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Mow me down.

April 30, 2007 By 15 Comments

My yard looks like the depths of hell. This would be because my riding lawnmower (Which I love) broke down (Which I do NOT love). This means that we had to load the thing on a trailer to have it fixed. It needs a new carborater. It isn’t a cheap repair, either.

If it weren’t bad enough that I have to live in fear of losing one or both of my children in the jungle of crabgrass that masquerades as my front lawn, the story takes a much, much, MUCH more annoying twist when you add my neighbors to the equation.

I have written about them before, and not in the far too distant past, either. Two years ago, the wife came over and asked if she could use our riding mower to cut their grass because their lawnmower was broken. She said that she would fill it up with gasoline and take good care it. I decided to follow State Farm’s example and like I good neighbor, I was there and let her use it.

That would be mistake #1.

About 3 weeks later, she knocked on the door and said that she left the key in the mower. I just blinked at her.
“Oh, your husband said that I could just use your mower to cut the grass as long as we put gas in it.”

Blink.

Blink!

BLINK!!

Uh. I was like, very unhappy with my spouse n’ stuff.

He said that he felt backed into a corner and that if they mowed a big portion of our backyard and paid for the gas, what was the harm. What was the harm?? Uh, try that he doesn’t have to deal with her and him and crap about the lawn and the lawn mower all.the.freaking.time!!!

See, the thing is, I like cutting my lawn. I love riding around like Forrest Gump on my riding lawnmower. It makes me happy. It makes me feel accomplished to cut my massive expanse of lawn into a orderly pattern (Ok, it isn’t THAT orderly, this is me we are talking about. It’s orderly enough, OK? Geesh!). I like the warm seat and the vibrations feel good on my lower back. It is a chore that I like to do.

What I don’t like is getting bitched at about moving my trampoline/swing set/picnic table when SHE wants to mow the lawn. It drives me freaking nutso. I am also pissed off because I feel Jon got us into the situation, he should get us OUT OF IT. Not me. I have to deal with them all the time as it is, I do not need this aggrevation.

Today, as I was struggling to re-texture and paint my bathroom (Finally), she came to my door. I was sweaty, smelly and covered head to toe in bareback beige paint and splattered with texture paste. She started going off about my mower: “When will it be done?” “Well, the yard looks pretty bad.” “I’m sorry to bother you, but my husband really wants our lawn mowed because it saves us $40 off our rent” and blah, blah, blah.

I told her it was at the mechanics. I told her the mechanic was doing it as a favor to us. I told her it needed a new carborator and I also told her I had NO FREAKING IDEA WHEN IT WOULD BE DONE. Somehow it still didn’t sink in until I told her that another 4 or 5 times.

She finally left and I went to go stick a fork in my eye.

I want them to decide if they are plowing my house down to put a road through it so that I can move.

Sigh.

Filed Under: Bitching, Frustration, Suck 15 Comments

Take foot. Insert in mouth.

April 29, 2007 By 23 Comments

I’m a talker. I talk a lot. I also talk FAST. It can really get me into trouble and I can be totally RUDE at times, like not allowing others to get a darn word in edgewise or cutting them off mid-sentence. ARG! The rudeness. I have gotten better at it but me and my yapper embarrass me on a regular basis.

Don’t just go blaming my mouth, either. My brain has quite a bit to do with the disasters that occur. My mind goes about 15 billion MPH. It actually goes much, much faster than my mouth. In fact, when I am saying something my mind is already about six paces ahead of the comment.

At any given moment I am usually thinking about multiple things. I know, this is not unusual at all for a lot of people, (Especially women) but my thought patterns are not pretty and linear like a super highway where multiple lanes twist and curve beautifully together. No, the way my mind and thought patterns process themselves more closely resemble a big jumble of tangled up yarn at the bottom of the yarn basket. It isn’t even just a tangle of yarn, either. The mass also contains a few random knitting needles, stray AA batteries, and probably some Cheeto crumbs sticking to the yarn fuzz. It can be pretty difficult to follow my conversations sometimes. Those who can are to be applauded or institutionalized, I’m not sure which.

Case in point: I was having a delightful conversation with my friend, Michelle. While it is great to have friends that complement your personality because they are different, it is also REALLY nice to have a friend that is a lot like you as well. So, I was going on about how much she would like a friend of mine and how similar they were. Now, in MY head I had a list of things like “They are both very organized, a bit type “A”, accomplished, logical and disciplined. They are both also really funny, tons of fun and appreciate kooky people that are very different from themselves (Which is why they can tolerate me.). I find that it is a bit rare to have these qualities co-exist in a person.

Those are the thoughts I was trying to get across.

Wanna know what came out of my mouth?

“You would totally like this girl, Chelle! She has a great sense of humor and she manages to be amazing without being annoying. She’s on-the-ball, organized, disciplined and logical. Really she is just so much like you except she’s really fun.”

Yah, I’m awesome like that.

I wanted to crawl in a hole and die, but luckily for me and my lame-o mouth, Chelle has a great sense of humor and thought it was hilarious.

Please tell me that other people have said spectacularly stupid things and I’m not alone in my suckiness?

Filed Under: Friends, Snippets, Stupidity 23 Comments

The never ending list..

April 27, 2007 By 17 Comments
  1. FIGURE OUT WHY MY GOOGLE ACCOUNT WON’T LET ME COMMENT ON BLOGGER BLOGS!!!!!
  2. Reframe and hang daisy photograph by Bridgy in kitchen.
  3. Sort all socks.
  4. Sort through kids clothes and purge all clothing with frayed ends, holes, stains, and that are too small.
  5. Write email to Cricket about the specifics of blogging and why the world would be a much better place if she had one. Hold her if she is scared
  6. Tweeze eyebrows so I don’t get confused with Burt from Sesame Street.
  7. Buy milk.
  8. Go console Christopher that despite ordering “Eragon” on PPV on accident,having his chocolate milk stolen, getting pushed down the slide and knocking over my bathroom tower and cracking it in half, these are not truly “The most miserable days of his life”. It just feels that way.
  9. Find miserable bully who shoved my son down the slide and kick his ASS. (Ok, I won’t actually do that. I just want to.)
  10. Mop floors.
  11. Remove the PLASTIC CAULK that I filled three billion cracks, nail holes and dings in the bathroom with instead of spackle so that this damn remodel project can be finished.
  12. Hang mirror in bathroom so that I stop looking like a cross between a sheep dog and someone who has just removed their “Protective Helmet”.
  13. Take cable box back to Comcast.
  14. Call Chelle, Bridgy, Karen, Thingy, Mom, Mary Ellen, Brian and Linny.
  15. Ask Teresa if she received my “Monday” ecard last week.
  16. Send Kerfloppy thank you box.
  17. Before sending Kerfloppy aforementioned “Thank you box” actually think up some creative and/or cool things to put in box that avoid the following things: Sugar, Windows products and the font ‘Comic Sans’.
  18. Pay payment on speeding ticket to avoid incarceration in the Cache County Jail for 10 days. Somehow I suspect that I just wouldn’t do well on “The inside“.
  19. Look for towels for the bathroom project that will never end.
  20. Put about a billion pounds of roundup on the weeds threatening a coup d’État in the back yard.
  21. Play night with the girls.
  22. Figure out what is wrong with my online banking account.
  23. Get my increasingly hefty bottom to the freaking gym on a regular basis!!!!
  24. Sign boys up for summer lessons.
  25. Start looking for a new piano since there was a mixup in communication and my MIL gave ours away. :(
  26. Start making video for parent’s 50th wedding anniversary. Threaten to burn and destroy it and their house and dog if they insist on making me sing “Wind Beneath My Wings”.
  27. PEDICURE.
  28. Do not subject innocent people to needless horror by wearing sandals/flip flops until the above occurs.
  29. Haul riding lawnmower to the shop to get fixed.Bitchslap neighbor who came over to tell me my lawn needed mowing.
  30. MOW THE JUNGLE IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE.
  31. Buy a billion more bags of red cedar chips.
  32. Finish weeding flower beds.
  33. See “Hot Fuzz”.
  34. Find someone to bitch to that my mother is forcing me to go to the family reunion this year by holding me hostage emotionally. See if telling her I am a lesbian will get her to stop. (I don’t know, it seems to work for my sister. Grin.)
  35. Call mom and tell her that she was quoted in the paper about the road going through my property and that it sounded great.
  36. Beg someone, anyone to give me a massage.
  37. Clean out car.
  38. Pick up license plates from dealership.
  39. Start planning Jonathan’s birthday.
  40. Refrain from going near, around or INTO “Sweetly Divine” bakery.
  41. Get antique mirror back from father and tell him that I noticed and that NO, he cannot have it “Back”.
  42. Paint bathroom.
  43. Try to get James a haircut that doesn’t make him resemble Howdy Doody.
  44. Find the lens to my eyeglasses so I don’t have to keep one eye closed while trying to watch “Dr. Phil”.
  45. Stop watching Dr. Phil. And Dog the Bounty Hunter. And Days of our Lives. (I KNOW. THE SHAME).
  46. See if phone is dried out and FUBAR’d after dropping it down the stairs and talking to Chelle while in the shower.
  47. Plan really “Great Evening” for Jon if the above does not have favorable results.
  48. Try to fall asleep before 1 am.
  49. Don’t dream have nightmares about Dr. Phil. Or Medusa from “The Rescuers”. Or Hippies.
  50. Attempt to become less long-winded. (Great start, doncha think?)
Filed Under: Every Day, lists 17 Comments