I have been feeling a little down lately. I usually try to pull myself out of these moods and look on the sunny side of things without too much hemming and hawing. This can be difficult to do when you are not a “Glass is half empty person” but more of a “There IS NO GLASS! The glass is all a freaking LIE!” type of personality.
I may be be a laid back, humorous individual, but I’m also just a little bit bitter. (You think?)
I typed out a long post all about moments in my life that have required me to be brave. Not just “YAY! I called a stranger without hyperventilating!” brave, I mean moments that make you physically sick with fear you have to look huge, horrifying things in the eye.
I thought it would make me feel brave, inspired, accomplished, proud and better. You know, lift my mood and such.
IT DIDN’T.
What I realized was that yes, I have been brave. VERY brave. Yes, I have taken some huge, HUGE chances in my life and have faced some of my very worst fears and guess what? MOST OF IT SUCKED.
I want to be able to give you rainbows and puppy dogs here, but the reality is very few of these moments were for the better. Most of my risk taking was a miserable, horrible failure.
Yes, there are some situations that probably worked out better in the end, I will grant you that, but the cost? SO freaking high. ALL OF THEM left me a more twisted, bitter, angry and damaged person.
Some of them I will never recover from.
And for two of those moments? They were so horrible, so big and painful and hideous that I should have just carved a damn headstone with my name and date and planted them right there on the spot because the person I was before they happened died and never came back.
I had a long, long night full of memories and demons and it suckasuckaSUCKED.
Instead of feeling better I feel like total crap.
Yippee. GO me.
Bravery can just effing BITE ME.
***
Ok, FINE.
Even I can’t spew this piece of drivel onto the internet without some silver lining.
There is one moment of facing a big, huge fear that was GOOD. Nothing bad surrounded it. It wasn’t high on the list of bravest moments, but it still required me to not pass out with total, terrifying FEAR. I do feel good about it. Strong. Proud.
Here you go:
P.S. Yes, I am screaming “Oh, my god I am going to DIE!” when I’m jumping out of the plane. Dude. I am terrified of heights and flying and at 13,000 ft, DO YOU BLAME ME?
Good. ;)
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
I don’t think courage is about being wise and strong and brave against all costs.
I think courage is being scared absolutely sh*tless and struggling through, putting one foot in front of the other, surviving The Worst Things, even when you feel like you can’t.
And if that’s the case, you’ve got courage out the wazoo, lady.
I’ll second that.
I’m scared of heights, too. No way I’d do that. Not willingly anyway. Either way I’d mess my pants.
You’re brave because you press on.
Dude, you rock my world! How come I’ve never seen this video before? I’m calling you.
Not all brave people have tons of friends.
And people with tons of friends aren’t always brave.
I’d rather have someone to hold hands with and be scared together and than be brave all by myself. It seems to me like you have a lot of people that love you. That’s better than bravery.
([sarcastic]- real insightful, huh. That will be five cents.)
(I also agree with Melanie, about struggling through, even when you don’t want to, and surviving…)
I LOVE LOVE HEARTS and STARS your video! I laughed and giggled and got teary. Yay you!
Wow, I know exactly what you meant by this:
“They were so horrible, so big and painful and hideous that I should have just carved a damn headstone with my name and date and planted them right there on the spot because the person I was before they happened died and never came back.”
What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger is a phrase I like (in theory) but in reality I feel as if it should be “what doesn’t kill us entirely will certainly kill a part of us.”
You are strong, brave and amazing.
I know there are all those sayings about iron being forged in fire and blah, blah, blah… but sometimes those fortifying moments suck. I’m just glad that you can come out on the other side and hopefully feel good at some point.
The video totally rocks. I can’t believe you did that, that is so awesome!
I just heart you.
Especially after you JUMPED OUT OF A PLANE.
Melanie said what I wanted to say.
I’m all choked up and sniffly. I love your skydiving video.
Wow. Very thoughtful – and insightful.
Love the video. I’ll have to start doing Kegel’s now if I ever hope to jump out of a plane.
I couldn’t watch the video right now. I cried so very hard when you first posted it… have cried enough tears in the last few weeks, I feel all dried out.
I know all those sayings too. They don’t help all the time, do they?
Having someone who will put their arms around you and just let you cry for a while can sometimes be the best thing ever. My son will do that for me now and then. My husband just gets frustrated because he wants to ‘fix’ everything for me but can’t.
I feel for you when you are ‘down’. I am so very proud of you for all the wonderful, brave things you have done. Singing in front of people would be number one! Skydiving!!! Sharing your painful memories of ‘Bug’……
Just know that I am so proud of you, hon. Hang in there, please! Love you!
Ha ha! That video is brilliant! I had to restrain myself from busting up laughing at work when I saw your face jumping out of the plane.
On the matter of calling strangers without hyperventilating, perhaps you have what I like to call Telephonophobia. I have it myself.
That was beautiful.
Thanks for reminding me that we don’t have to jump out of airplanes alone.
It sure looks like we are alone.
All we see is what is in front, that seemingly endless space between where we are and where we need to go.
And so we fall, we let go, we give in to trust and muster the faith that even though we can’t see, we can’t hear, we can’t know the outcome, we let go.
Somehow, in the midst of the ground rushing up and our voice getting lost and fear griping our heart a quiet voice rises within.
“I’ve got our back.”
God’s got your back LL.
Keep jumping girl – He loves the ride! :)
Sometimes? Sometimes courage involves just getting out of bed. I totally get that, and you? You have it. Celebrate that.
I’m certain you’re referring to the moment when you bestowed the first “Peep of the Week” award to The Brother instead of moi. Don’t beat yourself up. I forgive you. ;oP
People have lots of cool comments. I just wanted to say sweet video.
AWESOME! I am SOME AWE of you! I’m not afraid of heights and I don’t know if I could JUMP OUT OF A PLANE. You rock!
No you didn’t !!!!!! I cannot believe you did that.
Brave? I’d say so.
You look like you were scared, but then having the best time.
If I ever did acid….lol. Best line ever.
I like to think I’m courageous. But not enough to jump out of a freaking plane. No way.
I have a pit in my stomach. but I’m also feeling oddly inspired by your haunting and “half empty-esque” words. You are such a beautiful writer. So authentic and SO fucking original.
No predictable cliche. So pure and refreshing. I suppose that is why I am inspired……
I got an anxiety attack watching your video. Eek! So, so crazy. :)
I have to agree with Alicia – I had to be brave just to watch the video. DA-AMN! I almost cried when you went out of the plane. I’m not nearly as eloquent as your other commenters – but yeah – what they all said. :)
I would like to think I’d have the courage to do what you did, but in reality I’d probably be hiding in the back of the plane in the fetal position.
And that can be either metaphorical or literal. It works both ways.
WAHOO!!!!!! That was the best day ever!!!!! When are we doing that again??? Thanks for having the love to do it with me and the compassion to understand my need to do. The fact that you did not puke afterwards, and kept down the Mexican food afterwards is a testament as to how strong you really are. There are more adventures out there just waiting for us to find them and enjoy……what’s next?
That is soooooooo cool you have that video. You go, girl.
You ARE brave. And where would you be – where would we all be – if we didn’t take any chances? Sometimes it amounts to greatness, sometimes it doesn’t amount of anything. My favorite quote in the whole world is:
“If you are falling on your face, you are actually moving forward.”
And don’t ever forget it, Brave One!
I couldn’t watch the video- I had to go toss my lucky charms just thinking about jumping out of a plane!
Now, Loralee, I may be short, but I can give good advice, you know! Whenever I am facing a bleak time, I always say, “well, what’s the alternative? Death?” I’m sorry, but I don’t want to face what there is to face on the other side if I give it all up here! Sometimes, you just have to look at the blessings right in front of your face,(your cute boys, and Jon… is really another boy) and say, “Sure, I’ve screwed up, but I have also done some really good things.” Forget about the bad, and do something good. The other day I was in a funk, and had let the dishes go undone for 2 days. I pulled myself up and did about 6 plates. No, it wasn’t all of them, but it got me started! The tiniest step forward is at least a step forward! Keep going!
I have days like this. You know, sometimes you just need to wallow and no platitude uttered by well-wishers can bring you out of your funk. And then inexplicably, the suckitude ends (I hope).
I was biting my fingernails while watching the video. I could never, ever do that! That was totally amazing.
Wow Loralee. I’m really proud of you! I, too, am terrified of heights. You looked scared but you were so brave. Good Job!
I think that doing the right thing when you are alone is brave; I think that making it through the daily grind and finding a nugget of beauty or joy – then doing it again the next day – is brave; I think that slowly overcoming fears and obstacles is brave.
I do not think we are defined by “big” moments, but by the endless flow of life; we are brave when we try again, when we move on, and sometimes when we give up. “Brave” is doing the hard thing, not the glorious thing. Critical moments act as benchmarks in our lives, but they kind-of tell us very little about the true heart of a person. Soul is shown every single day.
Be brave, little toaster…
I’ve read this post three times since last night, and I’ve tried to come up with something great to say. I guess today is not one of my eloquent days!
So…
1. I think you are brave. Why? Because you’ve dealt with several lifetimes worth of suck and you keep on truckin’, keep getting up and doing the best you can. That, my friend, is bravery. :0)
2. You don’t always have to “be brave”. I know from reading here that you have a lot of support. Those are the people to lean on when you’re feeling “not so brave”.
THANK YOU, everyone.
I always feel bad when I spew negative on people. It’s just the reality of my life.
Please know that you don’t ever have to say anything to cheer me up, but I’m always very thankful when you do peep up.
I appreciated every single word written, here.
I’m fine, there has just been so much in my life that it surfaces and makes life icky for a bit.
I am doing better. Thanks for all your love and support.
I know you least well of anyone here but wanted to say…
I had to do this incredibly hard thing one time. I won’t go into detail; other then to say that I was the first one in the state that I lived in to be able to do it – but it was the right thing to do; and if you were a professional; they would say that was the ‘ideal’ thing to do. the ‘ideal’ outcome. and you know what. It was so hard but I knew it was right and everything I picked up and read said it was the right thing to do. I expected someone to show the next day and give me an award for doing the right thing. That did not happen. People who I thought would support me quit doing so and I found myself quite alone with it. It took over 20 years for the award to show up for this thing; before I knew – before I really knew I was absolutely the bravest person and I did the right thing. Hopefully it will lift and you will get your sign before 20 years; whatever this thing is
Have you heard the story about the carrot, the egg, and the coffee? No, it’s not a joke, but it is too long to post here so I’m emailing it to you.
And sending you hugs.
i think you rock as a mum, as a partner, as a blogger, as a performer, as a sky-diver (!), as a friend… and if all of these things don’t require ENORMOUS daily doses of bravery, then tell me what does!
Wow. I think I may have nightmares tonight and all I did was watch the video…OMG!
I need to find my video…
DON’T YOU FEEL AWESOME?
(You are BTW)