My friend, Chelle and her family have a nightly dinnertime ritual called “Three things”. Everyone goes around the table and talks about three things that happened to them during the day. I loved the communication that it created, so about 2 years ago I adopted something similar with my own little family.
My oldest son is always hesitant to verbalize some of the things that he struggles with and so I needed to tailor it to get him to talk about something that was difficult during the day as well as things that went well. We started calling it “High’s and Low’s”‘ but it has mutated into “High Low’s”.
(Sidenote: Do any of you have a ritual like this at dinner? Or something different? I’d love to shake things up a little and try something new.)
Often when we talk about the boys highs and lows we contrast them and try to help them put it in perspective.
Today is one of those days when I need to do this for myself.
Last night, I went to my first coaching for my soloist role in “The Messiah”. Last year I trained like a MANIAC for this role. I rehearsed and rehearsed, I took up running and dieted like crazy so I could look HAWT and sound awesome.
I was thoroughly pleased with my performance.
Not so much.
I have been a little down about the whole thing. They split the soloists this year and the way that it was done created some bad feeling. I just haven’t felt as motivated this year as I did last year. It kind of took the wind out of my sails. Still, I need to just suck it up and deal because it is in a couple of weeks and as I have written, I can’t quite fit into my dress.
Here is a major confession: I have not even picked up the score to look at my arias.
Not. Even. Once.
Horrible, isn’t it? Granted, I don’t own a piano (no room) and it makes it harder, but that is also an excuse. I’ve been very lazy about it all. So, I was more than a little nervous going into my coaching session.
I opened my mouth and what do you think came out?
AWESOMENESS, THAT’S WHAT!
It was flawless.
It startled the hell out of me and pretty much left my coach with his jaw on the floor. I felt so happy. Tony the freaking Frosted Flakes Tiger gave me a Hi-Five and waves of “You’re GR-R-R-EAT!” washed over me. The thousands of hours and dollars invested into my voice showed.
Fast forward to today in bootcamp.
It was bad, people.
I don’t want to go into detail, I’ll just say that Doris not only beat me, she pretty much whipped me with her granny panties and wiped the floor with me.
It was really humiliating. At least on Monday, I wasn’t sooooooo far behind everyone, but today?
My muscles are so fatigued I could barely lift them. I am a freakishly weak person. I’m not remotely joking when I say that. I have a lot of injury, asthma, and it takes me forever to gain any kind of muscle mass. I’m also spectacularly uncoordinated, so I have always been lousy at anything physical.
It’s tough to not only pay big bucks to do something that you are poor at, but also have to do it in front of people.
It’s worse when you are working in a team and you bring everyone down because you can’t keep up by a long shot.
45-minutes into it I was feeling horrible. Both emotionally and physically.
I collapsed on the bench and sucked water into my mouth and felt a wave of “I suck” wash over me. I felt as bad as I had felt good the night before. It wasn’t just the working out that was discouraging. I KNOW that this is not my talent and I haven’t been working at it.
I just felt like crap in a lot of areas. I have been thinking a lot about my life lately. The good and the bad. I’ve been trying to LIKE ME more. I am very hard on myself. While I am very good at looking at things involving me honestly, I am not very kind to myself. I know I do not give myself enough credit and I am so unforgiving about my flaws.
OUT of the suck of the moment I can be proud of myself. Kinder, more appreciative and supportive. I would never rail on anyone the way I rail on myself and when I don’t have a bunch of emotion thundering around the issue I can see those things.
IN the moment is different and it’s harder to keep perspective.
At that moment on the bench, it was all too easy to be overwhelmed and start thinking about how easily I quit and get discouraged in my life. Whenever there is a choice or a problem, I almost always take the easy way out of it. Even areas that I have hung on WAY longer and harder than I should is no show of strength because I am scared of the difficulty and pain involved in letting go. In that moment, I just felt like a really weak person ALL around.
I knew I was going to cry.
Luckily, everyone else went upstairs to finish the last 15-minutes and my son called from his school and needed his asthma medication, so I grabbed my jacket and went into my car to drive and snot and blubber.
I know that a lot of this is just the moment. The burning pain my body is in doesn’t really help matters. I just need to lighten my mood and move on.
So, I am just going to lay here for a bit and watch things that make me laugh out loud on youtube.
Like this: (Hello, this is so funny. The black guy SLAYS ME at the end. “Save yourselves!” I can’t even think about him running in the maid outfit with the plunger without SNORTING.)
So, there we are. A high and a low.
At least I didn’t eat a donut, right?