I have been thinking about more and more about my upcoming trip to England and Scotland. I know I mentioned it once or twice, but we will also be in New York City on September 11th. No, it wasn’t on purpose, it just worked out that way.
Besides pondering what a cool place it is to visit, I thought about my previous trips and what I would bring to wear (I seem to dress freakishly inappropriately for the weather every time I’m there). Since I was on the “What not to wear” train, it lead to reminiscences of how there are places that seem to make me feel instantly fugly. Here in my comfortable, little patch of cow-country, I feel tall and thin-ish, and adequate. In New York City? Instant short, fat, and frumpy, my friends.
I swear within minutes of stepping on Manhattan concrete I can actually feel materialism and inadequacy seep in through my epidermal layer. My clothes suck (Well, they do in Utah as well, if I’m honest), my hair isn’t right and I have totally inadequate shoes. We won’t even get into the issue of my purse.
I think it’s the most intimidating place in the world. It probably doesn’t help that a good deal of my wardrobe comes from stores that I can also buy produce in, right? This may be because until recently, the clothing options in Cache Valley pretty much consisted of ZCMI, Al’s Sporting Goods, WalMart or your local hardware store for a jumpsuit or pair of overalls.
Since I am trying to be more positive in my life, I’ll stop picturing what would happen if I walked into Versace on 5th Avenue and give you a “Top Ten” list of places where I have felt like an instant hottie, instead.
Any gas station in Idaho. It’s better if it is a truck stop, preferably a truck stop near one of the reservation casinos, but in the end? Any gas station will do. I don’t know what magic happens when I travel the 20 miles north and cross that state line, but it is a big ole’ shot to the ego. I instantly feel prettier. My clothes look awesome and my hair is gloriously sleek and shiny and perm-free. It probably helps that I’m not still sporting an 80′s claw nor wearing a “Roadkill Menu” t-shirt.
Kanab-UT-Despite being delusinal enough to think that I could actually order decent curry in Kanab, (And despite being completely pissed off that it cost me $22 to get a plate of the grossest food I’ve ever had), this tiny southern Utah town just made me feel glamerous and hip. Which isn’t saying much since I reeked of wildfire and hadn’t showered in two days.
WalMart-Do I really have to explain this? Really?
My neighborhood-I live in the Ghetto. I can safely say that I (And my lovely friend living in my basement) are the hottest people in my ‘hood. It’s not that hard. Trust me.
Small, parking lot carnivals-Come on! Who doesn’t immediately feel more attractive standing next to the carnies?
The Greyhound Bus Station- Seriously? Have you taken a good look at the people who hang out in bus stations? Go between the hours of 11 pm and 3 am for maximum effect.
Correctional Facilites- I have friends who are CO’s (Correctional Officers). If you are female, not wearing an orange jumpsuit and still have all your teeth? They make you feel like a princess.
Juarez, Mexico-I think this is because all the hot pink and aqua buildings TOTALLY brought out the sparkle in my eyes.
Boardwalks in New Jersey. Scratch that. I can’t leave off Newark, so for arguments sake? New Jersey. The sheer tackiness of every boardwalk in existence can only elevate those around it. Especially if you walk on the outer perameter of dorky tourists wearing Bermuda shorts, knee socks, and umbrella hats. However, it’s hard to choose between that and one of the most depressing cities in the country. Even the airport is depressing! I feel like I have to hose down with Lysol every couple of minutes.
Memphis, TN- My first thought when I finally got to see Memphis is that I wanted to track down the guy who sand “Walking in Memphis” and call him a hideous piece of crap for making me want to go there. Granted, my mother booked the hotel and even though I was in fear of my life, standing in a line to check in in lobby of hotel that has the clerks BEHIND BULLET PROOF GLASS is a place where you can toss your shiny hair and stand out. You may get your ass mugged, but a girl has to have priorities, right? **Disclaimer. Yes, my loyal TN peeps. I love your state. My grandma is from there and many parts of it are gorgeous. This part? Not.
See? Wasn’t that fun? You should try it some time. It does wonders for the soul!