I visited my son’s grave today.
There was no special reason. No holiday or anniversary. No family or friends that live far away who wanted to pay their respects. I was just driving and saw the snow on the ground and wanted to check on my son, clean up his grave, and remove the decorations that I put up for Autumn.
Matthew is buried in a beautiful spot. I will be buried near him, but not next to him because that space is occupied, which makes me very sad.
It used to make me angry.
Until today.
The cemetery sexton told us that the grave right next to my son was donated and the family doesn’t have the resources for a headstone. There is a metal marker that has an index card with typing on it. The woman’s name has been obliterated. All I know is that death occurred in July of 1998 and that she was only 41 at the time of passing.
It’s hard not to think about “Her” when I visit the cemetery. She makes her presence known. That marker is quite close to Bug’s headstone and has very sharp corners. I don’t think that there has been a gathering there where someone’s pants, legs or coat don’t get ripped on the edges of that sharp, cold metal.
I also notice her because she has never, ever had one flower or sign of visitation in all the years I’ve been going to see my Little Bug. Though bitter and angry that she was occupying such a treasured spot, I began to be curious about this neighbor of my son.
To care.
Who was she? What was she like? Did she have any family? Why was she so abandoned?
It made me feel so bad for this woman.
For “Her”.
My family felt bad as well. So now, whenever we decorate or bring things to Bug, we put a little something on her grave, too. It’s the least I can do for someone who will lay next to my little one for all time.
It has come to give me a little comfort in a place and situation that is terrible.
Many people get comfort and peace visiting the graves of their loved ones, but I don’t. So, I don’t go to the cemetery often. It is not that I don’t WANT to go, I do. Because I miss my son. There are times where my desire to go and be in the same proximity of where my baby boy is is so overwhelming that I’ve gone up in the middle of the night in my pajamas, just to lay down on the grass and cry.
Being there is very hard on me.
I am a highly tangible person. When Matthew died, I ran around like a crazy person buying duplicates of every toy, blanket and special outfit I could find. Because I wanted him to be buried with the things that he loved in life, but I could.not.part.with.them. I needed those things to hold, cuddle, smell and cherish.
It’s hard for me to visit the place where he is buried because it is horrible for me to picture what has become of the little body that I loved and watched over. It’s hard to be there freezing and shivering and not freak out because I, his mother, his protector, can’t do anything to make him warm. I know it makes no sense. I know that he can’t feel anything, but BABIES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE COLD.
Not MY babies.
Not on MY watch.
Going to see him at this place, this tangible reminder of the worst day of my life, is hard to do. To get through it I take comfort in whatever I can, whenever I can.
And today?
I got a little bit.
I parked my car, walked to Bug’s grave and saw that someone brought flowers to “Her”.
Someone remembered she was there.
Finally.
Even better? There was a card. Maybe I shouldn’t have read it, but after so many years and so much wondering, I had to know something about her. It was a simple statement written on the back of a Winnie the Pooh florist card:
“Mom, We love you and miss you dearly- The 4 of us are all here together for the first time at your grave since July 9, 1998. Love, Michael, Angie, Tony (Dad), Brandy”.
It made me ridiculously happy. While there is still no first or last name that I can give to “Her”, I know that she had the best name ever: MOM.
She had a family. Loved ones. People that loved her and cared about her and missed her. People that I could see, for whatever reason, were not able to watch over her final resting place and tend to her as they would like to.
Looking at that card I felt so much of my anger and resentment disappear.
I felt hope and gratitude, both things I have not felt in a very long time.
Hope that I CAN get through this.
Gratitude that even though it was only for a very short time, this wonderful, beautiful, AMAZING spirit that was my son…my Matthew…was MINE.
I got to be his MOM. The best word in the world.
It is something that I had almost forgotten in my layers of dark, unending grief.
“Her” and her family helped remind me that the joy of being Matthew’s mother can NEVER be taken away from me.
As long as I draw breath and have family, my child’s resting place will not be forgotten, but cared for and loved and watched over.
So will “Hers”.
I’ll make sure of it.
so many things I do not understand… why so many are born without any problems, while my wife and I have 3 losses before our first was born… why so many grow up, and some, like Bug, die so young… why so many live in health, while my wife is so ill… why some live their lives with little suffering, while others suffer intensely… it does not seem fair nor just.
I am so very sorry for the loss and pain you bear. no words can change that. I can hear in your words so much grief and yet compassion for those who awkwardly attempt to “help” yet whose words are painful to your ears.
I pray that Daddy God will evelope you in His strong arms, hold you close to His beating heart, and love and comfort you tenderly through this time. I agree that babies should not be cold, and my belief is that while your child’s body may be cold, his spirit and everlasting presence is not, but rather is warmed in the presence of our creator, and basking also in the warmth of his mother’s love that you have so abundantly extended to him.
Blessing, love and light to you and your family… you are an amazing person.
J/
I just found your blog, and in my introduction to you, you have left me utterly overwhelmed and in tears.
Thank you for sharing that.
Before I read this I was thinking “this child is driving me crazy today” Thank you so much for reminding me that everyone we love is only on loan to us for a while. We need to laugh and cherish every second we have to love our children and family as they could be gone at any second…. how could I forget such a simple truth of life?
Our family has lost a child also ( Niece to us) There is no harder loss. my heart goes out to you (and my tears).
Dawn
Just happened on this post via Stumbleupon. Cried and cried…just another reason to hug my babies…life is fleeting.
You are an awesome person.
I too happened here via Stumbleupon. I finally stopped crying enough to see the screen again. You have humbled me today I have two children who often have me at wits end; you have reminded me how precious every moment with them truly is and how fleeting a life can be. I am glad your little bug has another mama to look after him for now even though she can never replace you and your love. You are a brilliant and passionate writer and I thank you for sharing your pain and wisdom to enlighten others.
Thank you for this post about your precious son. I was just expressing some frustration at my son for not helping out with some last minute chores before we go on a trip.
Now I’m reminded of just how much I love him and my daughter and I need to tell them now.
Your son, your words and your love are doing a world of good.
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I came upon this post via Stumbleupon and I’m just overwhelmed with emotion. I’ve never gone through a loss like this, but I’m a new mom with a 17 month old son and posts like this have a whole new meaning to me now. This is beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing.
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My God, I can’t imagine how you made it through your loss. I have a beautiful granddaughter and a son that live with me and it would kill me if anything happened the either of them. Your strength is an inspiration. No parent should ever have to go through this.
We are supposed to go first.
I stumbled on this blog and all I can say is awesomely done. God bless you and your family
I Stumbled Upon This! Being A Soon To Be Mom I Thought I Was Really Emotional But Now I See That I Am Very Overly Emotional! I Am Sitting Here Bawling Like A Baby! I Am About To have A Baby In November And I Cant Imagine What I Would Do With Out Her! It Took Us Almost A Year To Conceive And We Almost Gave Up!
I Lost My Mom When I Was 7 Years Old! It Was Really Hard Even Though I Didnt Really Know What Was Going On! Now At The Age Of 23 I Still Find It Hard To Go See Her At Her Grave! It Just Tears Me Apart! So I Dont Know What I Would Do If That Was My Husband Or My Child! God Bless You!!!!
You Are An AWESOME Writer! I Am Crying My Eyes Out Still Good Thing I Know Where The Keys Are! I Am Praying For You And Your Family!
And As For Her You Are An Awesome Woman! Im Sure She Is Taking Care Of Your Bug!
Thanks for posting this. My brother died when he was 6, and what you wrote helps me understand my own mother a little better. I have a little boy, and I cannot even fathom what you are going through. You are so strong.
I see by the comments that I am not the only person to stumble on your page. This was very touching for me to read. I have no idea how difficult it must be for you to go through your life without your little boy and selfishly hope that I never learn that lesson.
It is good that you are finding comfort in the care of “Her.” Should you wish to know her name, you could check with the people in charge of maintaining the cemetary and they should be able to locate the records for you. Perhaps letting her family know that you care for her when they can not would help you both in some way.
Thank you for blessing me with your story.
I’m so sorry that you lost your son… I can’t imagine how hard that was.
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Yeah, Bug is there, BUT he’ll eventually become a part of wonderful new life that will feel the warmth of the sun on their leaves, wings … This will either horrify you or provide a little comfort. I hope it’s the latter.
I’m so sorry for you lose. I cry for you as a mom myself all i can do is cry I’m so sorry keep your head up he knows you are there with him
My heart hurts for you and your family. I’m so sorry for your loss.
It does make sense. It makes perfect sense.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I cried so hard reading your post. I’m glad there are still good people in the world that realize the value of a human life. It’s very kind of you to look after “Her.”
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Oh this was devastating and beautiful. I’m crying my head off for you and for Her. Thank you for sharing this, and I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss.
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August 2 of this year would/will be my son Nicholas’ 6th birthday. Each time I go visit his grave I feel very similar. Luckily he is in our family area and arrangements were made for my place next to him, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I too have horrible thoughts of what has happened to the little body I loved to hold however I try each time those thoughts creep up to change my own track….it’s almost impossible though.
Thank you for putting my thoughts into words. God Bless you and God Bless your Bug.
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I am sure you don’t need another comment on this post, but I feel compelled to comment anyway. This is the single, best piece of writing I have seen on the Internet. It is amazing, raw, and heartfelt. I am weeping as I type this.
It reminds me of my favorite writer, Jenn Mattern at http://www.breedemandweep.com
Beautiful and poignant. Thank you for writing it.
T.
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My grandson “Scott Nick” was born on August 2, 2002 and passed away December 6, 2002 of “SIDS”. Cricky was a wonderful mother to him.
Your writing is so very true. I have trouble going to see Nick. He taught us many valuable lessons.
He has a mother angel watching him.
May god bless you and all of us that have our broken hearts.
What an amazing, amazing piece of writing. And what an amazing woman you are to care so much for someone you didn’t know. I don’t know you, but I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine.
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So finally someone has come to old Agatha’s grave and left a note? Ha! That note was paid for by the John Birch Society conspiracy to deny that 9/11 was caused by the fluoridation of our drinking water.
I’m crying so hard right now. I really needed this.
It’s beautiful and I can’t imagine what you have gone through.
Hi,
I came across this post on BlogNosh. What a courageous post! My heartfelt condolences to you on the loss of your son – I can’t imagine a more terrible thing :(
Will be back to visit your blog.
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I know i don’t know you and all you are going throw but I hop this well help you and make you smile I writ this for my bast friend when she lost her son
A child A child is now at rest for a safer place he Well be. A world of goodness and a world With out worry or pane. No fare well be, In a better place he’ll be a place Where the sick is healed and where blinded eyes Can see, our world has forever changed. Our lives are not the same but close with in our hearts his face remains. We give to him our tears and are prayers. We cherries all the memories felled with happiness and Love he’ll have someone to depend on.
I can hardly breathe. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your heart and your soul
I stumbled across this yesterday and just finished reading it to my wife. Your compassion is amazing. This is amazing. I like the comment above saying that while you are not there, another MOM is keeping your son company.
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I just Stumbled here, and I am moved beyond words. So terribly sorry for your loss.
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Just crying with you…..
God bless you…
Oh my! Wow! Im at a loss of words. Only bawling and feeling your pain. I have a little boy and it would literally kill me to loose him. Literally! My heart goes out to you. I can so feel your pain. You are strong even though you feel you are weak. God Bless you. Maybe you don’t want to hear those words because its so hard to believe on something/someone that would allow your little Bug to cease to exist. I can’t explain why. And I would be in the same boat if that were to happen to me. Funny, how just in the last week or so I have been soaking up every little bit of my son. His silliness, his laughter, his kisses and hugs. Almost like if something were to happen to him, I’d never want to look back and wish I would have taken such a closer look.
Thank you for your blog. I do hope that Bug comes to comfort you in the small things to let you know that he is still around you and that he hasn’t forgotten you. A big hug for you, my friend.
I lost my oldest friend a week ago today. We’re just 23 years old. I came accross this on stumble, and it has brought me great comfort. I was amazed to see that you lost your little bug on my birthday. I will never go another year without thinking of him on that day, and the comfort your words have brought me after my loss. Thank you.
I just read this post, and like everyone else, am wiping tears from my eyes.
While I can’t imagine the horror of losing a child, I do understand loss and feelings of unbearable pain. My daughter’s father, love of my life, died two years ago when she was just two years old. I’ve spent moments lying atop his grave, sobbing hysterically. And just like you, have to work to keep my mind from envisioning his body now.
I know there’s never any right thing to say, except I’m so so sorry. You’re a tremendous person for putting this out there — thank you, thank you. I’m glad I found you.
Wow.
Tears.
Incredible.
Thank You.
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L, I hadn’t seen this before, and I am so touched. The thing I value most in people is authenticity, and yours pours through in this piece. You must be a fantastic mom. A flawed, full, feeling, fabulous mom. And life is indeed unfair, horrible, cruel and mysterious. And it’s glorious and exciting and delicious too. It does not make sense, yet we spend our lives trying to make sense of it, as you are here. In such a wonderful, real way. Thank you for sharing who you are.
Love and blessings to you.
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This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read, truly.
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We lost our child 26 yrs ago she is in a different state than us ,so we don’t get to visit often.Even after all this time I miss the person she could have been.But i believe she is with others who love her just as much as I do. Your story is beautiful as is your soul.
May God Bless and take care of you .
I don’t really know what to say except that this has moved me to tears. I have two babies of my own, and I just can’t even think about not being able to protect their little toes. Thank you so much for sharing this. It must have been very very hard for you!
Marisa
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That post is just beautiful. I feel so much sadness in my heart for you, and for “her”.
I will keep you both in my thoughts and hope that offers some confort when times get rough.
that is a lovely post, and i’m glad you have it highlighted on your sidebar.
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We are the same age, my first child was born 5-03, I am LDS.
I just wept reading this post.
I know what you’ve been taught, I know what you believe(ed). I’ve only lost one person close to me, and I find so much comfort in knowing she’s happy and “in a better place. That being said…
I can’t imagine standing at my child’s grave and not be able to “keep him warm.” A mother’s arms should never be empty, a mother should always be able to comfort and protect.
I am so sorry you’ve had to face this.
I just stumbled upon this post and am sitting here in a puddle of tears. My husband and I went through years of infertility hell and suffered 3 miscarriages. Knowing how hard that was…I simply cannot imagine the grief you must have experienced losing a child you actually held in your arms. I am so sorry for your loss. And I am deeply touched by the beautiful empathy you show for this woman you do not even know. You’re obviously a wonderful, wonderful person.
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Wow.
Thanks for writing this.
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Loralee,
Hello. I found you from Britt’s post today.
I am so sorry for your loss and I can’t imagine the pain you’ve endured from it. The sentiments you expressed here are beautiful and amazing.
Bless you.
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I came here from Brit’s to read your best post and am leaving in tears. While I’ve not lost a child I can understand from a mom’s prespective the depths of your emotion. What a kind soul to take care of the stranger beside your son and who knows maybe she looks after him for you in heaven.
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Oh my. I’m here via Miss Britt. I realize there are no words anyone can ever to make you feel better. I KNOW THAT. But I feel the need to tell you how extremely sorry I am, and how wonderful it is you care for “Her”.
My best friend and I had our babies close together. At 15 months of age, her baby died. The couldn’t afford a stone either. But I had written a poem about Emily, laminated it, and I replace it every so often. The mother can’t bring herself to visit the grave. So I admire you for your strength.
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loralee,
there is no comment that i can possible muster that will properly convey what a spectacular post this was. as most everyone here, i find it difficult to write through the tears, yet feel compelled to tell you that at the very same time my heart was breaking for your loss, my heart was also being warmed by the fact that a mom is next to your young bug. makes me feel that god really does have a hand in everything.
again, i hate that you have suffered such a loss. there is no way i could even imagine what you went through, what you continue to go through. i am, however, so very thankful that you are there for her.
becky
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This is my first visit to your blog – I found you through Miss Britt. This is a beautiful tribute to your son, to Her, to your grief, and to you. Thank you for putting it out there for all of us to feel right along side of you.
*HUGS*
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I work at a cemetery and I thought it was odd that they had left the grave marker there. We use them in a different way than that cemetery does.
I’ve seen the steps of grief listed many times in my 9 years at the cemetery. Whenever I see them, I wonder if people take those steps literally and feel bad when they haven’t followed them exactly. I think that people use those steps as a crutch when they try to find something to say to someone who has lost a loved one. The truth of the matter is, there is nothing any of us can say.
When my parents died 6 months apart not long after I turned 25, nothing anyone said about that event made any sense to me for many many years. My grief was my own, just as yours is your own. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about how you grieve. It only matters how you deal with it yourself. If you need to lie on the grass of your son’s grave, then you should, and no one has any right to sit in judgment on you for those actions, especially if they bring you comfort.
I write as part of an online serial story and my character Carlisle lost a son at age 10, something that is part of her backstory. When something hurts her as much as the loss of her son does, I had her hop on a plane and head for his grave. She lies there on the frozen ground, on his grave, and sobs.
Reading your words reminded me of writing that part of the story. It was a hard night for me and when I finished, I had go look in on my teenager, who was lying on her bed on the phone. She looked up at me and asked what was wrong. I told her there was nothing wrong, I just loved her. She could have rolled her eyes and done the typical teenager thing but she didn’t. She said, I love you too Mom.
I wish you peace. Thank you for sharing this post.
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