**Edit-Or shall I say “Tons of edits”. This post has changed quite a bit from the original. I MUST call attention to the fact that I am also wearing my NEW GLASSES in this posts photo. Yup. I went with the “Naughty Librarian” pair. They rule. Now, I really must work on not tinkering with posts once they are up. You poor, pestered, feed readers! What I must do to you! I can’t help it, it’s like picking at a scab. Walk away from the keyboard, Loralee. Now. You can do it!
I know many of you will run shrieking from the length of this post. For those less drama-infused, you will just scroll down and let your eye take in a few of the more pertinent words in each paragraph. This is more a post written for me to look back on in future years and (Hopefully) measure my progress. You could just skip it, but you will be missing a ROCKING photo of me in sweats and tiara.
Don’t let the title of this post scare you. I’m not going to stand up on a desk and go all “O, Captain! My Captain!” on y’all, but I do want to talk about the phrase made famous by cardigan-clad Robin Williams.
“Seize the day”.
When I break it down, it seems like the two basic fundamentals in “Carpe Diem” are Joy (Or happiness, but for the sake of eligibility in the giveaway by Kerfloppy, we’ll just call it Joy) and Action.
Joy is something that instinctively drives us. We seek it out. We are capable of going to great lengths to try and obtain it or what we think will bring it to us. Joy can be a powerful weapon, used to motivate, heal, help and bless. Besides being a weapon, Joy is also an armor. You can put it on and wrap yourself up in it every day to combat the assault of suck that life can reign down on your head.
Joy is something that has to be renewed so it can continue being a good thing. There are times that there is NO Joy to be found because of tragedy, pain or disappointments. During those trials you have to focus on the happy memories and as much of the positive as you can. Sometimes all that is standing between you and the cuckoo house is the memory of Joy.
You have to be careful though, because memories of Joy can be bittersweet. They can comfort you, but may also make you bitter or angry that it is no longer there. Sometimes if you are in enough pain, you get stuck in the memories of happier times to shut out the pain of what is going on around you. If you stop seeking Joy or refuse to allow it to keep coming into your heart you may become stuck and swallowed up in the past. I am notorious for being so stuck in the past that I can’t move forward. I struggle with this more than anyone I know and it has hurt my life and people I love.
Granted, I have been through a lot of terrible things. It seems that I barely get my head over one wave when I’m knocked down by the next thing. BIG THINGS. To quote Steel Magnolias, “When it comes to pain and suffering she’s right up there with Elizabeth Taylor”.
I feel pretty damn old for being 32.
It seems like for the whole of my life I have my kept my head down, plowed through and felt lucky to get through the battle alive. That may work for skirmishes, but what about the whole freaking war? Is my whole life going to be like this? Am I always going to feel so weighted down and beaten?
Last year, after listening to Lucinda Williams song “You took my joy, I want it back”, I had this epiphany:
“This is no way to have a life. I am tired of just surviving this life. I want to live it.”
How do you undo twenty years of this, though? How do you change things?
Here is where the second part of Carpe Diem comes in: ACTION.
I am not saying that you cannot have Joy without Action. Heck, there are so many simple things that bring me Joy that I don’t have to do much, if anything, to experience: A gorgeous sunset or a crashing thunderstorm or watching a lady bug crawl around the sunny spot of my windowsill. Still, most of the things that bring me my deepest Joy, I have had to either work for, or at, or make the choices that bring them to fruition.
I choose to be a better mother and wife. While it is true that having children can cause some of the deepest pain you may experience, the happiness and Joy that comes from them is immeasurable. I am ashamed of it, and it is nothing I do on purpose, but after Matthew died, my natural instinct facilitated me putting up the mother wall of all time to shield me against further loss. In doing so, it partially shut out my children. It is only this past year that I have put deliberate effort into allowing them back in. When you are used to keeping the door shut it takes a lot work to pry it open and let the love and Joys back into everyday life. I am so glad I have.
Jonathan and I continue to make strides. Sometimes they are damn small, but still…they are there. More and more I feel lucky and so appreciative of him. It is not easy being married to me. It isn’t easy being married to him either, but he has come such a long way, even in the last year, that I am beginning to hope and think that both of us are up to the task.
I choose to be a better friend. I’m not a bad friend. In fact, when I want to be I can be an amazing friend. The last few years I have put my little band of brothers through an awful lot. I am trying to rectify that. For awhile, I focused on trying to specifically make it up to them. “I’m sorry! Forgive me!” While that was necessary for awhile, I think that the best way I can make it up is to just work on myself, to be a productive, functioning person that takes it one step at a time and keeps moving forward. To get pieces of the old me back and make them work in my new reality.
I choose to take time for me. This has never really been hard for me, because I am one of the more hedonistic, self-centered people I know, but I am trying to do things with that time that will be more positive and productive than retreating to my “Island” (My bed) and sobbing over the injustices and suck of my life. Don’t get me wrong. I am rather fond of being a pessimistic masochist and a good wallow with a vat of Ben & Jerry’s is a lovely way to spend an evening. It just should be mingled in with reading a good book, taking a class, writing or working on my music.
I choose to be better about my physical and mental health. I found a new therapist. Granted, I have only been once due to reunions, funerals and the like of both our schedules, but I WENT. I also go to a supplemental meeting once a week that I love. It’s really been helping. Funny, I can’t say how, exactly, but it is. I have made huge, huge, HUGE strides in the last two years. I’m focusing on trying to not repeat bad behavior. I have put in boundaries and have faced up to things and tried to work through them rather than just running away because it is easier. I am not solely responsible for this. I have had mountains of help from family and friends. I appreciate and love them more than they know.
In the physical health area, I sucked up my terror of dentists and hospitals and got a lot of things taken care of and looked at. In January I started a rigorous diet and exercise plan. For the first time in my life, I planned and MET an exercise and diet goal. I ran two miles, I lost 20 lbs. I ate an extremely well-balanced diet. I could get down on myself that this summer has put me off track, but instead, I just think about how much better I eat now that I was off of sugar all those months and that I know that I am capable of making it happen. You can drown in the negatives if you let yourself. Still, even though I am much better at my health than I was, I would like to get back on track. I felt better. My next goal is to be better about preventative care. We’re not going to talk about my Diet Coke addiction. I’m not ready.
I choose to get our finances under control and make and meet goals. I have been saving every paycheck to realize my life-dream of seeing the UK. I can’t believe I’m going. Jon and I have been working and working to pay off debt. We still have a long way to go as far as organization, both in finances and life in general. I have never been a long term planner and suck at organizing things. Ehem…this is our “Bill System”. 
Hey, at least I have the VIP (Very Important Papers) in a drawer all of their own. Does it really matter that the drawer is to my 19th century china hutch??? 
Still, I want to get everything organized and in place. Baby steps, right?
I choose to keep trying to make my house a home and a better place to be with my family. A lot of days this means not burning my house down or going fetal and sobbing on my bed. I have come very far as a housekeeper. Which is sad because I still suck at it more than most people I know. I have a lot of challenges in the area-we have a TINY house with no storage. I have two very active boys. It is easier since they are older, but it is no picnic by any stretch. I am a cluttery, low-energy person.
What saves me is that I can cook well, I am ok at decorating, and when motivated I am one of the faster workers I know. I will get into a “SUPER MOOD” and clean and clean and CLEAN. Especially when I am pissed off. It works wonders.
Even though I struggle I have always made every single place I have lived better. I try to create homeyness, even though it is not my forte. I have a lot of successes. A lot more than I did even five years ago.
Still, most of the day-to-day drudgery that is housework I just suck at. I have to will myself to do it and find ways to make it endurable. My way of coping today? I’m wearing the superfanastic TIARA that a wonderful reader (TJ) sent me in the mail. There is something about wearing my pajamas and a sparkly princess crown while scrubbing toilets that is just good for my soul. I got a pretty funny look at the MacDonald’s drive-thru, but it ’s still worth it.
I choose to learn to like “ME” Even with all these goals and aspirations I fall short on so.many.things. All the time. Constantly. It is one of the few areas that I am consistent. I have to keep trying. Even the tiniest step forward is still a STEP. In a good direction! Hopefully, I will continue making progress, even if I fall off the ladder or wagon or earth. I’ll climb back on and keep going. I am someone who is exceptionally hard on themselves. It is abrasive to some people how much I rip on everything about me. I am so much harder on myself than I would ever dream of being on anyone else that I love.
One of my best friends has a saying when I go into this pattern. “Excuse me?! You are talking about my best friend and NO ONE is allowed to talk crap about her, so you need to shut it or we’ll have to take it outside.”
It helped put it in perspective.
I am trying to get better at it and give myself a break and realize that there are just things about me that RULE. I do a lot of things well, great, and superfantastick. I know it is such a cliche, but loving yourself is so hard but so important. I think this may be the hardest thing to conquer of them all.
For now? Well, the best part about the Carpe Diem philosophy is that it is about a DAY. A chunk. A baby step. “Tomorrow is new, with no mistakes in it”. You don’t have to swallow your life and all your aspirations and goals in one big chunk, you can take it a day at a time. My chunk today? I have to go and square off with the baskets of laundry waiting to be folded in my bedroom. Afterwards I plan on seizing the day by snuggling up with my new baby niece.
It really doesn’t get much better than that.
MaryEllen says:
I am glad that one of your choices was to befriend me and put up with my weirdness. i do love having you as a friend and value it.
I think that we all want joy in our lives, but strive only for happiness. If we are unhappy then we tend to send out invitations to “pity parties” and think that life sucks. Happiness if fleeting, at best. Joy is the peace and contentment that will carry you through the suck of life. I have been in the depths of hell and wondered who sucked out all the happiness in life, but when I thought about the good things that I still had and the possibilities of what good was still to come, thought about the suck as a course in “what good can I glean from this suck?” then I felt the peace and contentment that only Joy can bring. I very much agree with the action portion of your statements. I decide how my life will be lived, by my actions and thoughts. I am very thankful that I have the friends I do who keep me on track when I tend to take the scenic route.
August 17th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
loralee says:
Mary Ellen: “I have been in the depths of hell and wondered who sucked out all the happiness in life”
Um. That would be your ex-husband. The word is that he just took up post as Head Dementor at Azkaban.
August 17th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
tj says:
we all need lots of “love at home” , as we say in the south “we are proud for you”
August 17th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Jill - GlossyVeneer says:
Loralee: A lot of that post rang true with me, choosing to do things to make my life better. Of course, I think you are a few steps ahead of me in some of those areas (meaning, you’ve already taken action whereas I’ve looked up health care professionals but haven’t made any calls!). That was a great post and you look very cute in your sweats, tiara and glasses!
August 17th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
holli says:
I read all of this, Loralee and it was such a powerful post. You and I are so much alike - although I haven’t lost a child and I can’t even pretend to know how you feel. Most couples can’t survive that and I’m sure you know that. You’ve done your best to protect yourself and heal.. and these things don’t just happen overnight. You could have just blinked out and left everyone in a mess, but you’ve kept your family together.. and I swear I have specifically told someone you are one of the strongest people around. Any step in the right direction is.. a just that - a step in the right direction. I suck at housework and pretty much everything that goes along with being domestic - but I’m doing my best to keep it together. You’re aware and living with purpose and that’s beyond most people. I think you’re my hero. It’s good to see I’m not the only person with a tiara.
HUGS
August 17th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
SparklieSunShine says:
You are FANTASTIC. Of course I read the whole thing. Long posts are perfection. I get to grab a cup of tea and really enjoy what you have to say. Long comments are the same for me. Bliss.
I loved what you wrote here. Life is for living! (I also love that movie & the soundtrack Thomas Newman is one of my favorites.)
You are doing great with all your goals and life changes and such. You are living! I’m trying to do that myself.
BTW - You look gorgeous in that picture. The new glasses are 0 frump. I love them!!
Oh and see the length of your hair? That is what I am aiming for. It will be FOREVER!!
Good luck in the JOYS contest.
August 17th, 2007 at 2:57 pm
loralee says:
Jill- you may not know it but when I DO get back on track it will be in no small part to you posting about your treadmill use. It is inspiring. I have done JACK about it so far, but I know that eventually, I will. (I hate hospitals, doctors, dentists, and all of the things associated with them. Except the warm blankets they give you. And the good drugs. Those rock. Grin.)
TJ-I love the Southern fans. The tiara ROCKS THE HOUSE, my friend. I have always wanted one. Now I just have to have a girl to have matching Tutu’s like Holli.
(Speaking of which) Holli, you are amazing. I did leave everyone in quite a mess for quite awhile, but I am pulling myself out of it. The people around me are amazing and my biggest blessing in this life.
Sparklie-Awe. I love that you are ok with the long posts. I always get nervous when I put them up. Thomas Newman is awesome. His singing voice gets on my nerves, but over all? He rocks.
Thanks for noticing the glasses!!! They go over better in real life than in the photos I posted.
Funny about the hair. I am thinking about whacking it off (As I am wont to do during life changes)
August 17th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
Rachel says:
Thanks so much for the novel you just wrote us. It was fab. And let me just say that it warms my heart that you used quotes from three of my all-time favorite movies. I hadn’t read this yet when I called you, but now I’m glad I did because you SO deserve to be taken out to lunch. And OF COURSE you deserve to wear the tiara. YOU.ARE.FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!! I can’t even begin to say how proud I am to call you my friend. “More will be revealed, pal” at the “pamper Loralee lunch” tomorrow. (P.s. the quote is from Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.) But in the meantime, just know that I think you’re amazing!
August 17th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
holli says:
Even if they were in a mess for awhile.. they had you. That’s more than it could have been.
Don’t whack the hair - I went through that phase. I love your hair - and you love putting it up for the opera. Don’t do it!!!
August 17th, 2007 at 6:04 pm
Holly says:
Thanks for this post Loralee. While it was meant for you, I needed it! I don’t know what I would do without you being a friend in the box. *hugs*
August 17th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
angela says:
I’m sure I’ll want to cut mine off as soon as it gets that long too. I would at least like to see it that length first.
I have actually never heard him sing. Hmm.. I do love his scores though. American Beauty is one of my very favorites.
August 17th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
loralee says:
Rachel-Wow, tomorrow is “Pamper Loralee Day”? Awesome! I thought it was just lunch. Maybe I should work on making this a national day of recognition or something!
Holli-Maybe I’ll just go for a deep trim and intriguing color. Either way, I have to de-skeeze how I look. I am two steps away from being taken to the pound for being a stray mongral!
Holly-Awe. It’s just so hard a lot of the time. I know that I feel better when people talk honestly about their suck and how they try their best to cope than if they are constantly flinging their accolades at me.
Angela-Oh, crap. I do this all the time (Much to my friend, Brian’s chagrin) I mixed up THOMAS Newman with RANDY Newman. I do it all the time. Obviously, I prefer Thomas (His “Little Women” score is one of my all time faves).
Randy composed and sang “You’ve got a friend in me” for Toy Story and I don’t care for his stuff NEARLY as much.
August 17th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
Angella says:
Great post. Also? I am 32. Huh.
August 17th, 2007 at 7:38 pm
Sharon says:
Ahh…long post but well worth the read. When you can look at your life and see your own progress and appreciate it, well, that is SO great!
You look great in those glasses, girl!
August 17th, 2007 at 9:24 pm
falwyn says:
This whole thing was wonderful. But I really have to love the comment from your friend: “NO ONE is allowed to talk crap about her, so you need to shut it or we’ll have to take it outside.†LOVE LOVE LOVE. New mantra. Awesome.
August 17th, 2007 at 10:25 pm
Aunt Amy says:
You totally win Kerflopy’s prize!
Way to go!
August 17th, 2007 at 11:18 pm
janjanmom says:
“Still, most of the day-to-day drudgery that is housework I just suck at.”
Thanks for visiting my blog! I love that we both called housework drudgery, cause it is!!!
Thanks for sharing so deeply of yourself, awesome post.
August 17th, 2007 at 11:50 pm
loralee says:
Angella-Really? You look younger in your photo (Damn you!) Welcome, welcome. I’m totally glad that I found you through the Kerfloppy links.
Sharon-Thanks! I was worried that I would have to pass out water and cookies for people to make it through the whole thing!
Falwyn-It is awesome, isn’t it? So is my friend. It really helped to put how I talk to myself in perspective. I would NEVER allow anyone to talk about one of my friends (OR anyone that I even remotely liked) the way that I talk about myself. I owe my friend huge for that.
Amy-Awe, shucks. You have to say that. We shared thin walls in college.
Janjan-Thank you, and welcome! I totally noticed that when I read your post. There are times I really like doing it, but like everything else it is the consistency that I suck at!
August 18th, 2007 at 12:50 am
Jill - GlossyVeneer says:
Thank you, I’m glad that my posting about my workouts may inspire you. I sometimes feel like I should stop twittering or blogging those, like people think I’m a big snobby jerk for that or something.
I’ve had a broken retainer on my lower teeth for nearly two years that I need to get fixed. But even more than that, I need to talk to a therapist about some issues and I’ve gone as far as looking someone up, but that terrified me too much to go any further. Ugh…
August 18th, 2007 at 10:04 am
jen says:
Oh, I just love you to death. And I mean that on the very base level that I could love you, but seriously? I have no bubble, and should we ever meet? I am going to hold you for the longest time. Ha!
I am 32 as well. You have been through so much more than I have and it makes me ashamed to be the same age. You dig?
I feel like Im skating through my life and if nothing else, you make me appreciate it a little more.
I am so glad that you are taking control of your life. It is yours after all. You do what you can do, yes? Yes. Most people dont though, feeling sorry for yourself is so much easier. You are a brave little toaster.
Im huggin’ you all day long{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
August 18th, 2007 at 10:53 am
Kerflop » And the winner is… says:
[…] S. via e-mail April S. via e-mail Life as Lou Fixer-Upper Falwyn Chaos Theory 3 to get ready Loralee’s Looney Tunes Puking […]
August 18th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
Amanda says:
Wow, Loralee, what an incredibly inspiring post. I’m glad I finally found your blog. (Don’t know where I’ve been.) I could relate to so much of it. I’m going to call the dentist this week. I’ve been putting it off for two years. I need to take ACTION.
August 19th, 2007 at 9:43 am
Alecia says:
I loved this post. Is it overly mushy to say that it was inspiring? I hope not.
Love the glasses too! Very nice.
August 19th, 2007 at 8:38 pm
loralee says:
Jill-Just do it, seriously. If you have the right therapist it is so nice.
Jen-Thanks for the hug. I always saw myself as more of the Blankie or the Radio than the toaster, but you rock the world, too. Screw bubbles. They’re overrated!
Amanda-Thank you and welcome, welcome! Oh, the dentist SUCKED for me. Sucked. I’m glad I did it, though.
Alicia-Heck, no! It’s always lovely to know something you write is inspiring! Thanks about the glasses. I heart them.
August 19th, 2007 at 9:53 pm
jess says:
don’t cut the hair. you’ll be pissed about it later.
trust me. i am still pissed. and it was two years ago. maybe 3. hell shit damn i think it’s been 4 years!!!
omg. i have to go cry now.
i loved this post, honey. good stuff.
August 20th, 2007 at 3:43 pm