I usually never, ever talk about my first husband on this blog. I don’t because he isn’t really “In” my life anymore and I also refrain out of respect for him. We had an amicable divorce and he is a great father to our son, James. When Jonathan and I separated two years ago, he stepped up and helped and did a fabulous job. He is a good guy.
However, today is not good. Not good at all and I need to talk about it. Just when I think I have one fire under control, BAM! I need this to stop. I need a break. Big things need.to.stop.happening.
My ex-husband called me on the phone to ask if he could come and talk to me about James. “Uh, oh. That sounds bad.” He assured me it wasn’t, it just wasn’t something that he wanted to talk about over the phone.
What he wanted was for James to primarily live with him with me having visitation.
I call that bad.
He doesn’t really see this as “Bad” or a “Big deal” because James would still be going to school at the same place and that they would have Christopher over “A lot”. He told me over and over that he doesn’t want to change custody formally, that he wasn’t trying to “Take James Away” and I know that he isn’t trying to hurt me. He just wants more time with his son (Which I have ALWAYS been willing to give. He can have James whenever he wants.). He also said that having control over James’s schedule was a huge factor. James is his only child and he and his wife want to raise him. James also wants more time with his dad. I offered to extend and rearrange or let him have every weekend or do reverse custody in the summer, but that didn’t seem to sit very well.
I’m trying to stay calm, not freak out, and see this for what it is. He isn’t doing this to deprive me of anything, he just wants more. I get it. Secretly, I think that they have a bit of an issue about my parenting. His wife is much more “Together” than I am and I can’t help but feel a bit of a sting with this issue. My ex says that this isn’t the case, but still…
He said that James requested all of this, not him.
I don’t even want to get into how that makes me feel.
And what about Christopher? The little kid who gets so attached to things and people that I had to have a freaking funeral for a BALLOON?
I just don’t know. I don’t know what to do. We left it at, “We have to talk about this a lot more”. My head is spinning and I feel like I want to vomit. I want to do what is best for my sons, I just don’t know what that is. I feel like the worst mother on the planet.
Shit.
Erika says:
Oh holy shit, honey! I. am. so. sorry. Please call. Again, so sorry.
August 8th, 2007 at 7:11 pm
linny says:
Instead of getting fucking pissed at him for doing this to you, I put his name in an anagram generator. Which do you like better, “Butt Dingo Rene” or “Obedient Grunt”?
August 8th, 2007 at 7:53 pm
jen says:
Oh my. I wish I could hug this away for you.
I am sorry this is happening to you. You are NOT the worst mother in the world. Let us know how this pans out, and how you are, or Im just going to worry about it.
August 8th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Sharon says:
The worst mother in the world??? How DARE you think that of yourself!!!! I AM SHOUTING NOW!!! YOU ARE A TERRIFIC MOTHER!!!
I am so sorry you are having this crisis… I would sit down and talk to James about this. Talk with your husband, also. And Christopher. Tell James how you feel.
But above all, remember this:
YOU are James mother, he knows how much you love him. He is an intelligent young man. I don’t think he would do anything to hurt you.
All the best to you in this situation!
August 8th, 2007 at 8:18 pm
hairyshoefairy says:
Wow. That’s a lot to deal with! ((hugs)) Yeah, I’d say that will definitely take a lot more discussion.
August 8th, 2007 at 8:50 pm
Jill - GlossyVeneer says:
I also wish that I could hug you right now. I hope you can figure out a solution that causes the least amount of pain for everyone involved!
August 8th, 2007 at 9:43 pm
coolbeans says:
Everything I try to say leans too far into “logical and rational and emotionally detached” or “totally flipping out for you” so I’m just going to say I think you are fabulous and I’m sorry so many upsetting things have happened for you lately.
You don’t have to have it totally “together” to be a good parent. Please don’t put that on yourself, Loralee.
August 8th, 2007 at 10:54 pm
Carrie says:
That sounds like an awful decision to have to make. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.
August 9th, 2007 at 7:19 am
Holly says:
Suuuuuuck. Have you talked to James about it, since he’s the one who is said to want it? I don’t know what I would do. Oh my, Loralee, that’s hard.
August 9th, 2007 at 7:50 am
Rachel says:
Holy crap, Sweetie!!!!!!! I’m so sorry that this is happening. I’m sending you an email. Hugs. (P.s. “Worst mother on the planet”?!! Don’t make me take my earrings off! You’re talking about one of my best friends! You know better than that.
August 9th, 2007 at 8:00 am
Charli says:
You don’t take kids away from a mom. Sorry, dads, but I really just don’t think that men fully “get it” the way that women do. I mean, our thoughts are consumed with our children- we ARE our children, and men, are well, at work for most of the day… And yes, I realize that this sounds so 1950’s, but Lo is a SAHM and her ex is not.
August 9th, 2007 at 8:24 am
Just Me says:
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know that your ex is a good guy and he wants what’s “best” but I don’t know I find this really shady. I find it weird that he turned down your offer to more time with James. Makes me wonder how much time he’d give you with James if he has custody. I’d definitly talke to James about what he wants and what he has told his dad. What a hard situation to be in.
((hugs)) from me too.
August 9th, 2007 at 8:39 am
Sharon says:
One more thought…
In our little town we have a divorced couple who have teen-age boys. Both of them have re-married. Their solution was to have the boys spend alternate weeks with them. So far it is working well. That way they were only a few days away from being together again. Just a thought…
August 9th, 2007 at 9:12 am
Alison says:
Oh my, my worst nightmare! Ok, well, I think you need to talk to your son and see if this is something he really wants. Or is it something the dad put into his mind to think that he really wants? (I believe you that the dad is a good guy. But maybe, since they don’t have any other kids, this may have been years in the making of “If you lived here…..” comments?) Be careful, as I know you will, not to put him in the middle or make him feel bad if he does want this. And if he does want this is it because he gets away with more over there? Do you make him do chores verses his dad that doesn’t? That type of thing.
This is a hard situation and I know it is stressful. But try to remember to take it one step at a time and try to get to the root of it all. You guys will figure something out. Big hugs!
August 9th, 2007 at 9:13 am
jess says:
you know, lor…this is also one of my biggest fears. as a mom, how else should you feel when your son has allegedly (i love that word) requested to live with his dad?
i bet james knows how lucky he is to have two families who love him so much: a great stepmom who really loves him (rare!) and your current husband, who james also calls dad.
i respectfully disagree with charli. i don’t think you take very young children away from their mom…but dads are a very important part of kids’ lives and i think that many men really do “get it” but their wives just don’t think so.
try not to read into this too much. he’s entering that age where boys want their dads. and if your first husband is a good man, he’s a good dad. and james wants to spend time with him.
and there’s a good side to this, too. if christopher gets to go over “a lot” then you and jon have some time for yourselves, which is never a bad thing.
my heart hurts for you. i know this day will come for me, too. and i dread it.
August 9th, 2007 at 9:49 am
The Brother says:
Ok, here is actually a serious Brotherly Counsel post, having lived through this kind of thing myself. (although as a MAN and therefore, not qualified to feel deeply about kids.
That was totally kidding, btw). So, are you ready? Here it is:
Crap works out. Do your best and crap works out. Don’t escalate this to bitter feelings, because no matter where kids live, they know who is who, provided that you are always there for them, which you will be. But what will screw them up big is a nasty fight over the whole thing.
So, negotiate, discuss, even hold firm. But don’t let it get nasty. And do not worry that james wants more time with dad. You kinda have to roll with the feeling that this generates. You’re a smart loving mom who has raised bright kids. They have divided feelings and that is ok and natural.
Relax and remember: Crap works out.
August 9th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
loralee says:
Erika-When my head stops exploding and I can go 10 minutes without talking to the principles in this area, I just may take you up on that.
Linny-Words cannot express how much I love you. I am kind of partial to “Butt Dingo Rene” somehow it fits.
Jen-Thanks. I feel like it sometimes. And, to add insult to injury, as far as I know there is no tiara, sash or prize money that comes as “Ms. Universe Suck Mother” (Um, that sounds kinda dirty. Sorry! Grin)/
Glossy and Hairy-Thanks. It has been a really tough night and day. My head is spinning, but I am hoping that clarity will come. It usually does with my kids. I just hope I can handle the answer.
Coolbeans-Oh, I have been through that a LOT. It’s hard when it’s on a blog, but I totally know where you’re coming from. I know that you don’t have to totally be together as a parent, but it is difficult when you know people think they could do it better than you can. Especially when it is a step mother. It sucks, let me tell you. I am very grateful that she genuinely loves me son, though. I would take me feeling inferior vs. her not loving him any day of the week.
Carrie-Thanks so much. This really is one of the bigger things I’ve gone through. I just want to make the best decision and I don’t know what it is.
Holly-Yes, James and I have talked. We’ve talked a lot. (I’ve written more about it later.) Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it.
Rachel-Thanks. Sorry I missed your call. I’ll check in later.
Charli-I do agree with you when the kids are younger. James is older, now. He is in middle school. He is getting to the age where he needs different things and right now he is yearning to be with his dad. Breaks my heart, but that is how it is. Sniff.
JustMe- My ex clarified the “Who said what”. James wanted more time. My ex suggested the reversal of the arrangement.
In the end, though, it doesn’t really matter to me whose idea is is. James needs and wants his dad more.
Well, both my husband and my ex have made it very clear that I “Have the Power”. Legally, I do. I can do whatever the freak I want with James and unless I got challenged by him in court, my ex would be powerless.
I don’t want that.
I feel so much for him. He longs to be a parent and to have his boy with him. I completely understand. I feel the same way. I have to look at my other son, though. Truly, my ex loves Christopher, too and he doesn’t have to think about him, but he is and the offer to have him spend time over there is heartening. But…(Always the but)
Sharon-You are always one I can count on to defend me, you sweetheart, you. It’s hard to not take this personally. It’s harder simply because I am a girl and frankly? I never really dug spending time with my parents, like, EVER, so I am at a loss for empathy. It just didn’t occur to me. I’m trying, though. I see how important it is, I’m just trying to figure out a way to make everyone satisfied, because frankly? No one will be completely happy no matter which way I choose.
Alison- James does want it. Actually, I think that he has more structure over there (Not that he is being raise by wolves over here, but his step mom is just way more type A than I am. It makes me feel inadequate.)
I am trying to figure out if he wants and needs it badly enough for such a drastic change or not.
I have told him repeatedly not to feel bad about wanting this, but unfortunately, I cannot (Nor do I think I should) minimize the feelings,effects, and consequences this move would have on both he and Christopher. He will have guilt, Christopher will be sad. It’s just a fact that needs to be looked at. That is hard. I wish I could make it go away or have a magical solution to it all, you know?
It’s a delicate balance to try and make him think about all the consequences without making him feel bad. At one point, when we were talking about Christopher he said “Mom, you’re making me feel guilty” and I told him that while that
Jess- It’s true. All of it. That is what is so hard. I firmly believe that young kids need the mom, but he is older. He’s 11 and at the point where he really, really wants and needs his dad. I have to give a lot more weight to what he wants. It just hurts like hell.
Brother-How did you know I needed brotherly counsel? You are the best dad I know, so your opinion matters to me a lot. This will not turn into a big fight, but it would be emotional, because James is having guilt about CHristopher (As I said above). I can’t take that away, sadly. I am trying to just roll with it. If James were a girl, I would know what to do. We would run around in tutu’s and have tea parties with Bernice’s china. I feel lost raising boys. I’m trying, though. I’ll just trust that the crap works itself out. :S
August 9th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
loraleeslooneytunes.com » Shopping, and why it hurts my head. says:
[…] new in the realm of the sucky custody situation. Right now I am just trying to survive the August hell that is otherwise known as back-to-school […]
August 9th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Bridge says:
Oh Lor… I don’t know what to say. I read this the other day and wanted to post a comment, but I really couldn’t put into words what I wanted to say. I still can’t. I can understand how frustrated and upset you must be, and how sad.
I heart you!
/hug
August 9th, 2007 at 10:06 pm
MaryEllen says:
oh my heck! I leave town for a few days and the world started turning a different direction. We need to talk. I am in shock over it all. I can understand it, just do not have to like it. I am so sorry I have not been here. LOve you!
August 9th, 2007 at 10:14 pm
Mr E says:
Dont stress till there is a reason to stress. You are a grand mom and you have done a fantastic job raisin your boys. Just take it slow and try not to freak.
August 12th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
loraleeslooneytunes.com » Random Bullets says:
[…] whole lot of stress and worry has been going on about James. The issue of where he lives may be resolved. (As far as I know. It seems that whenever I think it’s settled, um, […]
August 21st, 2007 at 9:46 am