loraleeslooneytunes.com

This was a work in progress. I had NO idea where it would lead. I have compiled it in one long read so you can follow this unbelievable testament of God’s love from beginning to end.

_____________

Due to the OVERWHELMING response and traffic of this post (500,000 and counting by day 2), and after MUCH prayer and consideration, I am going to post the full story of my experience at the bottom of this post from beginning to its (thankfully) beautiful end.  I originally wrote the whole thing out after my Bishop urged me to do so. I was impressed to share it with my closest friend and family and so it is addressed to them. It is long. It is detailed. It is mind blowing. And for many of you, it may be unbelievable. But I have had utter and powerful confirmation again and again that what I am about to say is the truth and it is the will of heaven that I share it unto all nations, tongues and people.  As far and as wide as possible. I don’t care how I am perceived. I have utter assurance that the sword of God is bracing up my courage. I thought about editing the format, but I decided to leave it. You need to feel how utterly choice and of worth those that are close to me are and how essential it is they walk this path with me. This is NOT a story just for Mormons. (There IS a lot of Mormon reference here, though. If you are unfamiliar with my religion and wish to know more, please go to lds.org or mormon.org. I will also GLADLY mail you a Book of Mormon if you feel uncomfortable requesting one from the church. You can email me with any questions: loraleechoate(At)gmail. Please hear this with an open heart. It is for ALL that wish to see how the power of God can change even the most damaged, weak and sinful in ONE BLINK OF AN EYE.  This is not a work of ME, but a work of the great I AM.  Share it. Shout it. ROAR IT TO THE WORLD.

xo,

Loralee (aka Alma the Younger 2.0)

—

The following is something that is sacred to me. Normally I keep anything close to that to myself, but it is crystal clear to me that this something that I should not only do, but I am utterly obligated to do. I love and welcome open discussion on my blog but because this is so deeply, intensely personal, I am not allowing commentary. Feel free to email me, but this work must stand as it is. And when I say it is sacred you must understand that there  has been exactly ONE other experience in my life that I would consider sacred and that time was when my little baby was dying in my arms.  This is the other one.

It is a fundamental principle that human beings strive for, look for, and reach for…more.

We constantly innovate, improve, and push farther and harder.

It is what we are made to do.

And just as fundamental is the fact that all humans will not accomplish this strive to be better in the same way or with the same tools. For example, there are a class of humans that strive and reach and feel their best when they, say, climb Mount Everest.  Now, if *I* were expected to reach my maximum potential by climbing Mount Everest, I would fail dismally. And considering that my idea of a good workout is walking to my mailbox, I am not talking a small amount of fail here.  Where some would feel strong, brave, and like they had literally climbed on top of the world, I would probably need hospitalization and intensive therapy from acquiring a raging fear of both heights and Sherpas. (Hey, Utah has a surprisingly large Sherpa populous. THE POSSIBILITY IS REAL, PEOPLE.)

The point is, that when you take in what I am about to say, I am asking you to keep in mind that I FIRMLY believe that people have endless possibilities of reaching excellence. One size does not fit all.

In my last post, the first I have written in a long, long time, I told you that I had finally achieved a sense of peace, health and happiness.

And I had.

And then the VERY next evening it was utterly blown to bits and pieces. (I KNOW, RIGHT???!!!!!!)

I have been very clear about myself and religion.

Honestly, I have never really been much of a fan. I was raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Many of you might have heard us referred to as Mormons.  Now, if there was EVER a religion that I would NOT take naturally to, it would be this one.  There is a very high level of commitment needed and many rules and requirements to live it at its purest form.  I hardly ever discuss religion. Especially online. Besides not feeling the interest or qualification,  I am  the WORLDS LARGEST COWARD.  Yup, you heard me…COWARD.

Especially regarding religion.

I care mightily what people think.

I have been utterly afraid of conflict, stress, hurting someone’s feelings, worry that the person I am speaking to will this I am mocking or disregarding their opinions or beliefs.  And honestly, Mormons are almost genetically bred to be worried about outside opinion. I think it probably has to do with the fact that we are often hugely misunderstood, mocked, and it is also due to our extremely persecutor y history of our religion in the “Land of religious liberty”.  When you know that it was legally sanctioned by the US government  to kill Mormons in Missouri until 1976 , it tends to make ya think that everyone won’t be super open and friendly all the time. Aside from the more selfish motivations for my fear, I also have a very pure one; I truly love people and want everyone to sing and drink Coca Cola on a mountain top.

I was a seriously crappy Mormon.

After my son, Matthew died, I was so bitter.

So angry.

And so determined to direct the aim of my wrath at God.

I walked away from the church and for roughly the next 10-years, I have lived life on my own without God, religion, or any other of those nuisances in my life. It was weird for me as a blogger. I wasn’t active or faithful enough for the Mormon crowd, but I wasn’t enough of a hater for the Anti-Mormon crowd. I have tried my very best to stay respectful of the religion I was raised in.  I have spoken out on my STRONG opinions about support for Gay marriage. (Gay is not just OK, it is FABULOUS!) and frankly…I was  not going to go any other direction but away from Mormonism.

Those 10-years had a whoooole lot of dark hell in them.

I made some absolutely horrifying decisions and mistakes.

I suffered.

I caused intense and hugely painful suffering for others.

My grief about these mistakes and the damage I caused is palpable to me.

I can never say I am sorry enough.

Somewhere along the way, I started to change.

It was VERY, VERY, SLOW.

But it was there.

And my husband felt the very same thing. We are rarely in synch about things, we are so different, but on this we moved as one. Shortly after we moved into our new house, we both began to realize that we wanted more in our lives.

The decision was made to return to activity in the Mormon church.

There was much apprehension, worry and fear in my heart.

And with good reason.

Mormons take religion very seriously. Personal accountability is critical and when you have made a higher commitment to both God and church to conduct your life at a higher level, there is nothing of greater importance than keeping that promise.

I had made those commitments and promises.

And I not only broke them, but I worked long and hard with massive amount of effort on my part to execute those mistakes.

And it had to be accounted for and made as right as possible before I could progress as a human being with a soul.

In the LDS religion, there is a process with sin of great consequence. We do not believe in weekly confession or having to account for every little mistake to someone. But if you have a serious sin, you are instructed to go to your Bishop (Which is like a minister or a pastor) and work through those problems with counsel and prayer and work on your part.

For the most serious sin, there is a process that is much more serious.  A council of a few men of high authority are called in to review what has occurred and what should be done to best help the person in question grow and achieve happiness and recovery.

I realize that there are many who have a problem with this. I also realize that many feel that sin is personal between you and God. I ALSO am very, very aware that these counsels are run by men and that many, (many who have shared their personal experiences with me) have been utterly shattered by the outcomes of these councils. Please know that I am not writing this to cause pain to anyone, but to relate my own experience.

Knowing that this council was absolutely in my future scared the ever loving crap out of me.

My bishop and his two councilors are three of the kindest, gentlest, loving men I have ever met. I do not trust men easily. I especially do not trust men in religious authority easily.  But these men I would trust with my life.

I knew I could trust them with my heart and soul.

And after many, many months and much prayer and searching and reaching peace, happiness, and the point where the one and only thing stopping me from being free of it was this, I went in to talk about the many, many awful things I had done out of pain, fear, desperation and simply not having the spiritual understanding that I do now.

I met with my bishop several times before deciding I was ready to take it on.

My therapist, who has also served as a Bishop and who understood both me, councils and the huge and absolute role my severe ADHD played in many of my issues, insisted on being present.

I am not a prayer person by nature. It isn’t out of being obstinate, it simply doesn’t occur to me naturally. I never, EVER relied on it. And while we always say blessings on our meals (even when I left the church), I very rarely ever sought God or answers from prayer.

But to prepare for this process, I would need all my prayers because I was almost sick with fear initially.

The funny thing is, when the time came, I wasn’t afraid.

I felt strong.

I felt confident.

I felt sure I could handle whatever what would come my way.

I was totally and completely, WRONG.

The council went very well.  I felt that I was able to articulate exactly where I was, what was going on, and my level of understanding.  Once I was done, the Bishopric was left to pray earnestly about what God felt would be the best path for me to grow and learn and ultimately be the best person I could be.

There is NOTHING these men take more seriously than this question.

I knew they were in there in utter earnestness and pure loving hearts wanting the best for me.

There are four possible outcomes from a Bishops Council:  No action, formal probation, disfellowshipment, and excommunication.

The latter two scared the everloving daylight out of me.

I had prayed and prayed and begged and pleaded.  What I had done was horrible, BUT the extenuating circumstances, my situation, my level of understanding, my extremely poor impulse control that is utterly not my fault nor known to anyone at the time, the years that had passed since my mistakes, and the most IMPORTANT thing in these coucils…where I was at NOW…all gave me the prayerful reassurance that formal probation would be the outcome.

I was still very afraid but the answer came again and again to Trust in God.

So, I did.

When I came back in the Bishop’s office, the outcome was revealed.

Disfellowshipment.

Uh….

HOLY OUCH, BATMAN.’

I felt like an electrically charged blowtorch ripped through my soul.

I tried my very hardest to take it as well as I could.

And I did.

Till I got in my car.

And then all hell broke loose.

Actually, I was looking UP to see hell.

It was bad.

It was horrible.

I drove and drove and drove.  I struggled all night long.  There were so many things I was struggling with…it seemed horribly cruel given where I was at and the entire picture. But the two most important things that came out of it were that I could not trust my ability to pray and receive answers. How could I when every answer I had gotten had spoken that Disfellowshipment would not happen???? I could not handle this coming from my creator…He who was supposed to know everything about me. He KNEW how I would take this. What it would do to me. How utterly lost, broken, alone and incapable I would be to fix it.

In a blink of an eye, all that extremely long and hard fought for peace and happiness and the foundation that I had FINALLY felt for once in my life had been taken from me and I was hysterical because of it. If you have spent 38-years living without true peace, happiness and a firm foundation and then you finally get it and THEN IT GOES AWAY, you will know how utterly black my world was.

Except for the death of my son I have never felt greater despair.

I will admit that things got to the suicidal point.

If I had no peace, no happiness, and if I no longer trusted prayer or God or myself, then seriously…what freaking point was there?

I didn’t go home.

I spent the next three days living in my car.

I told my husband to find a better wife.  Someone who didn’t suck as a person.

I told my Bishop that it was too big for me and that I was done.

I told my therapist I was ceasing treatment.

And I told myself that there was no hope.

After many days, endless tears and an extremely needed personal witness on my behalf from my bishop, I decided to give it one last chance.

But how?

I absolutely could not pray.  I couldn’t go to my family or friends or religious leaders because it was too painful.

So, I went somewhere meaningful for church members and I said the smallest of words.

“I’m here.  I am trying the only way I know how to reach you.”

First I became aware of something critically important.

I knew without a shadow of a doubt that there was literally a great and FIERCE battle going on for ME.

Loralee.

For my literal soul.

I could literally see it- a war between good and evil. demon and angel.The battalions trying to gain ground and dominion over my person were numerous and mighty and it was a ferocious fight that felt as desperate as a man’s fight to the death.

And then, as clear as a light in the sky, the strongest, most intense and powerful feeling I have EVER experienced in my life hit me so hard I literally couldn’t breathe. Tears literally poured out of my eyes and it was such a physical force that I thought I would literally be crushed to pieces by its might.

Like I said in the very beginning, this is sacred to me.

This feeling was greater that any other in my life.  Not even during the death of my son, when I KNEW there were angels supporting me, was the feeling as powerful as this. Not even close.

Everything suddenly became utterly crystal clear to me.  (And if you have spent five minutes with me or reading my blog, you will know that ‘crystal clear’ and ‘Loralee’ and about as congruent and plausible as oil and water.)

I knew why every single horrible thing had ever happened in my life.

I knew exactly why I was given the path and the trials and the blessing that I have had.

I always thought that it was to make me grow as a person.  Yes, there IS that. Because of my huge struggles, I have an extraordinary amount of love and compassion and acceptance of my fellow man.  But…the fundamental purpose was to not just teach me compassion. The key here is EMPATHY.  I have literally been hugely touched by every single sin I can think of. Not only do I have experience but I UNDERSTAND WHAT DRIVES IT.  I know that this principle is key in my life and my purpose.

I had to be brought extremely low because I am being prepared to soar extremely high.

It is so unfathomable to me still to know that I KNOW this  (Because I literally struggle to say prayer over dinner. To imagine something like this could happen to me is mind blowing and would have been utterly unthinkable to me if I had not just experienced it)  but I do.

I know I am being prepared for something crucially, extremely important. I have no idea what that would be, but I am absolutely certain that it will require a huge ability to genuinely love, serve, have compassion, empathy and understanding to help the struggling, the suffering, the broken hearted and the afflicted.

Every single thing that has happened has been part of a large, and absolutely perfect plan.

But that was not even the most important thing that I learned without a shadow of a doubt.

I have always seen myself as broken.

Weak.

Sinful.

Incompetent.

As much as I have compassion for mankind, I have had literally NONE for myself.

I spent every waking moment berating myself endlessly for everything.

I really cannot think of another person who so thoroughly despised themselves as much as I dd. I would LITERALLY roll my eyes every time I would hear people talk about the worth of souls, how God loves his creations, how we are children of our father in heaven and how every soul is of great worth to him.

Sure, I believed it for everyone else.

But me?

I SUCKED.

And this is simply, utterly, absolutely not true.

For just one tiny moment I was allowed to see myself as God sees me.

I am MIGHTY.

I am STRONG.

I am BREATHTAKING.

I am HIS.

HIS most loved, cherished, DAUGHTER.

And he has sent me here as one of his fiercest, most fearless lions to lift my head high and to roar his will and his work and his glory to all that I can.

This was so far out of anything I even thought to think of myself, but it is the truth as I am typing this.

I was shackled on this earth with a physical body full of sin and failure and pain and utter dispair and heartbreak to LEARN. To learn of HIM and his will and the intense joy that He wish for all of his creations from the smallest flower to the largest mammal. Every single thing on this earth he loves and is shepherd over. And man and our eternal salvation is his greatest wish and work.

My spirit is beyond anything I could have imagined and it has forever changed absolutely everything I ever knew or thought.

If I had had anything else come from that council I could have never, EVER, experienced the unbelievable love and glory that poured down on me.

I had to have absolutely ALL taken from me to KNOW WITHOUT DOUBT THAT I CAN OVERCOME.

All I have to do is trust in God and bow to his will and I will never fall again.

I have no doubt I will struggle.

It was made very clear to me that my path will be bitterly difficult and that it is for a reason.

I am a spirit meant to learn to swim in very deep, dark waters.  (Better that then swimming in shallow waters, no?)

I am no longer afraid.

Does this mean I am going to be different?

Well, yes. I suppose so. I will still be me, but better.

Does this mean this blog and my conversations are going to tturn all religious freak on you?

No.

I know that many of you STRONGLY disagree with my religion.  I get it. I have heard it. Some of my very loved and cherished bloggity friends have told me to my face that Mormonism is a cult.  (I love you regardless). For me, this is my fit. My best chance for excellence. I know it so firmly there is simply no need to look elsewhere. This may not work for you and as far as I am concerned, it is fine.

God loves us all.

All that-the bickering, the theology, the ‘who is right and who is wrong’ thing…simply doesn’t matter right now.

I respect the beliefs of ALL.  Muslim, Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Aethiest, whatever.  I am a FIRM believer in finding whatever path leads you to something higher.

Because there is MORE.

There is infinite and endless love.

We just have to lift our heads and reach for it.

And I hope sincerely and endlessly that you do.

These words, feeling, and experiences have been forged by a lifetime of walking through gut wrenching pain, pride, stubbornness, mocking, suffering, sorrow, sin, brokenness, humanity and the fires of heavan and hell.

I hope you will respect that.

But more than that, I truly hope that each man, woman, and child on this earth could have even on tiny moment of what I experienced.

Because it changed absolutely everything.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

REFINER’S FIRE: THE FULL STORY

Dear loved ones,

If you are one of the VERY select few to receive this letter, then you should know with CERTAINTY that you are deeply loved and cherished by me. All of you (save one) has read my blog post “Refiner’s Fire” (I will include it after this letter so that it is maintained together). It is a story of bitterly fought for faith, given to someone so undeserving and unqualified. (Sort of.)

This is the full story.

I opened the door to my Expedition, which was parked rather haphazardly in the church parking lot, climbed in, and just sat there, staring blankly at the dashboard. And then it hit me with a full and terrible weight.

I had just been disfellowshipped from the LDS church.

It was terrible, horrible moment.

In hindsight, after taking FULL stock and accounting of my ENTIRE life since age of accountability, I realized that it was a GREAT mercy that I had not been excommunicated.

My life was absolutely full of huge, wide, grievous sin.

But while I know that NOW, at the time I was utterly heartbroken and terribly confused.

Because it totally shattered everything I thought I knew. Every earnest prayer, inquiry and question to the Lord told me not to fear disfellowshippment or worse, and that formal probabtion would be the outcome.

So, how could this be?

Both could not be right.

And color me strange, but I think I would trust the answer of The Judge of Isreal vs. The Adulterous Whore, ya know?

I was in despair. I felt that I had been talking to myself all these months and any peace, happiness, and foundation that I had fought so hard and long to feel was a total and utter lie.

You cannot imagine how alone and done I was.

I drove and drove and drove.

I didn’t go home.  I didn’t go home for DAYS. I didn’t sleep. I barely ate.

AND…I was unmedicated, which was highly dangerous given the situation.

I couldn’t talk to ANYONE. The best I could do is vomit up my emotions vaguely on Facebook. (Because there was NO WAY I was EVER going to talk about what was happening with the masses.) (I know. ;) )

I texted my Bishop and told him I was done. It was too big to chew.

I told Jonathan to leave me and find someone that didn’t suck at a fundamental level.

I told my therapist there was no point to continue seeing him.

I worried everyone to death.

And with good reason.

I was full on suicidal by the next day. I felt abandoned, betrayed and utterly alone. If I couldn’t trust God or even myself and if peace and happiness were not possible for me, then there is no flipping WAY I saw staying on the planet for the next couple decades.

My Bishop sent me a POWERFUL message about the intense and sacred revelation he had on my behalf.

That gave me the tiniest hope.

Then while I was driving (Jonathan is going to KILL ME when he realizes how much I have spent on gas) I heard a song on the radio.  There was a line that made me lift my head for the tiniest moment and reach out to obedience.

“When you’re lost and alone, and you’re sinking like a stone, CARRY ON.”

I called my mom and told her that the Bishop had instructed me (Oddly) to start wearing garments again. This surprised both of us, but I figured that while there was NO way I could pray, I COULD do this one thing that he instructed.

I believe that one moment of strength led me to hear the prompting I got next.  I had decided to drive down to temple square to think.  But that was not where I was supposed to be. I was supposed to go to The Joseph Smith Memorial Building.

So, I did.

On the way down, I called my sister and asked if she wanted to have dinner. She had been deathly worried about me (as had my entire family) and she poured out her feelings of disgust and anger at the men who had disfellowshipped me. She said they were NOT of God, that they were wrong and that they were pompous, arrogant and she was furious that they had hurt me.  I defended my Bishopric. I was hurting MIGHTILY but there was no way I could let that description of them stand. It was not THEM, I was not in the least bit angry or hurt by THEM. I KNEW powerfully that they had all the love and care for me in the world. My sorrow was that my creator, who knew me better than anyone, would put such a painful and confusing choice at my feet.  So, while I defended them as people and shephards, I DID say that I had NO idea why the decision had come down. I could not disagree with her that a mistake might have been made.  Because that is what it truly felt like. Yes, what I had done was truly horrifying, BUT…I KNEW what my understanding (which was extremely limited) was then and where it was NOW AND there were literally so many extenuating circumstances. I could not figure out to what end disfellowshippment would serve other than to create something I could not come back from.

So, there I sat in the Joseph Smith building feeling just awful.

I went and sat and then decided to go watch the movie on Joseph Smith.  I have always been a fan of the Prophet. His life is truly inspiring.  BUT…I have always been very uncomfortable with The First Vision. I don’t know why, but I just have. In fact, after Matthew died Jonathan and I traveled to New York to stay with close friends. We decided to go see Palmyra. I was really excited. It was November and since Matthew died in September, I had been on an intense spiritual high.  What better place to feel inspiration than Palmyra?

It. Was. Awful.

It was one of the creepiest, darkest, and most disturbing experiences of my life. I did not feel peace. I felt utterly weirded out. Especially when the missionary couple was describing the first vision. All I could think is that Mormons were utterly freakish and I could not WAIT to leave that place. All the peace, support and love I felt from the angels supporting me through Matthew’s death vanished in a moment.

I was really bitter.

It was my first step to a decade away from Mormonism.

So, it was entirely fitting that what brought me roaring back was facilitated by this same story.

I sat in the theater and looked up at the screen and while I couldn’t even consider praying, I did mentally utter some very small words. “I’m here. I’m trying the only way I have left to reach you. This is your one and ONLY chance. Please help me, Father.”

Then the movie started.

I sat watching farmland roll by and the kid actor do the usual stuff that is told at the beginning of Joseph’s life.  No biggie.

Then he went into the grove to pray. I instinctively braced (you know, due to the uncomfortableness) and looked down at the floor.  But something made me lift my head.

When Joseph is taken over by darkness, the weirdest thing happened.

I literally sat up and looked around me and my mind sputtered, “There’s…there’s a BATTLE!”  I came to understand that there was a FIERCE, intense, massive battle of the strongest battalions on both sides of Good and Evil that were literally fighting as if to the death for the possession of my soul. Now, by itself, this is not singular, really. Battles are fought for struggling souls all the time. THIS WAS DIFFERENT. It was not just a battle, it was a full on nuclear war for something of the GREATEST importance.

Me.

To describe it in very inadequate earth terms…it was like the British were THIS CLOSE to killing George Washington. Only killing would not have been enough. They wanted to capture, endlessly torture and the parade their captive soul as an example of God’s weakness and their strength.  I always thought Satan knew that he couldn’t win ultimately.  That is not so.  The dude actually thinks he stands a chance. He’s wrong.

It was not a great feeling.

Then I looked up at the screen and the light of God started to appear. And RIGHT with it came the single most INTENSE and POWERFUL feeling I have EVER had in my life. I thought the death of my son was powerful (and it was) but this was beyond anything I could imagine. In honesty, it DID NOT FEEL GOOD. I thought it was going to crush me and my stomach was going to explode. I couldn’t breathe and I was POURING tears and snot down my face. (Attractive, I know.)

As the movie progressed, it was like it was reaching out of the screen and powerfully testifying to the purpose of my life.  Alvin was not lost. He would always be his father’s son. His father would ALWAYS have him. Brigham Young was being prepared for greatness and the Lord had given him the tools he needed. Joseph Smith was a spirit meant to swim in deep water….It went on and on and on, each important bit of important information that was meant for me to hear and understand was testified by feelings of greatest physical intensity.

I was almost exhausted at the end of the movie and I looked like I had been hit by a train.

But I knew that what had happened was supposed to. It was the beginning of a MASSIVE amount of understanding.

After I left, I went to go to dinner with my amazing sister and her partner Nancy. You have to understand something about me.

I HAVE BEEN A FREAKING WUSSY COWARD MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I have a horrible, awful time standing up for myself.

I feel an almost genetic need to apologize for myself constantly and I WHIPPED myself perpetually.

I truly, truly, truly loathed every single thing about myself.

So, when my sister again started protesting the church system and the decision (ALL done out of the PUREST love and concern for her little sister and derived from much pain and rejection felt because of her homosexuality) I found the power to gently, but FIRMLY disagree and testified that it was right, just, and utterly necessary. And that the Mormon path was the absolutely right one, with not a single doubt in my mind. The right thing had happened and I was sure of it.

And she accepted it, as long as I promised to never let men or women of the church ever let me feel inferior or judged. She was right when she said that I played to the audience I was in front of, so weak and fragile and all over the place was I.

To stand up for myself was truly unusual. But it wasn’t hard at all.

After I left, I kept driving and for the next 24-hours, I was hit again and again and again with a HUGE amount of revelation, understanding and vision.

Every Mormon has moments where they wonder what they were like in the pre-existence and what they will be like after they die.

I had ALWAYS seen myself a certain way.  I felt like a gentle, humorous and rather fluffy soul that probably sang through the heavens and was pretty, ya know…average. I thought for certain I came here to learn obedience and to learn to be strong and not have fear and to learn the faith and confidence I lacked before coming to earth.

I was so, so, SO wrong.

I was given extreme insight of EXACTLY who I was in my natural state.

And it surprised the ever living heck out of me.

I was FIERCE. I was intensely obedient, unwavering, and just….a massive, massive warrior spirit. I got a glimpse of someone that I KNEW was me before I came here. I was frozen, crouched down low, almost like a hunter intensely examining his prey or a sprinter right before the gun goes off. I got the impression of MASSIVE skill, INTENSE, RIGHTOUS, BURNING focus centered on the earth. God had to literally restrain me from bursting down to the earth to do his work before my time was right.

And when I was finally released I ROARED down to earth in a comet of burning flame that I literally saw streak through the face of the earth until all nations were on fire.

I was sent down to be one of the highest, most honored and select LIONS OF THE LORD.

There are few in all the heavens that I bow down to.

Now…if you know me AT ALL, you will know that not only is this NEVER something I would ever, ever, EVER think, let alone SAY to anyone about myself, but that this vision of myself is something that I really don’t even want or relate to in my earthly form. I have never been one to even want to be strong or a warrior.

Shocked the heck out of me.

And there was SO, SO much more.

I had answers to really any question I wanted about my life.

I learned an unfathomable amount about myself and my mission here.

I know that Satan was DELIBERATELY allowed to have HUGE LICENCE in my life. I was absolutely meant to fail and sin in huge, embarrassing ways. I was one of a VERY small and select few that are meant to walk down the most perilous paths DELIBERATELY only because I am one of a very few who would not fall and be utterly lost.

Basically, I was MEANT to be a sinful piece of crap.

You would think that would be depressing, but it brought me the most infinite relief. For my ENTIRE life, I have felt utterly and hugely conflicted and confused by…ME.

I was shown that before I agreed to this mission, I was given the highest assurance that I would be as protected as possible and that I WOULD TRIUMPH, because quite frankly, the amount of sin that I would have to wade through was so offensive to my person that God had to personally promise me that he knew my worth, how abhorrent all that I would go through would be to me, and that as SOON as I was done with my work, I would be released from this hideous and shackled existence and allowed to return back to him to serve in glory.

It shocked me to realize that next to doing His will, that was my GREATEST desire and my single most difficult temptation to battle.

Not to take my life and return home before I am done here.

That may sound shocking but it is perfectly understandable to me because I was shown how hugely, massively difficult and HARD it is for me to be here. I was put in a body that has been grossly obese, riddled with injury, disease and permanently disfigured and malfunctioning to learn compassion and empathy, It was MEANT to suffer GREAT pain and affliction so that I could learn BUT that it would also be strong enough to do the work I was meant to.  To have such physical weakness is a great, constant frustration to my spirit, (My physical body doesn’t mind so much as there is a lot of lounging around munching on Oreos). ;)

It is not just my physical body that my spirit struggles with, but my entire nature. It was a deliberate restraint. I did NOT need to come here to become stronger and more faithful, I came here to be GENTLED and to learn humor and just to chill the heck out already. (I think I have the humor part down. Chilling out may take more work.)

Every. Single. Thing. About my body, person and life is so absolutely contrary to my natural state it is almost unbearable just knowing what I know. I was shown that my spirit is so fierce and big and bright that my physical body LITERALLY has intense difficulty containing it.

My death will be my greatest relief and joy. (Seriously…I am NOT suicidal, I swear. It’s just the truth.)

I also saw that while I was meant to be a roaring Lion for His will, I was also meant to fiercely protect. And I had come within a whisker of failing at one of my most critical tasks.

I was sworn to protect my twin sister.  She is NOT a fierce spirit. She is gentle and kind and pure and was very hesitant about coming to this place. God gave her the physical and mental challenges he kept me free of for the express purpose of protecting her from the utter hell I had to walk through. While he protected her on high, I was sworn to guard over her on earth.

I have dropped the ball so many times with that it sorrows me greatly. But, I was also shown that I protected her from the things that matter most and that I have not failed in my task.

While she was meant to be as protected as possible, I was meant to be flung straight into the fires of hell.

Everything about myself is of importance.

I was supposed to be born now.  I was supposed to be raised in an LDS home, but (And this is HUGELY important) my spiritual knowledge was greatly, and deliberately muted and yoked. If I had had even a drop more understanding or desire to know more, I could not have done the horrible things needed. It would have made me puke. But the knowledge was ESSENTIAL for when all would be revealed to me.

Even the way I look-my height, my hair, my voice, my talents, my personality are all MEANT TO BE NOTICED. I CANNOT HIDE, EVEN IF I WISH IT. I was meant to be looked at and not only that but I was meant to SCREAM MY WEAKNESS AND FAILURE TO THE WORLD.

People had to see and know the most intimate failures, sins, weaknesses and faithlessness that had run rampant over my soul and body.

Just as he made Joseph Smith a man whose experience, education and situation testified that he could have NEVER created the book of Mormon or the religious structure he presented, and just as Paul was allowed to do horrible, terrible and infamous things, I was allowed to sin horrible, fail miserable and trump those failures to the world.

It was deliberately done to show his utter power, mercy and glory of transformation.

If I had been remotely faithful or had any experience with prayer, revelation or even a tiny bit more knowledge, the loud roar that I was meant to bring forth would have been an impotent mew that no one would pay heed to.

Because it NEEDED to be absolute and certain that the utter transformation that occurred and the things I have been shown could not only have NEVER come from someone as spiritually retarded (in the pure way, not mocking disabled people way) as I am.

Not only could it NOT come to me, but it had to be something that was FOREIGN to my way of existence and thinking and people like YOU were meant to testify that not only am I truthful but that these are things and words that I would NEVER EVEN DREAM OF THINKING OF IF LEFT TO MY OWN DEVICES.

(Seriously…think about me. How much I hated myself. Do you REALLY think that I would walk around saying that I knew those that mocked me, hurt me and sat in judgment of me were the same spirits that bowed down in deference to me in the pre-existance? Or do you see ME desiring to be some Xena-warrior-princess-meets-lion-dinosaur-Patton-General-Fierce-type???????? NO.)

I was shown much, much more. But you get enough of the idea, and some of it is only meant to be shared with my husband and my Bishop, who I was promised would be able to discern if I was bat shit insane or not. (I’m not. Whew.)

I do not know all that my future life holds for me.  I am certain that much of it will be difficult. But…it will be a DIFFERENT kind of difficult. I am sure I will continue to sin (hello…human) but now that I KNOW who I am, I have an insane amount more courage, fortitude and UTTER self respect. That is a biggie. One of the most disgusting and horrifying things to me before coming down here is how little self-respect and how much hatred I had for myself. How difficult it was to see how I would grovel and apologize and beg forgiveness from everyone I met JUST FOR EXISTING.

This is PAINFUL. Because I am not only someone who commands respect, I DEMAND IT UTTERLY. In fact, one of the MOST surprising (and kinda disappointing) things is HOW God showed me is love.

See, I had a VERY strong idea of how I pictured God’s feeling for me. I always pictured a broken and hurting child being scooped up gently into his arms. It was a great comfort to me during many hurtful nights. But that is NOT how he sees me.  I did not get the mushy, fuzzy, fatherly manifestation of his love I so desired and craved. HE DOES love me. Fiercely and endlessly. BUT…what I felt was so surprising I about fell over. He highly, utterly, and completely….RESPECTS ME. It was almost like the regard you have for your most valued business partner that you not only trust with your finances, future and security but you would trust them with your life.

In all my wildest imagining, God respecting ANYONE is utterly….shocking.

And weird.

And SO NOT SOMETHING THAT WOULD EVER OCCUR TO THE SINNER THAT IS ME.

But again…I sinned for a reason. I had to learn not just compassion and sympathy but UTTER empathy for the weak, the afflicted, the liars, the fakers, the thieves, the sick, the wounded, the abused, the perpetrators, the poor, the confused, the wounded and broken by love, the addicts, the mentally disabled, the physically challenged, the sick, the materialistic, the adulterers, the desperate, the broken and the lost. Basically anything you can put “THE” in front of, I GET IT.

The VAST amount of first hand experience I have been given is to serve a HUGE and critically important task.

My task is to be a visual example of the wretched made strong in the blink of an eye and ONLY by his will.  Along with being tasked with wretchedly sucking a duck on earth, I was ALSO blessed with HUGE, enormous talents and gifts. Now…many of these are yolked and stopped on purpose. But they are necessary because I am being prepared for something that will not only require understanding of the most grievously injured of the earth BUT I ALSO MUST BE ABLE TO COMMAND THE RESPECT OF THE RIGHTOUS AND GOOD.  I was given enough beauty, talent and even economic status to FULLY matriculate into the ranks of the MOST HIGH human leadership when it is needed. My strengths need to be mighty enough so that those who have not fallen off the path of the righteous can respect, follow me, and not just accept my leadership even with my hugely sinful past, but REJOICE AND GLORY IN MY TRIUMPH.

I was meant to inspire others to greatness. (Which literally has me blushing purple in embarrassment to type. But I MUST state this.)

And it is my duty to roar it to the world.

I want to close with something else that is critical for YOU to know.

You are of the utterly select. My path is sacred, important and of insane importance. (I realize that I am going seriously crazy with the adjectives, but truly…humans do not have words enough for how important and serious this is. My apologies.) I do not want you to think that your only task in this world is to cheer me on (OH THE POMPOUS SOUNDINGNESS OF THIS IS LITERALLY HURTFUL TO ME) But…you were CAREFULLY and prayerfully chosen expressly for guarding and watching over me during the most dangerous times of my life.

You have NO idea how special and choice this makes you.

My Bishop was chosen partially and specifically to guide me spiritually to this moment. You don’t know what a spiritual giant this required. To be JUST of the right age, temperament and ability to be gentle enough, kind enough, forceful enough, prayerful enough and steadfastly enough to not only guide me to the point that I trusted him enough to unload my soul to him but to also hold fast to the decision of disfellowshipment. The weight of casting that much hurt on someone as unstable as I am DEMANDS someone of the highest quality and worth. There are not enough words for how much I respect and value his place in my life.

My family was selected to be my most valiant protectors and supporters.

My parents were choice and chosen.

And my friends are the most loyal, kind, and understanding spirits God could muster to encircle me in faith, confidence and understanding.

That is you.

You are amazing.

As hard as it was to come up with adjectives to describle ME, I cannot, utterly cannot come up with even a few to describe how brilliantly beautiful and how much worth and value you are to me.

Thank you for never giving up on  me.

And thank you for making it all the way through this. ;)

Xo,

Loralee

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

MY GETHSEMANE

This is the end of my very long journey. You would think the other posts I have written would have been harder to share, but the EXPERIENCE of this (If not the words you read) was by far the most difficult thing that I not only have ever written, but it is by FAR the most difficult thing that has EVER been required of me. I hope that as you read, even if it is incomprehensible or unbelievable to you on many levels, that SOME part of your heart is reached. I am a Mormon, so my base, my terminology is of the faith of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. But this is NOT meant as a proselytizing tool to get you to join my religion. That is simply not my mission or task to execute. I leave that to others. It is of utmost importance that you find your OWN path. Anything that leads you to Him.

“I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. Mosiah 27:29″

Every singer has a role they were born to sing.

For me, that would be the Mezzo lead in Handel’s Messiah.

That is really a no-brainer and extremely easy for me to figure out.

What has been much, much, MUCH more difficult is figuring out how in the world to make sense of all that has gone on the last six days.

What was I born to do, here?

Because it has been utterly, completely, unfathomable mind-blowing, spirit altering, awe-inspiring, and any other descriptive term ya want to add a hyphen and an “ING” to, MASSIVE spiritual experience and transformation that for whatever reason, has been my highest honor and GREATEST STRUGGLE to experience.

I thought that overcoming my sins would be my greatest struggle.

I was wrong.

Then I thought that confronting, accounting, and paying for those sins would be my greatest struggle.

I was wrong.

Then I thought that the intense spiritual experience and revelations God gave me about myself would be my greatest struggle.

I was wrong.

THEN I thought that gathering all my courage to put this story before all the world to see would be my greatest struggle.

I was wrong.

I HAD NOT EVEN BEGUN TO STRUGGLE, FIGHT, AND SUFFER.

There is something that has been happening the last five days that only one human on this earth (my Bishop) had any clue I was going through and even he had only the tiniest, tiniest bit of information when the weight of the burden almost broke me into pieces.

I have been in CONSTANT, UNCEASING, AGONY AND PAIN.

This is confusing even to me. I had just had the single most powerful accounting of the power of God that *I* am aware of. WHY WAS I SUFFERING IN SUCH DESPAIR?

I’ll tell you.

But first, I must testify to you that EVERYTHING about what I went through is not only against every single action, thought, moment, feeling, and desire I have EVER HAD TO THIS POINT. That is critical. You are meant to see an utter, complete, and massive transformation of my entire soul and person so that there is not even one moment of doubt that this has happened ONLY THROUGH THE POWER OF HIM.

EVERYTHING about my life has deliberately led me to this moment.

To tell you this.

Once I set about to work and wrote down all my thoughts and feelings in my last blog post, and as it spread and spread and the emails and comments and stories started POURING in, I was hit with an insane amount of force. It was like I could literally FEEL every person who was reading my words. As I sat and read every word of every comment and email and tweet, I was allowed to see a portion of YOU. To feel some of your greatest pain and struggle. The sheer force of what was hitting me was endless, constant and agonizing.

And that is what it felt like for DAYS. SO powerful that my body was literally and constantly wracked with pain and energy to the point that I literally sobbed many, many times from the burden. It sounds Biblical, but it is the truth so help me God.

God lifted his veil JUST enough to not kill me.

You think I’m kidding.

I’m not.

The horrible thing about humanity is that there are not adequate words to describe all that I felt and know. Fortunately, God gives what is needed and he sent me a POWERFUL image to help me along with this. To explain what a struggle this entire ordeal has felt like to me.

I was in this flat, barren place, endless to the eye. My mantle was like…a Roman Centurion and while it was leather, I could sense it offered me the highest protection. Far off, I saw something coming. Roaring at me like the largest tidal wave you could imagine. It was MASSIVE. HUGE. And it was headed STRAIGHT FOR ME. I didn’t even flinch. I reached behind my back shoulders and withdrew two shining, flaming swords from their holsters and I bent down on one knee and SLAMMED them into the earth on either side of me. A roaring, bright and intense light poured out and shot out wide and tall. I could literally see these two forces swirling, beating, and fighting against each other.

It took all my might, all my strength and ALL my will to keep from being engulfed. The moment of greatest pain and crises came very early this morning at about 2 am. While it was extremely difficult, I was still holding my ground. Then the game changer was thrown in.

I was prepared for stories of struggle, faith, inspiration and heartache and pain.

I was NOT prepared to not only realize but INTENSELY feel the struggle, pain and crises of faith that some of my most loved and cherished friends and family were experiencing. For the longest time, as I pondered how to explain this not only to a wide audience but also how to reach those that are hurting and who I love without measure. Again, I was blessed with just the right image for me to put words to it. Back to Xena Warrior Princess holding down the fort with the flaming swords of…whatever…

I could see that I was starting to fatigue. I as slowly getting pushed further and further back under the weight of the energy that was slamming into me. But as long as I kept my hands on my swords, my head held up, and my gaze fixed, I would prevail. Then something caught my eye. Two of my most loved spirit friends. My fellow brother and sister in arms were walking right into that horrible awful storm I was doing my utmost to keep at bay.

I cannot tell you the panic and despair I felt.

I had NO ABILITY TO HELP.

And while I reached out (seriously, I am a text stalker this week. Ugh.) it was made abundantly clear that the rest of this intense battle I had to face was to be fought ONLY by me and my ONLY weapons were to be my inner spirit and HIM. (Because, uh…nothing in my mortal existence was gonna help out any.)

My panic over these two souls and my sorrow at their suffering is huge.

These two are of the most select. Who have helped me significantly. One is a close friend and the other is someone I have only met ONE TIME in person but who is like the dearest of brothers to me. To see these stalwart spirits and feel how HARD their struggle was more painful than anything that had occurred to that point.

I turned my head.

I was SCREAMING at them to “STOP! LOOK UP! GO BACK!!!!!!!!!!!”

They simply couldn’t hear me.

I could see the energy around me starting to weaken and shoot off randomly all around me.

I was starting to lose focus, and therefore starting to fail at my very important task.

They were walking so close to me and yet were a million miles away.

My friends got right up to the edge of that storm. Right by my left hand. And I suddenly had the overwhelming temptation to reach out, grab them, and literally THROW THEM TO SAFETY.

But I KNEW if I let go of that sword for even ONE MOMENT, all was lost, I would fail in my task and we would be crushed.

And in a moment, I cared more intensely about them than any failure or what I personally would lose, if there was even a slight possibility they could be helped.

I could take action, or I could ignore them and leave them to their fate…And that I could NOT DO.

I could no longer handle this situation by myself.

I pleaded for help from the Father.

Just as I was about to reach out, a raging stream of fire literally lassoed them and moved them back and I was allowed to finish my fight.

My relief was insane.

A voice spoke to my mind. His mercy was extended not just because I was willing to sacrifice all for those most loved, but because, like I said, these are VALIANT spirits who have earned it. But above all, while we are expected to do our level best, WE CAN ACHIEVE NOTHING WITH OUT HIM. And if we ask he WILL give us all.

I was given the reassurance that while I was not allowed to know their path, my friends would be fine and watched over. (YES, NATE. I AM TAKING YOUR HAND AND RUNNING THROUGH DISNEY WORLD TO A SOUNDTRACK AND SCREAMING AT YOU THAT “SOMETHING AMAZING *IS* HAPPENING RIGHT NOW”!)

I wish that was the end of the story, but no…I had more to face.

Added to this unbelievable weight were the SEARING answers to the unending stream of questions I had for God. The most inadequate way to describe what happens to my body when God spoke to me is to have you picture a cattle prod smiting me and coursing through my body.

Picture this happening again, and again, and again, and again. Hundreds, THOUSANDS of times in five NEVER ENDING OMG THIS IS GOING TO CRUSH AND KILL ME days.

Everything I thought I knew about God has been turned upside down on its head. I always thought that intense answers to prayers would feel good.

THAT IS NOT THE CASE FOR ME.

I always thought that should God ever communicate with me the experience would be of a kindly, cuddly, presence.

THERE WAS ZERO CODDLING, PEOPLE.

Once, when one revelation was particularly painful and long-suffering, I cried out to Him. “DO YOU HATE ME OR SOMETHING????! WHERE IS MY TENDER MERCY, DUDE?!”

The answer was searing and clear.

“MY GENTLE MERCY IS FOR THOSE THAT REQUIRE IT. YOU DO NOT. THIS IS A TASK THAT FEW ARE SENT TO EXECUTE AND ENDURE BUT YOU HAVE BEEN PREPARED FOR FOR ENDLESS MILLENNIUMS AND YOUR PATH IS TO BE AN EXAMPLE OF MY POWER AND UNCEASING LOVE FOR ALL MAN. YOU *WILL* BEND TO MY WILL.”

I have been through physical hell.

I, who had only had TWO prayers answered in her ENTIRE life, and beyond that, only KNEW that those prayers were answered because of PHYSICAL things that unfolded, was absolutely, unceasingly SLAMMED with answers, inspiration, and promptings of the most PHYSICALLY PAINFUL DEGREE. I have truly NEVER heard ONE prompting, ONE spiritual answer, ONE BIT OF GODS ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE WITH MAN and I was literally accosted for five agonizing days.

I’ve slept about 6 hours in 6 days.

I have eaten exactly two meals.

I’ve lost about 15-pounds, mainly because the physical FORCE of this has had me literally shaking and pouring sweat and in a constant state of rigid tenseness. It has not let up for even one small moment. Even when I had moments between the whole cattle prod thing my stomach hurt so much that I wondered if God had decided to huck a bleeding ulcer on to my apparently unending list of challenges.

I seriously had NO clue how to stop it.

And to be clear, this was not something done by me. By adrenaline. By excitement. By anything but by the creator of all. I tried my ever-living guts out to try to replicate the insanely intense electrocutions that rained down on me. It was not possible.

WHY WAS THIS HAPPENING?

HAD I NOT DONE AS ASKED?

WAS IT NOT ENOUGH???!!

NO.

It was NOT.

I was unbelievably confused. The burden was unbelievable. The weight of the concern, the sheer…power of his love for ALL OF YOU just about killed me. And I was SO FREAKING WOEFULLY UNPREPARED BY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE FOR THIS EXPERIENCE.

It was like I was an utterly sedentary couch potato who was about 100-lbs overweight and then I was chucked suddenly into most horrible, difficult, demanding and crushing BOOT CAMP. Times a BILLION.

I HAD NOT EVEN *ONE* MORTAL TOOL TO HELP ME.

And that was EXACTLY the point.

He gave me greatness because until now every single thing about my person has not only NOT complied with his will, but I have FOUGHT BITTERLY AND *VOCALLY* AGAINST IT.

I not only never paid tithing, IT OFFENDED ME.

I not only did not seek religion or a higher personal relationship with him, BUT I MOCKED AND HID FROM MY STATUS AS A MORMON TO MY PEERS.

I not only never prayed but I HAD UTTERLY ZERO, NONE, NADA EXPERIENCE OF PERSONAL REVELATION OF *ANY* KIND.

I not only did not know of God’s love for me, but I thought it was a FANTASY that was NOT for people like me.

It is EXACTLY for people like me.

It is EXACTLY for people like YOU.

You just have to LIFT YOUR HEAD AND LOOK AND ASK FOR IT.

When I realized this, I again pleaded and begged to be allowed some mercy and peace.

But there was more to learn. (I swear, try imagining learning NOTHING for 38 and then pack in 8 billion years of learning into 6 days and see how you feel. Oy.)

I had spent all these days swirling around in so many answers, impression and just a massive amount of emotion and understanding that I had NO idea WHAT the primary message I was supposed to learn from this was.

This thread ran over all the days but I am condensing it so it makes a clearer path to my “Aha!” moment.

During my journey, I kept asking what was required of me.

Someone wrote to me and they were very concerned. “Reading this, I got a very uneasy feeling that you are not meant to live long.”

Huh.

Suddenly, I had images and words and feelings flood my mind.

What WOULD I be willing to give to give this testament of HIM?

HOW FAR WOULD I GO?

If my last post was the last statement of my life, would I be willing to give up my life if asked to spread the word further, harder, and more? It was a very tough question. I saw all the consequences for my loved ones it would bring, but I ALSO saw the insane impact it would have in softening the hearts of mankind.

Yes. If that was His will. I would.

Now, for most people, THIS is the ULTIMATE question and sacrifice. I thought that might be it for me and that if I was willing, I might reach peace.

Nope.

That is not the largest sacrifice for me.

I REALIZED just what that was this morning.

I had about an hour of really crappy sleep. I felt alone, EXHAUSTED and resigned to the fact that apparently GOD WAS JUST GOING TO TORTURE ME ENDLESSLY AND FOREVER AND NO ONE COULD DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

I got up and went for a quick drive.

And while I was driving, a series of rapid, weighty and POWERFUL questions were poised to me.

I came to a horrifying, awful conclusion of just what was being asked of me.

See…it is not my life that I value and fear most.

It is not money or any material thing. He could gladly take ALL that I have.

What he wanted was more.

I knew that I had to SHARE THIS.

NO ONE, (Again, save one tiny glimpse in a text to my Bishop) had ANY idea what I was going through. It is INTENSELY private.

Not only that, but the thought of laying this before my peers, my co-workers, my family, my loved ones and the HUGELY CRUELTY THAT IS THE INTERNET about undid me. Did he not know that I had already been done in by what had already been said? How I worried that people would think I was utterly insane, unstable and just…bat shit crazy?????!!!!!

Was I to have NO privacy in this?

Did he know how insanely hard I had worked to build this blog, my reputation, and did he know the reaction I KNOW IS GOING TO COME FROM HORDES OF YOU?

Did He not know how intensely cowardly and embarrassed I am over EVERYTHING?

How I have been TORTURED by what people think about what I write and what they think of ME?

HOW I HAVE NEIGHBORS WHO READ THIS FREAKING BLOG THAT I HAVE TO SEE AT CHURCH AND WHEN I AM OUT WATERING MY FREAKING PLANTS???!???!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

Yes.

He does know.

And I realized that he had prepared me.

I have always thought of myself as unstable and a bit crazy.

I am NOT.

But I HAVE experienced those things.

I had to so that in these moments *I* knew utterly that I was sound, solid and CLEAR.

And beyond that….I had to make the utmost sacrifice to achieve what was needed. I had to be willing to give up my pride, my friend, my reputation, a decade of work, and every ounce of my will.

I felt like I had the option of bending to his will and that it was a CERTAINTY that I would go through to the end of my days feeling intense ridicule, loss, pain, suffering, challege and burdened with every single thought and action that was horrible to me OR I could take the much (temporarily) easier path and go my own way.

Was I willing to literally give Him EVERYTHING THAT WAS PRECIOUS TO ME.

I paused and the thought roared out.

Yes. I will do thy will, Father.

And in ONE moment, the MOST GLORIOUS, PEACEFUL, SOOTHING RELIEF FLOODED OVER ME.

EVERY bit of pain, anguish and torture I had been wracked with disappeared in a single moment for the EXPRESS purpose of not only riddling an entire post with more caps than I thought possible, but to SCREAM HIS MERCY TO YOU.

I finally know my mission in all this.

The power He has to transform in a moment is without challenge.

The requirement to bend down to him and submit is utterly necessary.

If you give all to Him, he will give ALL to you.

There is a particular story in the Book of Mormon about ‘the most vile of sinners’ that is utterly transformed by God. I have only read the Book of Mormon through once and that was 17-years-ago, so when my friend said this experience reminded her of that I honestly didn’t remember. In fact, I didn’t even look it up until I thought linking to a summation would be helpful to those unfamiliar with my face.

What I read was STAGGERING.

I FINALLY had some words to describe this path I had taken.

It was a beautiful moment.

24 For, said he, I have repented of my sins, and have beenaredeemed of the Lord; behold I am born of the Spirit.

25 And the Lord said unto me: Marvel not that all mankind, yea, men and women, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people, must be aborn again; yea, bborn of God, cchanged from their carnal anddfallen state, to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his esons and daughters;

26 And thus they become new creatures; and unless they do this, they can in anowise inherit the kingdom of God.

27 I say unto you, unless this be the case, they must be cast off; and this I know, because I was like to be cast off.

28 Nevertheless, after awading through much btribulation, repenting nigh unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an ceverlasting burning, and I am born of God.

29 My soul hath been aredeemed from the gall of bitterness andbbonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was cracked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is dpained no more.

Call me Alma the Younger 2.0.

This experience has been utterly…beyond any words I have.

I still do not know why this was given to me of all people.

But I am insanely honored that it was.

As I went to lay down in my bed with my laptop to write this, a sentence came to my mind. I was unfamiliar with it, but thought that I had probably seen in on one of those wall vinyls that Mormons are extremely fond of putting on the walls of their homes.

“Well done, my good and faithful servant.”

And the sweetest peace I have known came over me.

I triumphed.

I passed the hardest test I have yet been given.

I am allowed a moment of rest from my roaring.

I now leave that to YOU to do.

To spread this to all the world.

And I feel peace and glory.

At last.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

MARRIAGE: THE CRITICAL IMPORTANCE OF GODS MOST SACRED COVENANT

This is the last (I PROMISE this time it REALLY is the last and closing post) installment of a long series of events that cover a LIFE SHATTERING SPIRITUAL TRANSFORMATION. It is important that you start at the beginning and read from there.

Of all the Biblical, Intense, Sacred and Joyful things that have happened in this week of Divine revelation of the HIGHEST order, this is by FAR the SINGLE most important, joyful, triumphal, and insanely blessed thing that I have ever, and have been affirmed that I WILL ever experienced. This is sacred and private to the utmost degree so it is imperative that you KNOW that I was given the strongest and most divine ORDER TO PROCLAIM THIS (*ALL* THIS) TO THE WORLD as a testament of God’s  power to instantly heal even the most broken things and as a testament to not only what a marriage can endure, but also to show you that next to life itself there is no greater wish of The Father then that his children will find a partner to create, rejoice, worship, love, respect, and REJOICE in each other for ALL ETERNITY.  Again, my faith is that of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Known as The Mormon faith to many) and so my terminology and understanding is of that. It is IMPERATIVE that you know that this is not a proselyting tool to join my religion. This utter joy in sacred union is desired by Him for ALL MANKIND.  This is my testament that of all the things on this earth, marriage as HE INTENDED IT is MANKIND’S WORK AND GLORY. AND I AM TASKED TO ROAR IT TO ALL THE EARTH AND HEAVENS. 

I had NEVER felt so amazed.

So intense.

So STRONG, GLORIOUS, AND REJOICING.

I left the church house after a solid three hours speaking with my Bishop.  I was revealing all the amazing things that I had experienced and affirming the truth of them. There are not adequate words for how honored, grateful, and seriously I take all that has been given me.

As I sat in my car I began to deeply review all that had happened that evening.

In the Mormon faith, we believe that the bishop (similar to a minister, priest or pastor) is allowed to bless and receive inspiration on the individuals in his congregation.  It is a gift of the utmost importance to this story.

With the mind blowing and utterly transforming events of the past week, I desired above all things to receive a blessing from my Bishop. Not just for affirmation and guidance but also for peace and protection.

Mormons ask and receive blessing on a regular basis for many things. There are blessings for the sick and injured, blessing from fathers to their children and spouse, blessing to bestow covenants, and blessings for when a person just…needs or wants one.  Every Mormon I know has had many in their lives.

Ya know…except me.

It was utterly deliberate that I would only ask for TWO of these blessings in my life. I asked for one after my son died to be able to bear my existence and burden and just a few months ago when my understanding has increased a bit, I asked my brother for a blessing when I was in the hospital to when I decided to stop taking medication to treat the pain from my back surgery. Worthy males in our church also have the ability to administer blessings. It is a duty of an extremely sacred nature and it is taken very seriously. With good reason, I was to find out. In many ways it was a miracle that I asked for the second blessing. Blessing made me very uncomfortable simply because I felt I had NO ability to understand or deserve one. I went OUT OF MY WAY to avoid and not ask. Like EVERY EVEN TINIEST DETAIL OF THIS it is an illustration to show you HIS UTTER POWER OF TRANSFORMATION, MERCY AND LOVE by showing a COMPLETE reversal of ALL that I have been.

When my wonderful, spiritual GIANT of a Bishop laid his hands on my head it was one of the most intense moments I have had. I was spared the physical pain of the electric cattle prod that had accompanied my most acute suffering of the previous days, but the intensity was the same. It was not just intense but there was literally a roar in my ears to the point that I could BARELY hear what my Bishop was telling me.  I was aware that I was receiving regulatory ability even greater than I had ever had up to this point.

There was nothing that could be better to that point than what I experienced in that room when those hands were on my head blessing me endlessly and showing me yet again that what I know is true and how literally ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD *IS* POSSIBLE WITH HIM. I received confirmation that my son was ok, and MOST powerfully, that Christ is the only begotten of The Father. I also felt STRONGLY that while this is utterly true, That ALL belief is CRITICALLY IMPORTANT AND OF WORTH TO THE CREATOR. *WHATEVER* brings you to HIM is where you go. The rest will all follow and work out by HIS POWER. So please…this is NOT about which religion is ‘right’. The thing that matters above ALL is HE is right, perfect and beyond all glory.

About two thirds of the way through, all the noise and intensity SUDDENLY ceased and was still as the Bishop said that with all the gifts and blessing that would come to more of mankind than I could ever imagine, the MOST IMPORTANT PURPOSE OF THIS ENTIRE EXPERIENCE WAS TO BLESS MY FAMILY.

In all honesty (and this will sound terrible)…I was surprised.

I had talked to my Bishop about many things that I was concerned with about this experience that did not seem to be a part of what I was supposed to know. I wondered why in all this, there was literally no revelation or testament about Christ and I also told him of my sorrow and regret that when my revelation was SO powerful, WHY it hadn’t occurred to me to something about my little son who sits with The Father in Heaven. I poured out my sadness that unlike every other bereaved mother I knew, I had NEVER EVEN ONCE FELT THE PRESENCE OF MY SON’S SPIRIT.

Do you even begin to comprehend how that made me feel as a mother?  How I hated myself for obviously being not only unworthy enough to have been able to keep my little one on earth (NOT a doctrine of Mormonism, but my utter self hatred and guilt) but I was so horrible, so vile and so inadequate that I had NEVER had any comfort that he still existed.

Looking UP to see hell would be a vast understatement of the suffering this caused me.

But still…while this was of vital importance, the answer that my family was the ultimate priority in all this was pretty shocking. To me, this was a task for all mankind to benefit from. It seemed…so much bigger than just my family.

During this entire week, it struck me, and others heard and witnessed my confusion that my family and Jonathan were almost completely shut out in the process. I did not ask nor did I receive any instruction regarding any of my children.  I did receive some VERY strong impression regarding Jonathan, but I never dreamed I would share them with HIM, let alone YOU. I told my bishop that I felt frustration at his utter refusal to take the reigns as leader of our family and ACTUALLY LEAD. I saw myself as the Alpha in the equation. That HE leaned on ME and I was meant to encourage him through to the end.  It was a bit confusing since that turned everything I thought and believed on my head, but that is how it was. I felt that he was a VAST support to me and that was his most critical task and that I was ASSURED that as I had been deliberately sent to wade through the fires of hell and sin of the widest array and grievousness, HE was promised to never waver, never leave, never let our family fall. EVERYTHING about my mission on earth was so vile to me, so difficult and SO AGAINST EVERY MOLECULE OF MY FUNDAMENTAL SPIRITUAL NATURE that I COULD NEVER get through it with the support of this giant of a man that was my husband.

AND YET AGAIN, IT TURNED OUT THAT I WAS SO, SO, SO, SO WRONG.

This has been a process. I have gotten more and more and more understanding as the days have gone by. I have often thought one thing and then been allowed to be guided to correction. I have learned to UTTERLY trust in the power of prayer, how to hear and know without question that these truths come from on high and how literally EVERY MOLECULE AND EVERY TINY FRACTION OF TIME that I am and have spent on this earth has MADE ME FOR *THIS* experience.

And I was about to receive the absolute completion, fulness and glory of his EVERY BLESSING.

I don’t know HOW I thought that this part of my life would not be included, but as I sat speaking with my Bishop before I left his office to go to my car, I was perfectly content. In honesty, God could have taken me home on Friday after my initial revelation and I would have been satisfied beyond my wildest imaginings.

He has so much more in store.

And NOT just for me.

Which should have occurred to me, BUT IT DID NOT UNTIL THEN.

Of all the literally hundreds and hundreds of thousands this has spread to, the ONE PERSON that had NOT read my accounting was my husband.

This both pained and confused me.

I did not understand why.

He was utterly supportive and I could tell powerfully that there was not even one second or degree of his doubt in the truth of my words.

SO WHY WAS HE REFUSING ME THIS ONE THING?

I was beyond hurt and frustrated at his unwillingness to lead or to take some part in this insanely mind-blowing thing that was happening to me.

To me, it was just yet another statement about how BACK BREAKINGLY DIFFICULT my marriage has been.

I underexaggerate to the highest degree when I state that Jonathan and I have literally been to hell and back during our marriage.

You NAME the difficulty or thing that will absolutely DESTROY a marriage and WE HAVE EXPERIENCED ALMOST ALL OF IT.

I need to be clear that there has NEVER been any abuse. That is critical.

But besides that?

Hell.

Utter and total Hell.

We have faced divorce, we fornicated, I was pregnant when I walked down the aisle, we endured a massive life-threatening illness after I delivered our first son, he refused to consider his company in anyway a mutual effort or ownership to the degree that he deliberately made huge mistakes of financially devastating results that were EXPRESSLY against my every urging and request, we had to declare Bankruptcy, we had to ask for government and church assistance, we lost a huge amount of money on a total scam, we had both been arrested and Jonathan spent 10 days in jail (both were for very minor and stupid misdemeanors…as I have learned THESE WERE MEANT FOR US TO KNOW OF but we were PROTECTED IN THE FIERCEST MANNER IN ALL THINGS. This path was SO HORRIBLE that He assured us every gentleness and mercy when possible), we really never ‘fight’ but the tension has been palpable, our son died, I spent YEARS feeling I had married the wrong person, Jonathan was UTTERLY emotionally constipated and Vulcan-like, I attempted suicide, I was put in a mental institution, I have walked through drug detox, addiction, pornography, lies, drinking, addiction, extreme differences in political beliefs, mismatching feelings about just about everything on the planet, the stress of starting and losing several businesses, massive medical and other debt, injury, illness, blended families and co-parenting, betrayal, long-term and multiple accounts of adultery, sexual frigidity and incompatible dysfunction, wretched pregnancies, six months of separation, stress of underachievement and struggle of our children in school, struggle in religion and the fact that we were never sealed as a family, a fundamental inability to communicate at a deeper level other than quick-witted banter and even intense differentiation on which way to hang the toilet paper.

And those are just a few of the things that came easily to mind.  Times it by a billion and you kinda start to realize JUST HOW MUCH THIS MARRIAGE HAS ENDURED.

Long suffering doesn’t even begin to touch it.

I always KNEW I cared very much about Jon, but there were times that it was so wretchedly awful that I sincerely wished that he would just die in a car crash on the way home. That way, I would never have to get divorced again, I would have insurance money to take care of me, and I would have the sympathy and support of a widow.

Nice, eh?

I had endless people ‘testify’ that they believed our marriage could be transformed.

In my head I very impolitely invited those people to go straight to the fires of hell and burn because THEY HAD NO IDEA HOW WRETCHED AND WHAT A LOST CAUSE OUR MARRIAGE WAS.

That was at its worst.

At its best it was rather shallow but affectionate. And even when we started going back to church and I had gained a true and deep love and intensely glad and honored feeling that we were married, he was my husband and we had made it through to 15-years, it was still SO FREAKING HARD.

And sooooooo many knew it.  Like EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS EQUATION, our marriage was MEANT to be noticed. We have a reputation as being the couple that is charming, outgoing, musically gifted BUT who also disagree on EVERYTHING are NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING ALIKE and who were even invited on CNN NATIONAL RADIO and TO THE FREAKING WHITE HOUSE EXPRESSLY BECAUSE WE WERE JUST *THAT* INCOMPATIBLE.

So, once again…EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING was not only absolutely MEANT to occur and happen but it was ALSO MEANT TO BE SCREAMED TO THE WORLD IT WAS HAPPENING. It was for the express purpose of testament and witness of the things to come.

It was not just the differences and external problems we faced.

Our sex life was just….horrifying.  (If you could even begin to qualify the utterly lack of it most of the years of our marriage as a sex life.)

Jon always made me feel beautiful and wanted me but once again…SOMETHING WAS HORRIBLY WRONG AND DYSFUNCTIONAL WITH ME.  I very, very, very rarely enjoyed sex. (Seriously…this is so private and sacred I NEED to make sure you know that this IS something that is crucial to be shared.) I despaired that I could ever climax with anyone or feel closeness or emotion while engaged. As I had been obese to the tune of 300-lbs before the age of 20, I had many body issues and SO MUCH SEXUAL SHAME.

Nothing on earth in my marriage was as fundamentally broken and unenjoyable as this.

It caused both of us the deepest pain and distress.

In therapy, I very recently committed to literally scheduling one day a week to FORCE MYSELF TO SLEEP WITH MY HUSBAND. I was willing to try (I was ALWAYS willing and desperate to improve in all things) but even though I had truly reached happiness and peace with Jon, I LONG ago gave up any hope of this aspect of our relationship getting any better.

ALL these things I pondered as I sat in my car and headed home.

Jon was in our bedroom watching TV.  I asked him if he had read my accounting of this unbelievable experience.

Like all the other 6-days, the answer was no.

I told him that I was FIRM in my promptings that tonight was the time to do so and that I had every faith and encouragement that he WOULD be inspired and that I would leave and go for a drive to give him time and privacy.

While I was gone, something beyond staggering happened.

If you recall, in ALL my accounting and testaments about God’s Love, I was VERY clear that it did NOT feel good, that it was NOT tender, glorious, warm, cuddly, father-like or even kind.

It WAS intense, powerful, glorious, staggering, stern, merciful, unending and incredibly, physically PAINFUL.

I had NO problem believing in His love, but I admit…I was just devastated in a way that I could not experience the JOY AND DELIGHT of love from the most loved father.

After the days of physical torture, I felt like the child who had endured INCREDIBLE ‘tough love’ from the parent and DESPERATELY needed to be hugged after getting out of time out.

As I drove, I reflected on the words of my Bishop during that INTENSE blessing. That this was ultimately for the benefit of my family.

And I experienced something that is more…powerful, unbelievable and FORCEFUL than ALL MY PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES THIS WEEK TIMES 100 BILLION.

I felt the full on WEIGHT OF ALL THE LOVE THE FATHER COULD GIVE A HUMAN WITHOUT KILLING THEM.

I never KNEW SUCH POWER.

SUCH GLORY.

SUCH INSANE JOY AND INTENSE GRATITUDE FOR EVEN GIVING ME ONE TINY, MICROSCOPIC SCRAP OF HIS NOTICE, ATTENTION, REGARD AND LOVE.

I literally was sobbing more HYSTERICALLY THEN WHEN MY SON DIED.

It HURT but not like my endless and tortured cattle prod experience…it was a GLORIOUS AND OVERWHELMING HURT. One that I allowed to continue until I LITERALLY WAS BROUGHT TO THE FLOOR IN A BALL WITH THE INTENSITY AND COULD BEAR NO MORE.

And even BETTER THAN THAT WAS *WHY* I WAS ALLOWED A BLESSING AS SUCH IS RARELY IF EVER SEEN, FELT OR ACCOUNTED FOR IN MODERN DAY.

Faith.

When I FINALLY realized the FULL measure of his love many things happened.

I FINALLY and COMPLETELY understood just HOW DIFFICULT THIS PATH HAS BEEN FOR ME.

To have been so utterly and completely shut off from ANY AMOUNT OF HIS LOVE AND GUIDANCE through the sheer HELL that was my life was just….insane. I did not think that His mercy and blessings and trust in me could get bigger. I did not think that my self-respect and LOVE of self for ALL I HAD ENDURED could increase.

AND IT DID TEN TIMES TEN TIMES INFINITY TIMES.

Even though I had not seen an angel and felt him quake the earth, I REPENTED AND BELIEVED.

Even though I had NO KNOWLEDGE I SOUGHT HIM.

Even though I had NO FAITH, I SUBMITTED.

I HAD FAITH AND I HONORED THAT FAITH WITH ACTION.

I was allowed to see a moment of myself and my struggle from The Father’s point of view.  A few months ago, when I felt that I FINALLY had understanding of Him I asked him to please bless me with a trial I could endure so that I could learn to lean on him in all things. I didn’t know how but wanted so much to learn. (And once again, EVEN THAT SMALL THING was told to multiple people so they could ALSO testify to the truth in ALL that I say.)

I felt him observe this and felt how it touched his heart and…charmed him.

I could HEAR his thoughts.

“My dear child…you have NO IDEA HOW YOU ARE SUFFERING ALREADY AND YET YOU ASK ME TO GIVE YOU MORE. You ARE the MOST choice of my daughters and the MOST valiant servant to my will and name for all that this has cost you and I WILL give you glory and blessing unending for it.”

And it was not just that reason that he honored me above all but the most select.

There was literally NOTHING I WAS NOT WILLING TO GIVE EVEN THOUGH I KNEW NOTHING OF HIS JOY.

As I was explaining this to my Bishop, I told him that I had even had a crises of faith about it the previous night. I reconciled it completely though.  I was desperate to feel comfort. I told my Bishop that in one very small, very brief moment, I felt like God gave me the SMALLEST AND MOST GENTLE AND BRIEF WHISPER OF A TOUCH OF HIS LOVE.

Just the briefest and tiniest thing.

But it was ENOUGH.

I was REJOICING OF IT.

And the fact that I was satisfied with EXACTLY what he would give and NO MORE, I WAS ALLOWED GLORY AND TRIUMPH.

I was absolutely undone by the magnitude of it and I the only person I wanted to share it with in that moment was my husband.

I drove home and found Jon in the bedroom, again watching TV.

I asked very hopefully if he read my accounting and what he thought of it.

“Uh…it wasn’t really anything you hadn’t already told me.”

I felt a big twinge but also instinctively felt I HAD A CHOICE IN THAT MOMENT. I could resort to pain, mortal failing like pouting, anger and resentment or I COULD TRUST IN HIM ENOUGH TO OPEN MY HEART TO INSPIRATION AND TESTIFY TO MY HUSBAND WHAT HIS WILL WAS.

And I DID.

OH, how I DID.

I exerted EVERY faith not just in God the Father, but I also had unwavering faith in JONATHAN. I willed with every ounce of my being to have him feel the power of my experience. I TOLD him that I regretted that I had discerned very little about him in all this but that he had to trust that he was MEANT TO WALK THIS PATH WITH ME.

As I talked the power and feeling grew and grew until I had revelation and inspiration about my husband hit me again and again with the utmost force.

The revelations were BEYOND ALL IMAGINING.

Jonathan is unbelievably choice.

Select.

Sacred.

And as I talked and realized it hit me with such power that WHILE I HAD FELT AND WHILE EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT US IN MORTAL EYES SCREAMED OUR DIFFERENCES AND INEQUALITY, IN FACT WERE WERE UTTERLY AND EXACTLY THE SAME. 

I saw everything in a moment in such force and clarity it was undeniable.

ALL this time my sweet and most beloved husband was given THE EXACT SAME PATH AS MINE.

Only HIS was to be much quieter for the express purpose of supporting ME in my much more agonizing walk.

His spiritual knowledge was also muted and yolked but he was given enough that he could be strong and help educate me only to the level I needed. While NOWHERE as severe as mine he has also been tasked with committing grievous sin on earth and to have it widely known and spread to the world to show the transforming power of God. Like me, these sins often made NO sense to himself or others. And while he was allowed to fall he was also allowed to preserve so much of his glory. He was one of the very few sent down a DELIBERATELY PERILOUS PATH because he was one of the VERY few who would not be lost.  AND while my path was more horrifying HE had the burden, not only of his own trials but he also had to be MY support and feel the pain of MY mistakes and sin. In exchange he was given the HIGHEST protection to endure what was given and to support me.

Jonathan is the ONLY SOUL IN THIS WORLD that knows ALL about me.

AND HE KNEW IT ALL WHEN IT WAS HAPPENING AND WHILE IT PLAYED OUT.

AND HE LOVED, SUPPORTED AND STAYED WITH ME ANYWAY.

You have NO understanding of how insanely divine and choice my husband is.

What a tower of faith, obedience, love and kindness he is.

My inspiration and words and revelations grew and grew and my sweet husband had tears rolling down his face when I reached my ULTIMATE MOMENT OF REVELATION ABOUT THIS INCREDIBLE MAN WHO I AM BEYOND HONORED TO WALK THE ETERNITIES WITH.

I have said before that it was made VERY clear to me that there are few in all the heavens that I bow down and defer to.

I BOW DOWN TO MY HUSBAND IN UTTER DEFERENCE.

He is THAT great and THAT powerful of a creation.

While I AM choice and powerful and made to do his will…I am a LIONESS.

HE IS THE LION MEANT TO ROAR IN FIERCENESS FOR THE LORD.

But *I* his wife, his most select choice of his heart and youth was THE ONE AND ONLY THING IN THIS UNIVERSE THAT COULD GET HIM TO SEE IT.

Humanity doesn’t have expression for the feelings, joy, relief and just…unimaginable HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OF THIS MOMENT.

The next moment is insanely private but I am STILL COMMANDED to tell you the rest.

I know Gods PUREST expression of love meant to occur between a couple. I never thought physical intimacy could be sacred AND pleasurable beyond measure BUT IT IS.

Jonathan and I were given the most valuable and sacred of his understanding. The joy of union with another soul EXACTLY AS HE INTENDED.

There is NOTHING MORE PURE AND JOYOUS HE CAN GIVE US.

OF EVERY EXPERIENCE IN THIS JOURNEY THIS IS THE GREATEST TRANSFORMATION.

The MOST tender, merciful and joyous blessings.

ALL OF THIS IS PROOF UNDENIABLE THAT IN ONE MOMENT HE CAN AND *WILL* COMPLETELY HEAL EVEN THE MOST FATALLY BROKEN THINGS.

If you will submit, follow and endure ALL IS POSSIBLE WITH HIM.

This experience and bringing it forth to the world had not only been MY work and glory, but also the most sacred and joyful task ever entrusted to me.

Just as God created the earth day by day, He has taken exactly one week to completely create a soul, a testimony, a marriage and a family.

And He saw that his work was good.

And on the Seventh Day, His work was done.

And he rested.

I bear witness to you ALL these things over all these days that it is the truth, God is the Father, He is all powerful, all loving, all merciful, and He gives ALL to his children, forever and ever without end.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen.