The last few days of batting around the question “Do I tell the truth?” or “Do I lie?” had led to some interesting conversations with myself.
I often feel like my moral compass is less like a compass and more like an ill-functioning spinner from a game of Twister that I got used from a garage sale.
Thanks to everyone who gave me advice about what to say to my kids about the bird dying. To be honest, I could see everyone’s point of view (Well, except for my very kind, yet completely weird elder brother, who told me to order Kentucky Fried Chicken and tell them they were eating a bird. Count on my brother to get me to laugh in any situation. You should see our family functions. They’re hilarious. )
I ended up telling them the truth.
I’m not giving myself a pat on the back for this because honestly, it was all due to the way it went down.
My kids came rushing in from school and I heard him checking on the bird’s box. I still had NO clue what I was going to say to them. They came in and said, “MOM! The little bird is gone! Did he die?”
See those last three words that I put in italics for you for dramatic emphasis? That was the deciding factor.
If they had said, “Did he get better? Did you release him?” with their big, pleading eyes, I don’t think I could have told them the truth.
As it was, it was more like I was confirming something that they already knew rather than squashing their hope and belief. Maybe you had to be there, but I knew at that moment that I was saying the right thing.
Your comments really helped. You are all lovely. I was totally afraid some troll was going to email me or bash me for the audacity of considering telling a lie to my children.
(Note: That would not have been helpful.)
I have a hard time sorting things like this out sometimes.
Not only to I tend to see the big, efffing tree instead of the forest, I also very rarely see things in black and white, good and bad.
I see the world through gray-colored glasses.
There are very few situations where I think “This is the right way” or “This is the wrong way”.I tend to be more of a “There is this way” or “There is that way” kind of thinker.
Some people applaud it.
Some people think it is no way to live.
Then there are those who just ask, “How’s that workin’ out for ya?”
I know that it makes life harder, I do. If Kermit thinks it isn’t easy being green, he should try being gray some time. With clear rules and morals, there is less quandary, less hemming and hawing and confusion.
I know people who just know their own truths absolutely without question. This is their white, this is their black.
I envy the hell out of those people sometimes.
It just isn’t how I am, though.
Finding my own truths has been a big pain in the heiny and some days I don’t know if I’ve come very far.
In some regards I think that my grayness is a character flaw.
It tends to make me vacillate a lot and it takes me a long time to come to a firm decision about things, if at all because I usually see and relate to all points of view in some way.
Even when I do come to an opinion, there are few things that I am so adamant about that I would plant my cross on the hill, so to speak. If you have a good enough reason, you can probably get me to change my mind.
Sometimes I start at one end of the spectrum and then after much consideration, I work my way to the other end side. For example? I believe homosexuals should be granted marriage licenses, and I went from being pro-choice to pro-life.
These decisions took at least a solid decade before I felt comfortable drawing my line in the sand.
However, I also know that I would hate the time to come when I stopped trying to see things from someone else’s point of view. I would like to think that this makes me kind, compassionate, and empathetic. However, the realistic part of me also realizes that some of my motivation isn’t altruistic at all, but self-serving. Maybe all this grayness and running around trying to be all things to all people and all points of view is because of my own VERY BIG mistakes and how people react to them.
It sucks when people look at you and think, “WRONGDOER!”
Maybe like a lot of people, I’m just trying to find ways to feel better about myself, who knows?
There are probably lots of reasons why I am the way I am. Way too many to even think about. Some I don’t even want to dredge up from the muck.
I do know that I don’t have the energy or ability to even consider how or what or if I even should, do anything about it.
I think it would be groovy to have a clear sense of right and wrong and a shiny silver compass that points to true north, but for now I think I’m just going to have to make do with a warped piece of cardboard with magic marker scribbles and spinner that perpetually gets stuck on gray.
Sigh…
Danielle says:
I think that sometimes it’s so easy to over think things, and to wonder how you “should” be handling somethine, but when it comes down to their little faces looking at yours, you just know what you need to say for them at that moment. (Or else you don’t and you just hug them and maybe that was what they needed anyway.)
I agree that there is no black or white. It’s different for every person in every situation. You can gather input from others, second guess the way you actually handled it, but ultimately you know what your kids need from you when faced directly with making that decision.
I’m glad it worked out- as much as you wanted to protect them from the sadness.
February 21st, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Cate says:
If everything were black and white, what fun would life be? No neapolitan ice cream? No tangelos? No broccolini?
I am scared to face those issues with my own, but, my philosopy is, just deal with it when it comes (hence, no birthing classes!)
February 21st, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Allycat says:
Oh I so hear you (from another grey thinker!).
BTW - When I was little I found a dead bird, the principal at my school (who was a nun) talked to me about heaven and we buried it together. She kinda freaked out the next day when she saw me digging the ground to see :if the bird made it to heaven” hehehe
February 21st, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Rachel (Louisiana) says:
You know where to find the shiny silver compass if you ever need it. But one of the things I love about you is that you can see both sides of every situation. You always help me balance out my extreme polarity.
February 21st, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Erin Evans Taylor says:
My thinking: I don’t know what I’m going to do about (fill in the blank), but I know that whatever I do is going to be absolutely right! Then I don’t look back. I feel very little guilt this way, even if others think I’m wrong. I like to live in my fantasy world.
February 21st, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Pink says:
sometimes seeing the world through gray colored glasses is the only way to see the actual truth in things.
but along the lines of your brother - try seeing a 2 year old figure out he’s eating chicken while playing with a ceramic chicken. i swear the child made the connection, looked at me, said chicken? and then looked at the chicken strip in his hand. he then shrugged and went about his business. either he doesn’t care or he was really hungry.
February 21st, 2008 at 3:36 pm
The Brother says:
WRONGDOER!!!!!!!!
February 21st, 2008 at 3:55 pm
andi says:
Oh, I loved the last paragraph of this.
I’m right there with you in the gray area. I wish more people were as it really drives me crazy when people try to sell me their opinions as definitive fact. I really don’t think there clear lines between what is right and wrong. Many times it depends on the situation.
February 21st, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Just Me says:
I think seeing the world in grey is okay. I hate people that only see black or white/ right or wrong. They never try to put themselves in other peoples shoes. There is always a reason someone made a choice.
Also I hate people who always have to be right. Their political views are right, their religious views are right, even the suggestions they make to fix a car are right (even if they have no idea what an engine looks like).
February 21st, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Sharon says:
How did the boys take it?
February 21st, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Sra says:
You are a realist, because most things in life aren’t black and white, and I even applaud your willingness to see some things that seem to be obviously black or white as gray instead. Like lying to your kids. I mean, I think lying is bad, but there are times when it is kinder, you know? So it’s not always that bad. And some things aren’t other people’s business, and the best way to keep it that way is to lie sometimes.
So I commend you for listening to your kids and noticing that they already knew the bird was probably dead. No sense in lying about what they already suspect, right? So you played it well.
February 21st, 2008 at 6:04 pm
AMomTwoBoys says:
Sheesh, miss a few days and miss a lot.
Sorry about the bird. That’s sad.
I think everything needs to be taken on a case by case basis. I’m totally an “in the gray area” person too. And I don’t think it’s as bad as it sounds!
February 21st, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Marilyn says:
I’m a lot the same way, Loralee. I too am easy to “talk out of” or “talk into” things. I agree, it’s nice that we can put ourselves in other people’s shoes. But sometimes it would be nice to have the security of black or white, you know?
February 21st, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Cory says:
I always blamed my “grayness” on being a Libra…
I know how you feel. We can be gray together. I think you did the right thing in this situation. How were the kiddos when you told them the truth?
February 21st, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Bridge says:
Your brother has it wrong… I am the wrongdoer… you should just join me.
HAHAHAHA.
February 21st, 2008 at 8:32 pm
The Over-Thinker says:
Being true to my name– I, too, have never come to a decision by way of a perfect path. I (consciously? subconsciously? unconsciously?) choose to meander off the rode, step in dog crap, pick some flowers and take a nap under a tree. Sometime later, I somehow make a decision.
I’m an applauder and I think “Ya done good, Loralee.”
February 21st, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Loralee2 says:
Good for you. You followed your heart.
Your boys are lucky to have such a sweet Mama to love them.
Also, gray is good. Very, very good. I’m an applauder, too.
February 22nd, 2008 at 12:23 am
Melly says:
If I ever come to a cache valley illuminati, I promise I wont yell “Wrongdoer” as soon as I see you, if you dont yell it at me either.:)
Man, you really think things through don’t you…I’m not really sure if I’m a black and white or a grey person…I guess it depends on what it is.
Hey, “Good luck with that”.
February 22nd, 2008 at 1:31 am
Melly says:
Hey that comment sounded racist.
February 22nd, 2008 at 1:33 am
natalie says:
i used to be more of a black/white kind of person. now i typically fall in the shades of gray category. i think as we get older and have more experiences we either tend to be more loving, forgiving and accepting of others and their opinions or we get crotchety and hate the world. i’m going with the whole loving forgiving, accepting thing. there’s enough hate in the world already!
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:22 am
Alecia says:
Ditto. Well said.
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:55 am
holli says:
My parents lied to Ali about a dead rabbit and they are still paying the price - I’m glad you chose the truth… and absolutely NOT Kentucky Fried Evil!!!
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:05 am
angela says:
I’m glad it went alright and I know telling the truth worked out better for you.
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:17 am
MaryEllen says:
There are some things that I am very black and white on, but those are MY black and white based on my experiences in MY life. You have black and white in your life too, I have seen it. What I see as right or wrong may not be what others see as right or wrong, but I do not live their life and they don’t live mine. My perception of your “grayness” is that is speaks of your tolerance of others and their beliefs. You see Diet coke as the drink of the goddesses while I know that it really is Diet Pepsi. Black and White for me and you , but we meet in the Gray and tolerate the beliefs we each have and love each other anyway.
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:02 am
Doug says:
I know what you mean, LL. People see me as a very “grey” person, which makes Marco very mad sometimes. Maybe it’s my past as a journalist, but I don’t like to give my opinion on controversial things, even though I do have solid opinions. For example, I’m pro-life personally, ambivalent publicly. Some may see that as cowardice, but my biggest thing is that I don’t want to be drawn into an argument because I don’t like to fight. Period. But I’m also very stubborn. When trying to make a decision, Marco always says that he gives me all of his advice, but then I go and do whatever I want anyway. That comes from my grandmother.
Sometimes I do lose it though, like with the whole Karissa Boudreau thing I posted about on my blog. For those reading this, KB is a 12-year-old who was murdered in my hometown after being missing for two weeks. The police haven’t made arrests but certain groups on Facebook are practically burning her mother at the stake and making entirely inappropriate comments and posting other garbage. After reading it, I literally lost it and tore into the people posting there. It’s the first time I’ve done something like that in years, and it felt good to stand firm on something.
But it’s not something I’ll likely do again for a while.
And it’s good for your health.
In grade 10 we did heart bmp in health class in groups. My partner, somebody who jogged and was very fit, came in at 80 bpm. Me, overweight and inactive (at the time), came in at an incredible 50. She freaked out, asking how that was possible. I simple responded “Well, I don’t freak out over things.” Point well taken.
My bmp right now is 60. No more controversy for me tonight!
February 22nd, 2008 at 11:45 pm
CourtneyRyan369 says:
Grey person here! Loved the post…the world isn’t black and white and I think people who think in those terms (without seeing the grey) are just afraid of being wrong. I’m not often wrong (thank you tummy instinct), but I’m not afraid to be.
February 24th, 2008 at 11:39 pm