Scene:
Posh, local gym, Dressing area
Time:
Immediately after ‘Boot Camp’
Cast:
Our heroine (That would be me), two elderly HARPIES, one mute, anemic-looking girl who sniffs CONSTANTLY and wipes her nose on her sleeve.
Action:
Having forgotten to put a spare bra and underwear in her gym bag, our heroine decides to go commando and bra-less rather than consider putting back sweaty, girly-gunked underthings on her freshly-showered body. Since she is in layers, no bra is actually needed and frankly, the other option is just GRODY.
Suddenly, a smug voice pipes up from behind her.
Harpy #1: “It certainly is a different generation from when I was raised. We never went traipsing around without all our undergarments. It implied you were racy. In fact, the one girl in my school that never wore a girdle was fast, but she was from California.”
Mute, anemic girl: Sniff…
Harpy #2: “Parents were more responsible then. WE were more responsible as parents. I can’t imagine raising a girl who would go around with her BOSOMS flapping in the wind for all the world to see.”
Mute, anemic girl: SNIFF… (Wipe)
Harpy #1 “Yes, we were certainly raised better than people today.”
(That was it. The final straw. Normally, our heroine has a spine made out of string cheese and with the exception of one teeny incident at a gas station (In which she was also bra-less. Coincidence?) she abhors public confrontation. She even has issues sending her food back at restaurants. However, she is also raging and angry and is also a bit “WTF? Is this for real? Seriously?”, and the SNIFFING is driving her over the EDGE. Something must be said.)
Heroine: “You know? My mother taught me to respect my elders, but I have to say that what I wear on my naked butt is NONE of your business. Y’ALL DON’T KNOW ME! (Oh, yes. Yes, I did actually say that.) And? My mother also raised me to not speak about other people rudely. Especially WHEN THEY ARE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. I am sure my mother would prefer me to have my “Bosoms flapping in the wind” ANY DAY over being so publicly awful!”
Mute, anemic girl: SNIFF! SNIFF!! SNIFF!!!
Heroine: OH, GET A TISSUE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, WILL YOU?!
Ok, that last part was in my head, but the sniffing really didn’t help matters. The rest of it was dead on. Word for word. I still cannot believe something that archaic happened. It’s just foreign to me. The people I know that are their age are all kind and awesome. It was just weird and it felt like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone or having an encounter with Rachel Lynd from the “Anne of Green Gables” series or something.
I grabbed my things and left angrily. I didn’t even notice how they reacted. I just drove home feeling pissed off and wished for the eleventyhundredth time that I could grab a Diet Coke to calm me down and comfort me. (Five weeks, people. FIVE!)
Oh, well. At least I didn’t want to vomit my bowels out and die during boot camp today, right?!
P.S.
In case you ever wondered?
Dry shaving your legs is as EVERY BIT as bad an idea as they say.
Just so you know.
Heh, it feels good when you flaunt your set of ovaries, dudn’t it?
Cojones have nuthin on ovaries ;)
I am rolling. Positively rolling.
I am so impressed at your power to stay Diet Coke free, you’re my new idol.
“spine made of string cheese” *snort*
You are such a treasure!
ha ha ha .. you GO!!
love that story….at least you got something to flap…
Way to kick some old lady ass.
I can totally see this happening, can hear their voices even, and your reaction was perfect.
Also: FIVE! weeks. Woot!
I am really starting to doubt my previous notion of “sweet little old lady.” Things just keep happening…at this rate, with these elderly ladies’ example, I’m going to grow up to be a very lousy sweet little old lady indeed.
A big “amen” to the first part and the PS.
Good for you! And bonus points for referencing one of the best Muppet movies evah!
WTG, mate. Those old grannies got every bit they deserved!
And yes, dry shaving is a horrible idea.
“sweaty, girly-gunked underthings”
You SLAY me!!
This post made my day, yo. You rock the casbah.
I am actually really proud of you. They hate no right to say those things to you. Bah!
And dry shaving = super suck
You freaking rule. Damn harpy old broads should mind their own business!
Go you! I’m so glad you said something. The sniffing would drive me bonkers too. Way to call them out on their rude shit.
P.S. Know all too well about the dry shaving- ouch.
Oh My Goodness!! You Go Girl! I would have slinked out of there too chicken to say anything!
Good for you! Those are the kinds of moments when I always WISH I’d said something. I hate rude people more than anything.
And my boss has a nervous tick that involves repetitive sniffing. It. Is. AWFUL.
Hilarious! Good for you. I’m not a fan of confrontation either but sometimes people need to be told what’s what.
Oh my freak! You are one of my absolute favorite people on the planet, and you are my hero for telling that Rachel Lynde wannabee off. I can just hear her, “well in MY day…” Blah blah blah. In HER day, knighthood was in flower. P.S. LOVE the title. I’ll take that as a tribute to me in my own head. Koodos for resisting the diet coke.
I have to wear a bra but I don’t wear panties.. after coming to the conclusion that I hate thongs and I don’t do pantylines – well, tell those bitches to blow me. In my day we don’t worry about what other people have under their clothes.
I am really cranky since this tooth thing and I will not have old women tormenting you. The next time this happens.. you have my cell, I dare you to dial my number and hand them the phone.
I just don’t see you as the “BOSOMS flapping in the wind” kind of girl.
Sounds like they were speaking from experience, and I would imagine at their age “flapping in the wind” is just about the only action they are likely to experience.
Those old bags were probably just jealous because if they went commando a) no one could tell and b) no one would care. And if one COULD tell, one would probably be revolted.
I say “Well done, you.” “Good Show.” (at least, I hope so.) I hereby vote for more commando women.
I don’t know why people do that. They have to know that others can hear them. I was at a Hockey Game a few weeks ago and my sisters were sitting in front of me. The guy behind me was making fun of them (my sisters) to his date. HE WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME. It was obvious that I was with my sisters because I’d lean forward to talk to them all the time. Finally we couldn’t take it and all three of us stood up and asked him if he had a problem with us. He was like No… no… I just thought you guys were really into the game. WTF. I hate people!
*golf clap* very well done!! hoisting a symbolic diet coke in your honor! :)
You guys are making me freaking LAUGH and feel a whole lot better.
It wasn’t that they were elderly, it’s that they were BITCHY. (Basically, there are quite a few woman my age that I can see developing JUST like that.)
I just couldn’t make them ageless due to the droning on and on about how things used to be.
By bootcamp buddy Doris (You remember, the granny who regularly tromps my ass) would never say ANY of those things. She is truly a sweet, classy dame.
P.S.
No. My bosoms do NOT flap in the wind. I paid good money to make sure that didn’t happen.
Hee.
What is up with those women??? (Notice, I did not call them ladies.) Who wants to put on sweated up underthings. I think it must be harpy season; I’ve run into some “I can’t believe she said that” comments lately too. Good for you for saying something back! Oh yeah, love the Diet Coke can at the bottom of your page!
You rock Loralee, you just rock, express yourself, do it again the next time you are there, PLEASE and then write about it!
Way to go!
I laughed so hard at this that I nearly peed myself. Way to go!
Love it! I have a huge smile on my face right now. Thanks!
I TOTALLY got shivers!!! You. Are. Woman. Hear. You. Roar.
Stoopid harpies—I’m SO relieved that Doris wasn’t part of that crowd. She would’ve probably bitch-slapped them for you.
OMG… I love it!
My only request… could you please not change in front of that ladies son from last year? I mean… it is an adult CHANGING room and all but can’t you not change in a changing room?
What is it with you and changing rooms? I totally want to write a book! I wish I would have been there!
I have decided to start a petition for you to have your own “reality show”. I would pay some SERIOUSLY good money to have seen that, and from all the comments, I’m sure I’m not alone! (They weren’t ‘tennis hags’ were they?? That would explain A LOT!)
Miss you!
Bridgy:
I know. Two weird incidents in a locker room, although, I can see a woman getting bent over nakedness in front of a kid (Even though it WAS in a freaking WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM) far more than this stuff.
I looked around for candid cameras, I did. It was a highly uncomfortable situation.
I am starting to feel paranoid about that dressing room. The key? Never go in ALONE.
P.S.
In case you missed it, this was your cue to COME BACK TO THE GYM WITH ME!!!!! :)
And while I know you have a lovely tight little figure..I keep picturing the lady I saw the other day who DID have her bosoms flapping…down (really) past her waist.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeh
OK, what the hell is your problem? I mean seriously. You’re like Mythbusters for male fantasies.
Guys are brought up to think of the girls locker rooms as some sort of magical place where girls ride around naked on the backs of unicorn’s, and games are played to see who is the most flexible.
So I guess until you have scientific proof that these things do occur, I’m going to continue to believe that Porky’s is the way things actually happen, and you only post these lies to shock people into reading more.
Poor Trent, I keep ruining your naked fantasies. Here is the thing, when I go to the gym it is usually during the time when Mom’s and Grannies are working out.
SO?
I am SURE that from the hours of 6-11, when hot, young co-eds are out of school, it is EVERYTHING YOU DREAM IT TO BE.
Especially during the times when the swim teams are cavorting around in their birthday suits, sit in the hottub nekkid’ together and loofah each other’s backs in the shower.
Is that better?
:)
There seems to be two classes of older women, the ones that are too sweet, overly gentle types and those bitter, speak-too-much-of-your-mind types. Sorry you had to deal with one of those latter kinds while at the gym. I’m glad you put her in her place. That takes guts to stand up for yourself, something that I often don’t have.
I can’t believe they even said anything.
I tend to lack a filter between my brain and mouth and probably would have fired something back about it being easier to have sex with my 22 year old lover and her boyfriend when I wasn’t wearing any underwear.
But then it isn’t nice to induce heart attacks in old ladies.
I would have done the same thing! In fact I have. I yelled at some grumpy people on a plane recently.
Go you!
Ps came from Angella’s.
Bras are so overrated. Good for you!!!!!
You are a boot camp hero. Thank God you said something. Thank God you said what you did! I wish you had added that last part, but there is still time…
Good job!! Doesn’t feel good when you actually say something rather than say nothing and, later, think of all the things you wished you’d said…
I’m so glad you said something. And I love you even more now (is it even POSSIBLE?) for quoting the *best* line from The Great Muppet Caper. :)
I am totally creeped out that they were even PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION to what you were doing to realize you weren’t wearing underwear. Am I the only person who works very hard in the locker room to focus my eyes on something that is not anyone else’s private parts??
And I totally agree with you. I’d rather be the biggest tramp in the neighborhood every day of my life than be that rude to someone. At least sluts are FRIENDLY, you old bags.
They are just envious. You know what a Harpie has between her boobs that a 30 year old doesn’t? Her belly button!
Way to Go!!! More of us should stand up for ourselves….
love it!!!
Good for you! Bosoms flapping in the wind. Right.
That was awesome! Old ladies can stuff it. Just because they’ve been around forever doesn’t mean they can forgo all manners. Maybe they’ll think twice next time they start staring at people in the locker room.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! That’s just…insane. I would have gone off on them, too. It blows my mind that people can be that awful to someone else. Also, I think you should maybe stop wearing a bra altogether. The bra is clearly holding back some kind of superhero power you have. Just sayin!
Hussy. Heh.
I’ve totally done that. But then, I’m old. And fat. And don’t give a flying fuck what other’s think.
See what you have to look forward to?
:)
Sorry about the f-word. I was just using it like a suffix on the word “flying”.
You go girl! Awesome!
“WTF? Is this for real? Seriously” were all things I was thinking. For reals.
I wish I could have been there to see it. Their reactions, that is.
Dude. You are my hero! I wish I had the balls (?) to say something to stupid people who flap their lips without thinking. I would have been so angry, even if I suddenly grew a spine, my comebacks wouldn’t have been nearly so dead-on.
Oh, for heaven’s sake….. enough with the Diet Coke, already!!!!! You’re gonna be one of those old ladies, looking like you don’t have a bra on, even when you do, complaining about how “back in MY day we had to go for weeks… WEEKS, I tell you… without any diet coke. You *bleep* kids don’t even know what you have with yer caffeine patches and yer teleportation devices… why, in MY day…..”
I apologize for my tone in that last comment. I was momentarily taken to the mother ship and replaced with an ornery zombie. Actually, I am going to take your lead and stand up to some persnickety old bats in my ward when they tell me I’m not doing my calling the right way!
Yay, Loralee!!!
Erin, I laughed at your “Embittered Diet Coke Granny” comment! Do no worry friend. I am not some wench conducting a master class that will misconstrue what you’re saying! I think you’re funny. :)
I see how it goes. Write a post about nudity and get 50+ comments. I’m going to have to try that, but first I’m going to have to come up with a bloggable naked story.
I would have said, ‘no my momma didn’t teach me any better, because I didn’t have one, thanks for being completely insensitive and pointing it out though.’
So you quote Muppets too? I’m in love.
Michelle at Scribbit’s last blog post..TheaC Photography Giveaway
I missed this! Good for you!!! I have my moments where I blow up and usually the jerks deserve it…these two women totally deserved it!
Jennifer’s last blog post..Hoo-Hatorial
YAY, LORALEE!!!!!!! That’s awesome. I’m so proud of you. So many people just let these kinds of things go on and don’t say anything, and then these little bitties just feel free to keep saying rude things without retribution. Maybe, just maybe, they’ll think twice next time they’re going to be rude and voice their opinions. Then again, maybe not.
**P.S LOVE the Rachel Lynd reference.