I can’t describe the torture it was. I love my parents, but truly, talking about my afternoon there is too painful!
When I finally had my dad drop me off, I was so relieved because frankly, I had to pee like a racehorse all the way home. In fact, I made a little song of it in my head to the tune of Beethovan’s 5th:
“I have to pee…I have to pee…I have to pee, I have to pee, I have to pee…. I have to pee, I have to pee I have to pee….I have to pee (I have to pee), I have to pee (I have to pee), I have to, HAVE. TO. PEE!”
The front door was locked.
The back door was locked.
The porch window was locked.
Oh. My. HELL.
THIS IS WHY I NEVER LOCK ANYTHING!!!!!!!!
I always get locked out. The last time I locked myself out of somewhere I had to climb through a window in the middle of the night and I broke my toe. I called Jon to rescue me. He was 20 minutes away and I NEEDED TO PEE. I turned on my IPOD and tried to meditate and take my mind off my tortured kidneys and bladder.
My IPOD battery died.
So, I took out my cell phone and called my sister to talk and pass the time.
My cell phone battery died.
SO, I took out a pen and an old reciept to make a TO DO list of things to get done before 5 o’clock today.
My pen ran out of ink.
Luckily, it was about that time that Jonathan arrived with the keys to unlock the door. At this point I was really tempted to say, “That one burned down, fell over and then it sank into the swamp, but the forth one stayed UP!”
After I used the ladies room, I tried on “THE DRESS”.
It looks pretty nice. I love the color-I wanted something unusual and it is perfect. My arms look better than I thought they would. MUCH better than they did (Though they could be way more toned still). I think that the alterations are perfect. She was able to fit it so I won’t have to wear a bra. That was my preference because it is just another constrictive layer to have to breathe through, anyway.
For those who don’t know, I have the world’s biggest freaking ribcage. It is partially what enables me to have such a powerful voice, but it also tends to make me look like a guy without a waist.
It’s a pity.
It has always made finding dresses a bit of a frustration. Add boobs to that equation, and the difficulty increases. This dress, for example: It fit beautifully in the waist in my normal size, but there was NO FREAKING WAY that sucker was zipping up all the way.
Well, I might have gotten it to work, but it would have needed a corset and would have resembled a scene from “Gone With the Wind” where Mammy is chastising Scarlett for “Eating like a field hand and Gobbling like a hog.” while pulling on her corset strings for dear life. And Scarlett had a TWENTY INCH WAIST! In my case there would probably be exclamations of “I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no babies!”
Where was I?
Oh, alterations.
In the end, I bought the next size up and had it altered. I think she did a good job. It is going to look great on opening night. Which is in THREE DAYS.
It is all starting to be frighteningly real.
Aspen says:
GORGEOUS dress
March 20th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
Karen says:
For the love of all things holy, go use my toilet!
March 20th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
Bridge says:
HOT! You are going to look HOT! HEHE. You could have just used your back yard and let the entire elementery school see you pee. Talk about education. /wink
March 20th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
Loralee Choate says:
Oh, yah. I forgot about your bathroom in my basement.
I think I have definately been hit one too many times with the stupid stick.
Duh.
March 20th, 2007 at 9:26 pm
gradschoolknitter says:
you are going to do AWESOME! And the dress is going to look hot. I love the colour.
March 20th, 2007 at 9:33 pm
Loralee says:
Oh my hell. Your “Pee Song” had me LMAO. Had tears in my eyes.
You funny girl you!
The dress is drop dead GORGEOUS!
To die for. You are so going to kick ass and look stunning doing it. Yay!
March 20th, 2007 at 9:46 pm
Tim says:
Rubik…..You go!
March 20th, 2007 at 9:53 pm
Alex says:
No bra? You’re so gonna pull a Lucy Lawless!
Make sure someone video tapes the event.
March 20th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Jill - GlossyVeneer says:
That dress is awesome! And I can’t believe that all of those things happened when you were locked out and in desperate need of a toilet. In fact, the story is making me have to pee a little… Must go now!
March 20th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Craig says:
Yeah, you should have used the backyard. Or your neighbors front yard.
March 20th, 2007 at 10:42 pm
Loralee says:
You know, you could’ve peed in the neighbor’s car and then blamed it on their little girl.
“Oh, she must be bored with the permanant marker.”
Grin. >: )
March 20th, 2007 at 11:12 pm
Rachael says:
Oh my gosh! Your dress is so pretty! You will look like a princess! I am excited to see the whole thing!
PeeS~ When your CD comes out be sure to include the “Pee Song”.
March 20th, 2007 at 11:30 pm
Charli says:
Oh, I like the pee on the neighbors, err, I mean on the neighbor’s car and/or property idea. You should do it just for kicks and giggles.
I’ll come by this fall and we can pee on the toys their daughter leaves outside
I would be suprised if you couldn’t get Bridge to help you out with that, actually…
March 20th, 2007 at 11:48 pm
Occidental Girl says:
The dress is gorgeous! Love that color.
Congratulations on your upcoming performance and sounding great and meeting people. Cool!
March 21st, 2007 at 12:40 am
Sharon says:
Lovely dress! You are going to look SO wonderful!!!
March 21st, 2007 at 1:09 am
SparklieSunShine says:
Okay, The song? I dissolved into a fit of giggles.
The dress? Breathtaking. You are going to blow them away.
March 21st, 2007 at 1:50 am
Alecia says:
Oh my God, that is a beautiful dress! And you look awesome in it! (ok, I can’t see your head, but I already know you’re pretty so I’m sure the whole package looks great.)
March 21st, 2007 at 2:36 am
Amber says:
I have a solution to your predicament: a portable potty. I have instituted one for my daughter in the back of my car in case of emergencies. I’d gladly lend it out. I just can’t stand the thought of you composing another symphony about pee…
P.S. Gorgeous dress!
March 21st, 2007 at 2:42 am
hollibobolli says:
I can see the color looking amazing on you.
I totally would have had to pee in the backyard. That being said, my backyard opens to our park - which opens to all of our other neighbors backyards.. so that probably isn’t a good idea.
March 21st, 2007 at 6:24 am
Alicia says:
I sang the pee song in my head. Now, whenever I have to pee, I’m going to sing it, too, just to get my point across.
And I have a freakishly large ribcage, too. And wide shoulders (years of throwing shotput and discus, I suppose), and I have huge boobs. Nice huge boobs, but huge nonetheless. You can’t mistake me for a man, but purchasing any tops or dresses is hell. I had to buy my wedding dress one size larger and get it altered down because my boobs wouldn’t fit into the dress that fit my waist. I really shouldn’t complain, though. the dress looked great.
You know what’s worst for me? T-shirts. I look like an idiot in them. Everything has to be fitted somehow. Or really big, and then I look like a man.
Yup, just talked at great length about my boobs. Was I able to distract you even for a little?
P.S. Glad to hear I have an Ibuprophen-free blogger-sister, though I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. How do you manage it? Lots of Tylenol? They’re talking about putting me on steroids to control the pericarditis. Blech.
March 21st, 2007 at 1:39 pm
Alicia says:
Sorry, talking publicly about my boobs made me forget to tell you that I love, love, love your dress. And your arms look great. And you’re going to do fabulously. Is anyone going to record it?
March 21st, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Waspgoddess says:
What a glorious dress. And what do you mean big ribcage, you look postively sylph-like.
March 21st, 2007 at 5:38 pm
hairyshoefairy says:
Gorgeous color. Gorgeous dress. Gorgeous voice. Gorgeous woman.
Simply beautiful!
Last time I was locked out I was huge at 8 1/2 months preggo and had to climb up and over my balcony to get in. Tiring, humiliating, and probably not so good for my not-yet-born babe. And did I mention that everyone who passed by stopped and stared.
March 21st, 2007 at 5:55 pm
Beekie says:
That’s really gorgeous Lo! You look like you’ve lost some weight!
March 21st, 2007 at 9:44 pm
Amber says:
That dress is BEEautiful! Good luck!
Remember to go potty first.
March 21st, 2007 at 11:44 pm
Pink Drama says:
**giggle, giggle, snort, snort**
ooooh, mommy, look at the pwetty dwess that wady hath on.
March 22nd, 2007 at 6:36 pm
Rachel says:
Hi, it’s just me checking out some of your archived posts in the middle of the night. I seriously LMAO over your pee song and the Gone With the Wind reference (which always warms my heart.) :o)
August 4th, 2007 at 3:33 am