I visited my son’s grave today.
There was no special reason. No holiday or anniversary. No family or friends that live far away who wanted to pay their respects. I was just driving and saw the snow on the ground and wanted to check on my son, clean up his grave, and remove the decorations that I put up for Autumn.
Matthew is buried in a beautiful spot. I will be buried near him, but not next to him because that space is occupied, which makes me very sad.
It used to make me angry.
Until today.
The cemetery sexton told us that the grave right next to my son was donated and the family doesn’t have the resources for a headstone. There is a metal marker that has an index card with typing on it. The woman’s name has been obliterated. All I know is that death occurred in July of 1998 and that she was only 41 at the time of passing.
It’s hard not to think about “Her” when I visit the cemetery. She makes her presence known. That marker is quite close to Bug’s headstone and has very sharp corners. I don’t think that there has been a gathering there where someone’s pants, legs or coat don’t get ripped on the edges of that sharp, cold metal.
I also notice her because she has never, ever had one flower or sign of visitation in all the years I’ve been going to see my Little Bug. Though bitter and angry that she was occupying such a treasured spot, I began to be curious about this neighbor of my son.
To care.
Who was she? What was she like? Did she have any family? Why was she so abandoned?
It made me feel so bad for this woman.
For “Her”.
My family felt bad as well. So now, whenever we decorate or bring things to Bug, we put a little something on her grave, too. It’s the least I can do for someone who will lay next to my little one for all time.
It has come to give me a little comfort in a place and situation that is terrible.
Many people get comfort and peace visiting the graves of their loved ones, but I don’t. So, I don’t go to the cemetery often. It is not that I don’t WANT to go, I do. Because I miss my son. There are times where my desire to go and be in the same proximity of where my baby boy is is so overwhelming that I’ve gone up in the middle of the night in my pajamas, just to lay down on the grass and cry.
Being there is very hard on me.
I am a highly tangible person. When Matthew died, I ran around like a crazy person buying duplicates of every toy, blanket and special outfit I could find. Because I wanted him to be buried with the things that he loved in life, but I could.not.part.with.them. I needed those things to hold, cuddle, smell and cherish.
It’s hard for me to visit the place where he is buried because it is horrible for me to picture what has become of the little body that I loved and watched over. It’s hard to be there freezing and shivering and not freak out because I, his mother, his protector, can’t do anything to make him warm. I know it makes no sense. I know that he can’t feel anything, but BABIES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE COLD.
Not MY babies.
Not on MY watch.
Going to see him at this place, this tangible reminder of the worst day of my life, is hard to do. To get through it I take comfort in whatever I can, whenever I can.
And today?
I got a little bit.
I parked my car, walked to Bug’s grave and saw that someone brought flowers to “Her”.
Someone remembered she was there.
Finally.
Even better? There was a card. Maybe I shouldn’t have read it, but after so many years and so much wondering, I had to know something about her. It was a simple statement written on the back of a Winnie the Pooh florist card:
“Mom, We love you and miss you dearly- The 4 of us are all here together for the first time at your grave since July 9, 1998. Love, Michael, Angie, Tony (Dad), Brandy”.
It made me ridiculously happy. While there is still no first or last name that I can give to “Her”, I know that she had the best name ever: MOM.
She had a family. Loved ones. People that loved her and cared about her and missed her. People that I could see, for whatever reason, were not able to watch over her final resting place and tend to her as they would like to.
Looking at that card I felt so much of my anger and resentment disappear.
I felt hope and gratitude, both things I have not felt in a very long time.
Hope that I CAN get through this.
Gratitude that even though it was only for a very short time, this wonderful, beautiful, AMAZING spirit that was my son…my Matthew…was MINE.
I got to be his MOM. The best word in the world.
It is something that I had almost forgotten in my layers of dark, unending grief.
“Her” and her family helped remind me that the joy of being Matthew’s mother can NEVER be taken away from me.
As long as I draw breath and have family, my child’s resting place will not be forgotten, but cared for and loved and watched over.
So will “Hers”.
I’ll make sure of it.
Stumble it!
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Oh, sweetie.
I’m literally weeping. I cannot imagine what you go through, and despite your grief you care about someone you do not know.
You are amazing.
xoxoxo
No comment…just crying with you.
I’m totally bawling. I’m so glad her family came to visit her and now you know it’s not just some lady, but another mommy that is with Bug when your not there.
Oh sweetie, I wish I were there to share your tears with you as you have shared so many with me. I’ve been thinking about you all day even before I read this. I have no words. I just want you to know that you are in my heart.
Oh. My.
I am so overwhelmed.
Loralee, of course this brought tears to my eyes. And, of course the first thing that came to my head was, “but, he isnt THERE.” And then I took my admonishment for that one…
It burdens my soul that my mother wants her urn buried. So that we will have a place to go. I know right now that I will never go there. I couldn’t bear it.
It is so wonderful, though, that you have taken another soul under your wings, even though it grieves you so.
You are a terrific lady. I learn from you everyday. That is, when you aren’t talking about blow up dolls!
I’m so happy that you are here for me to read, and get to know little by little.
I think your strength is amazing.
God bless you Loralee.
Thank you for posting this. I’ve had a lot of these very same feelings. And this made me also think that I need to make an unscheduled stop by my own baby’s grave. We don’t visit there much, since we moved across town. And, there isn’t much to visit. We never have been able to afford a proper marker ourselves and I made one myself at one time, but the cemetery removed it, as they’ve removed everything else we’ve ever brought him. It makes me sad. There are times I wish we’d had him cremated, so that I could keep the ashes with me and not have some place that has visiting hours (seriously, they do) and strict policies to visit. Anyhow.
Will you please either call or email me next time I shouldn’t read one of your posts? You know I cry at ANYTHING.
I am bawling now.
One day, on a whim, I went to the cemetary to see Rachel. I figured I could go and see Bug too.
I shouldn’t have went. It was near mothers day and Chloe had left a card.
I sat there and cried for two hours before I could even think of going home. I got up and went and saw that someone had left a pinwheel for bug.
It made me smile.
I had to leave this for a while before I trusted myself to write anything coherent.
I wish I could put my arms around you and give you such a hug!!!!
I don’t know where my little boy is…
“I know it makes no sense.”
It makes absolute sense…
Hi Loralee. It’s hairyshoefairy’s mom again. Just want to let you know that my heart is breaking for you and also for Sharon, from a couple of comments back, whoever she may be. I’m sorry you’ve had this completely devastating thing happen. I’m sorry.
that was so sweet and so touching
I read your blog quite religiously, but rerely comment.
You make me laugh and cry.
I know there are no words to ease the pain of your loss.
However, I ache for you and want you know what an amazing person I think you are. Your sweet Matthew is lucky to have you as his Mama.
Proofreading would be a good thing before posting…
RARELY…not rerely.
Yum, yeah…sorry.
I have no words that can bring much comfort~ I don’t know the story of your son but I can feel the love through your writing and know that he is completely loved. (((HUGS))) to you.
I am glad that someone came for “her” and you know that the woman is a mother.
This touched my heart deeply …
I wonder if you have read the poem here:
http://www.literarymama.com/poetry/archives/001590.html
It touched me, though I can’t know what you’d think of it. I thought of it reading this.
September 23rd is my birthday. I’m so, so sorry that it will really never be a good (or probably even average) day for you again. Sending love.
I think that “she” probably really appreciates it…you know?
You have been through the worst thing that I can even imagine. I’m going to go get more Kleenex now.
I had a hard time reading this but I did–I haven’t been to my daughter’s grave in such a long time because it IS hard. And I have had the exact same feeling, that I didn’t want her to be cold and especially in the winter it’s hard to see it so frozen and covered. It gets so buried in the snow during the winter that I can’t find it except to know that the drive has a marker that says Track 17 right at the point where she’s at and then I have to pace out 20 steps to find approximately where she is. She’s in the infant section and it’s painful to see all the markers with other short lives on them.
Hali is nearly four, but late at night when I am up reading things on the internet, I am gripped with these all consuming thoughts of her no longer being here with me (it seems a little mental, I know). I start to cry and have to run in and check on her. And I know, I would no longer be sane if I lost her. I would never have your strength.
When you wrote about laying down on the grass, I mentally kicked myself through my tears- to think I had been mad that it took Hali nearly two hours of me laying by her to fall asleep tonight! I will never ever be angered when I have to spend 1-2 hours getting my 4 year old to sleep.
Thank you, Loralee, I needed that reminder.
love to you
Ok, so I’m supposed to be the wiseguy in this joint…
But this may be the best thing you have ever written.
Pull it out again and read it again the next time the Loralee Insecurity Syndrome strikes.
Bug rules. So do you.
[...] “‘Her’” from Loralee’s Looney Tunes. Another one from Loralee this week, but it’s because yet again she spoke to me with her post. She talks about the woman who was buried next to her son who passed away at three months old. She used to feel resentment for that woman, but now she has found peace with the situation. She also talks how difficult it is to embrace the fact that her child’s body is underground and that I can definitely relate to. [...]
Hello. I’ve stopped by your site once or twice and have never commented, but I was moved to tell you this:
My, God. There are no words for what you’ve been through, yet you’ve managed to write one of the most beautiful, honest, achingly true things I’ve read in months. Your piece is a testament to a mother’s love, truly.
I am so, so sorry for the enormity of your loss.
Oh another crying, messy, sticky comment. I wish she had a decent headstone. Beautiful story.
You don’t know me, but I have to say thank you for such a sweet, tender, from-the-heart gift that you have written. I know your baby is aware of each visit you make, and every time you think of him. He grieves with you. And, ’she’ probably holds his hand when he sees you having a hard time. What a blessing for you to learn that she is a mom, and would understand.
It must mean so much to her that you care about her. I wish her family knew that. It might make it easier for them.
Thank you for taking the time to put these beautiful thoughts together, and for being willing to share them. I have been touched beyond anything I can express. Would that I could give you equal in return, and perhaps help you carry the pain of your loss, even just a little. Thank you
i’m proud of you loralee. you’re a good mom and a good person.
[...] this, with Loralee’s post the other day in mind. We ourselves shall be loved for a while and forgotten. But the love will [...]
This is beautiful writing. Writing this gorgeous reflects the character of the author.
A privilege to read.
I can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said- your thoughts that “don’t make any sense” make complete sense to me.
I too am grateful for “Her”-
Thank you for giving me some insight into all of this. My friend Christel, as you know, went through the same thing, but she never talks about it. At times she’ll make a reference to Sofia Isabel, but only in passing. I would love for her just to open up and really talk about it, but I guess she’s just not at that stage mentally.
As for “Her” – you’re a good person, LL, and this proves it.
This is me crying…see?
Tears?
What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this.
Wow.
Wow.
Thank you for sharing this.
you are brave and brilliant. you have managed to touch my soul so very deeply. you are an incredible talent and person. and mom.
thank you for letting me read this.
Loralee, this is the first time I have came to your site from Angella’s. First off it is a beautiful site. So i was nosey LOL I read some of your posts and got to this one. I also lost a son, mine was 7 yrs ago. I had never told anyone how i was so worried & upset that he would be cold in his grave. How much still to this day it makes me cry! So I completely understand where you are coming from. I may have just started reading, but I will stay. From one mom who has lost her son to another, if you ever need to talk, please feel free to email me. I am here! {{{Hugs}}}
Amber
This is a perfect post. Amazing.
This is amazing. And it is honest. So honest. Definitely perfect ….
You are an amazing, loving person. And Mom.
just crying.
This is my first time visiting you. Mr Lady sent me here.
I am crying and well, just crying. Thank you for sharing.
beautiful. and yes…there are tears.
natalies last blog post..Toothpaste misadventures.
This is one of the most well-written, compelling, heart-wrenching posts I’ve read in a long time. A few things struck me …
1) “Her” … she’s supposed to be there. To watch over your little bug. When you can’t. Because yes, your little bug does need to stay warm. And protected. And safe. She will help you and allow you to help your father. Because, he also needs you.
2) Rejection (related to today’s post) never feels good. And yours is paramount. Not petty in the least. All I can say is you’ve put it out there. In the rawest of forms. You will be heard. Maybe not *there* but believe me, you’ve already been heard and will continue to be heard.
3) Don’t ever apologize for how you feel. Your feelings are all yours. And no one else has right to judge. They haven’t walked in your shoes. I’m glad you were able to own up to those feelings today.
My thoughts are with you today as you support your father.
Nilsas last blog post..Carrot
Hi. Nilsa sent me.
I…I couldn’t finish reading this. I am a mother and I cannot bear to think of the pain you must feel. I’m sitting here at work, fighting back the tears. I have to come back later to finish this beautiful piece of writing.
I came from Nilsa’s blog as well.
Your story really touched me. My little sister died when I was just three, and to a (certainly lesser) degree, I share your feelings about the person next to your son.
There was a little boy stillborn a couple of months before my little sister died, and his grave is kiddy corner and two over from hers. He had a big family and after he died, they moved away from the area. So while we tended to my sister’s grave growing up, his went empty. And it became ritual for me to visit and have a little chat with him every time I went to the cemetery. I couldn’t not, because I couldn’t bear the idea that this little boy didn’t have someone watching over him and loving him the way we were doing with her.
When I was there on her birthday, his parents were actually there. They left as soon as I pulled up, but it did my heart a little bit of good to know that they had actually come to see him.
Nilsa sent me too. And I’m really glad she did. This is an excellent post. I feel sad whenever I see a neglected grave or an unmarked one. I’m glad that your son has a mom next to him, even if it isn’t his mom. Like Nilsa said, she’ll be there to help him.
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Also sent by Nilsa. Sobbing at my desk, sending good thoughts to you and your family.
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You had me in tears. That was truly a beautiful post!
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Thank you so much for sharing your story and for sharing your feelings so openly. That mom is there… to help you protect Bug. I’m sure of it.
As a surgeon, I see death more than most people. For me, it usually ends when I have to deliver bad news and I have to hurry onto the next thing, with little to no time allowed for grieving of a lost life. Thank you for showing me the next step and allowing me to grieve with you.
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I can not even imagine what you must feel. This post was amazing at giving me a little glimpse. I am sorry for your loss. I really am.
toris last blog post..What-evs
I also came from Nilsa and quite honestly I have no idea what to say.
All I do know is that that was simply beautiful. I am not a Mom so I cannot even imagine to begin how you feel, but what I do know is that the longing I feel to be a mother, which seems quite strong right now, is nothing compared to the longing you feel to being a mother to your baby boy again.
My heart broke over and over for you as I read this. You are amazing. I have no idea the amount of strength that you have. Amazing.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your son, I am also so very sorry that I can’t write the words that I want to properly and adequately convey that to you.
You are in my prayers.
Tipps last blog post..Redeeming Love
Wow — I got here from Nilsa’s blog as well, and this was powerful. Thank you for sharing. I’m overwhelmed and can’t think of what I could say that others haven’t already. Namaste.
ALHs last blog post..too much talking
so many things I do not understand… why so many are born without any problems, while my wife and I have 3 losses before our first was born… why so many grow up, and some, like Bug, die so young… why so many live in health, while my wife is so ill… why some live their lives with little suffering, while others suffer intensely… it does not seem fair nor just.
I am so very sorry for the loss and pain you bear. no words can change that. I can hear in your words so much grief and yet compassion for those who awkwardly attempt to “help” yet whose words are painful to your ears.
I pray that Daddy God will evelope you in His strong arms, hold you close to His beating heart, and love and comfort you tenderly through this time. I agree that babies should not be cold, and my belief is that while your child’s body may be cold, his spirit and everlasting presence is not, but rather is warmed in the presence of our creator, and basking also in the warmth of his mother’s love that you have so abundantly extended to him.
Blessing, love and light to you and your family… you are an amazing person.
J/
I just found your blog, and in my introduction to you, you have left me utterly overwhelmed and in tears.
Thank you for sharing that.
Before I read this I was thinking “this child is driving me crazy today” Thank you so much for reminding me that everyone we love is only on loan to us for a while. We need to laugh and cherish every second we have to love our children and family as they could be gone at any second…. how could I forget such a simple truth of life?
Our family has lost a child also ( Niece to us) There is no harder loss. my heart goes out to you (and my tears).
Dawn
Just happened on this post via Stumbleupon. Cried and cried…just another reason to hug my babies…life is fleeting.
You are an awesome person.
I too happened here via Stumbleupon. I finally stopped crying enough to see the screen again. You have humbled me today I have two children who often have me at wits end; you have reminded me how precious every moment with them truly is and how fleeting a life can be. I am glad your little bug has another mama to look after him for now even though she can never replace you and your love. You are a brilliant and passionate writer and I thank you for sharing your pain and wisdom to enlighten others.
Thank you for this post about your precious son. I was just expressing some frustration at my son for not helping out with some last minute chores before we go on a trip.
Now I’m reminded of just how much I love him and my daughter and I need to tell them now.
Your son, your words and your love are doing a world of good.
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I came upon this post via Stumbleupon and I’m just overwhelmed with emotion. I’ve never gone through a loss like this, but I’m a new mom with a 17 month old son and posts like this have a whole new meaning to me now. This is beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing.
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My God, I can’t imagine how you made it through your loss. I have a beautiful granddaughter and a son that live with me and it would kill me if anything happened the either of them. Your strength is an inspiration. No parent should ever have to go through this.
We are supposed to go first.
I stumbled on this blog and all I can say is awesomely done. God bless you and your family
I Stumbled Upon This! Being A Soon To Be Mom I Thought I Was Really Emotional But Now I See That I Am Very Overly Emotional! I Am Sitting Here Bawling Like A Baby! I Am About To have A Baby In November And I Cant Imagine What I Would Do With Out Her! It Took Us Almost A Year To Conceive And We Almost Gave Up!
I Lost My Mom When I Was 7 Years Old! It Was Really Hard Even Though I Didnt Really Know What Was Going On! Now At The Age Of 23 I Still Find It Hard To Go See Her At Her Grave! It Just Tears Me Apart! So I Dont Know What I Would Do If That Was My Husband Or My Child! God Bless You!!!!
You Are An AWESOME Writer! I Am Crying My Eyes Out Still Good Thing I Know Where The Keys Are! I Am Praying For You And Your Family!
And As For Her You Are An Awesome Woman! Im Sure She Is Taking Care Of Your Bug!
Thanks for posting this. My brother died when he was 6, and what you wrote helps me understand my own mother a little better. I have a little boy, and I cannot even fathom what you are going through. You are so strong.
I see by the comments that I am not the only person to stumble on your page. This was very touching for me to read. I have no idea how difficult it must be for you to go through your life without your little boy and selfishly hope that I never learn that lesson.
It is good that you are finding comfort in the care of “Her.” Should you wish to know her name, you could check with the people in charge of maintaining the cemetary and they should be able to locate the records for you. Perhaps letting her family know that you care for her when they can not would help you both in some way.
Thank you for blessing me with your story.
I’m so sorry that you lost your son… I can’t imagine how hard that was.
sevens last blog post..The Poster List.
Yeah, Bug is there, BUT he’ll eventually become a part of wonderful new life that will feel the warmth of the sun on their leaves, wings … This will either horrify you or provide a little comfort. I hope it’s the latter.
I’m so sorry for you lose. I cry for you as a mom myself all i can do is cry I’m so sorry keep your head up he knows you are there with him
My heart hurts for you and your family. I’m so sorry for your loss.
It does make sense. It makes perfect sense.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I cried so hard reading your post. I’m glad there are still good people in the world that realize the value of a human life. It’s very kind of you to look after “Her.”
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Oh this was devastating and beautiful. I’m crying my head off for you and for Her. Thank you for sharing this, and I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss.
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August 2 of this year would/will be my son Nicholas’ 6th birthday. Each time I go visit his grave I feel very similar. Luckily he is in our family area and arrangements were made for my place next to him, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I too have horrible thoughts of what has happened to the little body I loved to hold however I try each time those thoughts creep up to change my own track….it’s almost impossible though.
Thank you for putting my thoughts into words. God Bless you and God Bless your Bug.
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[...] loraleeslooneytunes.com » “Her” [...]
I am sure you don’t need another comment on this post, but I feel compelled to comment anyway. This is the single, best piece of writing I have seen on the Internet. It is amazing, raw, and heartfelt. I am weeping as I type this.
It reminds me of my favorite writer, Jenn Mattern at http://www.breedemandweep.com
Beautiful and poignant. Thank you for writing it.
T.
TLC@SendChocolates last blog post..The One Where I Have a Meltdown
My grandson “Scott Nick” was born on August 2, 2002 and passed away December 6, 2002 of “SIDS”. Cricky was a wonderful mother to him.
Your writing is so very true. I have trouble going to see Nick. He taught us many valuable lessons.
He has a mother angel watching him.
May god bless you and all of us that have our broken hearts.
[...] Her, by Loralee [...]
What an amazing, amazing piece of writing. And what an amazing woman you are to care so much for someone you didn’t know. I don’t know you, but I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine.
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So finally someone has come to old Agatha’s grave and left a note? Ha! That note was paid for by the John Birch Society conspiracy to deny that 9/11 was caused by the fluoridation of our drinking water.
I’m crying so hard right now. I really needed this.
It’s beautiful and I can’t imagine what you have gone through.
Hi,
I came across this post on BlogNosh. What a courageous post! My heartfelt condolences to you on the loss of your son – I can’t imagine a more terrible thing :(
Will be back to visit your blog.
cathys last blog post..
I know i don’t know you and all you are going throw but I hop this well help you and make you smile I writ this for my bast friend when she lost her son
A child A child is now at rest for a safer place he Well be. A world of goodness and a world With out worry or pane. No fare well be, In a better place he’ll be a place Where the sick is healed and where blinded eyes Can see, our world has forever changed. Our lives are not the same but close with in our hearts his face remains. We give to him our tears and are prayers. We cherries all the memories felled with happiness and Love he’ll have someone to depend on.
I can hardly breathe. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your heart and your soul
I stumbled across this yesterday and just finished reading it to my wife. Your compassion is amazing. This is amazing. I like the comment above saying that while you are not there, another MOM is keeping your son company.
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I just Stumbled here, and I am moved beyond words. So terribly sorry for your loss.
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Just crying with you…..
God bless you…
Oh my! Wow! Im at a loss of words. Only bawling and feeling your pain. I have a little boy and it would literally kill me to loose him. Literally! My heart goes out to you. I can so feel your pain. You are strong even though you feel you are weak. God Bless you. Maybe you don’t want to hear those words because its so hard to believe on something/someone that would allow your little Bug to cease to exist. I can’t explain why. And I would be in the same boat if that were to happen to me. Funny, how just in the last week or so I have been soaking up every little bit of my son. His silliness, his laughter, his kisses and hugs. Almost like if something were to happen to him, I’d never want to look back and wish I would have taken such a closer look.
Thank you for your blog. I do hope that Bug comes to comfort you in the small things to let you know that he is still around you and that he hasn’t forgotten you. A big hug for you, my friend.
I lost my oldest friend a week ago today. We’re just 23 years old. I came accross this on stumble, and it has brought me great comfort. I was amazed to see that you lost your little bug on my birthday. I will never go another year without thinking of him on that day, and the comfort your words have brought me after my loss. Thank you.
I just read this post, and like everyone else, am wiping tears from my eyes.
While I can’t imagine the horror of losing a child, I do understand loss and feelings of unbearable pain. My daughter’s father, love of my life, died two years ago when she was just two years old. I’ve spent moments lying atop his grave, sobbing hysterically. And just like you, have to work to keep my mind from envisioning his body now.
I know there’s never any right thing to say, except I’m so so sorry. You’re a tremendous person for putting this out there — thank you, thank you. I’m glad I found you.
Wow.
Tears.
Incredible.
Thank You.
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L, I hadn’t seen this before, and I am so touched. The thing I value most in people is authenticity, and yours pours through in this piece. You must be a fantastic mom. A flawed, full, feeling, fabulous mom. And life is indeed unfair, horrible, cruel and mysterious. And it’s glorious and exciting and delicious too. It does not make sense, yet we spend our lives trying to make sense of it, as you are here. In such a wonderful, real way. Thank you for sharing who you are.
Love and blessings to you.
willies last blog post..golden gate
This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read, truly.
Don Mills DIvas last blog post..Worth staying awake for
We lost our child 26 yrs ago she is in a different state than us ,so we don’t get to visit often.Even after all this time I miss the person she could have been.But i believe she is with others who love her just as much as I do. Your story is beautiful as is your soul.
May God Bless and take care of you .
I don’t really know what to say except that this has moved me to tears. I have two babies of my own, and I just can’t even think about not being able to protect their little toes. Thank you so much for sharing this. It must have been very very hard for you!
Marisa
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That post is just beautiful. I feel so much sadness in my heart for you, and for “her”.
I will keep you both in my thoughts and hope that offers some confort when times get rough.
that is a lovely post, and i’m glad you have it highlighted on your sidebar.
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[...] "Her" (tags: parenting) [...]
We are the same age, my first child was born 5-03, I am LDS.
I just wept reading this post.
I know what you’ve been taught, I know what you believe(ed). I’ve only lost one person close to me, and I find so much comfort in knowing she’s happy and “in a better place. That being said…
I can’t imagine standing at my child’s grave and not be able to “keep him warm.” A mother’s arms should never be empty, a mother should always be able to comfort and protect.
I am so sorry you’ve had to face this.
I just stumbled upon this post and am sitting here in a puddle of tears. My husband and I went through years of infertility hell and suffered 3 miscarriages. Knowing how hard that was…I simply cannot imagine the grief you must have experienced losing a child you actually held in your arms. I am so sorry for your loss. And I am deeply touched by the beautiful empathy you show for this woman you do not even know. You’re obviously a wonderful, wonderful person.
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Wow.
Thanks for writing this.
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Loralee,
Hello. I found you from Britt’s post today.
I am so sorry for your loss and I can’t imagine the pain you’ve endured from it. The sentiments you expressed here are beautiful and amazing.
Bless you.
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I came here from Brit’s to read your best post and am leaving in tears. While I’ve not lost a child I can understand from a mom’s prespective the depths of your emotion. What a kind soul to take care of the stranger beside your son and who knows maybe she looks after him for you in heaven.
Summers last blog post..Number One has left the nest
Oh my. I’m here via Miss Britt. I realize there are no words anyone can ever to make you feel better. I KNOW THAT. But I feel the need to tell you how extremely sorry I am, and how wonderful it is you care for “Her”.
My best friend and I had our babies close together. At 15 months of age, her baby died. The couldn’t afford a stone either. But I had written a poem about Emily, laminated it, and I replace it every so often. The mother can’t bring herself to visit the grave. So I admire you for your strength.
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loralee,
there is no comment that i can possible muster that will properly convey what a spectacular post this was. as most everyone here, i find it difficult to write through the tears, yet feel compelled to tell you that at the very same time my heart was breaking for your loss, my heart was also being warmed by the fact that a mom is next to your young bug. makes me feel that god really does have a hand in everything.
again, i hate that you have suffered such a loss. there is no way i could even imagine what you went through, what you continue to go through. i am, however, so very thankful that you are there for her.
becky
hello haha narfs last blog post..Two Words
This is my first visit to your blog – I found you through Miss Britt. This is a beautiful tribute to your son, to Her, to your grief, and to you. Thank you for putting it out there for all of us to feel right along side of you.
*HUGS*
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[...] Her, by Loralee [...]
I work at a cemetery and I thought it was odd that they had left the grave marker there. We use them in a different way than that cemetery does.
I’ve seen the steps of grief listed many times in my 9 years at the cemetery. Whenever I see them, I wonder if people take those steps literally and feel bad when they haven’t followed them exactly. I think that people use those steps as a crutch when they try to find something to say to someone who has lost a loved one. The truth of the matter is, there is nothing any of us can say.
When my parents died 6 months apart not long after I turned 25, nothing anyone said about that event made any sense to me for many many years. My grief was my own, just as yours is your own. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about how you grieve. It only matters how you deal with it yourself. If you need to lie on the grass of your son’s grave, then you should, and no one has any right to sit in judgment on you for those actions, especially if they bring you comfort.
I write as part of an online serial story and my character Carlisle lost a son at age 10, something that is part of her backstory. When something hurts her as much as the loss of her son does, I had her hop on a plane and head for his grave. She lies there on the frozen ground, on his grave, and sobs.
Reading your words reminded me of writing that part of the story. It was a hard night for me and when I finished, I had go look in on my teenager, who was lying on her bed on the phone. She looked up at me and asked what was wrong. I told her there was nothing wrong, I just loved her. She could have rolled her eyes and done the typical teenager thing but she didn’t. She said, I love you too Mom.
I wish you peace. Thank you for sharing this post.
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Awww, man, just found this through your link on the left sidebar of your site. Am crying with you. I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug, though I don’t know you and doubt it would help. I’m not a religious person, but I’ll send up a little prayer for you and your little one. Peace and love to you both.
My daughter has a grave that is just like “her” grave. We still don’t have the money to get a nice stone 3 years later. The space beside hers is also another sweet baby girl with a beautiful stone. It’s so hard to go there and see it.
Loralee,
I just came to your blog through fivestarfriday. Your Matthew is the 2nd little Matthew I have “known” to die from SIDS. It really sucks that there are any Matthews or any other precious children to have their lives snatched away, their unrealized futures left to wondering about.
I really enjoy your writing and am looking forward to reading more here.
Peace to you.
oh my god I am so so sorry.
my mom lost a baby – they called it “Crib Death” back then.
I am off the edge of words here.
I am just so sorry.
I just wanted to say hello to you after reading this post. I wish I didn’t but I know a little about losing a child. Our daughter, Anna, was stillborn in 2006. We don’t have a grave to visit because I knew immediately that I wouldn’t be able to face what you do each time you go. I also don’t get to blog about her – not on my “regular” blog anyway, I’ve got a “secret” blog, isn’t that sick? anyway, I love how you write and I think I’ll be a devoted reader. Take care.
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Just clicked through to this from your sidebar. I am so, so sorry that you have had such a devastating loss – I’m sorry that you have to endure the pain that every mother fears.
I thank you also, as I sit here trying to hide from my 3 year old the sobs, for reminding me how precious each of our lives are, and how we know not what the next instant brings.
Off to cuddle with my babies for the rest of the day- and remembering you, and your sweet Matthew.
Annies last blog post..I can be a Good Mother Without Reality TV
Loralee,
I am SOOOO sorry for you loss. I’m glad there is a mom lying next to your dear Matthew for those times your can’t be there, and glad you are there to watch over her grave, too.
You are in my thoughts today.
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My eyes are wet. That is very beautiful, thank you. Bless you.
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Thank you so much for sharing your story, you write so beautifully. I can’t wait to read your other posts.
crying. just crying for your and her.
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Wow. I feel for you. I connect with your grief. For a moment in time, we connect. Your son is so loved and he knows it! :) And that is pretty amazing that all 4 of “Her” kids came to gather. That is wonderful. This post made my heart swell with grief, relief.. well you know the drill. Take care
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I came across you through Hola Isabel… I lost my dad back in the summer, so I too have been going through the greiving process. I go to his graveside several times a week, and I can completely understand how you feel about “her”.
Best wishes to you.
Laura Lee Gregg
Coila, MS
That is truly amazing! Bless you.
Loralee, I don’t know why I haven’t read this sooner. What a beautiful post. You are beautiful inside and out.
I SO understand what you’re going through. The trigger words, the images in my head, how it is so hard for me to visit her.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
Blessings,
Robin
Hi, Loralee
I know this post is more than a year old, but I bet your feelings haven’t changed a bit since then.
Your story moved me; I’m a father myself, and I don’t know what I would do if I -God forbid- were in your shoes.
Yours is an exceptional story of sorrow, pain, love, hope and solidarity, and I would like to ’steal’ it. I sometimes steal other bloggers’ posts and bring them to my readers; what I would do in this case is to translate the post into Spanish and feature it in my blog, and then just put a link to the original post here for my English-speaking audience.
My “stealing posts” series is still relatively new, but it has its followers already. My question is: would you be OK with me ’stealing’ this one in the near future? I will absolutely understand if you prefer I didn’t…
Loralee,
I can’t stop crying!!! You are amazing. Truly! I hope I never have to go through anything so painful, but if I do, I know I’ll think of you, and how in the midst of your own grief, you are still thinking of others. What a sweet example. I’m so deeply sorry for the loss that you have experienced. I can not even begin to imagine how you must feel. I wish I could say or do something to help ease your pain. I love you!
Oh my goodness. I don’t know you and yet I’m sitting here crying like I’ve known you my entire life.
i don’t know if this is something you would be interested in, but please at least check it out, because some of the things you said struck a chord. i belong to a webcommunity and a mother recently lost her baby just before he was to be born. she started this charitable organization called ForeverWarm.org. it gives blankets to women who have recently lost their precious babies so they will never be cold.
Somehow came across your blog this evening. Your post is beautiful. You brought me to tears.
Every time I think of you, you make me smile. Then I read something like this through tears and I smile some more. I’m truly glad we are friends, because you, dear friend, are a beautiful person. xo
[...] then, when I see “(passed away) in infancy” I think of Matthew, of Bug, of Jackson, of [...]
just browsing around your blog, and stumbled upon this…i just wanted to say that it’s beautiful, and thank you for sharing it with us.
This post brought tears to my eyes, both for your loss, and for your compassion for a total stranger. As a Utah transplant who has lost several friends and family members over the past 4 years, it pains me sometimes that I can’t visit their graves because I live so far away. I know that they’re not “there”, and I don’t know that I’d get much comfort from visiting, but it also hurts to think of them alone. This gives me hope that they’re not. Thank you!
What a wonderful and compassionate mother and woman you must be. Thank you for “looking after” Matthews neighbor, and I am certain, his friend.
Although I have no information on “her”, I have some insight. My father, a prominent public official and nationally known geneologist, passed away two years ago, at the age of 61. His resting place still has the small metal grave marker pounded into the ground. His name and information are quickly fading, and giving way to mold. For reasons unknown, his second wife has yet to place a proper headstone. Decorations are few and far between; my brother is the only one left in the area. My sisters and I live in other states, and my mother and other brother live some distance away. One would think that he was abandoned. I assure you he is not.
As you visit Matthews resting place, petition his neighbor to continue to look after him. And I thank you for your looking after “her”.