**Edit. This post is about my son that died. I realize that this is regurgetation of facts/feelings for a lot of you. Many of you have offered condolences repeatedly. They are ALWAYS welcome, but please, do not feel like you have to keep repeating yourself if you feel like a broken record. I know that you love and care for me and my family but I realize that sometimes all that needs to be said has already. THANK YOU!**
Four years ago, right around this time of the morning, I was at the hospital, completely sick of being in labor and wondering many things.
“I wonder how big he’ll be?”
“I wonder if he’ll be as cute as my other boys?”
“I wonder what he’ll look like?”
“I wonder WHEN THE FREAK THIS WILL BE OVER ALREADY!!!!”
(FYI-When you are in hard labor, the last question usually trumps all the previous ones.)
Matthew was born three weeks early. He was due on June 26th and was born on June 7th. This was done deliberately because I was having a difficult time carrying him and been hospitalized a number of times because of it. All of my children came early, but not by three weeks. I worried about his size. James and Christopher were both in the 6 pound range when they were born, and in all the photos their hospital “Going home” outfits were drowning them. I knew Matthew would be smaller. So, I went out and got a tiny preemie outfit that was adorable and packed it in my bag.
Everyone was placing bets on how bit he would be. I guessed five lbs, but Jonathan had more conviction about his manly genetics and so he guessed 7 lbs.
Matthew weighed 8 lbs. 3 oz and was 20 inches long at three weeks early!!! He would have been 12 lbs if he had been on time!!!!
No wonder I was having such a hard time carrying him! He had red hair and was just huge. I called him my little highland warrior. I loved and adored him immediately. Jonathan was so proud. It was a very happy day for everyone. The following months were happy, productive and some of the best times my family experienced.
I don’t mean to be biased, but he was just the cutest baby. SEE?
I have about a million photos of him munching on his “Sucky thing” because I loved it. I could hang out all day and watch him. I was so happy the 3 months and 16 days that he was here. I cannot believe that he would have been four years old today. Where has the time gone?
I have a lot of people ask me if it has gotten easier as the years go by without my little bug. My answer is a resounding “Yes and No”.
I am still full of wondering questions, many like the ones I pondered on the day he was born.
“I wonder what he would look like now?”
“I wonder if his hair would still be red?”
“I wonder if he is ever here with me?”
“I wonder why this had to happen to him and our family? WHY?”
I have had some really meaningful and deep email exchanges about a mother who lost her baby a few months ago. They have made me reflect on the past a lot this week. I remember what those first months were like- I wanted more than anything to have a remote control to fast forward through all the horrible pain and get to the point where it was bearable. At the same time I didn’t want that pain to die down or go away because that is how you SHOULD feel when your baby dies. It should never abate, never subside because he was that important to me. His loss was that devastating and if the pain went away, somehow it seemed like it would be a slap in the face to how important he was to my life.
Now that some time has passed, I can see the flaws in that argument a little better, but I still hold on to a lot of things regarding Matthew and I still feel scared to let them go. I’m stubborn like that. I hate that so many of my acute memories of him are fading, I have trouble remembering a lot and there are many sleepless nights that I lay in bed desperately trying to recall everything I can. “What time did he used to go down for a nap?” “How often was he eating at the end” “Which outfits were my favorite?” “Did he ever get to see a thunderstorm? I can’t remember!”.
Thankfully, there are some moments that will NEVER go away. How I used to kiss the bridge of his nose, the way he sat in his bouncer on the day he noticed his hands for the first time. How he looked sucking happily on his pacifier and the little noises that come with frustrated pacifier munching and the time he was so desperate to eat when I was out of the shower he latched on to my upper arm and gave me an arm hickey. His brothers holding him, him sleeping on Jon’s chest.
Those memories are mine. Hopefully forever. They are the things that I think about more and more instead of the day that he died. They are the things that I want to remember and focus on and that is getting easier to do.
I am doing better. There is so much more light and hope in my life than there has been in a long time. I am trying. I am looking (Even if it is so cautiously, one tiny millemeter at a time) at ways to be better, happy and to keep moving forward. I get stalled a lot but I am trying. As I said, this is still so hard. It created this HUGE ripple effect that touched, invaded and destroyed and damaged many, many parts of my life in ways I would never have imagined and I have so MUCH fallout that I am still dealing with. There are so many days I just feel overwhelmed, bitter, angry and lost.
BUT.
I think it helps to just be thankful. I don’t do this very well because of my inherent pessimistic attitude, but I’m trying and it happens more and more often .Thankful that he was here at all. Thankful that I got to be his mom. Thankful for all the good things I have left.
I think he’d want it that way.
Happy Birthday, Little Bug. I miss you. I think about you. I love you. Always.
Love,
Momma. 
tj says:
dear llc
it is brave of you to share your innermost feelings. i hope you have peace and comfort
June 7th, 2007 at 11:07 am
applesonastick says:
Big virtual hugs!
Your strength is amazing.
June 7th, 2007 at 11:37 am
Plain Jane says:
Here is a {{hug}} for you. I can not imagine how you feel, as I have never had children, nor lost any.
Here is to your little Highland Warrior!
June 7th, 2007 at 11:44 am
Karen says:
Happy Birthday Matthew, you are loved.
June 7th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
glittersmama says:
That was a beautiful birthday post for your sweet boy. Thank you for sharing with us.
June 7th, 2007 at 12:24 pm
Bridge says:
Happy Bday Bug!!!
June 7th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Alison says:
Happy birthday! He was incredibly cute and you should be so proud! Hugs to you all on this day.
June 7th, 2007 at 2:38 pm
Amber says:
I thought of you the other day when Oprah had a family on that lost their daughter to a drunk driver. Even though they went on, every aspect of their lives is still affected. If the kids were doing an activity together, they would think, “Katie should be here, too.”
I cannot imagine living in this world. I look at my two kids and can’t imagine life without them. You have come a long way and little Matthew was blessed to have you for a short portion of it.
June 7th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
Aunt Amy says:
Did you have to go and make me cry???
Actually, we did have a few Matther moments this week that made me smile and think of his cute red hair and sucky thing. The girls and I were at the park they kept finding ladybugs. Then we went to Linen’s and things and Gigi fell in love with a giant ladybug pillow. And yesterday when I picked Cleo up from school she had a giant construction paper ladybug.
June 7th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
Vanessa says:
I’m sending love to you in your world and to Matthew in his, which I am convinced is parallel to yours and not very far away at all. I think it is wonderful that you are aware of feeling the shift towards focussing on the happier memories and being grateful for them. You are an inspiration.
Vx
June 7th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Chelle says:
Happy birthday, little Bug. You are loved, and so are you, Mamma.
June 7th, 2007 at 5:33 pm
The Brother says:
Bug Rules! So do you …
Life is too short to eat bad tacos! (no one else will get this. Sorry!)
June 7th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
Erika says:
Hey,
Have I ever mentioned that if you ever need to talk, I’m usually on IM?
June 7th, 2007 at 6:56 pm
Little Miss says:
Just wanted you to know that I was here. Reading your post, remembering last year’s post so vividly–
lots of love to you and little bug with his “soothie” (that’s what those big sucky things are called)
xxoo
June 7th, 2007 at 9:35 pm
Sharon says:
That was a lovely tribute to Matthew.
Our son would have been 38 this coming September.
It does get easier with time, but the pain is always there.
I treasure the two children we now have, they were each 7 weeks old when we adopted them.
Matthew knows how much you loved him and miss him…
June 7th, 2007 at 9:55 pm
macpipergirl says:
Flo - I love you. You are one strong, wonderful lady - “Lady Choate”. Happy Birthday Matthew.
June 7th, 2007 at 10:26 pm
Amber says:
I don’t think I’ve ever responded to any of your posts about Matthew. Because I listen when people are hurting. Just listen. I’m better at that than at saying anything, but because in the blog world just listening seems a lot like not being supportive, I’m going to say something, even if it might not come out quite right. So here’s what I always think when I read these posts: You amaze me. The fact that you experienced what you did and are here today, able to live and laugh is amazing. Your strength is amazing.
Also, I think that Matthew was very cute.
June 7th, 2007 at 10:32 pm
holli says:
That’s the first picture of Matthew I’ve seen, so I’m not repeating information… Matthew was a doll.
I’m read you’re blog and I can feel so much pain between the lines - not just on this topic but on some others. I’m glad things are getting better. People with huge hearts have more to heal. I think you’re an extremely intelligent, wonderful, beautiful, emotional human being who is amazingly strong. People who don’t think much or feel much - seem to get by easier.. But I don’t think they’ve lived as much in the end.
I’m sure I’m not making sense but I know what I mean - dammit!
Hugs and Love.
June 7th, 2007 at 11:04 pm
coolbeans says:
Happy Birthday, Matthew.
I hope the day was gentle with you, Loralee.
June 8th, 2007 at 12:40 am
Jill - GlossyVeneer says:
That was beautiful and I’m so glad you shared it with all of us.
June 8th, 2007 at 9:22 am
Shannon says:
I’m thinking of you.
And you are totally right…what a cutie!
June 8th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
katie says:
he was the cutest kid ever! im not gonna lie. i love him so much. and i know i wonder about those same things, and it was hard enough for me to lose him i dont know how you did it lo. you are freaking amazing! i can tell you that much!
p.s. i am almost done with his quilt…i know its been forever…sorry
June 9th, 2007 at 11:41 am
loralee says:
Thank you so much everyone. You are all beyond sweet and thoughtful. Truly.
I am really not trying to single people out, but I am flying out the door and there are a couple of things for some of you:
Amber-I’m so glad you talked. It means a lot every time you do!
Erika-That would actually be lovely. Is your info on your blog?
Erin-ACK! Ladies of Lallybroch! I actually ALMOST forgot that!!!!!!!
June 9th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
loralee says:
Katie-You’re a sweetheart for making it at all. Don’t stress it.
June 9th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
hairyshoefairy says:
Happy Birthday little Bug!
June 10th, 2007 at 7:37 pm
Penguin says:
Nothing wrong with talking about those you have loved and lost. You are a damned wonderful woman!
June 11th, 2007 at 6:30 am