One of my favorite bloggity people on the planet just found out that she is able to go to BlogHer this year.Her name is Sarah Nielsen, she does internet marketing and also writes a news column in Salt Lake City along with authoring her blog, “Tales of Wit and Charm”.

She is also currently AVAILABLE. (I would totally go out with her but I would ruin her for every one else on the planet.)

In many ways she is my polar opposite but we get along like peas and carrots. I absolutely adore her and about peed my pants with excitement when she told me she was coming to party in San Fransisco.

Here is the problem. She is a seasoned blogger but is pretty new to the whole “BlogHer” scene, and she would really like to stay at the Westin but needs a roommate or three.

Is anyone available? Do you need a roommate? Or if you are in a double would you consider letting her spoon with you? I can personally verify that she is spunky, outgoing, blunt, and totally disease free. Dooce thinks that she has alluring, curvy hair that cascades down to her bosoms, if you need a further reference.

The chick is cool.

You WANT her to be your roomie. If you don’t have the space, could you consider linking to this post on your blog and spreading the word? I’d love you forever and ever. (I can’t speak for Sarah. She can be fickle.)

*Sarah said that I was not allowed to post the only photo I have of us because “All you can see is my hideous double chin and your ginormous boobies”, so I have edited to protect your retinas from rupturing. If you still want to know what Sarah really looks like, click here.

**EDIT** To add to the suck, my dishwasher just died a horrible, painful death.  Anyone have any recommendations on a really good dishwasher?? I don’t care about it being quiet, I just want it to wash dishes really, REALLY well. Leave me a comment if you have a brand and model you love.

Some of you may have noticed that I am pretty much having the blog equivalent of Erectile Dysfunction Syndrome. I have been having difficulty “Getting it up”, so to speak. That would mainly be because my life has been a pile of crap lately. I know I am the queen of the ups and downs, but this is a pretty low time. I just haven’t really wanted to subject anyone to it (for loads of various reasons), either in real life or on the internet. I have had some good things happen, but right now, I’m having difficulty appreciating them fully in this state, so I am not even going to try to focus on those in this post, ok? Just know I know that they are there.

So, if you would rather not have rain on your parade, move along. I’m not writing this for pity or sympathy or even kind, encouraging words or earnest comments. I just know that I have been feeling so much and not saying anything about it is making me feel worse and like a big, fat faker.

I get the feeling that if I don’t put some of my thoughts down, I very well may spend the rest of my life in scrubs, laying in the fetal position and smelling really bad due to shower avoidance. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been trying to be a trooper, I’ve been TRYING to pull myself up by my bootstraps but my usual “Go to” moves aren’t working. As far as troopers go, I am certainly not a super trooper. Sorry, ABBA. I let you down.

Plus, Mothergoosemouse tagged me to do “Six things about yourself” with the twist that the six things have a theme, so this seemed like as good a time as any. So, here you go:

1. I auditioned for a musical yesterday. I really, really, REALLY wanted the part. More than I have wanted anything in years.

I didn’t get it.

I wasn’t really surprised. I really like the composer, but to be blunt-the guy does not dig my voice. He likes sweeter, lighter voices and that? Is not me. I honestly don’t know why I tried. Please don’t get me wrong, he likes me. And he did cast me in something. I’m going to be in a caroling group that he runs every holiday season and I am very excited about it, but this was one of the few roles that I loved, loved, loved down to my toes.

Plus, I felt like crap about my audition. Knowing that he doesn’t care for my type of voice makes it virtually impossible to get a decent audition out of me. I am horrible at auditioning under any circumstances. I hate it. I’ve done hundreds and hundreds at this point and it never gets any easier for me. It’s one of the reasons that I knew that professional things are not for me. I can’t take it. It breaks me down too much and makes me feel like suck.

Even though I know ALL the reasons behind it, can see it all logically, know that it doesn’t mean that I am less of a person, I still haven’t been able to get my heart to figure it out. I was cast as a supporting cast member, but I called and told the assistant director that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t watch someone else play that role. I’ve never turned down a role in my life, but I just.cannot.do.it.

I never should have tried for it. Not in my current mind set. I just needed SOMETHING good. Something to focus on where I felt like I was capable and could excel.

It really hurts.

Crap.

2. I am a total hermit lately. It’s getting ridiculous. (See comment about scrubs, the fetal position and shower avoidance). I’ve been trying to get out and about and some things have been good, like my son’s baseball games, but in some areas, it has been a total and complete disaster. (See #1)

3. I feel pretty useless lately. I have no degree. I have no job. Everything I am good at is usually done for very little money or for free. I sing (Sort of) and write about my hoo hoo on the internet, which is nothing to write home about. I am a SAHM, but kinda suck at it. Plus, I have no small children at home. I am not pregnant. Some of you may remember that I thought I was not long ago and I am having a very hard time dealing with the fact that I’m not.

It all makes me feel so insignificant, wasteful, stupid and useless.

4. I’m moving soon. It’s a long story, but my house is being purchased by a company my husband is a partner in and since it is commercially zoned, they are going to buy it for their business. It is good for both of us and we will finally be able to start building on my lot. Originally, we were going to have the company use our unattached basement and stay put until the house was built, but due to growth, it looks like we will have to move out much, much sooner than expected because they need the room.

So, we will probably be in a rental townhouse for awhile. I will actually have more sq. ft and 3 bathrooms instead of one, so YAY! That is good, it really is, but I don’t do well with change. Little changes, sure! I love them! Must have them!! Bring it on!!! Big changes like moving? Totally different story. I have lived in this tiny house for seven years. It was the only home my Little Bug ever knew, it is the house he died in. As MUCH as I need more space for my family and want to move, this is emotionally difficult for me.

5. Mother’s Day is this Sunday. While I love the boys that I have and do have joy on the day, I always think about the little one I lost. Mother’s Day also kicks off what I have come to think of in my head as, “The Triumvirate”. I have Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, and Matthew’s birthday on June 7th. BAM, BAM, BAM! AND then his death anniversary in September. Every year, I say, “This year it’s going to be easier” and yet it isn’t, really. In some ways it HAS gotten easier, it really has. But anniversaries are HARD for me. And this is a big one…Five years. I can hardly believe it. In some ways it seems like a million lifetimes ago and in others, it’s like it was five seconds ago.

6. I am worried about stuff that is going on with my family (Stories that are not mine to tell) and that I’m going to be a big, fat downer and ruin a lot of my relationships from being so withdrawn and so perpetually full of drama and life suck. And yes, I know that there is a whole lot of personal responsibility involved in that equation, ok? I KNOW.

I know that there are things I can do to change things, it just seems like everything I try fails or makes it worse and it’s turned into a big, unmanageable mess.

I just keep hoping to snap out of it. Like NOW.

Sorry for the emotional and negative vomit, but I DID warn you.

I know that parents cannot oversee everything that their children do. I also know that their are things that adults enjoy that are big no-no’s in the kid department and despite precaution, kids WILL NOSE AROUND and find those things.

I have some guilty moments in this area.

Years ago, at a hideously early hour of the morning, my brother-in-law came over right after I got out of the shower. I stumbled into the kitchen in a robe and mumbled a ‘Hello’, to him and went to the fridge. My kids were in the living room making a ruckus, when my son said, ‘MOM! We’re playing with lightsabers!!”

“Ok”, I mumbled back without looking, thinking that they were playing with the lightsabers we got them for Christmas.

My brother-in-law started laughing his head off.

“NO, Loralee! They really ARE playing with some INTERESTING ‘Lightsabers’”

I turned around and about died right there on the spot.

Seems like while I was in the shower, my nosy boys found “The naughty drawer” of our nightstand and took two of its more interesting items out from it to play “Star Wars”.  I guess I can understand how they mistook them for lightsabers, although the last time I checked, Luke Skywalker never owned a hot pink lightsaber with rotating glitter beads in the center.

I have never lived it down and frankly, I’m not sure that I ever SHOULD.

So? I don’t usually cast stones at people. I know that stuff like this happens sometimes and kids see and hear things that they shouldn’t.

BUT.

There are times when things like this are not just cases of slipping up. What do you do when your child is friends with someone who is chronically unsupervised by their parents?

I was helping Christopher with his Wolf merit badge for cub scouts and there was a section on being courageous. We talked about what courage meant and then we talked through some scenarios that involved being courageous. One of the questions asked the scout to think about something they have done that requires courage.

Christopher looked down at the ground and said, “Well…I don’t want to say it, Mom. You will get real mad.”

That isn’t a very good sign.

Here is the thing. He has a point. About the whole “Me getting mad” thing. Ever since Matthew died, I do not handle certain things with my children well. I can’t stand it when they are hurt, sick, or are in any danger whatsoever. It scares me to death. I do my best to cope in situations like that, but trying to cope with my fear and anxiety in those moments turns into me being “Short” with my kids and they think that means that I’m mad at them.

It sucks.

I have tried to explain my reaction to them and that it is because I am scared, not mad, but they don’t understand. I am trying my best to not react negatively in those situations because it is vital that my kids are able to come talk to me about things. It has not been easy, but it’s starting to get a little better.

This was obviously going to be another test. I told him that it was very important for him to trust me and that I am his mom and it is my job to know things that are important and that are going on with him.

He was still hesitant, but he sputtered it out.

“Well, Randy (Not his real name) was over here and really, really wanted me to go to his house…to…to…look at…P-0-R-N. I told him, ‘No!’”

OMG. MY CHILD IS ONLY EIGHT YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, from what I was able to get from Christopher, Randy looks at p0rn a LOT. Magazines and computer. It is not a one time “Whoops” as far as I can tell. I also draw this conclusion from our previous experiences with him. We have had problems with Randy in the past. I do feel bad for this kid. I may not be the most “Together” parent but this child will be out at 10 pm or later some nights and his parents never seem to come looking for him. Christopher also added that Randy swears and hits him when they are playing out in our backyard a lot.

There is a lot more I can say, but the kid is also only 9 and he isn’t my child, so I will move on to how I handled this tidbit of news.

To my credit, I managed not to scream, drive to this kids house and pound him and his parents into the pavement, or have the blood vessel that started pounding in my head EXPLODE.

I took a breath and told Christopher how very, VERY proud I was of him. I also talked with him about why pornography is harmful, and I told him that he was not allowed to go to Randy’s house again and if he does things like swear and hit my children out in my yard then he is no longer welcome in it.

So.

Here is the thing.

Would you say anything to Randy’s parents?

I have met them before and honestly? Jonathan and I don’t think it would make ONE bit of difference. They live in my neighborhood and while I truly doubt that it would do any good there is part of me that wants to let them know that their lack of oversight is getting their kid into heavy stuff at a really young age and that it came “This close” to dragging my son down with him.

What would you do? Say something? Leave it?

Give me some advice internet.

Few things are worse then hearing your name paged over the airport speaker system informing, “Salt Lake City passenger, ‘Loralee Choat-ay’, please come immediately to gate E15. Your flight is holding and is ready for departure.”, when you SWEAR that you have 35 minutes until your flight leaves.

That is, there is nothing worse unless you are hearing aforementioned announcement at the asscrack of dawn after getting zero sleep the night before due to anxiety of dying while flying in a plane the size of a Diet Coke can and/or missing your flight, and you are in the ladies room simultaneously having a panic attack and peeing like a racehorse and realize seconds after the announcer hideously mispronounces your name that THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER IN YOUR STALL.

THAT is much, much worse, my friends. You’ll just have to trust me on this one.

As my flabby ass jiggled and my feet thundered as I ran and panted down the concourse to my gate, I kept cursing my decision to not continue with boot-camp classes because then I might not feel like I was inhaling hydrochloric acid into my lungs. I was still confused about my departure time, so while I was running I pawed through my purse to get out my boarding pass and saw that YES, I was right about the time. I should have still had plenty of time to board my flight.

When I finally got to the gate, I couldn’t even speak to ask, “WTF, yo?!”. I just stood there gasping, sputtering and clutching my pounding chest in a manner that probably looked like I was feeling myself up.
I mean, I love my boobies, but even I have some amount of public restraint.

Sometimes.

Where was I?

Oh, yes. Sputtering, gasping, turning white and purple and spewing ropes of mucous at the gate attendant.

He guessed who I was.

“Oh, we just wanted to leave early. No problem. You’re fine.”

I AM? Try telling that to the very unfortunate guy who had to endure my mucous-infested coughing and wheezing for half of the flight as I tried to get enough oxygen to not pass out on him. Heart rate induced asthma can be a real bitch sometimes. I should have brought my inhaler, dammit.

I lived through the flight and on my way back to Cache Valley, I stopped in Salt Lake and met my beautiful, sassy, blogging friend, Sarah, for lunch at a restaurant that had a dessert case so glorious I considered raping it when I passed by on my way to the ladies room.

There was a lot of peeing going on with me today.

As I said, Sarah is gorgeous. I look like a homeless person (asscrack of dawn flight, remember?) but that is ok. If you look good all the time people expect too much of you. Personally, I am fond of getting a standing ovation for bothering to comb my hair.

The funny coinkidink about having lunch with Sarah is that is pretty much how I kicked off my whirlwind trip over a week ago. And yes, you are going to be subjected to it all. I will try to be brief, but try not to stick a fork in your eye, ok? I’ll sum up into brief paragraphs, if it makes it easier. I’ll even put in pithy little titles so you don’t get board.

“Who the hell knew that Diet Coke isn’t organic???”

As I was saying, I had lunch with Sarah and two fabulous bloggity friends, Jon Deal (Ransom Note Typography) and Brad (That One Guy). I didn’t have my stupid camera charged, so I don’t have a photo of the four of us, but I loved that lunch. We all got along like peas and carrots.I could lunch, talk, laugh and just be totally myself with this group of people until the end of time.

Indeed, the only drawback was when the waitress at the very tasty organic restaurant we dined at informed me that they only served “Organic” drinks and Diet Coke DOES NOT QUALIFY?!

WTF?

I plan on petitioning an organic hippie compound in Berkley to change that. Email me if you want to join in my quest.

“Fat cat in a little coat”

After lunch, I met Mandi and Jen for Jen’s baby shower. I heart them both. Mandi flew in from Georgia to throw the shower and Jen just looked radiant and adorable.

Plus, she has the fattest, most adorable, luscious, fatty fattakins cat on the planet. He is bigger than a huge watermelon and HIS name is “Abby”. Considering my female cat’s name is “Wilbur”, this just makes him rock even more.

The next morning I flew to Minneapolis to be with my brother. I already talked about some of the fun things we did in the previous post and I am going to add photos now that I have access to my photos.

The trip was a blast, even though we had no furniture in the house and I forgot my blowdryer. I guess the trip could have been titled “In which Loralee’s hair perpetually looks like a frizzy crap sandwich”, but I was just so happy to be in Minnesota that I didn’t care. (Too much).

“Loralee was here”

One of my favoritest things about this trip was hanging out with bloggity friends, both new and old. First off, I met Gretchen, who was so fun, vibrant and talented. She mainly blogs about her crafting, which she is ridiculously talented at, but she has the most fabulous personality as well.

We hit it off so well that we set up a second bloggity date where she braved my bad baking gene by teaching me to make rolls. I will post the whole recipe and photos plus directions at a later time, but these are the VERY BEST ROLLS I HAVE EVER SCARFED DOWN.

I want marry them and have little roll babies. Of course, this might be awkward as it would mean that I would totally fall into that category of “Those that eat their young”

I loved them and so did my brother, Brad. He has now commanded that I am in charge of roll making at all family gatherings (even if we’re not eating anything else. I still have to make the rolls.). They were soooo yummy.

And? To illustrate her personality, she posted this blog post with this photo after I left our “Roll Afternoon”. It is simply titled, “Loralee was here”.

You can see WHY I laughed my ass off. I so love the empty Diet Coke cups. HEE!

“Is an Amber Alert needed??”

Speaking of amazing baking and hilarity, I also got to hang out with “The Over Thinker”. OT has such snarky, witty comments on my blog, I love her. She is a million times better in person. Let’s add to the fact that she made me a tub of vanilla cupcakes with vanilla bean buttercream frosting and that she has glasses very similar to mine and that just makes her perfection in my eyes.

Because she is anonymous in her blogging I can’t tell you THE COOLEST THINGS ABOUT HER, but I will say that she is an ordained minister and is going to marry her friend this summer in the Teatons. How awesome is THAT? I could have spent DAYS with her and not gotten board. She rocks the house.

I did force her to stay in my brother’s basement and look for a photo that I had “Somewhere” in the millions of unorganized files splayed across my computer. Her husband didn’t send out a search party, but it was close.

“Deep, lovely waters”
Meeting Tasha and Amber for sushi was also lovely. I love talking to them. They are secure, intelligent, ambitious young women that are going to do some amazing things in their lives. Both of them have been reading me since the first few months of my blog and are Bemidji state alums. They are wicked smart and I love listening to them and their conversation. I am so very fond of everything about them. We had a lovely lunch and whiled away the time walking, shopping and talking. Every minute was relaxed, familiar and much needed moment for my soul.

Here are the lovelies. I would post a picture of all three of us, but I kept cutting off half of Tasha’s head in the photo.

I mentioned that I LOVED hanging out with my brother, Brad, right? He is very similar to me in his sense of humor, as illustrated here:

“The taco champion of Minnehaha*”

“Brad, I cannot eat one more taco. Two is my limit. You’ll have to eat the last one.”
“What? You can’t eat three?”
“No.”
“You’re sure???? Not EVEN if I turn it into a taco eating contest????”

We are the weirdest family I know.

Speaking of Minnehawhaw Falls, they are pretty, are they not?

I ended up seeing Jessie the day before I left.

I love Jessie so much. She is like a sister to me. She is one of my Bemidji readers and she has had the coolest, most varied life, living in India, a lean-to in the woods, hopping freight trains to Alaska and she just successfully defended her thesis. We went to lunch and coffee and talked and talked and talked. One day I hope to have half of the inner-peace that she does. She is amazing.

While I am SO GLAD to be home, I love Minnesota and the people in it. I am sad my brother moved from there, but hope, hope, HOPE that I can get there again.

As long as I don’t have to fly in a freaking tiny plane while needing to pee.

**Ok, this conversation didn’t REALLY occur in Minnehawhaw, but it is just SUCH a great name to say. And it sounds way better than “The taco champion of Apple Valley”, you know?

I sort of announced it, but not really. I thought I would have more time to write, but that hasn’t been the case. I came here to help my brother. He is moving back to Salt Lake and needed some help closing up his house while his wife and kids were in Mexico sorting out their immigration papers. Luckily, we just found out that all is well, approved, and they are all back on their way home to Utah.

It is a big relief for our family.

Currently, his house is empty except for a couple of camping chairs, a computer table and two air mattresses that we sleep on. Mine has a slow leak and so I end up on a flat mattress every morning. It gives me a new appreciation for my suck-ass bed. It totally feels like I’m camping and I am half tempted to start a fire in the living room and roast some S’mores.

I am having a good time, but I have had very little time to hop on the computer between hauling trash, Good Will runs, Rug Doctoring carpets and meeting with contractors.

I have had time to do some sight seeing, though. I witnessed the largest display of American commercialism on the planet, otherwise known as “The Mall of America”. (It. is. EFFING. HUGE.). And I also spent a lovely afternoon at the Como Park zoo and conservatory. I decided that I could quite happily spend years sitting on the bench next to the water feature in the palms dome.

I’ve wandered around St.Pauls, got great photos of the cathedral and took out a second mortgage to buy stadium food at a Twin’s baseball game. SIX BUCKS FOR A DIET COKE?! GAH!!! It was a blast, though. I’ve never been to a baseball game and we won, so that was a plus. I even bought my brother peanuts and a bag of Cracker Jacks.

Yes, I am that big of a dork.

I have also played with some rocking bloggity people. I don’t know if many of you know it, but my first ever bloggity fans were at Bemidji State University (HI, BSU PEOPLE! I HEART YOU FOREVER AND EVER AMEN!!) and I got to meet some of them 18 months ago when I helped my brother move out here.

The cool thing is that I have new Minnesota blog friends as well and I met two of them this week. The over-thinker (Who is even more hilarious than her pithy comments on this site) was going to take me to a strip club (so how the hell did we end up at Noodles & Co.????)and Gretchen (who is DIVINE and is taking on the task of teaching me how to make rolls tomorrow. I hope they don’t turn out like hockey pucks due to my baking aura).

I get to see sweet Jessie for coffee on Sunday and I am stoked to see her again. She’s like a sister to me. I do have photos of my adventures, but forgot my camera cord. Hopefully, these ladies will write and post and I’ll do the linkity thing so you can read about our adventures. If not, I will write about them in the future becuase these ladies rocked my world and I had so much fun with both of them.

And now, I’m off to meet Tasha and Amber for lunch. (BSU alums and completely lovely people that I heart to death.)

Miss you all. Thanks for still being around.

I’ll post more in detail later because I know that you all LIVE to hear the drivel I have floating around in my brain of fabulousness, right?

I thought so.

*No children were harmed in the creation of this blog post.

Roughly 700 people received an email saying that I was “Searching” for them from reunion.com. I was fiddling with the site today to upload a “Then” and “Now” photo, mainly to assure the world that I no longer had orange, double-processed hair and massive amounts of fatty layers embedded on my face.

I mean, LOOK AT ME:

See?

If YOU looked like this on Senior photo day, you would want a public record that you no longer resemble an obese version of that squeaking muppet, Beeker, too!

Then, the satanic site reunion.com asked me if I wanted to check my email account to see if I had any friends registered. Stupidly, and with the decision making process of a three-toed sloth, I thought, “Sure! Why not?!”, and I allowed it to upload my account.

You know how the process normally goes, right? You can do this pretty easily at Facebook and Myspace and the like. You import your email contacts and it allows you to see who has an account, then you can mark them as a friend or not and ignore the message that says, “Invite your other contacts to blah.com” because you would NEVER send unsolicited invites to people about that sort of thing.

No harm, no foul, right?

Wrong, wrong, WRONGITY-WRONG!!!!!

I had a million things going on this afternoon, and I am to blame for not paying closer attention, but not only did reunion.com upload my entire contacts but it AUTOMATICALLY EMAILED EVERY FREAKING ONE OF THEM saying that I was basically stalking them on the internet.

Anyone here use Gmail?

You do?

Then you know that Gmail automatically saves every.single.email.you.receive to your account.

Like, EVER.

That would include not only people that you know and email but it also includes all the people listed on things like forwards and mailing lists, so you have people you don’t even know stored in your contacts list.

So?

I ended up sending this crap to former professors, almost everyone I have ever worked with on my parent organization, The National Enquirer (You know, from that time I sold them photos off of this blog),extended family I have never met, the co-founder of BlogHer, former co-works, bosses, ex-boyfriends, and most wonderful of all–relatives of ex-boyfriends who consider me a stalking psychopath ANYWAY. (Not that this would add fuel to THAT fire or anything, right?)

I bumbled out a rambling blanket apology to all 700 people saying how sorry and embarrassed I am and that I am basically thinking of spending the rest of my days hiding in a burka and living in the Australian outback, but the fun doesn’t end there. Apparently because of said apology sending I am now LOCKED OUT OF MY DAMN GMAIL ACCOUNT FOR SENDING TOO MUCH EMAIL!

It’s so grand that Gmail thinks I’m a spammer. I am also having such fun with the tons of bounced email messages that my account is wracking up.

Happy, happy, joy, joy.

(Oh, and apparently I also might cause all of you to be on vast lists of spam because I suck further for not BCC’ing and provided a juicy spam list to the masses. GAH!)

What a headache this has all been.

I loathe you, reunion.com.

I really do.

If anyone needs me, I will be curled in the fetal position in my bed with an entire tub of chocolate chip cookie dough and a couple of Velveeta cheese slices. (And a Diet Coke chaser or four.)

Ug.

Happy Earth Day