Bullying

I need to talk today, people. I need to talk to keep myself from marching over to the school and unleashing my inner “Mamma Bear” behemoth wrath on a prepubescent snot who is bullying my son.

The situation with James is not getting better. Oh, it is improved in the classroom because the teachers are doing their best to keep an eye out, but in lunch, and gym and the halls, the shoving and taunting James is receiving is escalating. So, I am taking it up a level and I involved school administration today. We’ll see how it goes.

I don’t want to go into the details of James situation because I want to respect as much of his privacy as possible. However, bullying, teasing and ruthlessness in kids is something I feel very strongly about. I thought I would discuss bullying from my point-of-view. Get some of the rage out of my system if you will.

Did you know that there are four main “Types” of bullies? I didn’t.

Physical Bullies
Physical bullies are action oriented. This type of behavior includes hitting, kicking, taking, and damaging either the victim or the victim’s personal property. As the bullies get older their attacks usually become more aggressive and violent.

Verbal Bullies
Verbal bullies use words. This can include name-calling,insulting, constant teasing, and making racist or unwanted, nasty comments. This type of bullying is the easiest to inflict on other people and can be the most hurtful because there are no visible scars.

Relational Bullies
These bullies try to convince other people to exclude or reject a certain person or group and cut the victims off from their social group. This type of bullying occurs when kids (most often girls) exclude people from their social groups. The effect of this bullying is the most harsh due to the rejection of a person or group.

Reactive Victims
Reactive victims can be both a bully and/or a victim. They are seen as targets for other bullies. They often taunt bullies, though, and can be bullies themselves. Most of their encounters are physical, they are impulsive, and react quickly to intentional or unintentional encounters. In most cases, reactive victims start as victims and become bullies as they try to retaliate. They also like to provoke other bullies into action.

The only one of these that I never experienced long term (Or at all) is the Reactive Victim. I never bullied anyone. I did pick on my twin sister quite a bit, so I have nothing to get on a high horse about. The rest of them I am very familiar with.

My first experience with being picked on was in preschool/daycare. Can you believe that? PRESCHOOL. I remember it like it was yesterday. Her name was Robyn and she had red hair. She was the daughter of one of the owners of the school so she never, ever got in any trouble for anything that she did to me. I have to think that her mom didn’t really understand the level of what I was going through. Bullies are very clever to do their business out of the eye of adults.

She made me give her my daily snack, she threw cars and legos at my head, pulled my hair, peed on my naptime blanket and the worst of all? She told all the other kids that if they were friends with me they wouldn’t be her friend any more. Because her mom was a teacher she had access to the candy closet and doled out snacks and treats liberally to her friends. One day she gave Kylie C. an extra piece of bubble gum because she stole the red crayon away from me and gave it to her.

Her plan worked. I had no friends. I don’t blame the other kids. She was quite a dynamic creature and hey? It was free candy! At 4 years old, there wasn’t even a contest.

Between Robyn and a teacher who was fond of ripping through my hair with a fine-tooth comb after nap time, I hated going to day care. So much, that I often hid my mom’s keys so that she wouldn’t have a way to get me there. My most joyful memories of Young World were the times that I escaped from there. Once, my older brother Rhett came in to pick me up right after nap time. I was so happy to see him because I knew that meant that “Miss S” wouldn’t make fun of me in front of everyone because I didn’t know which shoe went on which foot and she wouldn’t comb my hair! Plus, I didn’t have to have class with Robyn any more that day! YAY!

Keep in mind all of this was IN PRESCHOOL.

It boggles my mind.

Elementary school was a really lonely time. It didn’t help that I skipped third grade and ended up in a grade where I didn’t know anyone. I got my share of teasing, but I did have a couple of really good friends, though, so it was ok. Lonely sometimes, but ok.

It all got pretty bad around the 6th grade. My best friend, Susie moved away the year before and I was really alone. I also think that part of it was that I had a sister who had a lot of issues. We know now that she has a lot of problems with her brain that caused some very erratic and very embarrassing behavior in elementary school. I was also roughly the size I am now when I was 12. Not a good combination for popularity, huh? Every single day of my school career was a misery to me. Even later on, when I managed to find a couple of good friends and found a niche of my own in choir and drama in high school, it still sucked pretty hard.

I realize that everyone has periods of that growing up, but mine was ongoing. Most days I was mocked, laughed at, put down or criticized constantly about my clothes, my hair, my weight, my sister, my shoe size, you name it. I was even told that my Trapper Keeper was “The icky kind”.

Once, in the sixth grade, I invited a girl to have a slumber party at my house. Her name was Tiffany G. and I had been in school with her sister Radonna before I skipped. She was pretty, popular and nice. I mean, she was really nice. Know why? Because she actually came to my sleepover. Apparently, she turned down an invitation to a “Popular” boy/girl party to come. I found out because our doorbell rang at 9:45 pm and a whole gaggle of preppy, polo-shirted snobs came pouring into my parent’s entryway, led by the head “It”girl, Sharina Hadley. (Yup. Full name usage. Frankly, I don’t give a damn if Google pulls it up, people. She sucked.)

At first, I was surprised and happy. More people came to my party! Yay! Tiffany kept her eyes downcast while Sharina checked her frosted bangs in my parents oval walnut-framed mirror and interrogated Tiffany on whether or not she was having a good time. As she kept talking and looking scornfully at my house, me, my sister and Tiffany, I began to “Get it”. She did not come out of friendship or good will. She and her friends looked up my parents address and went to considerable lengths to make a mockery of me, my parents house, and Tiffany for daring to hang out with me. Once her message was made clear, she turned, checked her Swatch, and left.

Tiffany was crushed. She never hung out with me again.

Not that I blame her. I felt really bad for her that night, and I still do to this day.

While the behavior of Sharina and her ilk is horrible, it happens. Maybe if it had been an isolated event or two in my life it would be different, I wouldn’t have called it “Bullying” but things like this? They happened all the time. Every single day of my life. That kind of assault? It’s bullying. And it is damaging like you can’t believe.

I never told my parents about it. I really never told them about anything. They had a lot going on themselves, and I was a kid who kept to myself a lot of the time. I was pretty embarrassed that someone thought that of me and didn’t want them to know. It was too humiliating.

I should have. If I had been able to talk to them about Sharina or her dozen clones, they might have helped talk me through things or worked with me. If I had talked to them or another adult I may have been more prepared for what I was going to face in Jr. High. Although, I don’t know if anyone is prepared for THAT.

I’m going to KILL you, bitch!”

Hearing those words almost every day for 6 months as a 7th-grader isn’t fun. When it’s coming out of the mouth of a hell-raising 9th grader that looked like a heavy, female version of Ozzy Osbourn and Alice Cooper’s love child it gets even scarier.

We’ll call her, “Janice”. I’m not giving her a pseudonym for her protection. Nah. I’m calling her that because if I could remember her name I would have no problem shouting it from the rooftops. Besides, it would be fun to Google her name and see what offender list she landed on.

I have no idea what I did to attract the attention of this girl. I have no idea why she decided to make my life a living hell, but she did. One day in the cafeteria, Miss Future Inmate came up to the condiments table where I was squeezing ketchup onto my questionable looking hamburger, slammed her tray into mine, laughed as it skidded on to the floor and said, “I. am. going. to. f*cking. kill. you.”

I had no reason to doubt her. The girl smoked Marlboro Reds at 14-years-old for Pete’s sake! She was very big and very menacing and had a very bad, pitch-black dye job and self-done pseudo-tattoo that said “Hell’s bitch” on her forearm. I really wish I was exaggerating or kidding here, but I’m not.

You always wonder what kind of person you will be when confronted with fear. Are you a fight or flight type? I think it will come as no shock that I am a “Flight” type of girl. After that day, my life became about survival in the hallways. I went out of my way to not attract her attention. If I saw her and could escape, I would. It didn’t always work and if there were no teachers around, I got shoved into lockers, cussed at and shaken down for my lunch money. I stopped eating lunch and developed the VERY bad habit of having 2 ice cream sandwiches and a Cherry Coke for lunch instead. I put on 40 lbs my 7th grade year. It was the beginning my my significant weight problem.

I never told a single person what was happening to me.

No one noticed. She always hit me when I was alone, which was pretty often back then. She scared the living shit out of me.

She was a bully.

Luckily, school ended and I never saw her again. I wish I could say that the rest of the teasing went away in jr. high, but it didn’t. Do you know the multitude of ways you can twist the name Loralee to be insulting? My personal favorite was “LardAssLee”. Yup. It was my misfortune that “Stand by Me” came out during that time and I got the “Lard Ass” “BoombababoombabaBOOM” sound from about a dozen different people whenever I would walk down the hallway. That sort of thing still went on day after day.

High school was a bit tamer, there was still name calling but mainly? It was just isolation, snubbing, etc. I had learned by then to just keep my head down. By that time I found singing, drama and a few true friends (Ironically, my best friend in elementary school moved back and was again my best bud. She saved me.) so between all that the teasing was easier to take. It still didn’t stop someone from changing my plus-sized choir dress with the smallest girl in choir at my senior concert because I had a solo. It must have been really grand for them to see my dress made up of yards and yards of material drowning this petite girl while everyone went on and on about how “HUGE” the owner of the dress must be and my burning face when I had to get it back.

Still…It could have been worse. All the years and years of it really took their toll on me though. I have effects from it to this day. I wish I had handled it differently and talked to someone earlier than I did.

So what are we supposed to do as parents to combat all of this? The advice for parents on both side of the bullying issue (Victim or bully) is to communicate, communicate, communicate. Even though I am completely upset about the situation, I am hoping that the kid who is bullying James can get some help working through whatever is going on with him.

I am putting down some points from various articles that I have been reading.

If your child is being a bully

• If you have a child that is bullying others you have to ask them why and really listen. You need to get all the facts. Do not assume your child is innocent just because they are good kids for you. On the other hand, don’t immediately assume they have done something horrible (Admittedly, I fear this would be my first reaction.) In other words: Don’t jump to any conclusions either way until you get all the facts. BE OPEN TO GETTING TO THE TRUTH.
• Try to relate to them, share experiences of either being a bully or a victim of bullying and your views on what it did to you.
• It may be possible that your child resulted to picking others because they were the target of a bully and trying to deflect attention away from themselves. It could be that there are big problems with low self esteem. If they say that the picked on child was “Bothering” them or they just “Don’t like them”, that is a surface answer that needs to go deeper.
• Suck it up and analyze your behavior and the atmosphere of your home. How is conflict handled at home? Is it common in your household to act out aggressively and its something your kids are picking up? What are your kids exposed to through the media? I’m not saying to torture yourself to death, but you need to ask the questions. I do it all the time when there are problems with the kids and while I may not be perfect, I try to fix it.
• Also, it may not be you. Kids that bully can come from good homes and caring parents that are horrified by their child’s behavior. Everyone I have met and talked with about James sings the praises of his bully’s parents. I don’t doubt it, but the behavior is coming from somewhere. Hopefully, they will be able to get to the bottom of it.
• Talk to their teachers, get to know their classmates, meet with the principal. Try to nurture other hobbies and activites that will give them a more secure sense of self.
• Your child needs to apologize and own up to their behavior and that will be easier with your support. You need to be your child’s ally. You are above all things, their parent and it is up to you to be on their side in this and help them work through this. THAT DOES NOT MEAN CONDONING THE BULLYING. You need to make sure that a child who is bullying has an appropriate consequence. Don’t be afraid of appropriate punishment. What it means being their best ally in solving the root of the problem.

If your child is the one being bullied. (I’ve read a lot of different things about this and this article is one I like in particular)

• Take it seriously. Bullying is hard to talk about. Chances are high if your kid is vocalizing it, it is a bigger deal than it may sound.
• It may be difficult for them to talk about. Look at me. I never told my parents. I did talk to a religous instructor in the 9th grade and it really helped.
• If you notice a change in your child’s behavior, investigate. Talk to teachers, volunteer in their classes. If your child is having a hard time communicating with you, ask them to please talk to some adult they trust about what is going on with them.
• Never suggest that this is your child’s “Fault”. You SHOULD look at things that you can help your child with as far as habits and behavior that might annoy and attract a bully situation. I know that this is something we have been working on.
• Never suggest physical retaliative bullying. It’s tempting, but a very bad idea. However, In MY opinion? They have EVERY RIGHT to defend themselves. Someone comes at them swinging? They have every right to defend themselves.
• Talk to the administration and teachers.
• Monitor the situation.
• Don’t confront the bullies parents. It’s not a good idea. The school needs to handle that.
• Relate to your child. Sometimes its hard to see heroic mom and dad as ever having a bully pick on them. My son couldn’t imagine me without friends and was totally surprised that I had been picked on. It made him feel better and see that there is life after the cesspool of jr. high.

This helped to write. I feel a lot better. It may help you understand why I am so upset about what is going on with James. When I found out that he has been picked on since the 1st grade and how bad he feels about it, it made me heartsick. I am just glad that he is TALKING to me about it. That I can help him. I realize that not every kid goes through what I did and I am so glad about that. I think that writing my experiences like this from time to time help me because there is still a lot of things from that time that I haven’t really dealt with. I hope that if this is happening to your kids that you have success in dealing with it effectively.