Grand Openings of ‘07

To wrap up 2007, I thought that I would take my favorite post openings* from each month.

(Y’all should try it sometime because it was a trip and a half.)

JANUARY

“My friend, Karen has been constantly singing, “Everything comes down to poo” from the ‘Scrubs’ musical that aired tonight. Given my hatred of all things involving excrement, this compares to being tied down and given Chinese water torture while “Ice, Ice, Baby” blares on repeat until all semblance of sanity is lost.”

FEBRUARY

“You know that sleep is shot straight to hell when the question, “I wonder who Jack the Ripper really was?” enters into the equation. Dammit.”

MARCH

“The mourning process can be spectacularly cruel. Not just because you grieve loss of someone you love, but the sheer unexpectedness can be so devastating. One moment you are fine, chipper and well and then something can trigger an avalanche of pain on to your heart and make you want to run, run, RUN to escape it as hard and as fast as you can.”

APRIL (I cheated a bit. April was a light month because I switched to my own URL and Wordpress theme designed by Kerflop from Blogger. Not many stellar opening lines here. SO, I will just give you one of my favorite things of the month. This ditty explains how most of my “Technical Support” conversations went during the transition:

Jessica: “Ok, Loralee. Now I need you to open the Doohicky folder.”

Loralee: “Umm…I don’t know what a Doohicky folder IS, Jessica.”

Jessica: “Oh, no problem. It is that file over there in your Thingamabob directory.”

Loralee: “Wait, is that the one that one I opened by hitting the Vorpal Blade Function? Or was it the Snarfblatt thingy you told me about yesterday???”

Jessica: “Just breathe, Loralee. Try opening your Coocookachoo drive and we’ll go from there.”

Loralee: “Ok. Hold on…Oh, DANG IT! I just hit the Bibbityboobityboo button and now “Queen” is playing and my screen has dancing Care Bears all over it.”

Jessica: “Hmmm…This could be a problem.”

Loralee: “Can you hold on for a minute? I have to go stick a Dinglehopper in my eye.”

MAY

“Happy Birthday, Jonathan! As a gift, I promise to never download and install “Limewire” to my computer again.
That said, I will NOT start calling you, ‘Omnipotent Man’.(For the record, I don’t think that is a real super hero power, anyway.)

JUNE

“I need to vent for a moment.‘FRICK! FRACK! FRETCHING FREAKING FETCH FUDGE FRICKIN FRETCHING FETCHER!’*BREATH*‘SuckasuckasuckaSUCKSUCKSCUK.‘SEE? It has even gone beyond suck and is now SCUK!”

JULY

“If you are going to inadvertently shoplift something from your local IKEA, you might as well try to make it something more exciting than a dinner roll.”

AUGUST

“Um…Hi, neighbor! What is going on? What? You hope I’m not on my way out? Well, I guess just because I’m walking out the door with my friend and have the car keys and cellphone in my hand doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going anywhere. What? Your phone was shut off? You need to call your OBGYN? Do I have a phone you could use? Well, sure! Luckily, I have one, you know, in my hand! With my car keys!! That I wasn’t necessarily going to use to go anywhere right now!!”

SEPTEMBER:

“The bacon this morning was much piggier than at previous establishments.”I should probably publish more profound words about my last breakfast in Scotland, but I really think Michelle summed it up adequately.

OCTOBER

“I enjoy “Experimenting” as much as the next person. I mean, I don’t get crazy and involve things like yaks, ninjas, midgets or have a desire to get jiggy with other couples in the neighborhood, but I do like to be creative in the sack.”

NOVEMBER:

“It’s pretty much a given that if your brother-in-law calls to tell you that he was thinking about you in the shower, the conversation that follows is not going to be the same old, same old.”

DECEMBER:

“You wouldn’t think that a request at the butt-crack of dawn (Ok, more like 8:30) to drive three hours and rush a forgotten passport to the airport would be greedily welcomed like a Starbucks Frappuccino to Britney Spears gullet, but it was.”

**OOPS! I meant to shut off comments on this post. Nothing really to talk about on this one.