Like I do every single time I have ever worked with a large group of proficient musicians, I think “What the HELL am I doing with all of these people?? They made a mistake. I should NOT be here”.
My fear was amplified by the fact that I am the youngest soloist: 60, 57, 43 and 32. Trust me, the older you are in this kind of performance the better. Mainly because it is freaking hard music and solo roles aren’t usually trusted to the young. (Not that I am THAT young, but I am in this crowd.) I am also the only person that doesn’t hold an advanced music degree and who has never held a faculty music position.
We all had to do interviews for the media and it put me in an unsettled state. I always sound like the biggest dork when I’m quoted. Hopefully, they won’t use anything I had to say.
The orchestra is without a doubt, the best voluteer orchestra I have ever worked with before. Every single one of them could sight read this perfectly. They are better than some paid orchestras I’ve worked with.
That didn’t make it easier.
Before we went on, I could FEEL the soprano sizing me up. I overheard her say,”She looks…young.”.
I probably didn’t help matters by wearing my hair in pigtails.
Oh, dear.
She is a professor at a huge university and drove a long way to come to rehearse. With little ole’ me.
I kept desperately trying to tell myself that I had good training. I have worked my ass off for this moment every.single.day for months and that I was one of two full scholarships in my department, I have worked in stellar halls and with world-class orchestras AND HELD MY OWN. Anything to give me confidence when I got in front of that orchestra.
I. CAN. DO. THIS.
Then the phlegm started.
Whenever I do any kind of significant performance, I became almost paralyzed with F-E-A-R.
It isn’t just “Oh, I’m scared.” If that were all it was, I could just tell it to go the hell away and be done with it. The problem with fear and the singer is that it can totally screw with your body physiologically. In my case, it is reminiscent of anaphalaxtic shock: My throat starts constricting, I start to produce phlegm, and then I start to compulsively clear my throat and my breathing gets labored and sticky. Once this happens I have to consciously fight to get control of everything or it can lead to severe edema of the larynx, which causes hoarseness and turns your ability to phonate a decent sound into CRAP-O-LA.
I have a battery of things I do in my head to make me brave and to help alleviate the symptoms of stage fright. I had to use every single one of them because I sat waiting for my turn for almost an hour and a half. It didn’t help that I had to go after the tenor, who is freaking AMAZING and has the best role.
Know what, though?
I was fine. In fact, I was better than fine. I was good.
It takes a lot for me to say that, so please don’t think this is me and a huge ego. I was just proud of my performance, and that is rare for me. I hope I can do it when it counts.
After going over all my roles and finishing the polish on my duet with the soprano (Who has an amazing ring in her high tones, but is r-e-a-l-l-y stiff to watch) pulled me aside and said, “It will be an honor working with you.”
I was a bit speechless and stammered out a lame reply:
“I actually wish I could be the soprano in this piece. Mezzos and basses always sort of feel like the red-headed stepchild next to the soprano and the tenor.”
“Don’t you DARE my dear. People kill for voices like yours. You are a true, rich, gorgeous, Alto and those are scarcer than you can imagine.”
WOW.
Later, the conductor’s wife told me that she talked to her during my entire run through and reprised the same thing. She was amazed I was just a housewife that sometimes sings in the shower and walked away from a career.
So am I, sometimes. I know it wouldn’t have been my true happiness, though. I have the life I wanted. I am pretty content with it. It is just nice to be given the chance to shine and feel like there is something I can do very well, that is very rare and have the occasional opportunity to dress up and live the life I walked away from for a few magical evenings.
You can’t ask for more than that.
Sharon says:
I am SO happy that it is working out for you!!! And good for that soprano to TELL you how good you were!
You are so fortunate to have such a wonderful gift as your incredible voice. And to be able to share it with others…
Will there be a video for us?
March 19th, 2007 at 3:59 am
Rachael says:
You are so amazing! I can’t wait until next week! Not only is your voice incredible, but you will be the hottest thing there! Way to Go!
Ha ha, I even get to ride your coat tails, by saying I know you! Life is Great!
March 19th, 2007 at 4:08 am
Beekie says:
Of course you did well. You effin’ rock! I’m even more sorry that I called while you were there. I’m sure that didn’t help much with the nerves. Again, really sorry.
So when is the Messiah performance? I’m sure you’ve already mentioned it but I don’t remember. It’d be cool if it was around when I was there. It’s been years since I’ve seen you perform.
March 19th, 2007 at 4:13 am
Beekie says:
PS - I blogged for you. That’s how much I love you. yupyup.
March 19th, 2007 at 4:14 am
glittersmama says:
Hooray for shower-singing housewives! And you look super skinny in that picture–all your treadmill hell must be paying off.
March 19th, 2007 at 4:47 am
Charli says:
I am so happy for you! This must have just made your day,no, your WEEK! Us “just housewives” give up a lot to be the kind of happy that really counts.
March 19th, 2007 at 5:01 am
girlfriday says:
so very pleased that it went so well. go you.
March 19th, 2007 at 5:48 am
hairyshoefairy says:
Squee!! I’m so excited for you! It such an amazing experience! Duh, you already know that. Hmm, have I mentioned how incredibly jealous I am that I can’t be there? Very. You’re amazing and I’m thrilled to pieces for you. Sing your heart out babe!
And I ditto glittersmama. Hooray for shower-singing housewives! You know I’m one, too.
March 19th, 2007 at 6:48 am
Waspgoddess says:
Wow, you’re awesome. Congratulations on all the great comments.
I have no voice at all, but suffer from a constricting throat problem whenever I have to do a presentation, even when I know my stuff inside out. I don’t get any phlegm, my voice just weaker and weaker until it disappears. It’s awful.
March 19th, 2007 at 10:52 am
Vanessa says:
wow! your description here was making ME feel nervous!
I’m SO glad it went well, Loralee
You rock and I just KNOW you’ll pull it off excellently when it counts.
Vxxx
March 19th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
SparklieSunShine says:
That is amazing!! I am so happy for you. I can’t wait to hear all about the preformance.
I’m also with Sharon on the video thing. That would be awesome.
March 19th, 2007 at 12:49 pm
Amber says:
How wonderful! Though I must say the events leading up to your performance are exactly why I don’t sing publicly.
Oh yeah, and because I suck.
March 19th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Bridge says:
I can’t wait to hear you!
March 19th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
Mark says:
Hot damn, Loralee. High praise.
As a bass I can confirm that you’re right about altos and basses next to sopranos and tenors. They provide the show, and their voices can cut right through ours. For instance, in the show I just finished I did a duet with the leading lady, who was a soprano. The final note was, for me, a high note at full volume. The same final note was, for her, mid-range. She easily covered my sound–and I have the biggest voice in Bemidji.
They give the exciting brilliance in the show; we give it the color.
I hope.
March 19th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
holli says:
I’m glad you rocked. And I’m even more excited that you did it in pigtails. I get endless crap from my mother for wearing them.
One point for the corkers.
Boom.
March 20th, 2007 at 3:37 am
Little Miss says:
total snaps! I envy your voice (and your looks and your talent, and…and…and…)
; )
can’t wait to read more! I’m totally stoked for ya-
March 20th, 2007 at 4:57 am
Doug says:
Aw, congrats! I would love to do something like this, but my singing voice is suspect to say the least. During a radio class I once sang on air.
My prof told me never to do it again
March 20th, 2007 at 5:30 am
Loralee says:
You will so totally rock the house on opening night. Come on. You know you will.
It’s so wonderful to hear praise from people that you respect and admire. You go girl!
March 20th, 2007 at 6:25 am
Pink Drama says:
kewl! way to show ‘em just who the redheaded stepchild is! yay for the redhead in pigtails!
always remember - appearances can be deceiving, use this to your advantage. works all the time.
March 20th, 2007 at 2:09 pm