Before I launch into my post, I have to ask a question.
What the freak do people see in Matthew McConaughey?
He looks like he has completely suspect hygiene. By that I mean that he is perpetually covered in a grody oil slick that we are endlessly subjected to because the guy never wears a shirt.
And his hair? Dude, you probably just have to shave it off and I swear you will find Jimmy Hoffa hidden somewhere in the clippings.
I just want to scrub the man down with some Lysol and a loofa!
My friend Bridgy and I went and saw the movie, “Fool’s Gold” starring “Shirtless Boy” and Kate Hudson. It wasn’t the lamest film I’ve ever seen, but he seriously does nothing for me.
Not the case with Bridgy.
“He’s totally hot. I would DEFINITELY sleep with him. I may have to take massive amounts of antibiotics afterwards and have a smattering of STD tests, but I’d totally do it.”
“Dude. He was arrested playing the bongo drums while naked and high on weed. Or does that just make him go up in your estimation?”
“Pretty much.”
Uhhhh…
Before we went to view “The Oily One” in the movie, Bridgy and I spent some time together at the local mall.
Our local mall is not an amazing shopping experience. I mean, I’m grateful that the clothing options for my town are no longer limited to Penney’s and the work aisle of the Cal-Ranch store, but it really is a tiny little mall.
I certainly didn’t have any intention of landing there, it just sort of happened. Due to SUCKY circumstances we missed the 7 o’clock movie and Bridgy said we should catch the late show.
We had some time to kill and since we were practically in the mall parking lot we decided to go in and meander about.
There were some very interesting high points to our outing.
One of those would be going into the new lingerie store.
First of all, it was very sparsely stocked. I mean, a guy could have probably stuffed the entire collection into a trench coat to go flash and sell with his collection of “Genuine Rolex watches” in Times Square to unsuspecting tourists.
The whole atmosphere of this place was just…uncomfortable?
I kept thinking of it as “The Slutty Ghetto Store” in my head. It didn’t help that I had the world’s most flaming female underwear salesman on the planet that kept offering tips for what he thought would “Turn on my man”.
I mean, he was very nice and offered us chocolate truffles, but it was still really odd and uncomfortable.
I ended up throwing the chocolate away. I kept thinking of it as “The Slutty Ghetto Truffle” and eating it just seemed icky.
Slutty truffle disposed, we went into a store that I knew immediately that I was neither young enough, nor cool enough to be in. You know, the type of store full of distressed chucks and cammo-hoodies lined with fur and a liberal smattering of rivets, skulls and crossbones on everything.
Thinking that maybe youth and coolness could somehow seep in through my hoo-hoo by osmosis, I contemplated buying a thong with a black skulls and pink hearts all over it for about 40-seconds before I came to my senses. No amount of graphic-laden butt floss will actually make me younger.
Those were a pretty grand 40-seconds, though.
My thong-driven dreams of youth shattered, we meandered into a used game and book store where the owner was totally hyped for the upcoming D&D tournament. My eyes glazed over until I saw THAT THEY HAD THE ENTIRE SWEET VALLEY HIGH SERIES in the used books section!!!
RAD!
I used to own them all, and read obsessively about the perfect size-6 identical twins with polar personalities that had turquoise eyes and sunkissed hair, but I stopped at like, 42. These suckers go up to the 90’s now!!!! I thumbed through one and saw that Elizabeth gets arrested and Jessica steals Elizabeth’s faithful boyfriend, Todd! DUDE! WTF? Elizabeth was the angel twin and she and Todd were supposed to marry and live happily ever after!
Total bummer and definitely non-rad.
With a regretful sigh, I left Sweet Valley High behind and we closed our mall expedition at Bath and Body Works, home of the cleanest smells, the foamiest bath products, the most divine lotions and antibacterial hand soaps!
I didn’t buy anything because I didn’t see my favorite soap off hand and we were running out of time because they were closing. It was sad because I really considered buying a plethora of Bath and Body Works products to smear on the movie screen to see if it would help Matthew seem more appealing.
We left the mall and headed to the movie. On the way, Bridgy told me that Gary Coleman from “Different Strokes” married someone who was 22 and had never heard of him before she met him.
It made me very sad because I realized that most of the pop culture I grew up surrounded by are completely lost on the teens and younger 20-somethings.
I realized that while most of the world really wouldn’t consider me old, I AM to them.
Very depressing.
Maybe I SHOULD have purchased that thong…
tjk says:
well llc
wait until you become 65 and your nurses look like very young people.
i understand that for a singer that the ages between 30 -45 are the best singing times.
so dont be depressed plus you are a diva
February 15th, 2008 at 3:25 am
Vanessa says:
i think for me the turning point was when flight attendants started looking ridiculously young to me. so young that it makes me feel like, in the event of an emergency, i should the one protecting them and not vice versa.
i can’t believe you threw away a perfectly decent chocolate truffle! but, then again, with the oiliness of mr mcconaughey on your mind and the smarminess of mr. lingerie storeman in your face, um, yep i’d be gagging too.
February 15th, 2008 at 5:01 am
natalie says:
i have decided that i will just forget to get old. it seems to be working pretty well so far!
oh…and i had the sweet valley high books as well. i remember buying several after i was no longer interested in them, because i couldn’t stand not having the complete set. i finally decided that my attempts at completeness were futile. thanks goodness!
by the way…i got my first thong for valentine’s day yesterday. it is red and lacy. a younger friend bought it for me, and i am 38. i felt younger just trying it on. i may never actually have to wear the thing. just try it on every now and then when i start feeling old!
February 15th, 2008 at 6:39 am
karen says:
I am very curious to know how many hits you’ll get from Googlers of “Slutty truffle”…
February 15th, 2008 at 8:11 am
MaryEllen says:
old!!! Old!!! OLD!!!! Don’t even go there girl! Smack you with my cane!
February 15th, 2008 at 8:59 am
andi says:
I’m so going to adopt the phrase “suspect hygiene” and sprinkle it liberally into my conversations. I cannot stand Matthew Mc-however-you-spell-it.
February 15th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Angella says:
Oh! Sweet Valley High!
Another reason to lurve you.
February 15th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Camille says:
No. Buying a thong when you’re feeling old is never a good idea. Buying a thong *ever* is a bad idea.
February 15th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Danielle says:
I want to HUG you for reminding me about Sweet Valley High!!! I have no idea what happened to my books, but I loved those!! (I still would never have even remembered those twins’ names had you not mentioned them…)
Oh. Sweet Memory Lane. Thanks for the trip!
February 15th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Craig says:
Vanessa, what airline do you fly? I haven’t seen a young, attractive flight attendant since I don’t know when. I thought they got rid of them in the 1950’s.
February 15th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Erin Evans Taylor says:
I’m with you on the Oily Matthew thing! I use to drool over Brad Pitt, as well, but then he started looking like Prehistoric Man, and spouting off about how he won’t get married until it’s legal for everyone. Oooooo…… save us all! The world is ending if Brangelina don’t get married!!!! (don’t?…. doesn’t?…. whatever) Give me a clean cut Matt Damon and I’m a happy woman! (But he has to pretend he’s Jason Bourne…. in a thong with a skull and crossbones!!!)
February 15th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Bridge says:
HAHAHA! It was a blast. Thanks for going with me… Mathew… /drool… HAHAHA.
February 15th, 2008 at 10:36 am
angela says:
I can not stand Matthew. Buy a shirt! He irks me.
February 15th, 2008 at 10:53 am
macpipergirl says:
I now know that Sweet Valley High is the “gateway drug” to all other romance novels. (Just one can’t hurt…)
Reading ‘Outlander’ again, btw!
February 15th, 2008 at 11:21 am
Melanie at Beanpaste says:
See, once upon a time, Matthew was all Pretty Newman-esque Golden Boy Movie Star With A Little Southern Accent and I was smitten. SMITTEN. Remember “A Time To Kill”? He was FINE, people.
Plus, “Melanie McConaughey” had a certain ring to it.
Now….yikes. He always looks oily and half-naked and stoned, always talking about hemp and working out, and I imagine that he smells like feet, locker room, and bong water.
And the Paul Newman thing is gone, baby, gone, only to be replaced with an unfortunate resemblance to Woody Harrelson.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:35 am
Rachel (Louisiana) says:
I have to disagree with you about Matthew McConna…hey hey hey. Love him. Even with his suspect hygiene.
A thong? Really? Glad you didn’t by the butt floss.
Wow. I had completely forgotten about Sweet Valley high. Suddenly I found myself back in the 80’s. I have a strange sensation of wanting to make my bangs really big, and crimp my hair.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:45 am
pgoodness says:
I think he is like Brad Pitt - he has times when he hot as hell, and others where I look and him and go “ewww”… I loved Matt Mc. in failure to launch.
And old? I knew I was truly old when I was singing my mom’s old favorite songs in the bookstore the other day!
February 15th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Kyle Johnson says:
goofballs, thats all I have to say. That mall makes me depressed anytime I get near it. I have spent many a misrable hours in that mall as a kid with my mom and sister. Aghhh, I hate that mall and it hasnt gotten any better. Actaully I hate all malls, they make me really tired and grumpy as soon as I enter one.
February 15th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Fluent Brittish says:
Not a Matthew whatever fan. He has a bubble butt that no one seems to notice, and I can’t stand listening to him talk.
Just sayin.
February 15th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Southernbelle says:
I remember a couple of years ago seeing Matthew Mc on Oprah. Oprah revealed tha he never wears deoderant and he verified that it was true. He said he like the more “natural” smell! UGH! He is cute but that turned me off.
February 15th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
The Brother says:
The thong would have just made you feel worse. Mine does.
February 15th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
jasonthe says:
Who the hell doesn’t know who Gary Coleman is? Seriously.
This country is going to hell in a handbasket, I tell ya.
This news will help me ease into that “crotchety middle ager” phase I’ve been contemplating, where I sit on my porch and yell kids off my lawn while bitching about their Fall Out Boy this and Panic At The Disco that.
Good times.
February 15th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Melain says:
BUTT FLOSS. That’s hilarious!
I have a friend who knows Matthew the Oil Generator. She used to crush on him until she met him and realized that he stinks from across the room. His breath always reeks of cigars and he doesn’t believe in using deodorant. Literally. It’s some kind of hippie mentality. Sick right?!
February 15th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Sharon says:
I’m 65 years old, and I swear to you I can’t believe that number! I do NOT feel old (most days). Keeping busy and involved in life makes you young. And you are the busiest most involved person I know of!
February 15th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Painted Maypole says:
sweet valley high.
sigh.
i read all the books, too.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Michelle at Scribbit says:
I agree–personal hygiene issues aside even he seems like a total slurring dingaling. I’ve got to have a man more “with it” than that. My personal weakness? James Bond. The new one–and not Daniel Craig either, I mean James the Blond Bond. That movie does things for me.
February 16th, 2008 at 1:02 am
Jen M says:
I am SO WITH YOU on this.
The no shirt thing? The grown man posing as surfer dude? UGH and UGGGHHHH.
February 16th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Redneck Mommy says:
Sweet Valley High. I just scoured a local used book store so I could bring Jessica and Elizabeth into my daughter’s life. LOL.
As for the grease monkey, weed smoking bongo banger, I’ll take a pass. I’ve got my eyes firmly planted on Clive Owen with his whiskers and big ears and I won’t give up that dream…
Mind you, sadly, I’m probably too old for him. Dammit.
February 16th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Loralee2 says:
Give me Denny from “Grey’s Anatomy” ANY day of the week. He’s freaking INCREDIBLE. And, of course, I’m going to have to smack you for your talk of “being old.” That’s all there is to it. xxoo
February 16th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Sue says:
SWEET VALLEY HIGH???
THEY HAVE THAT MANY BOOKS???
DUDE…I think I just found a new hobby.
(Wow, that’s really sad…and yet so very exciting.)
February 17th, 2008 at 11:17 am
amy says:
Give me John Cusak anyday!!! My hubbie and I went out a couple weeks ago and we realized that we are old. I love being old….I wouldn’t want to be back in my early twenties anymore!!
Hey, you’re old, I’m old…we can hang!
February 17th, 2008 at 1:57 pm
HRH says:
love the lingerie story…yep, sign me up for the thong too.
February 17th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
holli says:
I’m stuck on two things… that you get to hang out with Bridge (I’m so jealous), and WTF on Sweet Valley High??? NOOOOOO!!!! I may have to find them and read - but if they end that way, I call bullshit!!!
If you’re old - I’m older.
February 17th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Pants says:
Did you know that Gary Coleman lives in Utah? I’m adding stalking him down to my new-to-Utah list!
Awwww, Sweet Valley High. I think my adult equivalent is trashy celebrity magazines.
February 17th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
jess says:
he’s totally hot in some movies, and a total greaseball in others.
for instance - a time to kill - HOT.
sahara - greaseball.
and omg…svh! i loved that series, but i liked it even more b/c MY high school was SVHS, too.. what a lame reason, huh?
February 17th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
hairyshoefairy says:
I’m, like, 7 years younger than you and I feel out of place in those “young and hip” stores. Skull and bones? Not really my style, as you might imagine. I didn’t know that sad excuse for a mall had a new lingerie store. They could really use a Victoria’s Secret.
February 18th, 2008 at 9:36 pm