Before I launch into my post, I have to ask a question.
What the freak do people see in Matthew McConaughey?
He looks like he has completely suspect hygiene. By that I mean that he is perpetually covered in a grody oil slick that we are endlessly subjected to because the guy never wears a shirt.
And his hair? Dude, you probably just have to shave it off and I swear you will find Jimmy Hoffa hidden somewhere in the clippings.
I just want to scrub the man down with some Lysol and a loofa!
My friend Bridgy and I went and saw the movie, “Fool’s Gold” starring “Shirtless Boy” and Kate Hudson. It wasn’t the lamest film I’ve ever seen, but he seriously does nothing for me.
Not the case with Bridgy.
“He’s totally hot. I would DEFINITELY sleep with him. I may have to take massive amounts of antibiotics afterwards and have a smattering of STD tests, but I’d totally do it.”
“Dude. He was arrested playing the bongo drums while naked and high on weed. Or does that just make him go up in your estimation?”
Before we went to view “The Oily One” in the movie, Bridgy and I spent some time together at the local mall.
Our local mall is not an amazing shopping experience. I mean, I’m grateful that the clothing options for my town are no longer limited to Penney’s and the work aisle of the Cal-Ranch store, but it really is a tiny little mall.
I certainly didn’t have any intention of landing there, it just sort of happened. Due to SUCKY circumstances we missed the 7 o’clock movie and Bridgy said we should catch the late show.
We had some time to kill and since we were practically in the mall parking lot we decided to go in and meander about.
There were some very interesting high points to our outing.
One of those would be going into the new lingerie store.
First of all, it was very sparsely stocked. I mean, a guy could have probably stuffed the entire collection into a trench coat to go flash and sell with his collection of “Genuine Rolex watches” in Times Square to unsuspecting tourists.
The whole atmosphere of this place was just…uncomfortable?
I kept thinking of it as “The Slutty Ghetto Store” in my head. It didn’t help that I had the world’s most flaming female underwear salesman on the planet that kept offering tips for what he thought would “Turn on my man”.
I mean, he was very nice and offered us chocolate truffles, but it was still really odd and uncomfortable.
I ended up throwing the chocolate away. I kept thinking of it as “The Slutty Ghetto Truffle” and eating it just seemed icky.
Slutty truffle disposed, we went into a store that I knew immediately that I was neither young enough, nor cool enough to be in. You know, the type of store full of distressed chucks and cammo-hoodies lined with fur and a liberal smattering of rivets, skulls and crossbones on everything.
Thinking that maybe youth and coolness could somehow seep in through my hoo-hoo by osmosis, I contemplated buying a thong with a black skulls and pink hearts all over it for about 40-seconds before I came to my senses. No amount of graphic-laden butt floss will actually make me younger.
Those were a pretty grand 40-seconds, though.
My thong-driven dreams of youth shattered, we meandered into a used game and book store where the owner was totally hyped for the upcoming D&D tournament. My eyes glazed over until I saw THAT THEY HAD THE ENTIRE SWEET VALLEY HIGH SERIES in the used books section!!!
I used to own them all, and read obsessively about the perfect size-6 identical twins with polar personalities that had turquoise eyes and sunkissed hair, but I stopped at like, 42. These suckers go up to the 90′s now!!!! I thumbed through one and saw that Elizabeth gets arrested and Jessica steals Elizabeth’s faithful boyfriend, Todd! DUDE! WTF? Elizabeth was the angel twin and she and Todd were supposed to marry and live happily ever after!
Total bummer and definitely non-rad.
With a regretful sigh, I left Sweet Valley High behind and we closed our mall expedition at Bath and Body Works, home of the cleanest smells, the foamiest bath products, the most divine lotions and antibacterial hand soaps!
I didn’t buy anything because I didn’t see my favorite soap off hand and we were running out of time because they were closing. It was sad because I really considered buying a plethora of Bath and Body Works products to smear on the movie screen to see if it would help Matthew seem more appealing.
We left the mall and headed to the movie. On the way, Bridgy told me that Gary Coleman from “Different Strokes” married someone who was 22 and had never heard of him before she met him.
It made me very sad because I realized that most of the pop culture I grew up surrounded by are completely lost on the teens and younger 20-somethings.
I realized that while most of the world really wouldn’t consider me old, I AM to them.
Maybe I SHOULD have purchased that thong…