I have been thinking about more and more about my upcoming trip to England and Scotland. I know I mentioned it once or twice, but we will also be in New York City on September 11th. No, it wasn’t on purpose, it just worked out that way.
Besides pondering what a cool place it is to visit, I thought about my previous trips and what I would bring to wear (I seem to dress freakishly inappropriately for the weather every time I’m there). Since I was on the “What not to wear” train, it lead to reminiscences of how there are places that seem to make me feel instantly fugly. Here in my comfortable, little patch of cow-country, I feel tall and thin-ish, and adequate. In New York City? Instant short, fat, and frumpy, my friends.
I swear within minutes of stepping on Manhattan concrete I can actually feel materialism and inadequacy seep in through my epidermal layer. My clothes suck (Well, they do in Utah as well, if I’m honest), my hair isn’t right and I have totally inadequate shoes. We won’t even get into the issue of my purse.
I think it’s the most intimidating place in the world. It probably doesn’t help that a good deal of my wardrobe comes from stores that I can also buy produce in, right? This may be because until recently, the clothing options in Cache Valley pretty much consisted of ZCMI, Al’s Sporting Goods, WalMart or your local hardware store for a jumpsuit or pair of overalls.
Since I am trying to be more positive in my life, I’ll stop picturing what would happen if I walked into Versace on 5th Avenue and give you a “Top Ten” list of places where I have felt like an instant hottie, instead.
Any gas station in Idaho. It’s better if it is a truck stop, preferably a truck stop near one of the reservation casinos, but in the end? Any gas station will do. I don’t know what magic happens when I travel the 20 miles north and cross that state line, but it is a big ole’ shot to the ego. I instantly feel prettier. My clothes look awesome and my hair is gloriously sleek and shiny and perm-free. It probably helps that I’m not still sporting an 80′s claw nor wearing a “Roadkill Menu” t-shirt.
Kanab-UT-Despite being delusinal enough to think that I could actually order decent curry in Kanab, (And despite being completely pissed off that it cost me $22 to get a plate of the grossest food I’ve ever had), this tiny southern Utah town just made me feel glamerous and hip. Which isn’t saying much since I reeked of wildfire and hadn’t showered in two days.
WalMart-Do I really have to explain this? Really?
My neighborhood-I live in the Ghetto. I can safely say that I (And my lovely friend living in my basement) are the hottest people in my ‘hood. It’s not that hard. Trust me.
Small, parking lot carnivals-Come on! Who doesn’t immediately feel more attractive standing next to the carnies?
The Greyhound Bus Station- Seriously? Have you taken a good look at the people who hang out in bus stations? Go between the hours of 11 pm and 3 am for maximum effect.
Correctional Facilites- I have friends who are CO’s (Correctional Officers). If you are female, not wearing an orange jumpsuit and still have all your teeth? They make you feel like a princess.
Juarez, Mexico-I think this is because all the hot pink and aqua buildings TOTALLY brought out the sparkle in my eyes.
Boardwalks in New Jersey. Scratch that. I can’t leave off Newark, so for arguments sake? New Jersey. The sheer tackiness of every boardwalk in existence can only elevate those around it. Especially if you walk on the outer perameter of dorky tourists wearing Bermuda shorts, knee socks, and umbrella hats. However, it’s hard to choose between that and one of the most depressing cities in the country. Even the airport is depressing! I feel like I have to hose down with Lysol every couple of minutes.
Memphis, TN- My first thought when I finally got to see Memphis is that I wanted to track down the guy who sand “Walking in Memphis” and call him a hideous piece of crap for making me want to go there. Granted, my mother booked the hotel and even though I was in fear of my life, standing in a line to check in in lobby of hotel that has the clerks BEHIND BULLET PROOF GLASS is a place where you can toss your shiny hair and stand out. You may get your ass mugged, but a girl has to have priorities, right? **Disclaimer. Yes, my loyal TN peeps. I love your state. My grandma is from there and many parts of it are gorgeous. This part? Not.
See? Wasn’t that fun? You should try it some time. It does wonders for the soul!
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Haha! First I am!
This is what I say about any big city: You ARE how you are. Does that make sense? My words arent doing me justice right now…
I take fashion tips from Carrie on Sex and the City.
I think you can wear anything you want, and look as hot as you want to. Its all in the attitude.
Whenever I go to Chicago in the summer, I wear a white undershirt (wife beater…) a miniskirt and flip flops. Not exactly fashionista wear. But really? If you REALLY look at these people? They all are freaks in one way or another.
OWN IT SISTER. You are HAWT!
I know that you are going to be going nuts trying to get everything done while on your adventures, but if you want to do some shopping and get some way cute hip things you should check out Topshop. They are not very expensive if you live in the UK, but with the exchange rate it is a little more pricey, but comparing it to Nordstrom not so much. I think you can check them out online and see where they are all located. I just went to the one on Oxford. But hey isn’t vacation supposed to be fun and throw all budgets to the wind?
Argh, but your hair is so pretty! Well, I get that Manhattan would be intimidating, but people can’t read the labels on the inside of your clothes. Wear things that make you comfortable so you can strut like the sidewalk is your catwalk. Give off plenty of attitude, and you won’t stand out as “Girl From the Wild West”.
I hear, anyway. I’ve never been to NY but I’ve seen it on the teevee!
hahah, the Memphis hotel story made me laugh. You should stay in the hotel that Nooncy and I stayed in by the airport in Chicago. Who doesn’t love a vending machine that offers condoms in addition to the Snickers and Frito Lays?
Okay, let me wipe the tears from my eyes from laughing so hard. Thanks, I needed that. Let me just say that I think you’re the hottest thing wherever you are, but then, I’m a little biased.
The ghetto coffee shop in Ogden makes me feel like an instant hottie. (Ogden in general really. Why do you think I still live here?)
HAHAHA. I would just try and say to not look American, but now a lot of Europe does anyways. My family in France always raided my suitcase when I would arrive. Half of the stuff they put back in and wouldn’t let me wear it. One of my aunts used to take me shopping too. She really had good fashion sense so I had no problem with it.
Just wear you skinny jeans, a black shirt, and some ballet flats. If anyone asks… your from Canada. Feel free not to shower. Um, nm… you will be with Chelle, so shower. If not she won’t speak to you again.
I think your hot everywhere, so do the carnies… /wink
yup, I’m afraid of New York…well anywhere on the eastern sea board really. I am west coast all the way and would look like the girl who wore denim to the Prom.
You are drop-dead beautiful! You will turn heads no matter where you go! Believe me!
Oh, and I totally agree about Walmart… saw a young woman shopping there last week. She had on a black SEE-THROUGH top with a red bikini top then blue jeans. Could have been a cute look, BUT, (you knew there would be a BUT, right?) She was almost as heavy as I am and the rolls of fat visible were un-countable…
I had planned to buy myself some chocolate while I was there but changed my mind!
I guarantee you that you will feel instantly hot anywhere in the British Isles. If only because your teeth are straight. Seriously.
As for New Yorkers, heck with ‘em if they are attitudinous. It’s like caring whether Parisians will be nice to you. OOOOOH, you mean you actually live in New York. Wow! I can hardly BELIEVE I’m meeting a New Yorker at last! Phlpbbplbbb!!!!!
On the other hand, quit feeling all superior about ‘Marties. Walmart rules. And you don’t want to be one of those superior feeling types anyhoo.
The last time I went to NYC I was trying on clothes at Bloomingdales and Cindy freakin’ Crawford was in the stall next to me. Can you imagine the complex it has given me standing next to her in a 3-way mirror!? (Nice lady, though)
True story. :)
Jen-I think that you are correct. It’s like that stripping scene in “True Lies” if you don’t feel confident you feel and look like and ass.
Cricket-Top Shop is one of the things I am definitely going to check out! My budget will have very little room to “Throw” but I guarantee, I will do my very best at it!
Occidental-Oh, most places I feel ok, it’s just the more intimidating sections and shops that make me go “EEEK”. They scare me. BUT. I have a goal. I’m going into Tiffany’s this time. And I’m buying something. Probably just a keyring, but SOMETHING. I want a blue box, dammit.
Linny-HA HA HA HA. That would have been hilarious to see. Poor you and Nooncy. Shudder. Of course, I had to deal with Mother dealing with the clerks behind the bullet proof glass, so give me latex fritolay any day!
Rachel-Ok, I thought about putting that one on there, too. It was tough to narrow it down. Sigh.
Bridge-I was hoping you would pick up on the carnies. Wink. I plan on bathing. I think showers aren’t the norm in many places we’re going. BOO. I’m just not a bath person…
Apples-HA! Denim to the prom! Still, I feel much more comfortable in the west, too. Just my attitude, I think. LA isn’t nearly as big a deal to me.
Sharon-Seriously? I don’t understand people sometimes. But then, most of the people walking around in tank tops, I don’t understand either (I have very high standards for upper arm exposure).
The Brother-Hey! I shop at WalMart all the time (Admittedly only because there is no freaking Target in Logan, but still!). Just because I shop there makes it no.less.true.
My teeth are straight and lovely so maybe I’ll have a prayer.
Shannon-Ok, that would give anyone a complex. I’m glad she was nice, scabby people suck and it makes it worse when they are famous and scabby.
1. Evanston Wyoming makes me feel like Miss America, or it could just be my relatives there…
2. I know Loralee will make a splash wherever she is seen, so watch out NYC!
3. Thanks for supporting me in my little comment war…
well not all of tennessee is the same ,we live in east tenn, very near what we call mountains.
but remember here in tn is legal to eat road kill—you hit it, its yours for the stew pot
Who *doesn’t* feel hot in Wal-Mart? It’s the best place to go when you need an ego boost.
Have fun in NY! I’d love to go there someday…
That’s hilarious. I never thought about it before, but I’m going to have to make a list for myself! Definitely an ego boost when you need one.
I agree how the whole NYC thing, though. I’ve always been intimidated by it. Never really stayed there other than passing through, but intimidated nonetheless.
when in NYC, just pretend that you have on a “Santino Original” and “make it work”!! (PR RULES!!)
I feel young, hot, smart, intelligent, sophisticated, and in possesion of wonderful taste in clothes and home decor every time I GO TO MY IN-LAWS! Hee. You’d think I would be willing to go there more often… Too bad they also wear me out- I am so tired when I leave there after a few hours! And I always have to ice my tongue b/c it aches so from bitting it so often…
Aww:( No fair you get to go to England and Scottland! My sister moved there 6 years ago and had a baby and I havn’t seen her since. We talk often though. Will you tell her I said hi? She’s in Carlisle. :)
Bahahaha! I sooooo understand. Can I just say, I don’t know if I can move back to Utah because they don’t have an H&M and it is now one of my favorite stores. How can I live without it!?
And the list? Fantastic!