I read a post that really made me reflect on my siblings today. The title grabbed me: “Letter to my dead sister”. I don’t recall ever visiting this site before and I can’t even tell you how I found this blog, exactly. I just know that it made an impact.Forgive me if I don’t get this right, but the author had an older sister was pretty much a destructive mess. They did not have a relationship for years, but the author was so affected by the actions of her sister that she strove to be the opposite of her sibling in every way possible. Her sister passed away and during this post the author analyzes the fallout of their relationship and how it has been a huge part of many of her choices in life.
99% of the time when you ask me how many sisters I have, I will tell you that I have three sisters: Melly, Linny, and my twin (Who shall remain nameless for Googling purposes).
I answer without hesitation or thought.
THREE.
Except.
For all practical purposes, I actually have four sisters.
My father was married for a very short time when he was young. He and his first wife had a daughter, my half-sister. His ex-wife requested that her second husband be allowed to adopt her and so, wanting to do what was best, my father agreed. My half-sister has two other half-siblings that she considers her brother and sister.
Although my father’s divorce and the custody situation was apparently bitter at the time, my father and his ex are very good friends now and have been for years and years. She is a very good family friend, in fact. I see her quite often and admire, respect, and like her very much. My mother and siblings do as well. I remember when I was little the shock I felt when I found out that they had been married at one point because I couldn’t see her as anything other than my dad’s antiquing pal.
I don’t remember the point that I realized that their daughter was my sister. It was probably when she got married. I was 6 or 7 and she was married in the Bel Aire hotel. I believe that she only wanted my father there and none of us went to the wedding. Which was fine with me. I got to go to the beach and Disneyland for the first time. The scenario could happen tomorrow and I still wouldn’t be bothered by it. Know why? Because I am totally neutral about her.
I have no feelings one way or the other about her.
My sister.
Someone who has DNA in common with me.
I just.don’t.think.about.her.
At all.
How can this be? When I watch documentaries or news programs on families reunited after separation, adoption or tragedy in a positive way, my eyes mist up and I often get a lump in my throat. I am often a bit shocked by those who were adopted or not in the family any longer when they state that they have no desire to reunite their birth families…They HAVE a family. How could you not yearn to know your blood relatives? Wouldn’t that leave a void? How could it not?
The irony that I have a blood relative out there that I have zero relationship with and know very little about usually doesn’t occur to me at these moments, which is more telling than almost anything else I could say to you.
I have only met her twice in my life that I can remember. Once was just for a moment when I was little. The last time when I was 12 and my father and I spent the afternoon helping her mom get an antique shop ready to open. It was an ok afternoon, only memorable because she was there and it was a solitary event.
I know more about most of you than I do about her.
I know she is in her fifties. I know that she is a lawyer in California, and is married to a man whose family owns a bunch of supermarkets. I know the first names of her husband and daughter (My niece) and that my niece is in college and is a decent ballet dancer who had the best of everything growing up as an only child in an affluent household. I know that she was pretty when she was younger, wouldn’t let her daughter eat sugar because she didn’t want her to “Struggle with her weight like she did” and that my father thinks that I tend to look like her.
That’s about it.
I don’t know her likes and dislikes, her habits, friends. I have no idea what month or year she was born in or even her last name.
And this doesn’t bother me. At all. In any way.
In some ways I feel bad about it. Actually, it is more accurate to say that I feel like I SHOULD feel bad about this. I just don’t. I don’t feel either way about it. Maybe that is why reading that post triggered my thought pattern. Here is one example of a sister who had a non-existent relationship with the other, but the impact of her existence was so great that the author thought about her (Even if it was to avoid emulating her) at almost every decisive moment of her life. I am the opposite. I never think about her.
Don’t get me wrong; I hope that she is happy and I wish her well. I have no envy of her life, I have no jealousy of her existence. I think she feels the same way about us as we do about her. If she ever wanted to have a relationship with any of us, I am sure that we would all be willing. But she doesn’t. I highly doubt that she ever will, and that is totally fine. None of us are craving her in our lives, either.
None of us feel a void, hole or incompleteness about it.
I am grateful for my brothers and sisters. They have helped me more than I can say. Adding another to the mix couldn’t possibly improve the situation that I have been blessed with.
She has her siblings and I have mine.
I’m good with that.
Tim says:
In my youth, I defended “the family” right or wrong. I would make threats against those that picked on my lil sister. I would come to my older brothers defense. In time, all of that changed. The mindset that states that we must feel some sense of obligation towards “blood” is born out of the old survival instinct of keeping the Clan alive. It isn’t as relevent in today’s world as it once was.
It is true in the smaller sense tho’. When it comes to our own kids; that is our Clan. What my brother or two sisters, or niece or nephews do or do not do is their own experience and not mine. Nor is it linked to my survival.
If I choose to be linked to them, it should be the result of choice. Not guilt or obligation.
October 1st, 2007 at 4:37 am
glittersmama says:
Interesting post Loralee.
October 1st, 2007 at 7:11 am
Sharon says:
Our children are adopted, as you know. Our daughter felt compelled to meet her birth mother,and her natural siblings. Our son has NO such desire.
I have two brothers and one sister. My sister moved to Alaska with her new husband when she was 17. We RARELY see her. Needless to say, I really don’t know her. My oldest brother is a dink, nuff said.
My other brother is the sweetest, kindest, lovingest person ever. I am very close to him.
So I totally understand your feelings.
October 1st, 2007 at 7:20 am
Rachel says:
OMG! I had no idea. I keep up with my sisters lives through my parents. But I really only talk to two of them. I was thinking about my sisters a lot this weekend. I feel guilty for not being as close to all of my sisters and their kids equally. I miss how close we used to be.
But I guess if you never had a relationship with her, there’s nothing to miss. Interesting.
October 1st, 2007 at 7:30 am
Justme says:
I feel the same way about my dad’s daughter (my half sister). My parents were divorced when I was 12 or 13 and he remarried quickly after that. They had had a kid together and she’s 13 now. I see my dad often and I see my half sister often. But I never refer to her as my half sister she’s just my dad’s kid. It’s weird to be so disconnected from a blood relitive but I think that
1) My dad didn’t even tell us that his wife was pregnent
2) My dad didn’t call us when his daughter was born and
3) We are all so much older then her so she’s more like a 2nd cousin then a sibling.
Sometimes I feel bad not thinking of her as a sister but I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers I honestly don’t need another one. Even my stepbrother and sisters I don’t consider them family they are Debbie’s kids.
October 1st, 2007 at 8:37 am
The Brother says:
I lived 10 miles from her for 20 years and never saw her once or talked to her. Just didn’t care. Still don’t. Wish her well in the same generic sense that I would wish a complete stranger well, but totally apathetic.
Although it would be interesting to know if she sweats!
October 1st, 2007 at 1:19 pm
Charli says:
Jeremy’s mom and biological father were together a short time, had him, divorced. Then his mom remarried, and her new husband adopted Jeremy. He IS Jeremy’s dad now. I know my husband rarely thinks about his biological father. I think he lives in Pennsylvania…?
His biological father remarried and had a daughter- I think she is about my age (I am a few years younger than Jeremy). Jeremy honestly doesn’t think about her, doesn’t really care. Sure, they are techinically half siblings. He wishes her well, but she’s just kind of some person out there. Never met her. It’s kind of weird to think about, but its not like it really changes anything in our lives, so I guess we are unaffected by it and thus don’t care.
October 1st, 2007 at 1:52 pm
loralee says:
Tim-I agree. I don’t think that blood necessarily equates to “Family”. And yours has had very bad behavior over the years. I am glad that you are hunkering down with your small clan and saying ‘Be dammed’ to the rest.
Glitters-Thanks. I really wasn’t expecting to write about this today but I suppose it is slightly more interesting than writing about my obnoxious fly strip we were forced to use in my kitchen after our door was left open for 4 hours by the children.
Sharon- Can I love that you called your brother a dink??? I am totally going to call MY brother a dink when he is hitting me kitchen utensils when I swear.)
I think that it is interesting how people react to situations like this. I KNOW there are some people who would really want that connection in my place. I’m grateful for it, though because I know she doesn’t and that would hurt if you were at odds and felt differently. I have a feeling that this happens more often than not.
Rachel-It isn’t really something I talk about merely because I rarely think about it. I just read something that made me today, that’s all.
Justme-I think in your case, I would probably have more feelings of bitterness because of the dissolution of my family unit. In this case, it isn’t even that I don’t think of her as a sister, she isn’t even on my radar.
Brother- First. See above to see how I shall respond when smited with kitchen utensils in the future.
I think each of us are pretty mainstreamed in how we think about the situation. We wish the same for her as the rest of our fellow man (Except for people who are evil and suck. Then we wish on them plagues, pestilence, and itching in places you cannot scratch.)
If she does sweat, you can bet that she would pay big money to stop it.
Charli- Yup. I can totally relate. I think what strikes me as odd is just the lack of feeling, really. It’s like Tim said…the obligation to blood simply for that fact alone is outdated. I get Jeremy’s apathy totally. It’s just like mine.
October 1st, 2007 at 2:18 pm
Occidental Girl says:
In my family I am an only biological child with four step-siblings. Except, we only say there are three. It’s weird, but probably because it’s this denial thing in order to preserve feelings, but I guess if that’s what needs to happen then fine. I don’t know how I feel about it. I don’t know this fourth sibling, and have not heard anything good about her. I don’t know, I don’t know.
I am glad you are okay with things. It feels really weird to not know how to feel.
October 1st, 2007 at 2:19 pm
Angella says:
I have EIGHT siblings. The three oldest ones are from my Dad’s first marriage and I know thema bit but have not seen them in over ten years. Yep - none of them came to my wedding.
However.
This Thanksgiving we will all be together. It’s a bit overwhelming.
The point of spilling all of that is to tell you that I can relate. I have siblings that I love, but we do not actually talk…I just hear how they are doing through my Dad. Weird.
Big hugs to you! xoxoxoxoxo
October 1st, 2007 at 10:59 pm
christina says:
thanks for sharing your story. i can completely relate to how you described answering the question, “how many siblings do you have?” both my brother and i both have always answered, “one,” which is now true. now that i’m a parent it all seems more painful, which is why i wrote about it.
October 2nd, 2007 at 4:20 pm
bee says:
i just don’t know what to say…this post really touched me, though, and i wanted to let you know.
family is such a weird idea to me….more on that later, and not in a comment.
(hug)
October 2nd, 2007 at 5:06 pm
jen says:
I feel you. My dad has three older kids. Two girls and a boy. Or, two women and a man…
We are all very close, though. Unlike your “sister”. We see each other about once a month and just as a family unit, we are ALL close. Her mom and my mom are best friends. However, I have never felt like they are my sisters. Ask me? I have two sisters and a brother. Not four sisters and two brothers. I don’t feel bad about it. I love them very much. But, I don’t know… they just arent my SISTER SISTERS. My dad would be so sad if he ever heard me say that.
October 2nd, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Mr Lady says:
I have 9 siblings total. 3 are from both parents and the rest are half siblings. I have contact with all of ONE of them. And I never miss them. I never think about them. I haven’t seen any but one in 15 years, and I never will. One of my brothers showed up on my doorstep a few years ago, and I felt a big fat nothing. I didn’t recognize him, and we share TWO parents.
I know what you mean. It’s weird. I feel like it should be hard, but it’s just not. They are just people I used to know.
October 2nd, 2007 at 7:06 pm
loralee says:
Occidental-I have friends who have the sibling that isn’t mentioned. Ever. It is difficult to know HOW to feel in situations like that. Especially when the person is someone that you would never, ever choose to spend time or effort on.
Angella-Wow. They are all going to be there for Thanksgiving???? That should be very interesting to say the very least. It’s a bit weird because she doesn’t have a relationship with my father, either. He would like one, but she just isn’t very interested.
Christina-I was just very moved by your post. I’m glad I didn’t offend you (I hesitate to link when I don’t have permission.) Thank YOU for writing something that made me reflect.
Bee-I know some of what you are inferring to regarding your blog so I understand. I think you’re the bees knees. (Sorry, I just CAN’T help myself sometimes!)
Jen-I think that is rather normal, actually. I think that it is great that you have a good relationship with them, but just because you are close doesn’t mean you have to think of them as something you don’t feel. I think it’s just fine.
Mr. Lady- It is so bizarre. I have always wondered if it would be harder if she had been part of my life at all, but I really don’t think so. I find comfort in people who are in the same boat.
October 2nd, 2007 at 8:11 pm
Erika says:
You feel how you feel, and that is perfectly acceptable. You seem to be comfortable with it. I hope that is true, because placing unreasonable expectations on ourselves with “shoulds, musts and oughttas” only lead to problems. Acceptance is okay. It really is okay accept yourself just the way you are.
Sorry for the lecture. I just got off work and am frustrated from picking up the pieces of all the fall out of the demands people place on themselves from belief systems they don’t even know that they have. In summary, no one ever said ya gotta love someone just because you share DNA. Thanks, leaving now.
October 2nd, 2007 at 8:55 pm
loralee says:
Erika-
Man, I love it when you comment, oh, wise one (Said without one shred of sarcasm. Just utter respect).
I know exactly what you mean and I am really ok with it. In fact, I spent a good portion of my afternoon conveying and trying to emphasis these sentiments to our lovely, mutual friend.
October 2nd, 2007 at 8:59 pm