I’ve written a bit about the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad place I was in a couple years ago after my son died. It was so bad, I checked myself into a hospital for 5 days to see if there was any help to be had for me. There really wasn’t. It just made it worse.
The problem with having something like that in your past (And the even more terrible things that followed) is that you and people around you tend to be very sensitive to changes in mood. “Am I sliding back THERE?”. “Uh, oh. That isn’t a good sign.”. The problem with having that kind of past is that it means I can’t just have really crappy periods of life. I can’t just have a bad time, a down phase, or massive PMS without a little fear that it will end up somewhere else. It sucks. Besides, I hate being “That girl”.  The girl that is sad and twisty and down. I would much rather be fun and witty and vibrant. Unfortunately, I feel about as vibrant as a sewer rat right now. I feel I can’t really be those things without a part of me freaking out inwardly or that people around me will be worried or be avoident or wonder if I’m “Stable”. And they have every right to be. Because once you have something like that in your past? You and those around you are never the same again. You are never *Really* trusted again. You don’t even really trust yourself.
So, it is with trepidation that I say that everything is awful and huge and overwhelming to me right now. I haven’t really slept in weeks, I feel like I’m cracking into a thousand pieces and that I’m buckling under the weight of everything. There is just so much. Too much.
At least that is how it feels to me.
Don’t wig on me; I’m not going to go postal. This has just been coming on for a little bit now and I have been trying to just smile and laugh it away. There have been triggers this past month that are exacerbating the problem, so I really think I just need to try and deal with it before it gets worse. I know that a significant portion of it will go away with my period, sleep, a decent diet and if I can get my life back to its center.
How I cope (Or not) is a mystery to me in many ways. I feel like I have no inner calm, peace or strength to deal right now. It’s weird because I have been in a good place for awhile now and I DON’T want it to go away. (And I don’t think it really has. This is just a small bump, a glich. It will go away) I’ve also handled way more stress than this in my life, but I feel like I have no peaceful, calm core. I feel like just want to go fetal and sob.
The feeling didn’t improve when I hauled my exhausted butt into bed at 2:30 am and remembered that I was supposed to go into work today. I just got back. It’s 4:30 and I’m so tired, but I cannot shut my freaking mind up enough to go to sleep.
You know what really sucks? I can only say just enough to make me feel a tiny bit better. I can’t really vent and speak here like I used to in the naive days when I didn’t think anyone would ever read this silly blog. It’s humiliating enough that I was dumb enough to start this thing with my last name attached to it. Oh, the people that have searched and found me. Got quite a bit more than they were expecting. (And yes, I know. I put it out there. I get enough of this lecture from my husband, so don’t start. I publish the private details of my life on the internet and have boundary issues. I get it.)
Oh, shit. I just need to suck it up and deal. And I will. I have a LOT of really great things in my life. I have just had a great vacation. I have good things coming up. I have a lot I need to get done. My lovely friend, Karen is celebrating her birthday tomorrow and my laundry is almost done. See? I can still see good things, here.
I just needed a place to lay my head down for a minute. I just need to pull my head out, work through it and I’ll be fine.
(Comments are off, darlings. I always feel horrifically stupid after posts like this.)
