My body hurts.
This isn’t a new experience for me. I have several back and neck herniations from a bad car crash and being thrown and trampled by a horse. One leg is also shorter than the other due to some curvature of my spine.
(Totally sexy imagry, no?)
It exacerbates matters that I have a bed that sucks. We are going to replace it this year, but I’ve been suffering with it for the last 6 years.
I never wake up feeling refreshed. I usually start feeling like knives are being stuck in various body parts before my eyelids flutter open. I imagine it is similar to what one would feel like if thrown out of a moving train. Then run over by a tractor. Then peed on by the guy driving the tractor.
Point is, I hurt most of the time that I am conscious.
Aleve is my friend and for the most part I just suck it up and deal. You get used to it after awhile.
Right now, my body hurts more than the same-old, same-old.
Why, you ask?
See this fuzzy, poorly lit photo?
Yah, sorry about that. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
This gem of a theater will be my home for the next three weeks. I will spend more time there than in my own bed. (Again-given the extreme hideousness of it, I’m not sure that this is a bad thing.)
I am in the final weeks of appearing in a little musical called “The King & I“.
I’m just in the chorus. Specifically, I’m one of “The Royal Wives”. (The King of Siam was into polygamy. And yes, I find the irony that I’m doing this in Utah amusing.)
Normally, being in a choral role isn’t that difficult. Usually the toughest thing about it is the hours you have to wait around the theater doing nothing and wishing you could go home already.
Musically and character-wise, this is a VERY easy show but this choral role IS ABOUT TO KILL ME.
Apparently, the King is married to nine submissive women that drop to their knees and put their foreheads on the floor whenever he enters the room and freeze in that position until he finishes talking and says we can get up.
Before the bitchfest gets out of control I will say that this is turning into a great little production. I had such huge reservations at first, but it is going to be great. The orchestra is excellent, they flew in a great conductor from Florida and the costuming is as good, if not better than many of the professional productions I’ve been in. Because this is the debut musical for this theater company, they are investing thousands and thousands of dollars into it. Even the scene I LOATHE in musical theater (Uncle Tom’s Cabin) is good because they brought in an excellent choreographer and ballet company to perform it.
I am very happy and non-embarrassed to be a part of it.
THAT SAID…
Do you know how freaking long you have to be on your knees as a Royal Siamese Wife?
A FREAKING LONG TIME would be the answer. (The King enters the room a lot. He is also very long-winded.)
You would think that with that many wives we could rotate and schedule to keep it down to a minimum. (Was that inappropriate? Probably.)
Up! Down! Up! Down! Put your forehead on the ground!
For hours, and hours, and HOURS A DAY.
All of the bending and contorting into such extreme angles is taking its toll on my body. The other wives are even feeling it and I have EIGHT YEARS on the next oldest wife.
During the long-ass scenes where the King delivers amusing, pithy and long-winded dialog, etc. etc. etc., I am kneeling on the very hard stage floor feeling the blood pool and swell in my already damaged leg.
What? You mean you didn’t know that my 33-year-old body is totally falling apart? There’s more wrong with me than just back suck?
Yup.
Eight years ago, three weeks after my son, Christopher was born, I developed a massive blood clot in my abdomen that went down the length of my entire leg. I have a clotting disorder (Leiden V Factor) that means I am much more susceptible to blood clots than normal people. Since I have already thrown a clot, my chances of reclotting are even higher. It damn near killed me and left me with a damaged circulatory system and perpetually swollen leg.
My.legs.suck.
They suck.
(Oh, and did I mention that they SUCK?)
Don’t believe me? Here. Some honest photography for you.
You can see the size difference and the bluish, purple tone to my damaged leg.
You can see the pressure that is put on my left leg by how much the veins in my left foot “Pop” compared to my right foot.
I already struggle with poorly shaped legs. I am a bit bow-legged, I have a really hard time gaining muscle mass and have big feet and cankles. The blood clot just makes it all so much more attractive. Yippee.
It is why I always wear long pants and skirts. I never show my legs unless it is absolutely necessary. It isn’t just a vanity issue. I have been approached more times than I care to remember by well-meaning medical people who tell me that I may have a blood clot and should go to the nearest ER.
In their defense, it is a life-threatening condition. Plus, my leg looks like I could be in serious trouble; Most clots resolve where the leg returns to normal size. My clot was GINORMOUS. When It first happened my leg the size of both my legs put together and was dark purple.
I was in the hospital for a month. They told me to “Make arrangements” and prepare. They didn’t even dare put a filter in there were that scared that it would cause a piece to break off and go to my heart or brain and kill me. I was on Oxycontin for 8 months (It was rather new at the time. My doctors had no idea the hell it would be to get off of it after that long. Post for another day but lets just say that I understand why people hold up liquor stores and drive to Tijuana!)
This condition is permanent and painful. It sucks.
As much as I have enjoyed aspects of this musical and know that I auditioned willingly, I can’t wait for it to be over. It will be quite the effort to sit up there hurting and swelling and stay perfectly still and serene-looking.
There is zero point to this post. I have no “How I conquered my pain” or management tips or motivational tales about how I reached deep inside of myself and started wearing skirts to show that I love my body just as it is.
Nah.
I just wanted to bitch and whine about unattractive legs, crappy medical conditions and back pain. (And my piece of crap bed. We can’t forget about that.)
Thanks for listening. You all deserve a cookie for making it to the end of such long-winded, self-serving drivel.
Sigh…
tjk says:
i would say (break a leg) in the show bizz way, but with all your evey day pain that might not be a good idea
January 6th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Angela says:
I think I remember you mentioning something about your leg before.
Sorry that the show is causing you even more pain. I’m still very thrilled that you decided to so the show.
Hope the time goes by fast!
There is no way you can have a knee pad with you is there?
January 6th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Angella says:
Ha! tjk’s comment was funny
Sorry about your bum leg. I have a bum knee (no clots! just surgery!) and the thought of doing what you are doing brings tears to my eyes.
xoxoxo
January 6th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Jamie says:
There’s a joke in here somewhere (albeit in poor taste) about being submissive and all that jazz.
Dude I am 38 and if I had to get up and down in that position multiples times I would probably dislocate my knee or something.
And did you say tequila?
Hang in there. The production sounds awesome, but the physical pain does not!
January 6th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Kelly~Mommy and the Marine says:
Ouch! That really sucks about the clot, how scary!
I can almost relate to the back issues. Seriously, I’m 24 years old and I SWEAR to you, I have the back of an 80 year old.
I have blogged about it multiple times. It goes out and I have to go get adjusted… my pelvis is off, I wear a freaking HEEL LIFT in my shoe. I know, I’m cool.
January 6th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Jill - GlossyVeneer says:
Can I have a cookie now?
I have to admit, the second you mentioned all the kneeling my knee started aching even more! I hope it all goes well, I would love to see you in the production. The King and I is a fun production.
The clot thing is scary though! You have some traumatizing medical stories, my friend! Good luck with everything!
January 6th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
loralee says:
TKJ: OMG. I just got your email. I will reply personally, but I just wanted to say to feel better and that I am thinking about you! P.S. That cracks me up.
Angela:
I have thought about knee pads, but I think they would be too bulky under the costumes that we have. I just have to make it to the 19th!!!
Angella:
Tom is a hoot. I love him. I didn’t know you had knee surgery. Ug. My knees are holding up ok so far, so I am grateful.
Jamie:
If you knew JUST how many INAPPROPRIATE things I deleted. It’s just too easy sometimes.
Kelly:
Duh. I totally forgot to mention it (Till I read this and edited) I have scoliosis and SHOULD be wearing a heel lift. I lost mine and keep forgetting to have it replaced. People with non-sucky backs don’t realize how lucky they are.
Jill:
If I actually gave you a cookie I would be totally guilt-ridden at ruining all your hard work and diet discipline!!
It’s sad how many I have. It really sucks when something is damaged beyond repair. Especially at my age. :S
January 6th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Redneck Mommy says:
I’m 32 and if I had to get down on my knees on a regular basis I would be a very unhappy (and sore) woman.
Mind you, if I got down on my knees on a more frequent basis, my husband would be a very happy (and satisfied) man.
Snicker.
Wait, this isn’t one of those family friendly blogs, is it? Cuz if it is, I just meant getting on my knees to wash the floor.
Ya, that’s it.
Heh.
Hope you survive your production. And I hope you can get a new mattress soon. I’m saving my pennies for one of those myself…
January 6th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
loralee says:
Redneck Mommy:
HA HA HA HA HA!
I have a feeling we are going to get along JUST FINE at BlogHer! Hee.
(And it’s like I said, with that many wives there should be a schedule so that we are not so put upon. Grin.)
I want a sleep number bed like you can’t believe. I need a softer surface to sleep on, but my husband thinks a concrete slab has “Too much give”.
I have a feeling the beds at the Westin are going to make it absolutely intolerable. I have heard they earn the title “Heavenly Beds”.
January 6th, 2008 at 6:10 pm
Melly says:
Redneck Mommy-Hint: Knee pads from Lowes for 4 or 5 bucks…plus when your done you can use them for gardening or something.
Sorry about your sexy gams…that stinks.
January 6th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
sarah bean says:
oh, well I was eating cookies the whole time.
sorry about your leg
and back 
and bed 
…
you need one of those matresses that is a different amount of softness on each half, for couples who want a slab of reinforced concrete on one side and whispers of feather kissed clouds filled with sunbeams on the other.
January 6th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
rimarama says:
Oh, wow. That su-uh-ucks. You have my wholehearted sympathy!!!
January 6th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Sharon says:
Oh my… honey, I feel for you! At this particular moment in my life I wouldn’t be able to kneel if Jesus Himself appeared before me!
To make you feel better about your legs, I should post a picture of MINE! Picture this…two very wide pale sausages …blue-veined…and yes, dimples on the knees (within the fat)and the topper? A 12 inch scar running down the right one with bruising all around it. Nice, huh?
January 6th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Willie says:
Where to begin. Hmmm. The obvious jokes about being on your knees for so long? nahhh. My jealousy that you are in a musical. Nahhh. Your legs - not going there (though sending you good vibes on good health). What I will tell you is that my life has been transformed in the bed department (I have 2 bad discs in lower back). I heard from my osteopath and then read an article by Brad Pitt (of all people) who both recommended getting one of the thin (about 5 inches or so) pads made of that memory foam stuff and putting it over my relatively firm mattress. You can get them at Sam’s or many other retail places for about $125 or so. Freaking unreal. Hope that helps!! And Happy new year too! I have a new year’s greeting for you on my blog if you scroll down a little bit.
January 6th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
loralee says:
Melly:
HA! I’m sure RNM appreciates the advice.
Sarah-Bean:
WELCOME! A gal who is already eating cookies is always welcome around these parts! Tee hee on the comment.
I’m also glad I could comment on your blog because you have the gravatar plugin on it and I had been wracking my brain to remember a page that I could put in my sidebar example. So, THANKS!!!!!
rimarama:
It blows pretty huge chunks, I tell ya.
Sharon:
I know your knee replacement has just been horrible! I am sure that yours looked way better than mine when you were in your early 30’s though. (It wouldn’t be hard!)
Willie:
I know! The joke possibilities on this entry are astronomical.
Thank you for the New Year’s Greetings!
You know what is sad? We HAVE memory foam on my bed. :S
January 6th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
hairyshoefairy says:
Wow! The pain we go through to perform.
Seriously, though, that’s gotta suck big time. I hope the show goes well and you make it through without an major issues.
January 6th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Devilish Southern Belle says:
Hello! Just stopping by via Fussy
How awesome to be in a production of a musical!
I do wish there was something to be done for your pain, though.
January 6th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Melanie at BeanPaste says:
Dude, you’re lucky you weren’t raised Catholic. Mass is a veritable up, down, up, down, kneel, up, kneel, up, kneel fest. Sorry about your poor leg.
On a separate note: I would like to meet in person and have a “whose shins are whiter?” competition. I think I could take it.
January 6th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
loralee says:
Hairy:
It will be interesting to see the condition I’m in on closing night. :S
WISH you were doing it with me. You would have totally gotten. (You would have also fit in…Tiny, young, and GORGEOUS. One more wife I would have to tower over. Hee.)
Devilsh:
Welcome!!!! So glad you stopped by. That fussy is a kick in the pants, isn’t she?
I keep hoping that my body acclimates to it. I’m going to start going to my gym to sit in the sauna and hottub to see if it helps me. EEK.
Melanie:
When I tell people what it’s like, I often ask if they’ve ever been to a Catholic Mass (I have several times. Lots of singing to be done in Cathedrals!). I say to picture taking away the padded kneeling rails and add touching your forehead to the pew in front of you and that would be comparable.
Have to say that I would have MUCH better muscle tone if I were a devout Catholic. Hee.
P.S.
I AM A GHOST. I always have to use the LIGHTEST foundation available. Sigh.
January 6th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
hairyshoefairy says:
LOL. I’m so with you on the lightest foundation possible situation. It would have been a blast to do the show with you. I’m hoping to get up there to audition for Little Women when they do it again, but we’ll see how things are.
January 6th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Bridge says:
Um… I am totally sorry about all that crappy kneeling. I forgot about that part of the movie/play. I can vouch to everyone that you hate your cankles. I personally like my ankles, but you know how bad I hate my thighs. /sigh
On an entirely different note… I’ll wave at the nice warm ocean for you. /wink I’ll even do it without wearing a coat since I would look completely out of place wearing one here. I can only torment you since Florida is NOT the UK, but totally worth visiting in the frigid winter.
Love your guts! (as you would say it)
January 6th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
adria says:
1. I’ve got this thing on my leg and I’ve been wondering if it’s a blood clot, so this was a timely post. (And my leg looks nothing like yours, so thanks for the photos.)
2. I cannot say enough good things about the Intelli-bed. If you visit their showroom they have the sleep number bed and several others so you can compare.
3. Showing my naïveté here I’m sure, but where did the phrase, “You deserve a cookie” originate? I’ve heard it a lot lately.
January 7th, 2008 at 12:26 am
loralee says:
Hairy:
There is ZERO role for me in Little Women, but I would come clap for you!
Bridgy:
Wench. Wench. Oh, and did I mention that YOU ARE A WENCH for being somewhere warm? (Still, you make me look pretty in photos so I forgive you.)
Adria:
If you have pain and swelling in your leg (Especially if it is warm or hot to the touch) RUN do not walk to the emergency room. Clots manifest in different ways and my leg wouldn’t have looked like this if I hadn’t waited THREE DAYS to talk to my doctor. If you are having any doubts at all go see your physician. Clots kill millions every year and they move VERY fast.
2. That is a really good idea. I have to see where they are in relation to Logan. Probably Ogden is the closest place.
3. I have zero idea. I just like the way it sounds. Much better than “You all deserve some lasagna”. Not that I have anything against lasagna, I don’t, but…ya know…Cookies are COOKIES. (ESPECIALLY THIN MINT GIRL SCOUT COOKIES. Two more months and then I can indulge in my addiction. Mmm…)
January 7th, 2008 at 12:42 am
Rachel says:
You’re the one who deserves a cookie. You cracked me up with “etc., etc. etc.!” Ha Ha! Sorry you have to deal with all this crap.
January 7th, 2008 at 10:35 am
holli says:
Lord, that would KILL me. I have arthritis so bad, I’m always told my x-rays look like an 80-year-old woman. You need to be careful - you could really hurt yourself. Damn those kings!
January 7th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Melain says:
BOOOOO TO FICTIONAL, EGOTISTICAL DICTATORS! Isn’t growing old a pleasure. I, too, wake up and have to do some basic yoga stretches in my aging mattress before I can even attempt to stand upright. *sigh*
January 7th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
crunchy carpets says:
See, my legs look like that …but I only have being Scottish as an excuse….my knees are like soup bones.
I LOVE that you sing.
I LOVE singing. I was in a choir for a bit, but the weird director started bringing in really really amateur singers ‘for fun’ and any progress we amateurs had made over the years was gone and therefore the fun and pride of our little accomplishment.
I miss singing though.
January 7th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
The Brother says:
Someone wise once said “Why in the world are you doing that crappy musical? Pull out now!”
Ahem…
Also, though not strictly catholic, you HAVE sung Mother Superior more times than anyone on the planet. So I think you get credit…(I love the movie shot where her adam’s apple is backlit during the Big Crescendo. classic. You never got that kind of quality lighting).
January 7th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
candace says:
your legs are beautiful.
And that theatre gave me the chills! I’m envious! Enjoy every second!!
January 7th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Secret Agent Mama says:
I think your legs are beautiful, too. My prayers are with you to get through the musical without any complications and minimal pain. I commend you for doing what you do. What dedication and devotion.
January 7th, 2008 at 10:18 pm
Alecia says:
I’m sorry you have to go through this, especially experiencing so much pain doing something you love.
If it’s any consolation, I don’t think your legs look bad at all. Trust me, I’m a founding member of Cankles Anonymous, so I know.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:42 pm