I visited my son’s grave today.
There was no special reason. No holiday or anniversary. No family or friends that live far away who wanted to pay their respects. I was just driving and saw the snow on the ground and wanted to check on my son, clean up his grave, and remove the decorations that I put up for Autumn.
Matthew is buried in a beautiful spot. We put him next to family, a cousin of Jonathan’s that was killed in a car crash with his grandmother when she was only 19. It makes me feel better that his cousin is close by. I will be buried near him, but not next to him because that space was occupied, which makes me very sad.
It used to make me angry.
The grave right next to my son is occupied by what they call a “Pauper grave”. Meaning, that the plot was donated and the family doesn’t have the resources for a headstone. There is a metal marker that has an index card with typing on it. The womans name has been obliterated. All I know is that death occurred in July of 1998 and that she was only 41 at the time of passing.
In the four years since my Little Bug has passed, my feelings about “Her” have changed. It’s still hard to know that this stranger gets a place that I yearn to have, but instead of being angry, I began to be curious about this neighbor of my son. Who was she? What was she like? Did she have any family?
It’s hard not to think about “Her” when I visit the cemetery. She makes her presence known. That marker is quite close to Bug’s headstone and has very sharp corners. I don’t think that there has been a gathering there where someone’s pants, legs or coat don’t get ripped on the edges of that sharp, cold metal.
I also notice her because she has never, ever had one flower or sign of visitation in all the years I’ve been going to see my boy. It made me feel so bad for this woman.
For “Her”.
My family felt bad as well. So now, whenever we decorate or bring things to Bug, we put a little something on her grave, too. It’s the least I can do for someone who will lay next to my little one for all time.
It has come to give me a little comfort in a place and situation that is terrible.
Going to the cemetery to see my son is very difficult for me. I don’t go there often. I know that many people take comfort in visiting the graves of their loved ones, it brings them peace. It is not that I don’t WANT to go. I do. Because I miss my son. There are times where my desire to go and be in the same proximity of where my baby boy is is so overwhelming that I’ve gone up in the middle of the night in my pajamas, just to lay down on the grass and cry.
Still…Being there is very hard on me.
I am a highly tangible person. When Matthew died, I ran around like a crazy person buying duplicates of every toy, blanket and special outfit I could find. Because I wanted him to be buried with the things that he loved in life, but I could.not.part.with.them. I needed those things to hold, cuddle, smell and cherish.
It’s hard for me to visit the place where he is buried because it is horrible for me to picture what has become of the little body that I loved and watched over. It’s hard to be there freezing and shivering and not freak out because I can’t do anything to make him warm. I know it makes no sense. I know that he can’t feel anything, but BABIES ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE COLD.
Not MY babies.
Not on MY watch.
I am very forgiving of people who “Say the wrong thing” to me. Really, I am. I know that you just don’t know what to say. Who would? Even I get tongue tied around grief and loss like mine and have difficulty knowing the right words to utter, so how on earth could I get upset with someone who is just trying to give me comfort?
Still…There are things that hurt. That frustrate and anger. Every person who has a loss like this has a “Trigger phrase” that is intolerable to them. The worst one for me is when someone that is well meaning tells me not to worry about the physical body of my son and that he is buried.
“You need to know he isn’t THERE anymore.”
Oh, YEA?
I beg to differ.
To me, he IS there!
What I loved, bathed, snuggled, lotioned, sang to and kissed IS BURIED RIGHT THERE UNDER SIX FEET OF EARTH AND HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO HIS SWEET LITTLE BODY. And there is not one damn thing that I can do about it. Me, his mother. His protector. The person who is supposed to stop any and all bad things from touching his sweet toes is completely powerless to do or change anything about it.
I try very, very hard to not go there in my head, but some days it is just takes over and I’m sent to this special kind of hell. It’s more than I can bear.
So, going to see him at this place, this tangible reminder of the worst day of my life, is hard to do. To get through it I take comfort in whatever I can, whenever I can.
And today?
I got a little bit.
I parked my car, walked to Bug’s grave and saw that someone brought flowers to “Her”.
Someone remembered she was there.
Finally.
Even better? There was a card. Maybe I shouldn’t have read it, but after so many years and so much wondering, I had to know something about her. It was a simple statement written on the back of a Winnie the Pooh florist card:
“Mom, We love you and miss you dearly- The 4 of us are all here together for the first time at your grave since July 9, 1998. Love, Michael, Angie, Tony (Dad), Brandy”.
It made me ridiculously happy. While there is still no first or last name that I can give to “Her”, I know that she had the best name ever: MOM.
She had a family. Loved ones. People that loved her and cared about her and missed her. People that I could see, for whatever reason, were not able to watch over her final resting place and tend to her as they would like to.
I also felt grateful. Grateful that as long as I draw breath and have family, my child’s resting place will not be forgotten, but cared for and loved and watched over.
So will “Hers”.
I’ll make sure of it.
Angella says:
Oh, sweetie.
I’m literally weeping. I cannot imagine what you go through, and despite your grief you care about someone you do not know.
You are amazing.
xoxoxo
November 29th, 2007 at 2:39 pm
Aunt Amy says:
No comment…just crying with you.
November 29th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
hairyshoefairy says:
I’m totally bawling. I’m so glad her family came to visit her and now you know it’s not just some lady, but another mommy that is with Bug when your not there.
November 29th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
Rachel says:
Oh sweetie, I wish I were there to share your tears with you as you have shared so many with me. I’ve been thinking about you all day even before I read this. I have no words. I just want you to know that you are in my heart.
November 29th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
Gretchen says:
Oh. My.
I am so overwhelmed.
November 29th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
jen says:
Loralee, of course this brought tears to my eyes. And, of course the first thing that came to my head was, “but, he isnt THERE.” And then I took my admonishment for that one…
It burdens my soul that my mother wants her urn buried. So that we will have a place to go. I know right now that I will never go there. I couldn’t bear it.
It is so wonderful, though, that you have taken another soul under your wings, even though it grieves you so.
You are a terrific lady. I learn from you everyday. That is, when you aren’t talking about blow up dolls!
I’m so happy that you are here for me to read, and get to know little by little.
I think your strength is amazing.
God bless you Loralee.
November 29th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Marilyn says:
Thank you for posting this. I’ve had a lot of these very same feelings. And this made me also think that I need to make an unscheduled stop by my own baby’s grave. We don’t visit there much, since we moved across town. And, there isn’t much to visit. We never have been able to afford a proper marker ourselves and I made one myself at one time, but the cemetery removed it, as they’ve removed everything else we’ve ever brought him. It makes me sad. There are times I wish we’d had him cremated, so that I could keep the ashes with me and not have some place that has visiting hours (seriously, they do) and strict policies to visit. Anyhow.
November 29th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Bridge says:
Will you please either call or email me next time I shouldn’t read one of your posts? You know I cry at ANYTHING.
I am bawling now.
One day, on a whim, I went to the cemetary to see Rachel. I figured I could go and see Bug too.
I shouldn’t have went. It was near mothers day and Chloe had left a card.
I sat there and cried for two hours before I could even think of going home. I got up and went and saw that someone had left a pinwheel for bug.
It made me smile.
November 29th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
Sharon says:
I had to leave this for a while before I trusted myself to write anything coherent.
I wish I could put my arms around you and give you such a hug!!!!
I don’t know where my little boy is…
November 29th, 2007 at 6:55 pm
Jenn says:
“I know it makes no sense.”
It makes absolute sense…
November 29th, 2007 at 7:04 pm
grandmamarie says:
Hi Loralee. It’s hairyshoefairy’s mom again. Just want to let you know that my heart is breaking for you and also for Sharon, from a couple of comments back, whoever she may be. I’m sorry you’ve had this completely devastating thing happen. I’m sorry.
November 29th, 2007 at 7:32 pm
applesonastick says:
that was so sweet and so touching
November 29th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
Mom2four says:
I read your blog quite religiously, but rerely comment.
You make me laugh and cry.
I know there are no words to ease the pain of your loss.
However, I ache for you and want you know what an amazing person I think you are. Your sweet Matthew is lucky to have you as his Mama.
November 29th, 2007 at 8:53 pm
Mom2four says:
Proofreading would be a good thing before posting…
RARELY…not rerely.
Yum, yeah…sorry.
November 29th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
Kelly~ Mommy and the Marine says:
I have no words that can bring much comfort~ I don’t know the story of your son but I can feel the love through your writing and know that he is completely loved. (((HUGS))) to you.
I am glad that someone came for “her” and you know that the woman is a mother.
November 29th, 2007 at 9:15 pm
Sarah says:
This touched my heart deeply …
November 29th, 2007 at 9:34 pm
falwyn says:
I wonder if you have read the poem here:
http://www.literarymama.com/poetry/archives/001590.html
It touched me, though I can’t know what you’d think of it. I thought of it reading this.
September 23rd is my birthday. I’m so, so sorry that it will really never be a good (or probably even average) day for you again. Sending love.
November 29th, 2007 at 10:08 pm
Camille says:
I think that “she” probably really appreciates it…you know?
November 29th, 2007 at 11:13 pm
Lisa says:
You have been through the worst thing that I can even imagine. I’m going to go get more Kleenex now.
November 30th, 2007 at 12:43 am
Michelle at Scribbit says:
I had a hard time reading this but I did–I haven’t been to my daughter’s grave in such a long time because it IS hard. And I have had the exact same feeling, that I didn’t want her to be cold and especially in the winter it’s hard to see it so frozen and covered. It gets so buried in the snow during the winter that I can’t find it except to know that the drive has a marker that says Track 17 right at the point where she’s at and then I have to pace out 20 steps to find approximately where she is. She’s in the infant section and it’s painful to see all the markers with other short lives on them.
November 30th, 2007 at 1:20 am
Charli says:
Hali is nearly four, but late at night when I am up reading things on the internet, I am gripped with these all consuming thoughts of her no longer being here with me (it seems a little mental, I know). I start to cry and have to run in and check on her. And I know, I would no longer be sane if I lost her. I would never have your strength.
When you wrote about laying down on the grass, I mentally kicked myself through my tears- to think I had been mad that it took Hali nearly two hours of me laying by her to fall asleep tonight! I will never ever be angered when I have to spend 1-2 hours getting my 4 year old to sleep.
Thank you, Loralee, I needed that reminder.
November 30th, 2007 at 1:43 am
Vanessa says:
love to you
November 30th, 2007 at 4:17 am
The Brother says:
Ok, so I’m supposed to be the wiseguy in this joint…
But this may be the best thing you have ever written.
Pull it out again and read it again the next time the Loralee Insecurity Syndrome strikes.
Bug rules. So do you.
November 30th, 2007 at 10:32 am
Parenting Sites 411 » Blog Archive » You Need to Read - November 30 says:
[…] “‘Her’” from Loralee’s Looney Tunes. Another one from Loralee this week, but it’s because yet again she spoke to me with her post. She talks about the woman who was buried next to her son who passed away at three months old. She used to feel resentment for that woman, but now she has found peace with the situation. She also talks how difficult it is to embrace the fact that her child’s body is underground and that I can definitely relate to. […]
November 30th, 2007 at 11:14 am
Melanie says:
Hello. I’ve stopped by your site once or twice and have never commented, but I was moved to tell you this:
My, God. There are no words for what you’ve been through, yet you’ve managed to write one of the most beautiful, honest, achingly true things I’ve read in months. Your piece is a testament to a mother’s love, truly.
I am so, so sorry for the enormity of your loss.
November 30th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
kerflop says:
Oh another crying, messy, sticky comment. I wish she had a decent headstone. Beautiful story.
November 30th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
Maggie says:
You don’t know me, but I have to say thank you for such a sweet, tender, from-the-heart gift that you have written. I know your baby is aware of each visit you make, and every time you think of him. He grieves with you. And, ’she’ probably holds his hand when he sees you having a hard time. What a blessing for you to learn that she is a mom, and would understand.
It must mean so much to her that you care about her. I wish her family knew that. It might make it easier for them.
Thank you for taking the time to put these beautiful thoughts together, and for being willing to share them. I have been touched beyond anything I can express. Would that I could give you equal in return, and perhaps help you carry the pain of your loss, even just a little. Thank you
November 30th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Pink says:
i’m proud of you loralee. you’re a good mom and a good person.
November 30th, 2007 at 9:13 pm
fin « quaking aspen says:
[…] this, with Loralee’s post the other day in mind. We ourselves shall be loved for a while and forgotten. But the love will […]
November 30th, 2007 at 11:57 pm
mchristensen says:
This is beautiful writing. Writing this gorgeous reflects the character of the author.
A privilege to read.
December 1st, 2007 at 12:53 pm
little miss says:
I can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said- your thoughts that “don’t make any sense” make complete sense to me.
I too am grateful for “Her”-
December 1st, 2007 at 9:35 pm
Doug says:
Thank you for giving me some insight into all of this. My friend Christel, as you know, went through the same thing, but she never talks about it. At times she’ll make a reference to Sofia Isabel, but only in passing. I would love for her just to open up and really talk about it, but I guess she’s just not at that stage mentally.
As for “Her” - you’re a good person, LL, and this proves it.
December 3rd, 2007 at 1:30 am
moosh in indy. says:
This is me crying…see?
Tears?
December 3rd, 2007 at 2:54 pm
Isabel says:
What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this.
December 6th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
Mr Lady says:
Wow.
Wow.
Thank you for sharing this.
December 6th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
candace says:
you are brave and brilliant. you have managed to touch my soul so very deeply. you are an incredible talent and person. and mom.
thank you for letting me read this.
December 6th, 2007 at 7:50 pm
Amber says:
Loralee, this is the first time I have came to your site from Angella’s. First off it is a beautiful site. So i was nosey LOL I read some of your posts and got to this one. I also lost a son, mine was 7 yrs ago. I had never told anyone how i was so worried & upset that he would be cold in his grave. How much still to this day it makes me cry! So I completely understand where you are coming from. I may have just started reading, but I will stay. From one mom who has lost her son to another, if you ever need to talk, please feel free to email me. I am here! {{{Hugs}}}
Amber
December 11th, 2007 at 5:01 pm
Jennifer says:
This is a perfect post. Amazing.
January 3rd, 2008 at 11:48 am
Dawn says:
This is amazing. And it is honest. So honest. Definitely perfect ….
January 3rd, 2008 at 12:15 pm
Danielle says:
You are an amazing, loving person. And Mom.
just crying.
January 11th, 2008 at 9:44 am
tiff says:
This is my first time visiting you. Mr Lady sent me here.
I am crying and well, just crying. Thank you for sharing.
March 4th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
natalie says:
beautiful. and yes…there are tears.
natalies last blog post..Toothpaste misadventures.
July 9th, 2008 at 6:58 am
Nilsa says:
This is one of the most well-written, compelling, heart-wrenching posts I’ve read in a long time. A few things struck me …
1) “Her” … she’s supposed to be there. To watch over your little bug. When you can’t. Because yes, your little bug does need to stay warm. And protected. And safe. She will help you and allow you to help your father. Because, he also needs you.
2) Rejection (related to today’s post) never feels good. And yours is paramount. Not petty in the least. All I can say is you’ve put it out there. In the rawest of forms. You will be heard. Maybe not *there* but believe me, you’ve already been heard and will continue to be heard.
3) Don’t ever apologize for how you feel. Your feelings are all yours. And no one else has right to judge. They haven’t walked in your shoes. I’m glad you were able to own up to those feelings today.
My thoughts are with you today as you support your father.
Nilsas last blog post..Carrot
July 9th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Kristen says:
Hi. Nilsa sent me.
I…I couldn’t finish reading this. I am a mother and I cannot bear to think of the pain you must feel. I’m sitting here at work, fighting back the tears. I have to come back later to finish this beautiful piece of writing.
July 10th, 2008 at 7:19 am
TC says:
I came from Nilsa’s blog as well.
Your story really touched me. My little sister died when I was just three, and to a (certainly lesser) degree, I share your feelings about the person next to your son.
There was a little boy stillborn a couple of months before my little sister died, and his grave is kiddy corner and two over from hers. He had a big family and after he died, they moved away from the area. So while we tended to my sister’s grave growing up, his went empty. And it became ritual for me to visit and have a little chat with him every time I went to the cemetery. I couldn’t not, because I couldn’t bear the idea that this little boy didn’t have someone watching over him and loving him the way we were doing with her.
When I was there on her birthday, his parents were actually there. They left as soon as I pulled up, but it did my heart a little bit of good to know that they had actually come to see him.
July 10th, 2008 at 7:45 am
Cheryl says:
Nilsa sent me too. And I’m really glad she did. This is an excellent post. I feel sad whenever I see a neglected grave or an unmarked one. I’m glad that your son has a mom next to him, even if it isn’t his mom. Like Nilsa said, she’ll be there to help him.
Cheryls last blog post..Sometimes You Sulk, Sometimes You Burn, God Rest Your Soul
July 10th, 2008 at 7:59 am
Colleen Snell says:
Also sent by Nilsa. Sobbing at my desk, sending good thoughts to you and your family.
Colleen Snells last blog post.."I Have No Privacy"
July 10th, 2008 at 9:09 am
BOTB says:
You had me in tears. That was truly a beautiful post!
BOTBs last blog post..BOTB: Happy Hump Day
July 10th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Nichole M says:
Thank you so much for sharing your story and for sharing your feelings so openly. That mom is there… to help you protect Bug. I’m sure of it.
As a surgeon, I see death more than most people. For me, it usually ends when I have to deliver bad news and I have to hurry onto the next thing, with little to no time allowed for grieving of a lost life. Thank you for showing me the next step and allowing me to grieve with you.
Nichole Ms last blog post..insurance
July 10th, 2008 at 10:03 am
tori says:
I can not even imagine what you must feel. This post was amazing at giving me a little glimpse. I am sorry for your loss. I really am.
toris last blog post..What-evs
July 10th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Tipp says:
I also came from Nilsa and quite honestly I have no idea what to say.
All I do know is that that was simply beautiful. I am not a Mom so I cannot even imagine to begin how you feel, but what I do know is that the longing I feel to be a mother, which seems quite strong right now, is nothing compared to the longing you feel to being a mother to your baby boy again.
My heart broke over and over for you as I read this. You are amazing. I have no idea the amount of strength that you have. Amazing.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your son, I am also so very sorry that I can’t write the words that I want to properly and adequately convey that to you.
You are in my prayers.
Tipps last blog post..Redeeming Love
July 10th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
ALH says:
Wow — I got here from Nilsa’s blog as well, and this was powerful. Thank you for sharing. I’m overwhelmed and can’t think of what I could say that others haven’t already. Namaste.
ALHs last blog post..too much talking
July 10th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
goteeman says:
so many things I do not understand… why so many are born without any problems, while my wife and I have 3 losses before our first was born… why so many grow up, and some, like Bug, die so young… why so many live in health, while my wife is so ill… why some live their lives with little suffering, while others suffer intensely… it does not seem fair nor just.
I am so very sorry for the loss and pain you bear. no words can change that. I can hear in your words so much grief and yet compassion for those who awkwardly attempt to “help” yet whose words are painful to your ears.
I pray that Daddy God will evelope you in His strong arms, hold you close to His beating heart, and love and comfort you tenderly through this time. I agree that babies should not be cold, and my belief is that while your child’s body may be cold, his spirit and everlasting presence is not, but rather is warmed in the presence of our creator, and basking also in the warmth of his mother’s love that you have so abundantly extended to him.
Blessing, love and light to you and your family… you are an amazing person.
J/
July 11th, 2008 at 7:20 am
Deb (Missives From Suburbia) says:
I just found your blog, and in my introduction to you, you have left me utterly overwhelmed and in tears.
Thank you for sharing that.
July 11th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Dawn says:
Before I read this I was thinking “this child is driving me crazy today” Thank you so much for reminding me that everyone we love is only on loan to us for a while. We need to laugh and cherish every second we have to love our children and family as they could be gone at any second…. how could I forget such a simple truth of life?
Our family has lost a child also ( Niece to us) There is no harder loss. my heart goes out to you (and my tears).
Dawn
July 11th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Tiffany says:
Just happened on this post via Stumbleupon. Cried and cried…just another reason to hug my babies…life is fleeting.
July 11th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Henry Van Gog says:
You are an awesome person.
July 11th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Tammy says:
I too happened here via Stumbleupon. I finally stopped crying enough to see the screen again. You have humbled me today I have two children who often have me at wits end; you have reminded me how precious every moment with them truly is and how fleeting a life can be. I am glad your little bug has another mama to look after him for now even though she can never replace you and your love. You are a brilliant and passionate writer and I thank you for sharing your pain and wisdom to enlighten others.
July 11th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Sharon says:
Thank you for this post about your precious son. I was just expressing some frustration at my son for not helping out with some last minute chores before we go on a trip.
Now I’m reminded of just how much I love him and my daughter and I need to tell them now.
Your son, your words and your love are doing a world of good.
Sharons last blog post..Getting Ready to Send a Teen to College
July 11th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
Cherie says:
I came upon this post via Stumbleupon and I’m just overwhelmed with emotion. I’ve never gone through a loss like this, but I’m a new mom with a 17 month old son and posts like this have a whole new meaning to me now. This is beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing.
Cheries last blog post..I’m a Dog Person
July 11th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Rob says:
My God, I can’t imagine how you made it through your loss. I have a beautiful granddaughter and a son that live with me and it would kill me if anything happened the either of them. Your strength is an inspiration. No parent should ever have to go through this.
We are supposed to go first.
July 12th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Kathleen says:
I stumbled on this blog and all I can say is awesomely done. God bless you and your family
July 12th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Jenn says:
I Stumbled Upon This! Being A Soon To Be Mom I Thought I Was Really Emotional But Now I See That I Am Very Overly Emotional! I Am Sitting Here Bawling Like A Baby! I Am About To have A Baby In November And I Cant Imagine What I Would Do With Out Her! It Took Us Almost A Year To Conceive And We Almost Gave Up!
I Lost My Mom When I Was 7 Years Old! It Was Really Hard Even Though I Didnt Really Know What Was Going On! Now At The Age Of 23 I Still Find It Hard To Go See Her At Her Grave! It Just Tears Me Apart! So I Dont Know What I Would Do If That Was My Husband Or My Child! God Bless You!!!!
You Are An AWESOME Writer! I Am Crying My Eyes Out Still Good Thing I Know Where The Keys Are! I Am Praying For You And Your Family!
And As For Her You Are An Awesome Woman! Im Sure She Is Taking Care Of Your Bug!
July 12th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Shellie says:
Thanks for posting this. My brother died when he was 6, and what you wrote helps me understand my own mother a little better. I have a little boy, and I cannot even fathom what you are going through. You are so strong.
July 13th, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Shaunalynn says:
I see by the comments that I am not the only person to stumble on your page. This was very touching for me to read. I have no idea how difficult it must be for you to go through your life without your little boy and selfishly hope that I never learn that lesson.
It is good that you are finding comfort in the care of “Her.” Should you wish to know her name, you could check with the people in charge of maintaining the cemetary and they should be able to locate the records for you. Perhaps letting her family know that you care for her when they can not would help you both in some way.
Thank you for blessing me with your story.
July 14th, 2008 at 12:35 am
seven says:
I’m so sorry that you lost your son… I can’t imagine how hard that was.
sevens last blog post..The Poster List.
July 14th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
dave says:
Yeah, Bug is there, BUT he’ll eventually become a part of wonderful new life that will feel the warmth of the sun on their leaves, wings … This will either horrify you or provide a little comfort. I hope it’s the latter.
July 15th, 2008 at 7:13 am
Ginny says:
I’m so sorry for you lose. I cry for you as a mom myself all i can do is cry I’m so sorry keep your head up he knows you are there with him
July 15th, 2008 at 7:37 am
Bec says:
My heart hurts for you and your family. I’m so sorry for your loss.
It does make sense. It makes perfect sense.
July 15th, 2008 at 7:54 am
'Lissa says:
I’m so sorry for your loss. I cried so hard reading your post. I’m glad there are still good people in the world that realize the value of a human life. It’s very kind of you to look after “Her.”
‘Lissas last blog post..Dr. Phil, Here We Come!
July 15th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Maria says:
Oh this was devastating and beautiful. I’m crying my head off for you and for Her. Thank you for sharing this, and I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss.
Marias last blog post..I like fireworks.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Cricky says:
August 2 of this year would/will be my son Nicholas’ 6th birthday. Each time I go visit his grave I feel very similar. Luckily he is in our family area and arrangements were made for my place next to him, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I too have horrible thoughts of what has happened to the little body I loved to hold however I try each time those thoughts creep up to change my own track….it’s almost impossible though.
Thank you for putting my thoughts into words. God Bless you and God Bless your Bug.
Crickys last blog post..J + B = <3
July 15th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
links for 2008-07-16 : A Girl And Her Blog says:
[…] loraleeslooneytunes.com » “Her” […]
July 15th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
TLC@SendChocolate says:
I am sure you don’t need another comment on this post, but I feel compelled to comment anyway. This is the single, best piece of writing I have seen on the Internet. It is amazing, raw, and heartfelt. I am weeping as I type this.
It reminds me of my favorite writer, Jenn Mattern at http://www.breedemandweep.com
Beautiful and poignant. Thank you for writing it.
T.
TLC@SendChocolates last blog post..The One Where I Have a Meltdown
July 16th, 2008 at 4:24 am
YaYa says:
My grandson “Scott Nick” was born on August 2, 2002 and passed away December 6, 2002 of “SIDS”. Cricky was a wonderful mother to him.
Your writing is so very true. I have trouble going to see Nick. He taught us many valuable lessons.
He has a mother angel watching him.
May god bless you and all of us that have our broken hearts.
July 16th, 2008 at 8:25 am
The Big Bean « The Bean says:
[…] Her, by Loralee […]
July 16th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Rachael says:
What an amazing, amazing piece of writing. And what an amazing woman you are to care so much for someone you didn’t know. I don’t know you, but I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine.
Rachaels last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Flowers, flowers, flowers!
July 16th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Marlene Caribou says:
So finally someone has come to old Agatha’s grave and left a note? Ha! That note was paid for by the John Birch Society conspiracy to deny that 9/11 was caused by the fluoridation of our drinking water.
July 17th, 2008 at 7:35 am
Sarah Rydgren says:
I’m crying so hard right now. I really needed this.
It’s beautiful and I can’t imagine what you have gone through.
July 17th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
cathy says:
Hi,
I came across this post on BlogNosh. What a courageous post! My heartfelt condolences to you on the loss of your son - I can’t imagine a more terrible thing
Will be back to visit your blog.
cathys last blog post..
July 17th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Ginny says:
I know i don’t know you and all you are going throw but I hop this well help you and make you smile I writ this for my bast friend when she lost her son
A child A child is now at rest for a safer place he Well be. A world of goodness and a world With out worry or pane. No fare well be, In a better place he’ll be a place Where the sick is healed and where blinded eyes Can see, our world has forever changed. Our lives are not the same but close with in our hearts his face remains. We give to him our tears and are prayers. We cherries all the memories felled with happiness and Love he’ll have someone to depend on.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:35 am
Deb@BirdOnAWire says:
I can hardly breathe. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your heart and your soul
July 18th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
h2ofalls72 says:
I stumbled across this yesterday and just finished reading it to my wife. Your compassion is amazing. This is amazing. I like the comment above saying that while you are not there, another MOM is keeping your son company.
h2ofalls72s last blog post..The Photographer’s Eye Pt. 1
July 18th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
PreSchool Mama says:
I just Stumbled here, and I am moved beyond words. So terribly sorry for your loss.
PreSchool Mamas last blog post..A Space of My Own: 8 Instant Tent Ideas for PreSchoolers
July 19th, 2008 at 12:31 am
Mini says:
Just crying with you…..
God bless you…
July 19th, 2008 at 1:44 am
Mary says:
Oh my! Wow! Im at a loss of words. Only bawling and feeling your pain. I have a little boy and it would literally kill me to loose him. Literally! My heart goes out to you. I can so feel your pain. You are strong even though you feel you are weak. God Bless you. Maybe you don’t want to hear those words because its so hard to believe on something/someone that would allow your little Bug to cease to exist. I can’t explain why. And I would be in the same boat if that were to happen to me. Funny, how just in the last week or so I have been soaking up every little bit of my son. His silliness, his laughter, his kisses and hugs. Almost like if something were to happen to him, I’d never want to look back and wish I would have taken such a closer look.
Thank you for your blog. I do hope that Bug comes to comfort you in the small things to let you know that he is still around you and that he hasn’t forgotten you. A big hug for you, my friend.
July 19th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
vitabalance says:
I lost my oldest friend a week ago today. We’re just 23 years old. I came accross this on stumble, and it has brought me great comfort. I was amazed to see that you lost your little bug on my birthday. I will never go another year without thinking of him on that day, and the comfort your words have brought me after my loss. Thank you.
July 21st, 2008 at 4:27 pm
mommypie says:
I just read this post, and like everyone else, am wiping tears from my eyes.
While I can’t imagine the horror of losing a child, I do understand loss and feelings of unbearable pain. My daughter’s father, love of my life, died two years ago when she was just two years old. I’ve spent moments lying atop his grave, sobbing hysterically. And just like you, have to work to keep my mind from envisioning his body now.
I know there’s never any right thing to say, except I’m so so sorry. You’re a tremendous person for putting this out there — thank you, thank you. I’m glad I found you.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Kim says:
Wow.
Tears.
Incredible.
Thank You.
Kims last blog post..8 Mile
July 26th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
willie says:
L, I hadn’t seen this before, and I am so touched. The thing I value most in people is authenticity, and yours pours through in this piece. You must be a fantastic mom. A flawed, full, feeling, fabulous mom. And life is indeed unfair, horrible, cruel and mysterious. And it’s glorious and exciting and delicious too. It does not make sense, yet we spend our lives trying to make sense of it, as you are here. In such a wonderful, real way. Thank you for sharing who you are.
Love and blessings to you.
willies last blog post..golden gate
July 27th, 2008 at 8:13 am
Don Mills DIva says:
This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read, truly.
Don Mills DIvas last blog post..Worth staying awake for
July 30th, 2008 at 9:11 am
jeangeans says:
We lost our child 26 yrs ago she is in a different state than us ,so we don’t get to visit often.Even after all this time I miss the person she could have been.But i believe she is with others who love her just as much as I do. Your story is beautiful as is your soul.
May God Bless and take care of you .
July 30th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Marisa says:
I don’t really know what to say except that this has moved me to tears. I have two babies of my own, and I just can’t even think about not being able to protect their little toes. Thank you so much for sharing this. It must have been very very hard for you!
Marisa
Marisas last blog post..Illustration Friday: Canned
July 30th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
michellew says:
That post is just beautiful. I feel so much sadness in my heart for you, and for “her”.
I will keep you both in my thoughts and hope that offers some confort when times get rough.
August 1st, 2008 at 7:27 pm
magpie says:
that is a lovely post, and i’m glad you have it highlighted on your sidebar.
magpies last blog post..A Little Verklempt
August 2nd, 2008 at 7:09 pm
links for 2008-08-03 [delicious.com] « ? Shut Up, Sit Down ? says:
[…] "Her" (tags: parenting) […]
August 3rd, 2008 at 1:00 am
Angela says:
We are the same age, my first child was born 5-03, I am LDS.
I just wept reading this post.
I know what you’ve been taught, I know what you believe(ed). I’ve only lost one person close to me, and I find so much comfort in knowing she’s happy and “in a better place. That being said…
I can’t imagine standing at my child’s grave and not be able to “keep him warm.” A mother’s arms should never be empty, a mother should always be able to comfort and protect.
I am so sorry you’ve had to face this.
August 4th, 2008 at 12:45 am
Peapodsquadmom says:
I just stumbled upon this post and am sitting here in a puddle of tears. My husband and I went through years of infertility hell and suffered 3 miscarriages. Knowing how hard that was…I simply cannot imagine the grief you must have experienced losing a child you actually held in your arms. I am so sorry for your loss. And I am deeply touched by the beautiful empathy you show for this woman you do not even know. You’re obviously a wonderful, wonderful person.
Peapodsquadmoms last blog post..A bit of interesting trivia for you…about moi.
August 4th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Paticus says:
Wow.
Thanks for writing this.
Paticuss last blog post..Sometimes, Wargames Feels Like A Documentary…
August 6th, 2008 at 8:48 am
John says:
Loralee,
Hello. I found you from Britt’s post today.
I am so sorry for your loss and I can’t imagine the pain you’ve endured from it. The sentiments you expressed here are beautiful and amazing.
Bless you.
Johns last blog post..BLT and CSN
August 6th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Summer says:
I came here from Brit’s to read your best post and am leaving in tears. While I’ve not lost a child I can understand from a mom’s prespective the depths of your emotion. What a kind soul to take care of the stranger beside your son and who knows maybe she looks after him for you in heaven.
Summers last blog post..Number One has left the nest
August 6th, 2008 at 11:38 am
Robina says:
Oh my. I’m here via Miss Britt. I realize there are no words anyone can ever to make you feel better. I KNOW THAT. But I feel the need to tell you how extremely sorry I am, and how wonderful it is you care for “Her”.
My best friend and I had our babies close together. At 15 months of age, her baby died. The couldn’t afford a stone either. But I had written a poem about Emily, laminated it, and I replace it every so often. The mother can’t bring herself to visit the grave. So I admire you for your strength.
Robinas last blog post..License to Drive
August 6th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
hello haha narf says:
loralee,
there is no comment that i can possible muster that will properly convey what a spectacular post this was. as most everyone here, i find it difficult to write through the tears, yet feel compelled to tell you that at the very same time my heart was breaking for your loss, my heart was also being warmed by the fact that a mom is next to your young bug. makes me feel that god really does have a hand in everything.
again, i hate that you have suffered such a loss. there is no way i could even imagine what you went through, what you continue to go through. i am, however, so very thankful that you are there for her.
becky
hello haha narfs last blog post..Two Words
August 6th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Cassandra Rae says:
This is my first visit to your blog - I found you through Miss Britt. This is a beautiful tribute to your son, to Her, to your grief, and to you. Thank you for putting it out there for all of us to feel right along side of you.
*HUGS*
Cassandra Raes last blog post..Feel Like Giving Up?
August 7th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
The Big Bean says:
[…] Her, by Loralee […]
August 7th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
Winter says:
I work at a cemetery and I thought it was odd that they had left the grave marker there. We use them in a different way than that cemetery does.
I’ve seen the steps of grief listed many times in my 9 years at the cemetery. Whenever I see them, I wonder if people take those steps literally and feel bad when they haven’t followed them exactly. I think that people use those steps as a crutch when they try to find something to say to someone who has lost a loved one. The truth of the matter is, there is nothing any of us can say.
When my parents died 6 months apart not long after I turned 25, nothing anyone said about that event made any sense to me for many many years. My grief was my own, just as yours is your own. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about how you grieve. It only matters how you deal with it yourself. If you need to lie on the grass of your son’s grave, then you should, and no one has any right to sit in judgment on you for those actions, especially if they bring you comfort.
I write as part of an online serial story and my character Carlisle lost a son at age 10, something that is part of her backstory. When something hurts her as much as the loss of her son does, I had her hop on a plane and head for his grave. She lies there on the frozen ground, on his grave, and sobs.
Reading your words reminded me of writing that part of the story. It was a hard night for me and when I finished, I had go look in on my teenager, who was lying on her bed on the phone. She looked up at me and asked what was wrong. I told her there was nothing wrong, I just loved her. She could have rolled her eyes and done the typical teenager thing but she didn’t. She said, I love you too Mom.
I wish you peace. Thank you for sharing this post.
Winters last blog post..Is Annoyed a Color?
August 7th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Feather Nester says:
Awww, man, just found this through your link on the left sidebar of your site. Am crying with you. I’m so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug, though I don’t know you and doubt it would help. I’m not a religious person, but I’ll send up a little prayer for you and your little one. Peace and love to you both.
August 8th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
A Mommy says:
My daughter has a grave that is just like “her” grave. We still don’t have the money to get a nice stone 3 years later. The space beside hers is also another sweet baby girl with a beautiful stone. It’s so hard to go there and see it.
August 9th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Maria says:
Loralee,
I just came to your blog through fivestarfriday. Your Matthew is the 2nd little Matthew I have “known” to die from SIDS. It really sucks that there are any Matthews or any other precious children to have their lives snatched away, their unrealized futures left to wondering about.
I really enjoy your writing and am looking forward to reading more here.
Peace to you.
August 9th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
antiprincess says:
oh my god I am so so sorry.
my mom lost a baby - they called it “Crib Death” back then.
I am off the edge of words here.
I am just so sorry.
August 12th, 2008 at 5:39 am
Sissy says:
I just wanted to say hello to you after reading this post. I wish I didn’t but I know a little about losing a child. Our daughter, Anna, was stillborn in 2006. We don’t have a grave to visit because I knew immediately that I wouldn’t be able to face what you do each time you go. I also don’t get to blog about her - not on my “regular” blog anyway, I’ve got a “secret” blog, isn’t that sick? anyway, I love how you write and I think I’ll be a devoted reader. Take care.
Sissys last blog post..Demise of The Tattoo
August 12th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Annie says:
Just clicked through to this from your sidebar. I am so, so sorry that you have had such a devastating loss - I’m sorry that you have to endure the pain that every mother fears.
I thank you also, as I sit here trying to hide from my 3 year old the sobs, for reminding me how precious each of our lives are, and how we know not what the next instant brings.
Off to cuddle with my babies for the rest of the day- and remembering you, and your sweet Matthew.
Annies last blog post..I can be a Good Mother Without Reality TV
August 21st, 2008 at 10:19 am
Allison says:
Loralee,
I am SOOOO sorry for you loss. I’m glad there is a mom lying next to your dear Matthew for those times your can’t be there, and glad you are there to watch over her grave, too.
You are in my thoughts today.
Allisons last blog post..Update on Twit2Art
August 21st, 2008 at 11:32 am
Chris Wood says:
My eyes are wet. That is very beautiful, thank you. Bless you.
Chris Woods last blog post..Weightlifting With Old Me’s Ego
August 21st, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Susan says:
Thank you so much for sharing your story, you write so beautifully. I can’t wait to read your other posts.
August 21st, 2008 at 3:30 pm
hi-d says:
crying. just crying for your and her.
hi-ds last blog post..Your What Hurts?
August 27th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Sugee says:
Wow. I feel for you. I connect with your grief. For a moment in time, we connect. Your son is so loved and he knows it!
And that is pretty amazing that all 4 of “Her” kids came to gather. That is wonderful. This post made my heart swell with grief, relief.. well you know the drill. Take care
Sugees last blog post..A Day in L.A.
September 10th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Laura Lee says:
I came across you through Hola Isabel… I lost my dad back in the summer, so I too have been going through the greiving process. I go to his graveside several times a week, and I can completely understand how you feel about “her”.
Best wishes to you.
Laura Lee Gregg
Coila, MS
October 20th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Joy Gross says:
That is truly amazing! Bless you.
October 21st, 2008 at 4:27 am
Robin @ Party of Five says:
Loralee, I don’t know why I haven’t read this sooner. What a beautiful post. You are beautiful inside and out.
I SO understand what you’re going through. The trigger words, the images in my head, how it is so hard for me to visit her.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
Blessings,
Robin
October 25th, 2008 at 10:43 pm