I have been thinking about the subject of this post for quite some time. I have hesitated writing it because it may seem hypocritical or judgmental and that is the last thing I mean it to be. I am also not looking for compliments or reassurances, because lovely as that is, that is not the point of this post. I know I have good qualities, really I do! It is just that sometimes, you need to do some hard thinking and talking to yourself.
Lately, I find that I am at odds with myself. Shocking, I know. I’ve been in a place where I am analyzing everything about my life. When I analyze, I am pretty thorough. I say things to myself that would crumble me if they were uttered by someone else. See what I mean? I’m even analyzing my analyzing. Geesh!
What good is analyzing something if you don’t put those thoughts and revelations into some sort of action?
Action, especially efficient action, is not something that I excel at. Taking action often requires competition, whether with others, or yourself. I do not compete. DO NOT. I have more than a sneaking suspicion that this has something to do with a lot of choices I have made about my life.
When I was in high school, I got ok grades, if graduating with a 3.3 is considered ok, but I never studied. This pattern continued on through college and my career. It’s true that walking away from the life of an opera singer was the right call for me. I wanted a family and the life really sucks, but there was a huge part of me that knew that I could not bear the endless competition that it would require. I think that it is partially why I am inactive from the LDS church. A perpetual feeling of failure.
So? I don’t try.
If you don’t try, you can’t really fail, right? How bad could it hurt if I tried and failed?
Well, I know the answer to that one. It hurts a lot. I think a lot of you would be surprised at how scary and hurtful I find the world, how inadequate I feel. Then again, maybe you wouldn’t because I am in the habit of wearing that inadequacy like a badge of honor. A badge that weighs heavier and heavier on me every day.
Being a mother is so frigging hard. Being a homemaker makes me want to howl, shriek, and put a fork in my eye on a regular basis. My home on a great day is so much more cluttered and disorganized than most people. I am not a natural at mothering and struggle so much with keeping house. I think that my outlook on parenting has been to keep my head down, get through it, do the minimal basics and feel grateful if my kids stay in school and don’t become crack-dealers. Ok, maybe I am exaggerating somewhat, but seriously? There is a lot more I can do.
When I say I have just been in survival mode and doing the basics, I mean it.
I am not the worst mother in the world, but my kids deserve more. There have been periods of my life (Like my service as Parent Organization President) where even though I failed at times, I knew, KNEW in my heart I was giving my all! Even though those failures still hurt and stung, I had an overall feeling of peace because I was doing my true best. I do not have that feeling very often anymore. It is replaced with doubt, inadequacy, hurt feelings and guilt. Because I know I am not trying as I should.
To combat that guilt, I look for ways to feel justification. It’s pretty easy to do. All you have to do is go online and there are tons of people to commiserate with. There is rampant blogging trend going around that most people are familiar with-Taking pride in faults, failures and dropping the ball. Especially in our personal, home and mothering roles. “I’m a slacker!” “I dress like a slob every day!” “Failure, one day at a time!”.
I rejoiced in it!
Yay!!
These people understand!!!
This is someone who knows how hard it all is. They will accept me and be ok with the fact that I suck. They will commiserate about wearing pajama pants 24/7 and laugh about how the kids mixed cereal into pudding cups because there wasn’t any milk in the house. Oh, I have plenty of “Reasons” for perpetual failure. My house is so tiny! I have no storage!! It’s my personality!!! I raced around, reading everything, feeling better and better about my slobbish status quo. Even though I still berated myself about my failures, there was a whole lot of me that felt justified because person A, B and C had the same issues and they weren’t terrible people!
Somwhere along the way, I took having people who understood how hard it was to balance everything and turned it into justification for being ok with being a perpetual slacker.
I’m not sure when it happened but, slowly, ever so slowly, this mindset of mine has really started to bother me. It bothers me that somewhere along the way, I stopped taking pride in moments where I could aspire to be THIS.
And started to accept THIS- Someone who celebrates being a slob and who stays like this (And this is key)the majority of the time. 
(And yes, it is a blatant shallow comparison that is focused on the physical. I wanted to use some photos to break up this frigging long post. Try to look beyond that and view the photos as representational of a much deeper issue. )Do I want to be a slacker? To be inept and helpless? Do I want to be a slob? Do I like the fact that a lot of people around me pat me on the head and give me a lollipop because I’m so adorably inept? And worse, that I have given them every reason to think that? Don’t I deserve to have more internal peace that I am doing the best I can?
Because this? This is not my best.
The light is finally starting to dawn that there is a fine line between being overly concerned and consumed with image and success and being too complacent with mediocrity and failure.
I write this with not one shred of smugness or superiority.
I’m one of the worst offenders out there. I tend to shout my flaws from the rooftops. Look at the name of this blog, for Pete’s sake. I started blogging after I checked myself into a hospital to help deal with the fallout of my son dying. I was incorrectly diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. That title stung and hurt. So, what did I do to deal with it? I told everyone, EVERYONE within ear or eye shot that I was a certifiable loon. “Loralee’s Looney Tunes”. If I called myself a crazy person first, it wouldn’t hurt me so much when other people did it, right?
This post isn’t a testimonial about the flaws and negative way of life I conquered and left behind me, either. I am just at the very first stages. Admitting it’s a problem. I’m writing this because I want to be better. I want to succeed! I want to know that I have times where I fail, and drop the ball and it’s OK because (YET AGAIN) it is the exception rather than the rule. There is nothing wrong with realizing that perfection can’t happen, but there is also nothing wrong with shaking off complacency.
I also know that people have different priorities. What bothers me may not bother you. If you wear pj’s all the time but are rocking at your mothering or job and have that inner peace, then great! I just know in my heart that I am holding myself back from what I want to be. What I could be with some more efficient effort.
So? What does this all mean, exactly?
Well, I’m not totally sure.
I know that there are some things that are bigger than me, things that will probably always get in my way, ways I will fail in huge, ugly ways, but does that mean that I give up in every area? Because that is exactly what I’ve done.
I do know that I want this change in my heart to last.
I want to do everything I can to not burn out with this feeling, go too fast or bite more than I can chew. I want to be steady, deliberate and not give up, which pretty much goes against my entire nature.
I can handle back sliding, but I am sick to death of doing nothing but slide deeper into complacency. I have already made huge strides in so many areas, especially with my kids. Jon and I are doing more teamwork about goals than we every have before. I’m looking at so many things and possibilities and most important, implementing them. Even if it is something oh, so tiny. Which, a lot of the times it is.
I’m hoping I didn’t hurt any feelings or come off as judgmental because I mean it to be encouraging and hopefully a bit inspiring. Hopefully you know me well enough to KNOW that I understand. I understand how sometimes? You just DON’T have it to give. That life circumstances or medical issues (And yes, I consider depression a medical issue) hold you back and down from living the full life you deserve. Unless it helps you through that muck, this post is NOT FOR THOSE PEOPLE.
This post wouldn’t have been for me, even six months ago and there will be times that come up that I probably won’t be able to remotely live up to it. In fact, I’m even going to give the same disclaimer to myself: Loralee! If you have things happen that are unavoidable and horrible (Because they happen. Oh, yes, they do.) and if you cannot deal despite all the trying and Diet Coke in the world and are punishing yourself by re-reading this, you can just close the window and walk away, Missy!
Just writing this “Jerry Maguire Moment” has taken courage, but I don’t look at that alone as success. I’ve said a LOT of things before that have lead absolutely nowhere. Still, stating it means I’m putting myself out there and opening myself up for failure and/or success. I’m competing and that is hard , even if it’s just with myself. Writing it here makes me accountable. Not just to me, but to you all. I really hope I don’t totally suck at it or give up. I don’t want to.
Having that desire? That feels good, my friends.
(**This is a positive post for me. Really, it is. Difficult to write, sure, but still a really good thing. I am not sure that this is clear so I’m clarifying)
Cecily says:
You and I were separated at birth I think. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and think about all the things that happened during the day and wonder if one shred of it was productive. The thing is, I think I am much more able to look at other mommies and women and be a little more sympathetic. I am quick to offer words of encouragement to my friends with three kids and a messy house than I am to myself.
So I say, cut yourself some slack and remember all the great things you did for your kids–even if it seems like so much less than what your neighbors did.
And if you want something that your are successful at, I’d say writing. This is a great post, and its written so well (and I don’t just throw around that compliment…when it comes to writing I am a s-n-o-b)!
Incidentally, I wrote something along these same lines a few years ago. If you get bored (HA! A bored mom)and need something to read…
http://mychaosmybliss.blogspot.com/2005/10/rocks-in-pile.html
Cheers!
October 9th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
Bridge says:
I just want you to know I read this… and I’ll be watching. /wink
I know what you mean though. I am going through some soul searching myself right now. Not necessarily in the same areas of life as you, but still the same idea. There are so many things I am unhappy with about myself I would like to change. Just the actual realization and determination to do something about it a great step.
I like you just as you are. Just so you know… /hug
October 9th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
Jill - GlossyVeneer says:
I also want to “be better” and “feel better”. Lately I’ve been having a really hard time in my life, feeling that my life is rather pointless and I have no reason for being. It’s kind of depressing. No… it’s REALLY depressing.
You’re a beautiful, awesome and inspiring person. I seriously think that you are so much like me, just about 15 steps ahead of me; you keep writing things that I think, “Yeah, that’s me. I need to get to THAT point.” Keep inspiring me. I need all the help I can get.
October 9th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
candace says:
I am going to read this post again. and again. and again.
and over and over again.
thank you.
October 9th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
Rachel says:
Hey, sweets. An admirable goal. I admire your epiphonal moment. (Is that a word?) Just remember, baby steps. And slow and steady wins the race. It’s fine to want to do better, just don’t beat yourself up about it. Love you. Hugs.
October 9th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
Rachel says:
P.S. I say that because I have so much room to talk in that area. I don’t have a problem with being to hard on myself and beating myself up. (Denial works sometimes.)
October 9th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
SparklieSunShine says:
I read this post. I know sometimes when putting up a long post you’re sure most people won’t even read it. We do.
I think in the world of blogging especially it makes you feel more inadequate. Everyone seems to write better, be better at family, children, being a spouse, etc, etc.
My family growing up was imperfect. My mother worked at least two jobs full time, our house was (and still is) a cluttered mess, my mom never packed me lunch, we never did crazy things together ( aside from trips, board games and like most good Germans eating) and I still think she was a fantastic mother and I still wouldn’t have anyone else but her. (Even when she disagrees with my lifestyle and tells me no one will marry me because I haven’t saved myself).
So…I understand how you are feeling. I am like you in the way I shout my flaws from the rooftop. I have also been feeling painfully inadequate lately in the fact that I want to be a doctor and I just don’t think I’m smart enough and I feel like I am failing. Eh.
You, however are fabulous. You write well and have your own person fan club. (I think the other commenters would agree with me on that. You always make me feel better through my gray times. Your emails give me a boost on my worst days.
I hope things get brighter. I hope you find joy. You are amazing.
October 9th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
loralee says:
Woah…I am not sure what happened to my comment. I’ll look into it.
October 9th, 2007 at 9:34 pm
hairyshoefairy says:
Yes!! Thank you for putting these thoughts into words! This is how I was feeling a month or so ago and decided it was time to put on my big girl panties and get to work. I realized I had potential. I also realized I wasn’t doing anything to try to meet it. I decided it was time. It really energized and inspired me. I started doing things that made me feel good and like I was succeeding (like you, most of them were little) and like I was worth more. Yeah, I still stumble. We all do. I feel like I’ve been able to hold on to the motivation longer this time, though.
And just as I felt like that inspiration was dwindling you wrote this!
Thank you.
(((hugs))) and good luck with your motivation.
October 9th, 2007 at 9:39 pm
Sharon says:
Excellent post, Loralee. Life is always changing, new challenges, new directions, new victories, and yes, new failures. But we move on, keep trying, setting new goals, accepting ourselves whether we achieve them or not.
Your ability to see your own faults as well as your victories shows how you are still maturing and becoming the best YOU you can be.
The only time we should truly worry, is when we think we have reached perfection. No one ever does!
Keep on questioning, learning, trying. That’s what life is all about.
I’m 65 and still don’t know what I want to be when I ‘grow up’!!!!!
October 9th, 2007 at 10:49 pm
Doug says:
You should see what I look like most days, LL. I have this old t-shirt that has a huge hole in the armpit (yet I refuse to let it die). Since I’m not working here, I rarely comb my hair and don’t even care anymore. I only gussy myself up for when Mr. G comes home.
It’s weird, the older I get, the more I find myself fearful of doing things. Not even fearful, but lazy? Like emailing and/or calling friends. It’s small example, but an important one. There’s no reason why I can’t do it now, but I just don’t want to, for some reason. That “not wanting to right now” eventually turns into days, then weeks. I have to force myself to make that contact because I love these people and I know it’s important.
I always thought that the older one got, the more driven they became. I’m sort of going the opposite direction and with every year that passes, I have to make even more of an effort to counter-act that. Is that normal?
October 10th, 2007 at 3:20 am
Amber says:
Sweets,
It is amazing how much pressure we put on ourselves and subsequently feel inadequate. Even though I am a person who puts a lot into most things I do, there are still feelings of guilt at those things that inevitably get left behind.
My key to survival? I have learned to say “NO!” And maybe someday we’ll all learn to say “Yes” to ourselves.
October 10th, 2007 at 7:37 am
Angella says:
Great post, sweetie.
There’s no harm in analyzing where you are at. If there are things that you are unhappy about, and the analyzing spurns you to better yourself, then it’s all good.
Big hugs!
October 10th, 2007 at 9:34 am
plainjane says:
Yup! I have decided that you and I are basically the same person (except for the whole Opera singer part. I CAN NOT SING), right down to the 3.3 grade point average.
Feelings of inadequacy have been my struggle throughout life. I never try hard for anything because I figure it won’t pan out anyway and I don’t want to disappoint myself. If I don’t try, I can’t fail… RIGHT!?!?! I don’t like team sports because I don’t want to let other people down. I am not competitive because I figure I’ll lose anyway.
I over-analyze everything about myself and my life everyday. My husband is the only person who makes me not have a panic attack over every little trauma.
October 10th, 2007 at 10:25 am
Davie says:
LL,
Have you ever watched a caterpillar turn into a butterfly?
Well I have just watched it happen again.
Time to go fly Loralee, the world is eagerly waiting for you.
October 10th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Mom2four says:
Coming out of lurkdom to say…
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
And thank you, thank you, thank you for voicing my feelings more eloquently than I ever could…and for boosting my desire to do better too.
October 10th, 2007 at 2:01 pm
The Brother says:
So, I know we had a long talk about this and all, but … go get ‘em. Make it happen. You can do it. Be consistent. If you need to be hit in the head with some kitchen implement ocassionally, well, you know I’m always here for you!
And don’t ever lose your own voice. You don’t need to to make the changes you want, and the world needs a Loralee. It has plenty of accountants.
October 10th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
The Brother says:
Oops! A big sorry to my sis Linny - the accountant.
October 10th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
linny says:
Re: plenty of accountants…Philistine.
One thing I hate about this world is that it makes a very cool person like yourself doubt that you rock beyond measure. I blame the patriarchy!
October 10th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Occidental Girl says:
Yeah, I know! I get it. I feel that way, too, that sometimes I try my best but that is not the rule. I want to get better about that, too.
Good for you, just take it one damn day at a time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and change is the hardest thing to effect.
October 10th, 2007 at 3:43 pm
loralee says:
(Yay. I found my response to the first batch of y’all. Which is a dang good thing because I really didn’t want to rewrite it.)
Cecily-Thank you for the compliment on my writing. It makes me happy. The thing is, I cut myself slack all the time. WWWWAAAAAYYYY too much. That’s the problem. For most mom’s? Yes. They are too hard on themselves. There just aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything! BUT. I’m not really doing much of anything. I am not putting in a lot of effort and it shows.
It’s hard to maintain a balance between looking at something realistically and being too hard on yourself. Just trust me that in this case, I’m being practical. (Still, you’re sweet to look out for me.)
Bridgy-Yup. Now you know! I find it funny that people may be so different, but so the same. You and I struggle in completely opposite areas and to varying degrees, but both of us want and need change. Life’s quirky, no? (And, I may need to call on you as a character witness to the truthfulness of my house suck.)
Jill-No, I think that you are much steadier and far more disciplined than I am. That is a very good thing. I would struggle to work from home and stay so focused and scheduled.
This blog is only about 4% of who I really am. I have to fight my extreme, chaotic nature all.the.time. It takes me so long to figure out things that people seemed to “Get” long ago.
I just have to be grateful when enlightenment comes and hope that I can keep it burning.
Candace-You’re welcome. I was hoping that it would be inspiring or helpful.
Rachel-Discipline and being slow and steady are my biggest downfalls. That is why I posted this. To have accountability to myself and to stick to it hopefully. I am rather thrilled that I have been blogging steadily, consistently for two years now and still love it. It shows me that I am capable of sticking with something.
Sparklie-I’m sorry, but when you posted about your mom going off about you not saving yourself I snorted Diet Coke through my nose!
The thing is, things ARE better and I’m finding joy. I probably should have phrased it better (And shorter) but the way I am looking at it, this is one of the most positive posts I written in a while.
October 10th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
loralee says:
HairyYou know, I remember you posting about this. I was still processing everything (It’s been coming in small pieces for a long time). I remember it being one of those moments that I partially agreed with and partially struggled against, which was a big clue that I was unsatisfied with how my life is going.
I imagine I am going to need lots of inspiration and motivation as this continues. I just have to keep saying it “Tiny. Slow. Steady. Don’t chew too much or you’ll burn out.”. It’s hard to run a marathon when your nature is to sprint hard and fast, then collapse and die.
SharonI hope that your recovery is getting easier, my friend. You’ll be up and around on that knee in no time flat! Watch out Minnesota! Here comes Sharon!
I consider you a youngster, Sharon. You kick my butt in productivity.
Dougie Doug Doug-Can’t you come to Utah and live with me? Ok, maybe that would be a bad thing as we would probably just be too lazy lumps that would eventually turn into total recluses that watched reruns of “Lost” 24-hours a day. our unwashed bodies surrounded by cases of Diet Coke and Reeces Peanut Butter Cups.
Sigh.
Yup. I am a big fat scardy cat as I get older. When I was younger I didn’t mind “Putting myself out there” so much. Well, maybe I did, but it rarely stopped me.
Who knew that I would get more frightened of things as I got older? I thought it would be the other way around.
Amber-I know, I picture you as being the Energizer Bunny. Except Canadian. With curly hair.
It’s a fine line, that whole “Guilt” thing. I am at the point where there should be guilt. It’s a matter of picking apart those areas and not being too hard on myself for things that I am doing right or are beyond my control.
Fine-line balancing is something that I am not great at, so it may take awhile!
Angella-I agree about using assessment as a good thing. That is different for me, too. I rip on myself a lot. Too much. Some of it is deserved but a lot of it is just negativity. That is not what this is. I just really need to re-assess things and correct the things that aren’t working for me if I can.
Plain Jane-There are loads and loads of things I can’t do, either. I don’t usually mind team sports. Somehow that makes it ok if it is a group effort. Although, it really sucks if you cause your team to lose (Which I have. In fact, I believe the game ended early because I broke the volleyball net by getting spectacularly wound up in it. Long story.Sigh.).
Davie-The thing that is funny is that I am not even really looking for all these massive changes like new career, house, etc. I just want to feel more peace that I am doing a good job and working hard.
It will be interesting to see what happens if I just focus on those things.
Mom2four-There are few things that I love more than getting one of my lurky friends to come out and say HELLO! Hello back! This is something that has been slowly, slowly emerging in me. I wouldn’t have dared to post it if I hadn’t been making tiny changes long enough to feel like I wasn’t going to back down.
Thanks for the encouragement. I’m really glad that you found this helpful.
Brother-I would run if I were you. Linny could kick your ass.
Thanks for taking the time to have such a deep discussion with me last night on the phone. I am glad that it spared you from being overly-earnest in my comments. Heh.
Consistency is my never-ending struggle. I really think that is probably the key to everything.
I reject kitchen utensils. Unless they are being used in “Food Day”. Speaking of which, we need to plan “English Food Day”…SOON.
LINNY-Heh. You called The Brother a Philistine. Heh. I would love to be an accountant. For one, I have a strong suspicions that my credit rating would be a lot better!
I know that I have a lot of neat-o things about me (Aside from awesome siblings, that is.). I just want to know that I’m trying my best and watching 4 hours of tv followed by 3 hours on the internet while munching on Fritos in my pajamas would be anything but.
Occidental-I know, it’s tiny steps every day. I have been doing that for the last while, which is why I felt confident enough to write this post.
Every day, I made a goal to tackle something new. Right now, it is to attack one area of clutter in my house. Bit by bit my house is getting uncluttered. Which is a miracle in itself considering I live in about 1,000 sq feet with four of us and LOADS of STUFF. :S
October 10th, 2007 at 4:18 pm
hotmama says:
I hear you! I just read this awesome quote that motivated me, from Small and Simple Things by Marjorie Pay Hinkley: “We each do the best we can. My best may not be as good as your best, but it’s my best. The fact is that we know when we are doing our best and when we are not. If we are not doing our best, it leaves us with a gnawing hunger and frustration. But when we do our level best, we experience a peace.
As you create a home, don’t get distracted with a lot of things that have no meaning for either you or your family. Don’t dwell on your failures, but think about your successes.”
and from Henry David Thoreau, “I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionalble ability of a {wo}man to elevate {her} life by a conscious endeavor.”
You’ve inspired me too, with this post. Thanks!
October 11th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Alecia says:
THANK YOU. You have no idea how much this hit home. I’ve been feeling the same way recently. Every few weeks I say to myself, “okay, now I’m going to start getting it together and actually waking up before the kids and taking my shower then so I don’t get sidetracked once they’re awake and then do other stuff until it’s suddenly noon and I still haven’t gotten a shower.” (On days, of course, when we’re not leaving the house.) Your post was a great wake up call that I needed. I specifically needed two things: 1) to realize that I’m not the only one in her pj’s for most of the day, and 2) that you’re not happy with yourself about it either.
We have so many similarities it’s not even funny.
October 20th, 2007 at 11:53 pm