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Dear Fuzzy Freak of Nature Wilbur,
It’s been six years since I found you mewing and looking like a shivering cotton ball in our unfinished basement.
You were so tiny.
Jonathan didn’t want to keep you, but he knew I felt so horrible that we couldn’t get to your other siblings in time to save them that he relented.
He rolled his eyes when I named you “Wilbur” even though you are a girl. What can I say? It totally fits.
He gets upset with the vast amounts of cat hair he finds in our open computer cases. (I have no idea how this happens. Ehem.)
Not that Jon is all alone in his frustrations with you.
I mean, do you really HAVE to be in the 5% of the cat population that still goes into heat regularly despite being fixed?
I really could live without being woken up at 3 am by your copious amounts of grody animal love that you feel inclined to practice right outside my bedroom window.
My lovely collection of shoes that Jonathan throws at you in those moments don’t really care for your sexual exploits either. I tried to tell them that I told Jon to “Fight the damn cliche” to no avail. I also asked why he had to throw MY shoes at you, but he just said that you were MY cat.
Sigh.
Let’s face it, you are a total whore.
The carpet was so sick of getting raped that we had to have it cleaned and sent to a crisis center.
Despite being a very slutty kitty, I am still rather fond of you.
I even got you customized bling:
Every ho-cat should have a “Scarlett Letter Collar”, don’t you think??
Even with all the whoring, raping, peeing, scratching, cat hair and having my footwear laying in random places in my yard, I’m still glad you wandered into my basement, Wilbur.
I think you’re pretty awesome.
Love,
The lady that remembers to let you outside to pee sometimes.
P.S.
Now that I have written a lovely letter to you, will you please eat the freaking food in your dish WITHOUT HAVING TO HAVE ME KICK IT FIRST????
Melly says:
I like that you called your cat a whore.
I’m not too fond of cats although I’m kind of a sucker for kittens. Who isn’t?
January 3rd, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Little Miss says:
Holy sh**!! the Scarlet Letter!! LMAO!!!
January 3rd, 2008 at 5:19 pm
crunchy carpets says:
I have to admit..that I loved my slutty cat as a kid…every time she was in heat she was all gooey and useless, so I dressed her in my dolls clothes.
She did nothing to stop me till she felt better…then avenged her dignity by sneaking up on m from the tops of doors and jumping on my head.
i miss that cat.
and I am so glad that human females go all cranky and bitchy instead of slutty and useless.
January 3rd, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Camille says:
Oh my. This is exactly why I don’t own a cat. I wouldn’t know what all those strange sounds coming from it meant, and then I’d find out, and become totally nauseous.
January 3rd, 2008 at 5:30 pm
hairyshoefairy says:
That scarlet letter collar has got to be the funniest thing ever.
January 3rd, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Sharon says:
Love the scarlet letter!
January 3rd, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Amber says:
Kitties are the best. Even when they’re freaks. Maybe especially then. Also, I know I’ve said it before, and I’ll probably eventually say it again, but Wilbur is a very pretty cat.
January 3rd, 2008 at 6:49 pm
Angella says:
I think my ho-cat and your ho-cat would be BFF’s.
January 3rd, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Shannon says:
That is the funniest post I’ve read in a while.
I needed the laugh tonight.
January 3rd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Secret Agent Mama says:
I’m deathly allergic to kitties, but this doesn’t mean that I can’t laugh at this letter to your kitty. Too funny. I could actually write a similar letter to my 2nd dog, Summer; she’s a slut, too, and is constantly humping her sister. For the longest time we called them “Ellen and Anne”.
I’m enjoying your blog.
January 3rd, 2008 at 9:25 pm
rimarama says:
Uh, sounds like a keeper.
January 3rd, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Alicia says:
You made me giggle. Thanks.
January 3rd, 2008 at 10:06 pm
BetteJo says:
Wilbur is a kitty after my own heart. I have a girl kitty named Jake - she’s tough and keeps the others in line. And there is the only male cat who has a .. um .. rub toy which he makes LOUD passionate love to all the time and especially in front of guests.
Sigh, gotta love ‘em, right?
January 3rd, 2008 at 11:16 pm
Christine says:
Ah, is it not insane how much we love these kitties of ours who pee on our stuff to let us know they are displeased with our behavior? They even have our dog cleaning up after them (although, in all honesty, he seems to think their cat yack is delish).
January 3rd, 2008 at 11:51 pm
glittersmama says:
You’re hilarious. I’m glad my dogs aren’t all whorey like your cat.
January 4th, 2008 at 12:16 am
Angela says:
I am always amused when you talk about Wilbur. Happy Cativersary!
January 4th, 2008 at 8:03 am
Kyle Johnson says:
That totally rocked Loralee. Gotta love Cats, they are the best. Camille and I cant wait to get a kitten and cat of our own, as soon as we move out of this apartment and into a townhouse we will be able to get a small pet, which will be feline.
P.S. do you guys have a webcam, that was so much fun on new years eve
January 4th, 2008 at 8:04 am
Debbie says:
This is so funny… I thought my cat was the only one who refused to eat her food until I had tapped the bowl! Sometimes I have to sit there and watch her eat or she’ll just run away!
January 4th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Rachel says:
Love you, love Wilbur. Thanks for the laugh.
January 4th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Jill (CDJ) says:
Thanks for stopping by and commenting… your cat sounds… um… interesting. I really want a cat to complement the 2-kids and dog cliche we’ve got going on here in the Land of the Charming & Delightful. But Hubbz says no. I think that if I found one in our unfinished basement, he would’nt be able to resist, though… now all I need is a basement!
January 4th, 2008 at 10:55 am
Pink says:
and here i was thinking i was the only person to come up with the term slutty kitty. my former cat, “Baby”, used to roll around in the dirt in the middle of the road when she was in heat. i’d have to go pick her up and admonish her for being slutty - and suicidal, apparently. you know, she actually answered to slutty kitty. she definately needed an A. she now lives with a really old lady who absolutely adores her and her multitudes of children.
January 4th, 2008 at 11:40 am
metalia says:
This is my first time here (I found you from Angella), but I think it’s safe to say that you had me at “ho-cat”. Also, this was not the best post to read while drinking anything; my computer screen is covered with fruit punch now, and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING SO FUNNY.
January 4th, 2008 at 11:42 am
loralee says:
Melly:
Wilbur had kitties (She got out ONE TIME in heat. ONE. FOR TWENTY MINUTES. It really didn’t help her “Ho” reputation.)
I love the little mewing balls of fluff.
Little Miss, Hairyshoefairy, Sharon:
I KNOW. I love the Scarlett Letter thing with Wilbur. I can’t help it. I probably should have named her “Hester” but who knew show would be ho?
crunchy carpets:
I wish my cat was gooey and drapy. Wilbur has about 30 second intervals of “Cuddle Tolerance”. Wah. P.S. LOVE the “Jump on my head” imagery. Hee.
Camille:
If my husband had his way my hubs wouldn’t own a cat, either.
Amber:
I love that you think Wilbur is pretty! I wish that she was as lovey as Tasha and Jonathan’s felines. Maybe if I participated in cat tossing, too??
Angella:
Maybe if we just locked them in a room together and see if it works it out of their systems. Sigh.
Shannon:
Awe. I have been in that same spot. A LOT.
Too bad you are in Texas. It would be fun to have you over for lunch to save my sanity.
Secret Agent Mama says:
ELLEN AND ANNE!? That is so freaking funny. I guess you can’t very well keep changing the name for her revolving partners, can you? (Though the switch to male names would be pretty funny).
And thanks for the compliment(And back at you)
rimarama:
At least it gives me fun blogging material.
Alicia:
You’re welcome!
BetteJo:
JAKE! I LOVE IT! I had to name her Wilbur. It fit so freaking well. It creates confusion, but that’s ok.
Christine:
I know. I can’t help it, she’s such a cute ball of fluff. I wish she was more lovey dovey. I blame the gang banging. It’s made her hardened and bitter. Sigh…
glittersmama:
It.is.not.fun.most.of.the.time.
Seriously. The whoring has to stop at some point, right? Don’t they have a menopause thing where it just stops? Please???? Ug.
Angela:
Wilbur is definitely an interesting character.
Kyle Johnson:
Toby would love a cat. I hope that you guys make that happen soon! I think we may have a cam somewhere. I’ll ask Jon about it. It was REALLY good to see you both on New Year’s!
Debbie:
I have to kick her freaking dish even or she just STANDS THERE LOOKING AT IT. I had her vision tested or I would think she WAS BLIND.
THEN?
She stands there glaring at me like “Don’t STARE at me when I’m EATING!” and WILL NOT EAT until I am out of her line of sight.
And people think woman are high maintenance.
Rachel:
Spanks!
Jill (CDJ):
My husband doesn’t have enough love for animal-kind. I’ve pretty much surmised that this our last kitty. Sigh. So glad you came by!
Pink:
HEH! It sounds like they would be soul mates!
metalia:
Lovely to meet you! Any friend of Angella is a friend of mine. You have stumbled on the formula for some of my favorite commenting….Spraying liquid on computer screens is always HIGHLY praised in the corner of the bloggity world.
January 4th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
jess says:
i love cats…and the “weirder” they are, the better.
January 4th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Loralee2 says:
Just to even things out . . . we had a fluffy, orange ( I LOVE orange kitties), beautiful, kitty. He was SO pretty that we called him Linda Darnell which, in turn, mutated into “Eena.” We even referred to him as “her” and “she.” So you’re the Loralee with the “girl kitty with a boy name” and I’m the Loralee that had a “boy kitty with a girl name” (S/he died a couple of years ago. Sigh.)
January 4th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Doug says:
Animals appear to love me… and I them. Except for cats. But that means they like me even more. A roommates cat used to lay on my bed, right in front of me, and stare lovingly into my eyes almost every day. It was very creepy.
January 5th, 2008 at 12:18 am
Noahs Mom says:
omg i really did think my cat was the only one who liked to rape carpets despite being fixed…im glad to know that shes not the only freak of nature out there…
January 7th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Cory says:
Hey Loralee! I’m a friend of Holli’s that came over to check out your blog, and I’ve enjoyed sitting here reading it and pretending to be working. You have a great sense of humor. The letter to your cat had me cracking up, especially the part about her being part of the 5% of cats that still go into heat after being fixed. I’m one of the lucky ones, too! My cat, Moe, still does it and it drives me NUTS. That noise they make is just crazy. I have a friend that met her for the first time while she was in heat, so she was all over him. He thought it was the cutest thing-that she just REALLY liked him more than other humans. He has been back to my house since then and always says “why doesn’t Moe love me anymore?” I don’t have the heart to tell him she was just horny that first time…
January 9th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
loraleeslooneytunes.com says:
[…] VOICE AND BRIGHT LIGHTS AND PURTY DRESSES AND EVERYTHING. I loved Loralee’s writing from the very first post of hers that I read, which is a true testament to her hilarity, as the post was about her cat Wilbur, and I loathe […]
April 11th, 2008 at 7:39 am