I have SO been putting off this post. Actually, I was never going to write this post AT ALL, but then Karen decided to give me a gift of such creativity, such cunning, such “Oh, my HELL I am laughing so hard that I think all the ear wax in my ear canal just melted”, that I am now FORCED to write about the thing I swore never, never EVER to speak about here.
Pay attention boys and girls, because this is the one, the only, the LAST time you will ever hear this subject matter on the pages of Looney Tunes.
Ready?
POOP.
There! I freaking SAID IT.
I hate this subject more than any other. I hate bathroom humor. Let me repeat that for those who may have missed it:
I HATE BATHROOM HUMOR.
Or bathroom discussions, or even the WORD, “Poop” or “Pooping” or any of it’s derivatives when clearly referring to a bodily function. The most I can get myself to utter is “Excrement” and “Defecating”. MAYBE.
I like to take the side of the anally conservative and pretend that humans really don’t have bowel movements. Yes, bowel movements are just a vast, left-wing conspiracy. Damn Hippies.
So, why would my friend Karen be giving me any kind of gift relating to this foul human necessity, you ask?
Well, this has taken me a very long time to tell even my close friends and a few family. I suppose that I had to come clean about some of it because of the misconceptions that I have cancer. Thanks for all the emails and stuff, but it’s not a tumor. I just have a bunch of health stuff going on that has been plauging me for awhile.
There are quite a few issues of this-affects-that, and so on. Think of my body like my van-Everything goes to hell all at once.
Um…Er…One of this issues is that I have a bowel obstruction high up in my upper intestine. It is very, very, VERY stubborn and is causing me a lot of grief and problems. I am doing everything I can, my body is just being it’s bitchy self. I’m sure if I up my credit limit and buy it some new shoes, it will stop pouting and cooperate.
DO NOT WORRY ABOUT ME. I have been in and out of the hospital, seen every doctor I need to and I am sure that all the issues I have will be just fine in the end, I just need more time. I have decent doctors and my friends have been very….Um…supportive…N’ stuff…
After getting Karen’s gift, I decided it was so over the top and of such magnitude, I will just say, “Screw it! I am going to embrace the poo. (Or lack, thereof.).
Must be some freaking amazing gift, right?
YUP.
JUST LAUGH,I DO!
You’ll have to excuse me now. I laughed so hard that I think I perforated my colon. I need to go find a BandAid.
What? We’re out?
Eh. That’s ok. I just got a box of Maxi pads at Wal-Mart.
Filed under: 
This is how I find out that you have been in the hospital with a bowel obstruction????
Communication in our family is nonexistent.
On another note, Karen kills me. Great book.
linny
My husband makes fun of my poos. He loves to discuss his bowel movements. We are a sick little family.
ps- check your e-mail!
The “Damn Hippies” made me inhale chive cream cheease and whole gain bagel up my nose.
Whole grain bagels have lots of fiber.
Those things are no fun. I hope everything is ok.
K–
That was really poorly spelled because I was laughing. I did notice that the “Whole GAIN” bagel, would be pretty perfect for you!
oh my hell lo lo…..u just cease to amaze me. You are so out of control! Why do i adore and love u so much…well this is why…u are truly my sparkling diamond! i’ll brings prunes over next time as a house warming gift!
heeee… the video turned out great and how happy am I that I caused you to write about the taboo “poop” on your blog!
What can I say…I’m sorry you are having medical problems… and you have the most understanding, wonderful friends and family EVER!!!!
I had to stop laughing before I could type this…
Get better, little camper!
That is such a “bummer”….I’m sorry…I couldn’t resist. I sent you something in the mail…keep your eyes open….XXOO
Okay,
There has been an unusal amount of “plumbing talk” going on around here. All your single male readers are getting to see the real life of a married housewife with children.
Guys, everything you have heard about marriage is true, welcome to the other side of the veil!
Just so you know, I am half tempted to put you on our prayer line at church.
“Please pray for LDS Loralee from Utah that she can finally poo. And pray that she can accept the fact that everyone poops, even the Osmond’s, even though theirs does not stink.”
That ought to raise a few eyebrows.
:)
Lo,
What an honor to be a part of the poop book, I knew that those pictures would come back to haunt me. But I guess if they are going to be used what better way? Good Job Karen, I’m Very Impressed! Oh and yes Lo, everyone does poo, and hopefully you can join the rankes someday too. It’s a great part of life!
OMFG… DAVID…
I was there when Lor read this book… and I didn’t laugh half as hard then reading your comment about putting loralee in you prayer groups prayers so she can poop… LIKE THE OSMONDS… even though theirs doesn’t stink? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I had my headphones on watching this in the middle of the bookstore. I think I was laughing much louder than I though I was because people kept looking at me strange. I could do nothing about it because that is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. This must be #1 in August’s top 5’s!
Loralee, everyone DOES poop, but it also find it yuk. I am glad you survived reading the book and hope you are doing ok. I am glad that we know more about why you’ve been looking so sick. Get well!
Kris
Due to the offensive nature of this subject, i’m unable to comment, except to say–WHO THE HELL PUT MY PICTURE IN THAT!!! I DO NOT POOP!
OMG! I’m stuck with dial-up but I waited out the down load….it was sooooo worth it! You have AMAZING friends, Loralee! That was so funny. They really love you…..
My face and stomach hurt from laughing. You did a brilliant job posting about it. It will totally make my week.
Chelle
Amy, perhaps I took to large of a liberty liberty in saying that you poop… you simply evacuate your bowels.
I am sooo quoting Zac! Its too good not to!
“Oh and yes Lo, everyone does poo, and hopefully you can join the rankes someday too”
Zac, you’re a poet (did you know it?!)
Also, Loralee is right- you ARE such a cutie! You know, I’m only 23….you should call me. Just kidding- I am an overweight, married 23 year old mother. If I decide to ditch the hubby and some weight, I will soooo give you a call… you’re an R.M., right? Soooo my type! Hee hee!
I’m sorry I missed that night! I was the only one with advanced knowledge of the book, and I couldn’t wait to see your reaction. I was a tad backed up at the time, though, so…I’ll leave it there… Great video…even on DIAL-UP! (Yeah, I need cable, it’s true.)
I want to ask a question about the comparison of your body to your van. Is your body authourized to transport 7 people by the DOT? Do you have seat belts installed? What is your resale value like? Just in case we need to have you get a tune up. Are you insured and will I need tools to fix you? just a few things on my mind today. Take your time to answer. I’ll be in the bathroom waiting for and answer.
mr. e
argh… how come I had to come across this when YouTube is down… I guess I’ll have to watch it in the morning.
Get better quickly!
AAAAAAAAAAAH… too funny… except for some reason I cried through the whole thing… I think it was the choice of music. Didn’t I tell you people no sad music this week?!
well, if that ain’t da shit.
Glad you are feeling better.
BTW, my husband has an elongated distressed colon. No obstruction, but nasty pain and lots of metamucil.
I have no words of wisdom for you, just love and hugs.
Um, you do remember that I think you are terriff and you have my love, right?
Dear Loralee (LL),
I heard about your problem, and was racking my brain for a way to show my support. Well, nothing inspires success like success, so I was hoping this would motivate you. Go for the gold, baby!
-Alex
P.s. DO NOT open that link at work, school, the library, while eating, while suffering from mild nausea, or where anyone else is, has been, or ever will be. You have been warned!
Holy crap, that’s funny.
I’ve given that book to many of my nieces and nephews… :-)
I think that was you asking me to marry you and I think my answer would be yes.
OMG! ME TOO!!!!
My friends once tried to get me to read that book out loud in the flippin’ book store! Ummm….NO!
I also completely adored that movie. So hilarious. The song? Ahahahaha! You are killing me.
Thanks for making me feel like less of a complete nut job.
:)
You are wonderful.
[...] little I can handle talking about “bathroom issues”? It’s definitely something Loralee and I have in common. I’m blushing just typing about this! However, it’s something that [...]